Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Does Australia Post hate everyone, or just me?

Why is that Aussie post loses our stuff?

Every Christmas this happens

Gifts for the girls that were sent from Wollongong two weeks ago haven't arrived and my gift from New York hasn't arrived...

Poor Glen felt so bad about my gift from him not being here for me to open on Christmas morning, that he spent almost $200 on flowers, wine and chocolates and guess what...............?

They didn't arrive either!!!!!!!!

I can't blame Australia Post on that one though.
But I will blame a supposed top Australian online florist... should I put the link in?

I wasn't going to wait another day, so I rang the florist this morning, they gave me a wark story about "malfunctioning computer due to the number of orders...."
uh huh...riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight....wow malfunctioning for a week.... and I know nothing about anything....

so basically... the florist couldn't be bothered doing the order.
I said "refund him"

We've had so many things go missing that it's a fingers crossed situation every time something gets posted to us. And it doesn't matter where it's being sent from. Stuff being sent now has to be insured and registered, and it shits me when I buy stuff on ebay in America that I can't get here, they get mailed and they end up in some unknown person's possession and I can't buy them again. Like my a standing teddy bear cake tin, my gorgeous highly sort after silver glitter peep toe stilettos (oh how I miss my silver glitter peep toes that I never got to wear!)
And crystal dolphins from Prague that my sister sent to me... DAMMIT!!!

I have bought THE dress, yes THE most beautiful dress, it's a dress I found after looking at over 2000 dresses (it was probably more) and I have fallen in love with THE dress, but THE dress has to remain in New York until I can pick it up, there is no way that I will ever let THE dress be posted to me because I have no faith that THE dress will turn up here and I will never be able to find another one. I will post pictures of THE dress when things are set :)

Farewell to 2008.. you were the worst of years, but also the best..

I am the happiest I've been in years!

AND I am the lowest weight I've been since my sister's wedding in 2000 (that would partly be due to the severe gastro I had on Sunday which had me so nauseated, dehydrated and sick that my dad had to take me to hospital on for injections (and I'm allergic to stemetil and maxalon the normal anti nausea drugs so I was given a phenergan injection... and OMG the pain!!!!)...but as sick as I was I lost a few kilos lol... I can always find a positive :)

BRING ON 2009!!!!

Happy New Year everyone, I hope 2009 is wonderful for you all
I've got big news to share soon.. hopefully :)
xx




Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Ho ho HO One more sleep til Santa comes!

Christmas Christmas CHRISTMAS!!!!!

love it love it love it!!!!


I'm sooooo excited for Christmas this year!

It's my favourite day, has been since I was little.
It's not because of the gifts, it's because of how we were/are as a family.

Last Friday night we went to
Carols by Candlelight in King Edward Park. Which was fun, apparently screaming isn't singing, thanks for letting me know Boo :P

I love Christmas smells, especially pine, cooking smells and spices. There's also a certain freshly unwrapped plastic smell that reminds me of Christmas when I was little and when the girls were little. I love it.


Christmas was never celebrated as a religious event in our home, we did go to Church (every Sunday etc) But Christmas was all about our immediate family. But tonight I am taking the girls to Midnight Mass, I have my reasons for doing it and I think it will be nice for them to experience it.

My family is German and every year we had a live Christmas tree which we chose together and decorated on Christmas Eve, we spent the day cooking traditional German biscuits, and making all kinds of different foods. And on Christmas morning when we unwrapped our gifts, the house smelled like pine, it was amazing and something I will never forget.


We have our Christmas traditions that were started years ago and this year we're adding another one, The Hunter Valley Gardens Christmas lights, thought it would be nice to take the girls up there for dinner and the lights display.

I believe that Christmas is unlike any other celebration throughout the year. Birthdays are for individuals, anniversaries are for couples, Christmas is about family and friends being equal the whole day.

Financially this year, it's our worst Christmas ever, even with Mr Rudd's Christmas bonus, which was already spent on bills. But I wont let the financial situation get me down.
Emotionally, I'm fantastic. I have two healthy, happy daughters, the love of someone special, a fantastic family and for the first time in years I'm free from any kind of abuse, what more could I ask for :)


I don't care why Christmas started or where it began, there are so many different cultural beliefs, traditions etc that are now a part of Christmas that it really doesn't matter anymore.

It's about love, togetherness, family, friends, celebration, joy and a million other things.



CHRISTMAS ROCKS!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

BIG RANT and elf gifts

Very happy with how the gifts were received last night.
Almost everyone came up and said thank you, which was really lovely.
I learned something last night... all the worry meant NOTHING, because when I realised that a few people didn't come up and say thanks, I didn't bother worrying myself as to whether or not they liked their gift, I just thought well if they didn't like it then they should've volunteered to be an elf :)

Now my rant...

This morning I was at the RSPCA vet clinic to buy some Advantage for our beautiful ca
ts, and some people walked in with a box, a cute little kitten was poking it's head out.
The first thought in my head was "get out you don't want to hear this"
I wasn't quick enough to get out the door, and I heard the man say

"We just found this box of kittens in the carpark"

My heart sunk, it infuriates me when people are irresponsible with animals.
This is how we ended up with Loki. Because people get animals and can't be bothered having them desexed.
Loki's mum wasn't desexed and she was allowed to wander outside and so was Loki's dad (Loki's dad was later mauled by dogs and Loki's mum was taken to the RSPCA when the family decided they didn't want their six cats anymore) When Loki was born, and Bianca begg
ed me to let her have a kitten, I didn't want to, I knew Arella wouldn't like it and then there's the extra cost. I rang the RSPCA to ask how they were going with abandoned kittens and I remember her saying they were inundated with them, so I gave in and essentially saved a kitten from a needle death.

I searched for numbers on how many animals are euthanased yearly and reading articles on animals in shelters was getting too heartbreaking.


I found this "71% of cats and 56% of dogs never make it out of a shelter" and

"Every day across Australia, 550 HEALTHY cats and dogs are euthanased DAILY"

DAILY!?!!!
That's almost 201,000 aYEAR!!!!!
and doesn't include the animals that
are just dumped, left to roam, or taken to the bush to turn feral or die.

One of the main reasons for not getting the animal desexed is cost.
These are some others

  • Desexing will change her personality.

  • It is better to have a litter of kittens before desexing her.

  • I want for my children to see the miracle of birth.


NONE OF THESE ARE A GOOD ENOUGH EXCUSE!

If you can't afford desexing then get a budgie or fish.

There are options for people who don't have a lot of money, you can get discounts

According the NDN these are some Benefits of Desexing

Health

  • Reduced risk of getting cancer or other diseases of the reproductive organs, such as testicular cancer, prostate cancer/disorders in males, and cystic ovaries, ovarian tumors,
    acute uterine infections and breast cancer in females, and
    also other diseases like mammary cancer, perianal tumors
    and perianal hamias.
  • Females can suffer from physical and nutritional exhaustion if continually breeding.
  • Pets generally live longer and healthier lives.

Behavioural

  • Pets are less prone to wander, fight, and are less likely to get lost or injured.
  • Reduces territorial behaviour such as spraying indoors.
  • Less likely to suffer from anti-social behaviors. They become more affectionate and become better companions.
  • Eliminates "heat" cycles in female cats and their efforts to get outside in search for a mate.
  • Eliminates male dogs' urge to "mount" people's legs.

Cost

  • Reduces the cost to the community of having to care for unwanted puppies and kittens in pounds and shelters.
  • No additional food or vet bills for the offspring.
  • No need to find homes for unwanted or unexpected litters of puppies or kittens.
  • Save money from expensive surgeries from car accidents or fights, which are less likely to occur if your pet doesn't roam around.
  • Dumping puppies and kittens is an ethical cost, as well as being illegal and inhumane.
  • The price of desexing is more affordable to those in financial need with the assistance of organisations such as NDN.
You can apply thorugh the National Desexing Network (NDN) to get cheaper desexing which is what we did when we got Loki desexed.

And after Christmas the amount of unwanted animals is going to be high, because cute wears off, puppies cry at night, cats need their trays cleaned out.

Why wouldn't you get it done, why would anyone want beautiful innocent animals to be born just so they can die unwanted.

It's heartbreaking, it's infuriating and It's evil!!

When Arella (which is Hebrew for Angel messenger) was a kitten, she literally saved my life, when I was so deep in depression after my marriage ended, when I was alone, in tears and in a mind space of there only being one way out... Arella would look for me and climb onto my shoulder, purring and she'd snuggle into my neck and sleep, she got me through
my darkest days. Even now, after my surgeries, she stays by my side when I come home from hospital, she is very aware of how I am.

Our animals are our friends, our confidants, our saviours, our laughter and happiness. They are faithful and loving even when they're abused. And they deserve so much better than what some people give them.

If you don't have your pets desexed then you are an irresponsible pet owner



Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Stress stress stress....hahaha....stress stress


Having OCD issues..

what ifs

worried about Elf gifts for tonight

This is actually a really good thing for me. I've always been worried about never doing the right thing, so taking on the Elf gifts for 25 women has been a good challenge.

I'll be honest and say that I've asked myself a million times "what if people don't like them" "what if they hate me for not buying the right thing with their money"

But.. I keep breathing and I know that it will all be ok... I just got used to nothing I ever did being right.. Prince William (world's best counsellor) would be proud of what I'm doing

I was hoping that names on the gifts wouldn't be necessary, and people could get random gifts (apart from the few gifts I bought for certain people) but lovely Lisa squished that one for me lol

There was a slight issue .. but it's all good now

It's hard buying for people that I have no idea of who they are and what they like, there's a mixture of gifts ... handmade ones from the markets, a stunning photo that made me stop walking and I immediately pictured who I would give that to, and others are from a lovely little shop in Berry who were quite patient with Boo, Allira and I taking up an area of their shop for over an hour.

Ahh ... it's all good, chocolate cake told me so


Saturday, December 13, 2008

Yay times a million


Yay for summer colds

Yay for sinus, headache, watering eyes and leaky noses that still feel spiky and congested

Yay for advil

Yay for throwing up on myself, which I haven't done since I was 18

Yay for waking up to rain and thinking you can stay in bed feeling crap all day only to remember that you checked BOM last night and saw that the rain would clear and the temperature is g
oing to hit 33 today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! which is not a temperature that makes staying in bed being comforted by the snuggly pillows and the cosy quilt, much fun. So you turn the laptop on saying "please please please have had a massive drop in temperature" and BOM says "hahaha it's 33 today biotch" STOP MOCKING ME WITH THE BEAUTIFUL RAIN DROPS AND COOL MORNING WINDS

Yay for Saturday morning cartoons! I do miss the cartoons from the olden days like Scooby Doo and the Flintstones. CHANNEL SEVEN PUT BRANDY AND MR WHISKERS BACK ON, IT'S THE ONLY GOOD CARTOON FROM THIS GENERATION!!!! ok ok apart from Spongebob Squarepants

Yay for Hannah Montanna!!! yay yay yay, It's true!
I love it and not just because I feel crap

Yay for quiet mornings before I get bombarded with "muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmm it's so hot can we go to the beach??!!!!!!!!"

and Yay for miss 12 who brings me coffee in bed




Thursday, December 11, 2008

My baby is going to bigger school

Tonight my beautiful little one had her Primary School Graduation dinner.

It's so wonderful seeing her grow up, I can't believe she'll be in high school next year!

It's true, time does fly.


A few weeks ago we were asked to give her teacher a photo from kindergarten, no idea why, but tonight I saw why.



Oh look at my baby! I almost cried, it bought back so many memories seeing the two pictures side by side. She was a tiny little poppet and so excited about school and now she's just as excited about high school.

My stunning girl wanted a cloak for tonight, so I made her an icy blue one. Her dress was a disaster so we raced out and bought one 45 mins before the graduation was to start, on special occasions she's allowed to wear her diamond jewellery that I bought her for her 10th and 11th birthdays (her birth stone and she deserves real diamonds) and she looked gorgeous. The batteries were running out on my came
ra so none of the pictures I took of her came out properly, but.......


I couldn't be prouder :)



Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Out of Order - please come back later

My house is my refuge
my children are my light
my cat is my friend
the other cat is my laughter ...

everything else doesn't matter right now.

I am sick of being taken advantage of
I am sick of people I love lying to me
I am sick of making plans for the future only to have them shot down
I am sick of going out of my way for others and never being offered the same in return
I am sick of questioning everything I do and worrying about whether or not it is good enough for others

I'm not insignificant
even if you think I am



Thursday, December 4, 2008

Say hello to OCTree

Our tree this year is so beautiful!
It's sad that it isn't a live tree, the smell of a pine tree on Christmas morning is something that always reminds me of my childhood.

After Christmas last year I went all over Newcastle looking for a particular tree and I finally found it at Mount Hutton (I HATE going there) Our beautiful tree finally came out of the box last weekend, and as beautiful as it looked, we all stood back a bit shocked at how big it is, it touches the ceiling, Allira's first comment was "where's the star going to go?"

I have accumulated so much to decorate the whole house with, the girls have banned me from buying more Santas... pish tosh nasty children :P
We decorate the tree in red and gold and 5 different strands of lights, there are home made decorations, and stuff the girls made when they were in pre-school, pink Christmas balls from when the girls were born and sweet little santas that were knitted by my ex mother in-law who has now passed on, stars, witches hats and brooms (they're really Harry Potter decorations that I bought in NY a while ago) and beautiful glass decorations that I had engraved.

There's lot of sparkly things!

We have a family tradition when we start to decorate...we have plates of snacks, we put Christmas music on, we sing, we laugh, we have fun!

And with a little bit of bending, the Star sits beautifully on t
op of the tree





I love this time of year.... This will be our best Christmas in years and I love that we can make it last a month




Friday, November 28, 2008

Cause I feel that when I’m with you It’s alright, I know it’s right

"I know you'll never hit me"

"I could never hit the body I worship"



I will never forget your words and for the first time in years I'm actually letting myself trust.
I must want this because I no longer feel like throwing up when I think about the future :)

Thank you

x

Thursday, November 20, 2008

I HATE? no....I LOVE... pt 4

I could've made this an "I HATE" post but I have decided to make it into a positive.

I LOVE...

Finding the strength that I forgot I had and being strong enough to use it!

This morning I took Allira to her new High School for orientation and to hand in her enrolment forms.
After the quick parent meeting I went to the office to discuss financial assistance.
I don't like asking for financial help, but I'm learning that it's there for a reason.
I spoke to the lady at the office with a smile and a "good morning" and explained to her that a little help may be required and how do I go about getting that.

She got the news letter and showed me that the yr 7 contributions are about $50 which is for cooking and a couple of other things. Then she showed me the list for year 8 and holy crap that was HUGE! I said ok next year should be fine, it will be year 8 that will be a problem. Office lady then says...

"Well, so you can afford the fees, your daughter should choose the less expensive subjects"

??!!!!WTF!!!!???

Hang on one friggin second lady.

Oh I was fuming inside, 6 months ago I would have just said "ok" but not anymore!

I kept the smile on my face, looked at her and calmly said

"Just because we don't have a lot of money does NOT mean that my daughter should be disadvantaged during her education, financial support is available at schools for a reason, and my daughter will be choosing the subjects that she wants to do"

I was very proud of myself for calmly telling her that what she said was downright rude.

Because I don't smell like alcohol, or cigarettes and am not walking around stoned
Because I am not a minority
Because I look younger than I am
Because I am articulate
Because I dress cleanly and I match
DOESN'T mean we have money and it DOESN'T mean that people can speak to me the way she did!!

My jeans cost me $3 at an op shop and my top was $10 and I look damn good! My family is a good example of how well people can dress without having much money and buying a lot of stuff at op shops.

That woman and others like her should NEVER assume that someone can afford something that should be free in the first place!

Financial assistance in schools should be available to all students who need it!
Whether they come from a previously well off family who has hit hard times, or they are a child who's parent's don't have their best interests at heart.
NO ONE should EVER be made to feel like they are a lesser person because they aren't rolling in money.

It's not fun asking for financial help, it's actually quite humiliating for me, I know it wont always be like this though..

Ahhh........yes, Strength... I has it



Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I LOVE .... pt 3

I know.. sickening isn't it, I'm still happy and I'm not even medicated! I'm going it alone without the Lexapro, yay me :)
I keep thinking about Glain on monday night saying that she doesn't like it when people smile all the time.. that makes me smile lol Glain has the most beautiful skin, not in a "it puts the lotion on" (silence of the lambs reference... very funny) kind of way... but just beautiful, she so ethereal.

OK.. on with spreading the love

I Love.....
Dr E!

She's been my doc for over 15 years, she told me when I was pregnant with both of my girls, and even came to visit me in hospital to see Boo (Allira was born in Wollongong) She is a caring woman who has seen me through everything and has been supportive and not dismissive.

I Love....
Radiographers at the place near the Ibis in Newcastle. It's where I ask to go when something needs scanning, x-raying etc. I like that they're friendly and don't say "you'll have to wait to speak to your doctor" when you're worried about something. They scanned my lump yesterday and were happy to put my mind at ease


I Love......
Finding out that my lump isn't a cyst! It's a lymph node and should hopefully go down, it's a bit cranky about a festy ear infection.

I Love......
Waking up to the sound of rain :) perfect way to start the day

I Love....
My new fuji s5800 camera that lets me annoy my cat by taking macro pictures


Ahhh another happy day awaits :)







Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I LOVE... pt 2

yes, I'm still all loved up


I Love.....

Allira for making the yummiest chocolate mousse, she's turning into an excellent little chef :)


I Love.......

Boo, for what she wrote about me, it made me cry at 3am this morning when I couldn't sleep


I Love.....

Left over chocolate mousse for breakfast!!


I Love.......

Weight loss!!!!
2.9kgs in the last week. And yes I can see where there might be an issue with the chocolate mousse for breakfast but, omg it's so good.

I Love....

Friends in far away places
Thank you so much to G for helping me with something, I really appreciate it :)


last for the day.....

I Love

KokoBlack hot chocolate!
It is absolutely divine, perfect, bliss, yum
happy now Ozz? lol
pity the closest one to me is in the ACT, be quicker to fly to Melbourne. I'll meet you at Maccas Ozz :P

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Monday, November 17, 2008

I LOVE......

I have decided that there is enough misery, so every day I am going to list things I love :)

I love.......

My Girls :)

They happily go along with my insanity!
Late Saturday night I said we were going for a walk, small complaints from Bianca, pfft.. like I care. We walked down to the Ocean Baths and jumped in, fully clothed, Bianca in her dress. It was fun! lots of laughs, lots of screams.. water was freezing. Standing on the edge, holding hands and jumping in. These are some of the good times that I wouldn't change for the world.

Bianca has her own blog FyreSpryte


I love....

Glen
Always have. Before we even met at the airport in Canada almost 10 years ago, I adored him.
No man has ever treated me the way he has. He loved the girls as though they were his own. I am eternally grateful for our chance meeting on ICQ, I still have the ring he made me out of one of those wire twist tie thingies...I wish he could be here for Christmas, I guess I'll have to wait for January... Swap hemispheres and Marry me dammit! :P


I love....

David Duchovny!
Yes he was a lusty man in The X-files and 15 years later he's still just as lusty in Californication. Last night's episode had me laughing hard!



I love....

My new found strength
I am glad I found it now, instead of still looking for it

xxxxxxxxxxx



Friday, November 14, 2008

I'm not horny

I went to Dr E yesterday about the horn sprouting out of my head, bit worried about it, just needed to know what it was...

It's completely unrelated to the ear infection, It's not lymph nodes, it's not a horn, it's a cyst. I have a friggin cyst growing in my head!!!
I wish I was a hypochondriac and none of this was real

She said I've been through too much this year, so it wont be cut out til the new year, fair enough.
I'm having all day headaches in the right back of my head, I don't know if this is from the ear infection or the cyst, so it's a wait and see thing and back to the doc on Monday.

And my car is still dead

Life is still good though (I only cried a little yesterday :)

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

It hurts

have middle ear infection
who gets a middle ear infection after the age of 6, I am a multiple of 6.
So I am on the only antibiotic that I'm not allergic to
and lots of advil
whole right side of my head is aching
my throat, my eye, my ear, my scalp
I feel like shit
I'm miserable
I'm in tears
I'd go and buy myself flowers to cheer me up, but...
My car died at the chemist, my portable jump starter recharger thingo is dead too, wont recharge
and I have an ungrateful daughter, which hurts the most

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Fuck off, leave me alone, don't call me, shut up

Why is it that my ex ex boyfriend's mother (not the last abuser, the one before that) feels the need to call me?
She's a nice woman, but extremely domineering and someone you wouldn't want to cross. So when she'd call, I'd listen, and make the occasional grunt, until one night Boo said to me "Why did you give up an hour of your life to talk to her?"
A light went on in my head.. exactly! why the hell am I taking time out of my life to listen to her wark on about the son who hurt me? The lying one who convinced me he had bowel cancer and was getting radiotherapy at the john hunter, yeah the john hunter doesn't do radiotherapy! but I believed him when he said he wanted to go alone and didn't want me turning up out of the blue. I supported him through all his friggin custody hearings, got high blood pressure, ended up on all sorts of medication from the stress, and then I get traded in, as his mother said one day "He doesn't need you anymore, you served your purpose" Pfft yes, I SUCK at choosing decent men.
She called tonight re: my fish tank which was taken to her place, and she conveniently snuck into the conversation did I "know that the ex is now engaged to the 23yr old neighbour that I was dumped for ?" no I didn't know, "well it was in the paper" I don't care "I just thought you might like to know" fuck off and die.
I am soooooooooooooooo much happier not having a mother in-law
Yes I am having a 15 minute pity party because I am pissed that everyone, yes EVERYONE'S life is moving forward except mine....
It's a pity party and I am allowed to be unreasonable
And I am also the happiest I have been in years, thank Goddess for Prince William and alcohol :P
Just kidding, I don't drink... much


ok over it



Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Dream realised? I think so




Congratulations to Barack Obama and his family!
I think it is wonderful that he is President of the United States.
His speeches are awe inspiring, uplifting and fills me with hope. Even though I'm not American, I am aware that what ever happens in that country, there is a ripple effect.

So many people voted for the first time, because unlike here, it's not compulsory to vote in the US.
When people aged over 100, are voting for the first time, it's quite obvious that they're ready for change.

It's an amazing opportunity

Months ago when I saw him say this

“I think about my own two daughters, Sasha and Malia; and, sometimes it makes me stop and it makes me wonder, ‘What kind of America will our daughters grow up in? What kind of America will our daughters grow up in? Will our daughters grow up with the same opportunities as our sons? Will our daughters have the same rights, the same dreams and the same freedoms to pursue their own version of happiness?’”

That simple speech to me showed how passionate he was about his family, about people, equality and change and I knew he'd win, I just knew as a lot of people did and I annoyed someone with it quite often.

I am well aware that he doesn't have a magic wand to make every perfect overnight
But I do believe It is the start of something truly special

He is the President of the United States, and he just happens to be black

Poor Boo is just disappointed that there wont be anymore Sarah Palin videos on Saturday night Live lol




Craptacular

ooooooohhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrgaaaaaaaaa

blerk

staying in bed
the world's best bed, no.. the universe's best bed
slept 10 hours, was lovely,
have nails in my throat

the cats wont get me my book which is way over there, and I need a drink, wonder if I'll dehydrate before the girls get home... why do I have cats if they can't take care of me!

why the hell do we need live coverage of the election in the US???!?!?
(3 hours on channel 7 and 4 hours on channel 9)
seriously! 30 minutes tops if we have to, but 4 friggin hours?!
thank god for doc phil and oprah...
blah, I think I'll knock myself out before then


gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

goodnight


Saturday, November 1, 2008

Ye Olde Tania of the Tangent

I'm feeling a touch blerty today, so I'll be going off on all sorts of tangents
Get it all out in one long blog post

Swimming is still awesomely brilliant, I've lost 2 kilos this week, and I can see some toning, yay me :)
Had to buy a new sunscreen, my skin is so sensitive. Our sunscreens just weren't doing their job and I do buy good ones, with the correct UVB UVA protector thingos and still get burned. A few years ago when I wasn't wearing sunscreen, I got 2nd degree burns on my chest when the girls and I went for a walk. Boo had sunscreen on, Allira didn't and all she got was a pink nose. I was at the friggin hospital a week later in absolute agony still,
I still have an obviously different area on my chest all year round, stupid stupid stupid, see told you I was stupid.


Disturbed is an awesome band, so strong in their music and lyrics, fills me up and makes me want to sing loud! I'm Alive, Overburdened, Guarded and Ten Thousand Fists, are brilliant. Would've loved to have seen them in concert again. I saw them in NY in 2000 with Godsmack and Stone Temple Pilots. BEST.CONCERT.EVER

Timmy asked me to a Halloween party last night, was so much fun!!!! I love dressing up and being someone else. I was looking oh so sexy last night in my vinyl dress, can't believe I could get into it! long black velvet gloves, high high FM boots, lots of makeup and Boo straightened my hair and I looked like every mother should look, like an awesomely sexy don't fuck with me Mistress. I had no idea whose party we were going to, I just knew I needed to go out and have fun, and fun I had!
I drank, I laughed, I danced, I drank, I made friends, I gave out too much information, I drank, I broke my FM boots on uneven ground and hurt my ankle, so I drank some more! and came home and got Boo's sweet flat red shoes which she told me to wear before I first left for the party, it's funny that she was giving me motherly advice. So I went back to the party, thanks to Nathan driving me and drank some more!
We left that party and went to another one and I must have been a novelty cos I was adored as I should be and had numerous requests for the pleasure of my company. I left many blue lipstick smoodges. Oh yeah and I drank some more

I finally crawled home at 4am and then got online to torment Mr NY hahahahaha was fun wasn't it :P
Finally got to sleep about 6am and woke up at 11:15am to a sore ankle and a barrage of questions from Allira, but all I heard was thump thump thump, jesus is that what a hangover feels like? never had one before, I credit the good german drinking genes lol went to make coffee and god friggin dammit there was no milk, still half asleep put on a singlet and a skirt and went to walk down to the shop to get milk, Allira said "mum atleast put a bra on" pffft
I got milk and all sorts of crap I never buy, I haven't bought a Saturday paper in ages! I hate the way they look messy, I also bought a coke zero, blerk, yuck, I don't drink coke. But I had coffee when I got home.

Oh something funny, watching an add for a pizza and it has a ton of different meats on it, Allira says "jeeeez it's like sucking on a pig" hahahahahaha she's funny

I took a couple of advil and a few hours later Allira and I walked 6kms to go and get my car from Timmy's place, I could've caught the bus but I needed to work off alcohol calories.

I had such a good night!

I HATE being ignored, makes me insane. If I've done something to piss you off, then tell me, but don't ignore me, that's so fucking childish and I'm better without that hurt in my life

NEVER MAKE SOMEONE A PRIORITY WHEN THEY ONLY MAKE YOU AN OPTION
Something I have been telling myself for the past few months
I wont be anyone's "option" EVER again


How bad was the weather yesterday! 36 degrees!!, I swam 1.6kms, I only got out of the water when my mind went blank and I couldn't remember what I'd done.
I hate hate hate high temps, yes I'm supposedly like Lizzie Borden :P Closing all the blinds first thing in the morning makes a huge difference to the temperature inside our place, we don't have air conditioning so we have to do something so I don't go mental

I haven't eaten today, I should probably get something, but i'm not hungry either, probably just have an Xndo... watch out for another eating disorder

Hahahaha Iron Chef is flipping hillarious, the voice overs are so funny, they're too enthusiastic, I love the way they voice over everything including the laughs, cos you know, we wouldn't understand a Japanese laugh, it's so different to an English one

Boo is happy now, I've got cream for my eczema,
I think she was getting sick of me walking around with my breasts out saying '"LOOK AT MY BOOB.... LOOK AT IT!!!"
because I was scratching the hell out of it and it was all red and hiddeous
she'd calmly say "Mum, put it away and go to the doctor"
So I finally went to the doctor. I was trying to clear it up myself, but it wasn't working.
Stupid eczema, I get it when I'm stressed.

hmm... I think I'm hungry
The cat is next to me snoring
I want to add photos from last night dammit, but I have no idea where the cable to get the pics off my phone is.

have a great weekend everyone :)

toodle pip







Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Bikinis are me

Swimming again today, I love it! nothing to stress me, back to being free from everything!
Another kilometre, weather was blah, water was beautiful, I am so grateful to be living here.

I love going down to the pool on cloudy, rainy days, there's usually less than 10 people swimming and no one to go into my lane. I HATE people swimming in my lane, it's mine dammit. (Ok I was wrong when I told Lisa that there's nothing for me to be OCT(D) abo
ut at the pool, I get nervous when someone is in my lane when I get to the pool and have been known not to start my laps til my lane is free)



On cold days I jump straight into the water and after a few seconds of asking myself wtf am I doing in the freezing water, I remind myself that you work off more calories in cold water because your body works harder to keep you warm, plus I'll be toning up and being stunning.

Yesterday I went through my swimmer drawer and I have 14 bikinis! and one tankini. I like changing them around, swapping tops and bottoms, today it was silver bottoms and a black top, my theory is that I'll wear what I want and be happy being me, if people don't like it, then they don't have to look.



yes I know .. I'm gorgeous
any takers?
:)

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Washing the stupid off


I went swimming this morning.

I haven't been swimming in months, I needed to do laps at Merewether because it's probably the only place I go where I can feel completely free.

It was overcast and cool, the water temp was 18, and I was happy.

Lots to think about, wondered how many laps I would do considering that it's been so long, I didn't need to worry, I swam a kilometre, 20 laps. That's my usual, but on occasion I do more, up to 60 laps. Maybe I should have done more. I'm going to start swimming daily again

I wasn't as free minded as I usually am when I swim, the whole time I was thinking about everything that has happened over the last few months, including Saturday night. I had a good night and that's all that should be important.

I need to lose this d
amn weight so I can't blame everything on it.
What is it? do you see me for me, not my fat, my huge thighs, my fat gut, don't tell me I'm beautiful if you don't mean it. Does it bother you that I am what I am... in every aspect of me?

letting it go now



Monday, October 27, 2008

Stupid...

Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid


Yep... that says it


Friday, October 24, 2008

Who am I


I was doing my YAAD homework today, left the "Who am I" bit til last.
I've read through the questions and have spent the past couple of hours thinking about who I am. What shaped the person I am now? I know that supposedly adults are a product of their upbringing, so our childhood makes us who we are. But I know there's more to it than that.
Do I like who I am? What made me who I am? What would I change about
me?
I know relationships (with partners, not family) played a big part in who I am today...but at this moment..I like who I am today. I wont be defined by stereotypes, yes abuse shapes a person, but so does so many other things, there are a million things that make me me.
I am a mother, a sister, a daughter, a grand daughter, a niece, an aunty, a friend
I have OCD tendencies, I like to walk/ dance/
play in the rain. I always worry that I cause things to happen. I love my bed, I hate not having the security of my home, I had my wedding photos done in a cemetery and even though I'm divorced now, I still love the pictures. I used to weigh over 100kgs.....*and has been pointed out by someone who knows, the heat makes me a little cranky :P
here's more........

My full name- Tania Marie
- Age - 36

- Height - 160cm
- Natural hair colour- born blonde, but now it's brown I suppose
- Eye colour - blue/grey

- Number of siblings - 1 sister
- Glasses/contacts - Glasses for reading, driving at night etc

- Piercings - ears and another umm.. place. Had my nose and belly button done a years ago, but they're not in anymore
- Tattoos - 5

- FAVOURITE
- Colour- turquoise
- Band - Godsmack

- Song - too many
- Stuffed animal - my bear Hudson
- Video game - Primal
- TV show - lots
- Movie - lots

- Book -
- Food - oh there are so many..

- Flower- they're all beautiful, but I love roses
- Scent - fresia, rose, gardenia, good food
- Animal -
- Cartoon- Brandy and Mr Whiskers, Spongebob

- DO YOU

Play an instrument? no
Watch TV more than 60 hours a week? no
Like to sing? yes
Have a job? no

Have a cell phone? yes
Like to play sports? not
competitively
Have a boyfriend? no
Have a crush on someone? no
Live somewhere NOT in the united states? yes
Have more than 5 TVs in your house? no
Have any special talents/skills? I am creative

Have any faults? I forget bad things people do to me too quickly. I think I can help make people happy.
Exercise daily? most days

Speak any other languages? no
Go a day without food? yes, have gone a few days without it
Stay up for more than 24 hours? have done it
Read music, not just tabs? nope
Roll your tongue? no
Eat a whole pizza? yeah.. sadly lol


– HAVE YOU EVER
Seen a shooting star? yes
Been to any other countries besides the united states? yes... Canada, England, Scotland, Vanuatu
Had a serious surgery? it's all serious

Stolen something important to someone else? no
Gone out in public in your pajamas? yes
Been arrested? arrested, not charged
Done drugs? smoked a few joints

Laughed and had milk come out of your nose? not milk, coffee
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator? yes
Been in love? yes
Been to a casino? yes

Ran over an animal and killed it? no
Broken a bone? yes
Gotten stitches? yes
Gone skinny dipping in winter? yes

Made homemade muffins? yes
Been to niagra falls? yes

WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU

Brushed your teeth - this afternoon
Saw A Movie In Theaters - about a month ago- Dark Knight
Read a book - this week
Went to the grocery store - yesterday

Got sick - July
Cursed – today
PICK ONE
Fruit/vegetables - vegies

Black/white - black
Lights on/lights off - off
TV/movie - good tv
Car/truck - car

Body spray/lotion - what ever I'm in the mood for
Pillows/blankets - both
Headache/stomach ache - stomach
Paint/charcoal - charcoal

Chinese food/mexican food - mexican
Summer/winter - winter
Snow/rain - snow

Fog/misty - misty
Rock/rap - rock
Meat/vegetarian - meat
Chocolate/vanilla - chocolate
Sprinkles/icing - icing
Cake/pie - cake
French toast/french fries - chips :P
Strawberries/blueberries - strawberries

Ocean/swimming pool -ocean swimming pool
Hugs/kisses - depends
Cookies/muffins - either
Moon/mars - Moon

FRIENDSHIP
Have you ever been in love? Yes
Are you single? yes

Are you in a relationship? no
Do you believe there is someone for everyone? yes
What is your idea of the best date? somewhere
comfortable- warm weather, picnic on the beach with wine, and then a walk. Cold weather- cosy restaurant
What was your first kiss like? On a bus, scared to death

How old were you when you got your first kiss? 13
Do you think love is a load of shit? sometimes when I'm feeling cynical

WORD ASSOCIATION
Free - peace
Space - stars
Taste - chocolate mousse and rasberries

Red - rose
Deep - ocean
Heart - break
Rain - dance
Bed - mine
Jump - joy


I....

am - happy
want - love
need - hugs

crave - hugs
love - too easily
hate - crying
feel - relaxed
miss - travelling
am annoyed by - stupid people
would rather - be in Scotland
am tired of - my sore arm
will always - love my children


SILLY STUFF
What is your favourite genre of music? hard rock
What time is it now? 4pm
What day is it? Friday

Whens the last time you called someone? 2:15pm
How much money do you have right now? $7
Are you hungry? no

Do you like parades? depends.. boring ones no, but ones like "Rolling Thunder" in Washington DC was pretty awesome to watch
Do you like the moon? yes I do
What are you going to do when youre done with this? try and nap
If you could have any magical power what would it be? the ability to do what ever I want l
ike Jeanie in I dream of Jeanie
Have you ever had a picnic? yes

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
funny? yes
pretty? sometimes
sarcastic? yes
lazy? yes

hyper? sometimes, ok rarely
friendly? yes
evil? no
smart? yes

strong? yes
talented? no
dorky? no


WOULD YOU EVER:
Sky dive? yes

Play strip poker? done it
Run away? done it
Not take a shower for a week? god no
Ask someone out? done it
Visit a foreign country for more than a month? went to America for 3 months
Go scuba diving? done it

Write a book? would love to
Become a rockstar? hahahaa


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Take me Home

Sometimes I find a song that fills me with emotion and takes me on a journey and this song is one of them.

I have been watching a show called True Blood, and I LOVE it. During a heartbreaking scene in episode 6, there is an unbelievably haunting song, the song playing is called Take me Home by Lisbeth Scott.


On her website, Lisbeth says "I sing to comfort, heal, move, transport and awaken the divine voice within us all"

I love closing my eyes and going where the music takes me, I don't think of it as a song about death. I see myself on a beautiful green grass covered hill, I'm by a large tree, looking out into the distance, looking out at grass, hills and the ocean and I am peaceful and blessed. I assume it's my home in Scotland. I'm positive I lived there in a past life.. have you ever been somewhere and just felt like you'd come home?



When Mr NY and I went to Scotland, I had an overwhelming feeling that I'd 'come home' I felt so at peace there, I NEED to go back, it's not just a 'want' it's a definite 'need'. The photo on the side that looks black and white, is a place called Loch Awe, it was after 3pm and I was walking along the shore line, the sun was shining through the clouds and took the photo, with my 35mm canon slr and the photo came back greyscale, it was the only photo in the roll that came back the way it did, there's something in Scotland for me. While I'm off on my tangent, I'll add the photo here



I just love it.



Turning my tangent around and back to the song............

I love finding truly special songs

Please listen to it at amazon.com (click the little play button, it's not very much of the song) or at cdbaby.com (on the left hand side underneath "tracks" click the 'play' button and then open, I used real player)

Let me know what you think :)



Sunday, October 19, 2008

Just Breathe

My mood changed last week after having been so good for so long..
Having realised what it was that caused it, I took measures so it doesn't happen again. I am enjoying the way my mind is working now, having had it be a foggy mess for too long.

The economy isn't the best, Christmas is coming, people are worried.
I have a tiny flat, a mountain of bills, a buggered right arm, and a smile that isn't leaving my face

This has been a fantastic week, Mr Rudd's little bonus will come in handy, we're deciding as a family where it should go. I cashed in some flybuys points to get some KMart vouchers for buying Christmas pressies, I got a survey worth 600 points which will get me a $50 fuel card, my rehabilitation place is giving me $150 to cover 3 of my counselling sessions (must send the receipts tomorrow) My neighbour took me out to dinner, nice guy.. his massive German Shepherd dog loves me.. I'm supposedly the first person Tal (the dog) has adored, he doesn't bark at me, I can walk into mickscott's yard and Tal brings me his ball...hahaha very funny because he's a guard dog :)

One day at a time, breathe through everything, relax, ask myself questions, take my vitex agnus castus, unclutter my house (I'm still working on the loungeroom, and I'm still enjoying it) take a break when I need it, do yoga, go swimming... life truly is wonderful :)

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Super excitingly MOIST!

Everyone will be happy to know that I bought my vitex agnus castus and therefor should no longer have that debilitating PMT(S) (can't believe I went all american and used pms)
I think I associated it with the abuser because I couldn't understand why I was bawling and just decided it would have to be about him cos what else do I have to be unhappy about.
It was very nice being in time with the full moon, it's rare for me to get them so to happen on a full moon was special for me :)

Earlier this week I made a decision to put tafe on hold and I'm still trying to get my head around it, but I think it's the right thing to do.I am taking too much endone or oxycontin because my elbow hurts from the writing or from typing too much, and I actually need to concentrate and have a clear head and those two pills make it impossible for me to be able to think clearly.
I need to get other things sorted first.
I was told I need another surgery on my arm.
And I am having a big clutter clean out, clutter from my mind and home and only two days in I am feeling good. It's taking ages because....
"hello my name is Tania and I am a hoarder, it's been six days since I've bought something that I don't really NEED"

Yes I am a hoarder but everything has it's place, the bookshelves are done in category and height, the crystals are done in patterns that mean something to me etc etc
I am enjoying my clean out, I'm still doing the loungeroom, it's been two days, but I've done everything from put the playstation games into alphabetical order (Buzz big quiz comes before Buzz monsters... yes yes I have issues), sort cables and plug the dvd and video into the stereo correctly to moving furniture and putting my crystals where I can see them better. I never thought I'd admit it, but I am enjoying cleaning, LOVING cleaning, cleaning PROPERLY. The only problem is is that when it's done I will be even more OCT(D) so doing it slowly will be better

BUT
my super moistalicious thing is that the Amazing Race is back on tv tonight YAY!!!!!!
I have been watching it since it was on tv at 10.30pm or later, way way back when I was living in Wollongong.
YOU HAVE BEEN PHILIMINATED
YAY YAY YAY!!!!
HAPPY DANCE

p.s I miss you Lisa

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Are you kidding me???


This was PMS?!!!
I cried for five days, popped a pretty pink pill, thought that my happy pills weren't working and felt like my good work had gone to hell all because of PMS?!

It explains the 500 grams of cadbury hazelnut chocolate hahaha

but wow, I haven't had PMS this bad for many many years, for my sanity and theirs, I am going to get some vitex agnus castus tomorrow, it was the only thing that helped all those years ago :)

(and no, I have no idea about my dates for periods and pms because of PCOS)

Non medicated amusement :)

Ok listen up
quit chucking crap my way... ok? seriously, no more. I think I've shown that I can climb out of that dark horrid place way too many times, so enough is enough.

This comment sticks with me

As usual the Goddess always chooses to test us when we feel that we have become strong.You have grown, yes you have, and know the Goddess is saying..."show me how much!".....Don't let this drive you back...let it be an opportunity for you to find a way round this....w.w.

It turns on a bit of a light to think this way and to know that sometimes a test is good.

But I'm starting to think the Goddesses are laughing at me, sitting there, watching the world, drinking champagne, slightly tipsy, playing a game..

"what can we throw at her now.. how about this?
*kapow*
"hahaha nooooo we can do better than that"
*zap*
"awww she's crying..pfft lightweight.."

It's a little bit funny to think of it this way, and does amuse me (I amuse easily)
And surprisingly helps me be stronger.

It's all good :)

Sunday, October 12, 2008

It's a dark tunnel

I've been feeling like I'm sinking back into a place I have no desire to go again.

I had an appt with Prince William on Wednesday morning and since then I have been crying, not just a few tears, but heart breaking sobs. Every day.

I had been doing so well and then all of a sudden I started crying during my appt. William said that it was good because I was finally in the grief stage. Not grieving because of missing the abuser, but grieving over the loss of what the relationship wasn't, it wasn't nurturing, supportive and loving. I think with this grieving process I have also added in the grief of my marriage breaking up and also the break up of my long term relationship before the abuser. All things that I hadn't dealt with properly. And it is destroying me. I try and do my mantras, I try and occupy myself, but I am in such a low place right now that I feel like I can't pull myself up and out of it.

The mantras are quickly forgotten and I am rolled up in a ball in bed and crying like my heart will never mend

But in being so down, I've been forgetting the abuse and I am missing him so much AND I HATE THAT.

I have to keep reminding myself

he abused me
physically emotionally mentally spiritually

nothing I did was good enough

I have to keep telling myself
I am really not missing him as a person, I am missing the person I wish he could have been

But what if one day he is the person I hope he'll be and I've missed that chance?

I truly loved him
I have to stop defending him

I never understood how abused women stay
but I learned why

I am supposedly grieving and I want to sleep I want to stop crying but I feel like there is no light