Friday, November 20, 2009

Not breech anymore! Due date today.. But not going to happen in this heat

First off, please have a look at the photos my beautiful daughter has posted on her blog of her yr 10 formal, she looks gorgeous!

We've had a bit of an "emotional roller coaster" (we just lurve that little saying) in recent weeks.
Baby decided it preferred being breech, so I tried doing everything to turn it. Moxibustion sticks, which is Chinese accupressure, moxibustion sticks are long sticks of mugwort that you light and hold next to your little toes for about 15 mins, it's supposed to stimulate the baby moving, I also swam lots, put my knees on the lounge and hands on the floor, and stuck ice packs on the baby's head.

My wonderful Obstetrician did two ECVs (external cephalic version) which involved me going to hospital, having a fetal monitor put on my belly for 20 minutes then two doctors.. one scanning.. and the other turning the baby from the outside and then another 20 minutes of monitoring. When I first decided we needed to do what we could to turn our baby, googling 'turning breech baby' inevitably showed up with stories of women choosing (being 'encouraged') to have caesareans over trying ECV because of "the risks with ECV" and because they're told that if they've had caesareans then they can't have an ECV. I chose not to read any of those and to just read about non invasive ways of turning the baby and to have faith in my OB, if he thought I could have one, then I could and I did, first one was successful, but the baby turned again the next day, which I'll admit was quite distressing because I want to try for a natural delivery
without too many complications. My OB called me on Monday to see how things were going (Have I mentioned how much I love this guy) told him the baby had turned again, so he asked me to come back in that afternoon to try another ECV, that one was unsuccessful. BTW the ECVs did NOT hurt! they were just like having a nice tummy massage.

So Tuesday we did moxibustion again and at Wednesdays check up, the baby had finally turned head down!! and has so far stayed that way. Even though my OB is quite happy for me to try and have this baby naturally if it is breech (he's a rare OB) I am so happy that being head down will make this a little easier for me.
40 weeks pregnant and the baby turned, so so far I've avoided an unnecessary caesarean :)

We're ready for our new little one, but if it can come on a day that isn't so hot, then that would be great.

Married life has been wonderful, I adore him, he's very good to us. I hope he'll be happy with our 6 months of summer, cos I know I wont be, I'll try and not be too lizzy borden-ish (he thinks I'm like her when I'm hot.. could be right)

I guess my next post will be introducing our baby, can't wait :)

Monday, November 9, 2009

Glen and I got married! and I promise to never take advantage of him again :)

Glen and I were married on Friday November 6th just after 10am at Zenith Beach near Nelson Bay... and Glen had no idea it was going to happen :)

It was too easy to be sneaky

When Glen's visa was granted a few weeks ago, I decided to start the wedding plans again which had been cancelled months before. I went to Port Stephens and my friend Kylie and I went looking at beaches, I knew it had to be Zenith Beach which was the first one we looked at, there's a track leading to the beach, the headland and water were beautiful, it was the perfect place for us, and the only time it wouldn't be protected from the wind was if there was a southerly, and I was assured they rarely come in the morning there.

While standing there looking at the ocean I decided that I was going to make it the day we were
supposed to get married and that I would keep it a secret from Glen and ask him to marry me at the end of the track when we got to the sand. That afternoon Kylie suggested a hot chocolate at Merret's at Peppers Anchorage while waiting for our table I flicked through their lunch menu, they had a set lunch for $29 for 2 courses, Perfect! This was where the 'reception' would be. We spoke to a wonderful lady there who helped me with the bookings and planning. A round table for 12 in the glass room.

Now for the rest of the planning...My beautiful girls got their dresses at Tree of Life, pink for A and blue for B, I thought the dresses needed something else, and while I slept that night I remembered I had two over dress wrap thingies with embroidery on them, in pink and blue, and they matched perfectly!I had a white dress that I bought from tree of life last year, I love it but I thought I should get something new, I found a long white dress at a surf shop which fit my belly. Shoes... pink, white and blue thongs :) mine and A's had diamontes on them.

I got an invitation pack from America when I was there last, which I absolutely loved, I did the printing and sent them with maps to the beach and to Peppers, and a cover note to let people know it was a secret and to not mention it to Glen.

To get Glen to go to Port Stephens for a few days I told him that because we were supposed to be
married on November 6th, I'd probably be a bit down so we should go away for a few days to relax and take our minds off it. And because Glen is so sweet, he agreed, he'd do almost anything to make me happy. I booked us into Peppers Anchorage for three nights.

When Glen arrived in Australia, we layed in bed and went through the celebrant's folder of readings, vows, ceremonies etc, even though I was doing all the planning, I wanted Glen's input so he would love the ceremony too, I told him that we should go through it to get an idea for when the time came for us to start planning.

As for Glen's clothes... I never knew buying clothes for a guy would be harder than buying clothes for
teenage girls! We went everywhere looking for something that I liked, yes I had to like it :)There are some truly ugly men's clothes!I finally decided that he should wear the shorts I had bought him from a surf outlet store because every other pair of shorts I saw were just not right, we got him a nice shirt to go with them and he got his good going out black thongs to match :)

The Tuesday that we had a 38 degree day, I sat up til 3am writing out our ceremony for the celebrant, and I am grateful that he didn't change anything.

I called Glen's mother to ask for her blessing for our wedding, I knew she would say yes, but because no one from Glen's family could be there, I wanted everything to be ok with her and with Glen's brothers. I also asked her to write something for B to read at the wedding from Glen's family. She was very happy for us, but very sad that she couldn't be there, which I completely understood, The following evening on the phone, she read out a letter for us, I wrote her words down and we both cried.

I'd started the paperwork in March before we found out we were pregnant, so all we needed was Glen's signature. The celebrant was a touch worried because I wasn't going to ask Glen to marry me before the actual day, apparently having an engagement ring, being pregnant, and spending a fortune on a prospective spouse visa isn't enough to prove that Glen actually want to marry me. I told Glen that while we were in Port Stephens we should go and see the celebrant to finalise the paper work and then we could get married anytime we wanted to. Glen was interrorgated for a while about when he wanted to get married (he said as soon as possible, that we'll just have to organise for my girls to be there :) etc etc etc so after 2 hours with the celebrant, we were finally able to have some time together, and Glen still didn't know he was going to get married the next day, even though the celebrant asked him if he'd want to get married at 10am the next day.

I had to be very careful when we got to the Anchorage, I had been told that the welcome board would be updated in the afternoon to have a congratulations message for Glen and I, so I had to make sure Glen didn't go to the reception desk. When I had to call home and my dad, I had to lie and say that our room didn't have very good phone coverage so I had to leave, then there were the million texts I had to lie about, I absolutely hate when you're with someone and all they do is text, I had to lie to Glen and say there was a small problem at home the girls needed help with, and I felt terrible, but there WAS a small problem. Everytime we were in Coles or near the florist, we'd look at their flowers and talk about what would be nice to get, I said pink and white roses would be beautiful and we bought ribbon to be wrapped around them, come the wedding eve, for the first time that we saw, the florist didn't have a single rose!! and coles only had deep red and some pink. After about 45 mins of texts and sly phone calls, the girls got white lisianthus and the pink roses for me, and some red roses for them. They did beautifully, I'm very proud of how they handled everything.

Glen and I couldn't choose rings, so Bianca made some, his is made from silver beads and Bianca
surprised me by making mine out of freshwater pearls, very beautiful.

About 5 o'clock that afternoon, it started raining, that was ok, I wasn't worried yet.I was planning on doing my hair that night, doing beautiful curls with my ghd, and then having it all perfect
for the morning, I am hopeless, nothing I did worked, it was ok though because I hoped a miracle would happen and my hair would be ok lol

When I woke up at 4.30am, and saw it was still raining, I was hopeful it would stop. The texts started again, my hair was a shocking mess, the rain got heavier and I decided I needed some heavy duty hair spray which I haven't used in years. I told Glen I was going to coles, but first I sat in the car and called the girls so they could check the radar online for me and I cried, even though they assured me it would be ok, they tried making me feel better by saying the cupcakes and flowers looked beautiful. I then called mum and dad and they were happily telling me it would be ok because rain never stopped our family doing anything, and they were right, we'd have bbqs, go for walks, rain wasn't a problem to us. I'd only had 5 hrs sleep so I was a bit tired and emotional.

I got my stuff from coles included some tim tams in the basket and cheered myself up, I was going to marry Glen, I'd loved him for 11 yrs, rain didn't matter.

The celebrant called, he said I should think about changing the place for the wedding, but I refused, he said there was a downpour coming, but I had faith.

Back at the hotel.. my hair was still a scary mess, but I tried to fix it, hair lacquer helps :) I put some little silver flower clips in my hair and we got ready, I told Glen we were going somewhere nice for breakfast, but he didn't question why we were getting so dressed up.

At about 9:45am the rain stopped :)

At 9.55am (the wedding was to be 10am) More texts.. "your parents aren't here!" wtf?

Then a text from B "we stopped for breakfast, now they've stopped for a toilet break, I'm going insane!"

I was feeling sick with nerves, I told Glen that the manager at Coles had suggested we should have a look at a beach that would be nice to get married on, so that was my excuse as to why we weren't going to breakfast just yet, I pretended to get a little lost, drove the long way, only to pull up to the car park to see my mum, dad, Uncle Doug and Aunty Sue walking down the track towards the beach!!! Glen thankfully didn't notice them.
So I had to fake some pregnancy issues so we could sit in the car longer, that part was easy, I was
shaking with nerves, so I said I was feeling light headed too, we waited about 10 minutes and then
started walking down to the beach..
It still wasn't raining, the wind was blowing southerly (which I was told wouldn't happen lol) my hair was an absolute shocking mess again, but what could I do, I didn't realise it would be that windy.

We walked down the path and I could see everyone, Kylie and my dad were to the left of us taking photos of me about to ask Glen to marry me, and everyone else were about a hundred metres away waiting, Glen still didn't notice lol

This is how the conversation at the end of the path went.

Me...."Glen what would you say about getting married today?"

Glen.."Do you like this beach?"

Me... "Yes, would you marry me today?"

Glen.."We'll have to get everyone up here"

Me pointing to everyone.... "they're already here, see?"

Glen... "oh ... OH"

it finaly dawned on him lol

he kissed me over and over and hugged me and I knew it could rain, and I could be a mess, I could be the size of an albino walrus, and this would still be one of the happiest days of my life :)

The girls came running over to hand me my flowers, they were beautiful, the girls and the flowers.The celebrant came over to speak to Glen alone to make sure I wasn't forcing him into marrying me
And then my girls, Glen and I walked over to everyone to and they were just as happy for us as we were.

The ceremony started with asking permission from A & B

Then an introduction that I wrote about how Glen and I met almost 11yrs to the day (it was actually the
7th November that we met)Allira did the first reading which was an Irish Blessing (Glen has Irish citizenship)

We then had a "sand ceremony" I didn't use coloured sand, we got sand from Merewether Beach and sand from Zenith beach to pour into a bowl.

Bianca then read the second reading which was from Glen's mother, it made Glen very emotional.

Next was our vows and rings, Glen and I both did our vows from the heart, neither of us had anything written down, we exchanged rings, which were beautiful.

We then had a hand blessing which was lovely...

The rain stayed away until we left the beach over an hour and half later, we had dolphins near the shore when were saying our vows and signing the register and there were crows, two animals which are important to me.
Our lunch at Merrets was beautiful, and having only 10 guests was lovely.

Our wedding was perfect for us We stayed at the Anchorage until Sunday, and I think we smiled the whole time

We are so happy, this is where we are meant to be

Monday, October 12, 2009

5 more sleeps! 6 more weeks!

I Love this new photo, I love my compact bump
I am much better,
I have contacted ACE,
I got through a tummy bug which almost had me running to hospital because I couldn't keep anything in, not even water, but it didn't last long and
12 hrs into it I managed to keep water down. Bianca was very impressed at being asked to empty my vomit bucket :)

This year is going so quickly

5 sleeps til Glen gets here!

That comes with it's own little set of excitement and fears
I haven't lived with anyone other than my girls since
2003 and it's been quite nice actually, I like the freedom, but Glen is wonderful when it comes to my needs.
Cooking for him will also be different, I feel like I have to impress him with 50's housewife meals every night, where as a lot of nights here we play surprise chef and grab things out of the fridge and cupboards and cross our fingers that something edible is created. And Glen is a fussy bitch with some foods, doesn't like Indian (one of our favourites) doesn't like seafood (blah blah blah, I can't wait til I can have crab, king prawns and oysters again) and I'm too lazy to cook separate meals so I suppose he'll be making dinner for himself some nights :)
Hopefully he wont miss having high fructose corn syrup in everything.... that was one of my big hates in America, it seems like it's in EVERYTHING
so I'm sure there'll be some little problems as we settle in, but we'll get through them, if not, there are numerous pubs in this town that he can go to :)

6 weeks til due date!
I spent over an hour with my midwife and OB last week and we went through everything. I love how they are willing to listen to my wants during my labour, and are willing to compromise on some of their protocols, which is the opposite of a lot of stories that other women who want VBACs have written about. And my Ob thinks that email I received was ridiculous. He checked my fluid again and the level was 21!!! which is well into normal :)
I have another big scan next week to check the baby's growth etc, but I'm sure it's all good. Baby is probably a little small because of the stress I have put myself through this pregnancy.

I am so excited about my Pregnancy Ritual at Rose Cottage that is coming up, I've never had a baby shower or anything like it, and I know the Ritual will be something special, my girls are excited and one of my closest friends is coming up from Wollongong for it which means a lot to me, but my friend of 28 yrs wont come, which hurts, but it's her choice not to attend.

Lisa and the other ladies at the cottage, I am so grateful for this Ritual, thank you

In a couple of hours there is a baby shower for Glen and I in New York. It's also a going away party for him, but my sister in-law has gone to a lot of trouble to make it about the baby too. Pink and blue m&ms, baby favours etc etc. She's bought Glen a 'new daddy' hat to wear and all the other things they do over there. I really wish the girls and I could have been there for it and then we could have all flown back together, but it wasn't meant to be this time. Glen is playing with his band there too, which I would have LOVED to have seen, he plays guitar, and is brilliant! I got to see them rehearse earlier this year and it was great! Best foreplay ever is watching him play lol
They're going to attempt to hook up a webcam so I can hopefully see what's happening, crossing my fingers that it works.

Back to cleaning out the garage :(
18 yrs of accumulated crap! there's stuff in there that was my ex husbands! that goes straight in the bin :)
Hopefully the car will fit in there sometime this week

P.S It REALLY annoys me that the movie of Where The Wild Things Are is not going to be released in Australia until December 3rd!!!! But opens in America this week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes I know it's all got to do with holidays etc but it still annoys me


Monday, October 5, 2009

Googling and the personal trauma it can cause

NOTE: this was extremely difficult for me to write

I am writing this to get it out, stop having it bottled up, also so I can keep a record.

Googling is a good thing, but when I got an answer that I never thought I would hear, it has caused me nothing but heartache and stress.

I can start by stating the obvious, this hasn't been an easy pregnancy for me, it's one thing after another, horrible morning sickness, severe anemia, gradually increasing high blood pressure and then it being normal all of a sudden, the sciatica which I am seeing an obstetrics physiotherapist for and then the small for dates and Polyhydramnios. I have been asked by midwives at my appts if I wanted to go ACE services at the hospital, which deals with women with antenatal and post natal depression, I keep saying no because I am putting my tears down to Glen not being here and feeling guilty for putting too much on my girls.

It's been difficult for me and I am sure it hasn't been easy for my girls, but they have been an absolute blessing with everything they have done to help make things a bit easier.

When I first got the diagnosis of Polyhydramnios, I was fairly confident that all it meant was excess fluid and that's pretty normal, the small for dates thing concerned me more because Glen is 6'3 and I assumed this little one would be long too, Bianca was 55cm and 7 pound 12, allira was 53cm and 9 pound 3, and everyone says that babies usually get bigger.

So I started googling when I got home. Excess fluid occurs in 1-2% of pregnancies, wow, so I had a 98-99% of NOT having excess fluid, but I fell into the tiny % of women that did get it.
Then I started reading about congenital problems. I felt sick.

I had been assured many times that my baby looks normal, but I had been talked out of an amniocentesis and that is pretty much one of the only ways to be sure of the common problems such as down syndrome. Yes soft markers do show up in ultrasounds, but not all the time. In hindsight I should have had the amnio for peace of mind now.

At this point I was a bit nervous but not a wreck.
I did more googling, specifically small for dates and Polyhydramnios.
I found a website writtten by a director of maternal-fetal medicine in America. He has a list of questions written by women with Polyhydramnios and he takes the time to answer them. Reading through the questions I found a comment that he says smaller babies and polyhydramnios is something to be seriously concerned about as opposed to bigger babies as this is a big indicator that something could be wrong.

So I wrote to him, I gave what I thought would be enough information to hopefully show that everything looked positive.

Hi, I am 37 and now 31 weeks pregnant with my third baby, last week I had a scan because I am measuring large for dates. The scan showed polyhydramnios with a level of 25. There seems to be absolutely nothing wrong with the baby apart from being small for dates, she was measuring as a 28 week baby instead of 30 weeks. We are absolutely 100% sure of when I conceived, so the dates can't be out. I have done the GTT and my levels are fine, so no gestational diabetes. My other two daughters were born at 7 pound 12 and 9 pound 3. I am concerned about her being small when it seems like most people with polyhydramnios have bigger for dates babies. I didn't have an amnio because my NT test had excellent results. I am getting quite upset about this and wondering what could be wrong. Any information you could give me would be wonderful, thank you.

I hoped for a quick reply but a week later there was nothing. Now during the time I waited for a reply I saw my GP who I have been seeing for 16 yrs and my Obstetrician who has women coming from as far away as QLD to see him, and they both said don't worry and I accepted that. My OB did another scan and said my fluid levels hadn't risen so that was a good sign. So after that appointment I felt great, I stopped worrying and felt like my little one is as perfect as I first thought.

But then I got a reply from the Dr in America

To Tania: I am afraid the combination of polyhydramnios, a smal for gestational age baby, and your age scares me a little too. I have seen this situation MANY times where it turned out the baby had an unsuspected chromosomal abnormality such as Down syndrome. If you have not seen a specialist in maternal-fetal medicine, I strongly recommend you ask your doctor to send you to one. Good luck to you and let us know how things turn out.
Dr T

Well... I went from being happy about Glen's Visa approval to an absolute blubbering mess. I was physically sick and my joy at being pregnant went to a feeling of sickness when the baby kicked and moved and I had to take down scan photos because I cried everytime I saw a picture of my beautiful baby. I felt sick thinking about labour and what was going to come out.

All I could think of was this 'expert' said that he'd seen this "MANY" times and there is a problem and not a small problem but a major chromosomal abnormality. I went into panic mode, I tried getting another scan but he's on holidays, I went to see my GP who called the Dr "stupid, stupid stupid" but all I could think of was that I was the stupid one for not getting the amnio I wanted months ago. I tried to see the OB but he was unavailable. I spent days in tears. I didn't want to look at any baby items, here or in shops and when Boo picked up an outfit in Kmart I cried and cried in the store.
My friend Ky begged me to stop googling but I was trying to find an answer that would be different to what he said, and I couldn't find anything that related to small and polyhydramnios.

On Saturday my neighbour asked me how everything was going, and I couldn't help it, I just burst into tears and as she is a midwife I poured it all out to her. She hugged me a lot and said that she has seen many women with a lot of fluid and the most common thing was a Tracheoesophageal Fistula (TEF) which is a swallowing problem and is found and fixed straight after birth, really nothing to worry about. She also asked about my OCD and I said I was a lot better since things in my life had improved, then she asked "are you using any lotions on your body?" and I admitted that I'm not, I don't use sunscreen, I haven't used a moisturiser on my face in months and I rarely even use the special pregnancy lotions that Glen bought me from Belli because I am worried about the ingredients, she pointed out that this is OCD. She asked if I was like this with my last 2 pregnancies and no they were a breeze compared to how I am now.
She said that if I am this anxious then I should think about a ceasarean because my labour wont progress.
She asked why I wont go to ACE services and I admitted to her that I am scared that they'll think I'm crazy and take the baby away from me, she cried and hugged me when I said that :(
It's very difficult to admit my reason and she's the first person I've told that that's how I feel.

Even though I promised not to google anymore, I did one more and made it a more Australian search. And I am glad I did, I wanted to know what normal amniotic fluid levels were, and normal ranges from 5-25! so I am on the higher side of normal! Why have I been so worried! I read a lot of stories on forums, for a condition that only occurs in 1-2% of pregnancies there are an awful lot of stories. There were some very sad stories, but the majority were positive stories and practically all of the women had much higher levels than mine!

I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and that the Dr in America was extremely negligent in what he had said to me.

Through this I have tried not to involve the girls too much because I don't want them to be upset because of how I am feeling or because they could think there is something wrong with their new sibling.
But sadly I am resenting Glen at the moment, he gets to continue to live his single baby free life in New York, he goes out every weekend, while I feel forgotten by him and he's able to distance himself from all of this, while I struggle to cope with everything that gets thrown my way.

There's about 6 1/2 weeks to go until I can hold my little one and there'll be
no more googling for me

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Good News! Visa Approved!!!!!

Just when I thought our case officer had gone on holidays.....

Glen got a call this morning to say his Visa has been approved!

I am so happy! Lots of happy tears

I was so worried that he'd have to go back to New York a few weeks after the baby arrives, so this is the best news that we could have hoped for :)

Monday, September 28, 2009

It's a beautiful day, month, year, life

Thank you for emails from concerned people, I appreciate it.

Quick update on the baby front...
can't believe there's only 7 1/2 weeks to go!!!

I luckily have a brilliant Obstetrician at JHH who took the time to answer my list of questions, he's also very much for vaginal deliveries after cesareans.
He did a quick scan to check my fluid and said that it hadn't increased which is great! And the baby has turned, it's head down and is still extremely active.

We're kind of ready for the baby. Over the years I have hoarded so much stuff that there's no room for the baby or Glen, plus we live in a tiny 2 bedroom flat, I have been cleaning things slowly, but we're getting there, trying to decide whether markets or a garage sale would be the right way to go. Attempting to make room for Glen's stuff in my cupboard is difficult, I have the most gorgeous, ethereal, gothic, feminine, princess, hippy, etc dresses and I am struggling to part with any of them! Hope all he needs to put in there is a couple of shirts and a suit lol

Things are progressing though, I was trying to decide what kind of car seat I should get, and then I got a sheep skinned lined baby capsule for free! Got the pram off ebay, brand new from a lovely lady in Mayfield who I still keep in contact with, there's lots of clothes, just need somewhere for the little one to sleep when it gets home, I have a beautiful antique hooded basinette that I bought when I was pregnant with A, I need to get it out of the garage (yes I said I was a hoarder, I keep everything) and scrub it and keep it in the sun for a while when all this dust and wind settles down. I've got a new tea tree mattress for it, so looks like all I need now is Glen to get here in 18 days 22 hours and 28 minutes and then for labour to start :)

I have been thinking about my life last year, I was abused and struggling to find my strength. Reading a blog post I wrote a year ago and I found this..

A "
asked me why I was happy today, I told her that if I spent the morning miserable then that is how I would spend my day and isn't it better to have a happy day"
And this
"I said to my mother "what did I do to deserve to be treated like this for so long?" and straight away I answered my own question, I believe that this is a small dark dead end alley on my path, I was given this because I needed it to move on and find my strength, so I am ok."

I found my strength, with the help of many people. Last year I would never have guessed that within a year I would be engaged to a man I have loved for 11 years, and having a baby.
I can honestly say I have no regrets for what the abuser put me through, because it took that to get me where I am now.

I hope everyone has the happies :)

Saturday, September 19, 2009

But it's not cooked enough yet

I had contractions yesterday at 3pm til about 4.15pm.
I didn't realise they were regular, but I was on the phone to a friend who was actually timing them and they were every 5 minutes.
They weren't braxton hicks contractions, they were low and painful.
I called the hospital, they were reassuring and wonderful. Thankfully the contractions stopped and I didn't need to go to in.

There's just too many unexplained things going on,
why the high blood pressure for 15 weeks that suddenly disappeared? the anemia? the polydramnios? my baby being small?

I read that polyhydramnios with a small baby can indicate a chromosomal abnormality

I'm scared there's something wrong and it just isn't being picked up on the scans

Why isn't there a help line for pregnant woman who feel like they're about to lose it?

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Polyhydramnios - my baby has an olympic pool

Had to blog this tonight because it's my birthday tomorrow and I don't want to cry tomorrow.

I had a scan today because my beautiful baby belly is big and it turns out that I have too much amniotic fluid, it's called "Polyhydramnios"
It can indicate that there's some kind of abnormality, but they've reassured me that our little one looks absolutely perfect, but that's not always 100%. It could mean that because there is lots of room in my belly, the baby will happily stay transverse and I wont get a vaginal delivery which is something I really wanted to experience.

There could be other reasons for the excess fluid, but who knows.
Information on Polyhydramnios

The baby is measuring small for dates and as I was only in New York for 2 weeks and Glen is definitely the father.. we know the dates aren't out, but good news it's not small enough to worry about.

I have to have another scan in 4-6 weeks, I'll wait til Glen gets here in 6 weeks.

I am so in love with my little one, it has the most adorable face, I can't wait til I can smother it with kisses :)

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Cranky pants, a baby belly, 29 weeks and finally a date!

Not much has happened in the last few weeks, I spend most of my time at home because of the anemia and my back ache, they exhaust me, but both are improving.
Weight gain is still tearing up the charts making me into super blimp, but what should I expect when I don't move much because I'm so tired all day every day. Can't wait til the water is warmer so I can do laps down at the ocean pool.

Cranky pants are directed are directed at Vodafone, their service has been super crap over the last couple of months, every few weeks I can't send texts to Glen, one time it lasted almost 2 weeks! And when I ring and talk to someone from India, we go through the same thing over and over, put this into your phone, do that, does it work now... and I am always polite, they're only doing their job, but I really want to scream!

The visa process has been ridiculous. After over a month we still don't have a case officer, they don't answer questions when Glen calls, it's very frustrating considering people who have put their forms in after us have a case officer and their visas are being processed. I think they're punishing us because they think we got pregnant on purpose, and considering I never thought I'd ever be able to get pregnant again, they're very very wrong.

Glen is coming out here in October regardless of whether there is a visa or not, he has to come out on a visitors visa, so it's only for 3 months and he'll have to go back, he has to be here for the birth in November. But as soon as he leaves America, his prospective spouse visa will go on hold, they'll stop processing it, so he'll be back in America in January, and then god knows when they'll grant the visa.

There'll be no wedding before the baby is born, which is disappointing, but we can't get married without the visa, we're talking about having a Handfasting, a
nd then off for a hornymoon, we'd like a few days away, to lay in the sun, just relaxing without having to take a newborn with us.

I'm now 29 weeks, can't believe how quick it has gone!
I am big for my weeks so my dr wants me to have a scan to check on amniotic fluid etc, so next week, the day before my birthday, we have another scan, can't wait to see my little one again :)

I've been taking photos for Glen and yesterday I fell in love with my belly again. I know it would be hard for people to understand, but it's a head thing, I'd convinced myself I'd never be able to get pregnant again, and I had been so overweight for s
o long that sometimes when I see my reflection, I forget I'm pregnant and just see myself from a year or more ago when I was very overweight and unhappy. I only had a few weeks of being a size 12-14 this year before I got pregnant, seeing pictures of my belly yesterday, helps me remember that I am pregnant and a lot of my weight gain is due to really being pregnant :)

Like I said, it's a head thing... I am blessed and my belly is beautiful

Monday, August 10, 2009

Isn't this a lovely trip :)

Have had an eventful few weeks. Ups and downs and round and rounds

My visa stuff for Glen went 'missing'. Australia Post did their job of getting it to America within 3 days of me mailing it and then *poof* it disappeared. I paid for registered post and I will never ever do that again, cos as I have found on my numerous googles, they supposedly hang on to registered post articles for some reason. Why they would do this is beyond me. Glen and I both made numerous phone calls to USPS (United States Postal Service) Customs in LA and to Australia Post, and no one could/would tell us anything except what we could see for ourselves on the USPS website, which says That it was in LA awaiting delivery!
But it was delivered 8 days ago! (a month after I sent it) and the website still says it's in LA! hopeless hopeless hopeless!!!!

It was extremely stressful actually, because of the amount of info that was in that envelope that I would have to get done again. My friends who wrote the support statements were both going through their own personal problems, death and illness, and even though I made them aware of what was going on, I would never tell them to hurry up and write new statements. One of them was angry at me because she was worried that her identity would be stolen?! yeah hers would be stolen even though all that I had of her was a photocopied page of her passport, in that envelope was every damn identifying paper and photo that anyone could ever want of me. Luckily the papers were delivered about 4 hours after I spent hours and hours photocopying everything that I had to do to resend. After lots of tears (lots n lots n lots) our applications are at the embassy in Washington DC. If you're wondering why it took us this long to send our forms in, it's because the FBI took 5 months(!!!!!!!!!) to send Glen his report which was needed for the application.

I'm almost 6 months pregnant now, it's exciting and challenging.
Feeling this little one beating me on the inside is funny and the girls think it's hilarious watching her use me as a kicking/punching bag.
Blood pressure is perfect, weight is just zooming up, blah whatever, atleast I am strecth mark free, Glen still thinks I'm beautiful and I get compliments which is really lovely :)
Boo didn't help when one day she said "You dress like you've given up" lol trackies are comfy and I have eczema on my breast so I don't like wearing a bra, usually wear them when I leave the house, but that's it. The eczema came up when I was stressing about my Visa papers and it wont go away, can't use my steroid cream, and tea tree oil hasn't been proven safe in pregnancy. I'll have to ask my Doc, I'll write it on my hand because when I see her I forget about my breast.
It's hard to get in to see her at the moment.
Started having the dizzies, fast heart rate, short of breath etc, Just sitting at the computer or talking on the phone for a few minutes has me puffed and dizzy.
Tried getting into my Dr, no can do it was going to take over a week. Was quite bad last Friday, called Dr again, got a good receptionist who told me no appointments for over a week and a half and I said "what, does everyone think they've got swine flu" she said "exactly"
I explained what was going on, she said she'd talk to my Dr and get back to me, 15 mins later she called back and said my Dr wanted to see me that day. VERY happy about that. Spent the morning with my friend and if I wasn't with her I would have called an ambulance, I was in a bad way, apparently I was grey, nice complexion and I would have loved to have passed out, it would have been better than how I was while sitting in a chair.
Dr thinks I'm anemic, which I laughed at because at the time it was funny :)
She laughed at me when I was sitting on the chair because I was kind of spread out bogan like with my big belly, I said "Yes I know I'm huge" and she said "just think of the present you'll get at the end" and I said "Yep diamond earrings" she laughed, but I'm serious :)
So Glen, emerald cut diamonds, to match my engagement ring will be nice, thanks.

I am loving being pregnant though, it's a big difference to when I was pregnant with the girls, they were easy pregnancies (hell deliveries). I'm going to slow down on wearing jeans and tshirts, my tops ride up and Boo always feels like she has to pull it down for me lol I put a dress on yesterday and fell in love with my belly :)
I feel so feminine and blessed. I never thought we would get pregnant so easily, this baby just melts my heart, I adore every bump, kick, tumble that she does inside of me, I can't wait to meet her.

Names for our little one have been interesting, the boy was kind of easy, because Glen has a thing for the name Magnus, I refused but then gave in and said we could have it as a middle name because it's important to Glen and Glen's important to me.
So Saxon Magnus for a boy, both very strong, masculine names and the Magnus part has grown on me.
The girl's name is a bit harder though, we keep settling and I keep changing my mind. I've always loved the name Gisele, ever since I saw my dad's birth certificate and saw that his mum's name was Gisella, Boo was almost Gisele. We've settled on the first name as being Gisele, but I keep changing the middle name, I can't even remember what we had a few months ago, but now I like Gisele Rosalia, Rosalia was my dad's grandma's name. I like it, it's old fashioned and pretty. But now I like Gisele Aurelia (or ray lee yah) I just think Aurelia is so beautiful! and has a kind of mystical calmness about it.

Can't believe there's only 3 months left!! It's gone so quick!

shower time :)


Friday, July 17, 2009

Question time..When is someone considered family?

So... I have a friend and that has a family bbq to attend this weekend.
The friend's sister in law (SIL from now) has declared that it is FAMILY ONLY

And don't you dare attend if you aren't family!

Which means that friend's son's girlfriend (FS and FSG respectively) and friend's son's girlfriend's toddler son (FSGTS) are not 'allowed' to attend because they aren't considered family by SIL because FS and FSG aren't married! but they have been together for over a year!!
FSG has helped FS through a lot of tough times, always stood by him and helped him back on his feet and FS has been a daddy to her little boy.

Friend is very hurt and disgusted by this, and is considering not attending the bbq, she thinks FSG is being excluded because she is from a poor family and english is her second language and she has never been completely accepted.

So when does someone become 'family'?
and what would you do?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Facebook ?

Sooooo......... I'm bored bored bored.

Missing Boo, who I put on a bus today to go up the coast to spend a few days away from me and her sister. She's with the sweet boyfriend and his family and I am stressing!!!!!!
I texted the boyfriend and told him he'd better be at the bus stop to get her or I would be rather upset.. and of course he was, so I feel 0.5% better

I started up that Facebook thingy again, it has bad juju, but I am facing the facebook demons and trying to figure it out, seriously though is there a tutorial or something!

I am completely clueless!

a wall? photos that aren't even of me?

can't even have a glass of wine to sort through this!!

I need a tutor!!!!

love n smoodges

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

We're half way!

I am still stunned that I have a beautiful baby growing inside of me, even when I see scans, It doesn't fully connect that the little one is in me, I am very happy, not detached in any way, just amazed :)
Yesterday we had our 20 week scan (I'll be 21 weeks on Friday)
I didn't have an amniocentesis, which I have regretted slightly but
I thought this baby was such a miracle that I didn't want to risk a miscarriage, and my NT scan was low risk. So being told that our baby looks perfect was a relief. No problems of any kind could be seen in the organs etc.

The scans are unbelievably different to when I had scans with the girls, the 4D pictures are just beautiful. It was funny watching the little one play with the umbilical cord :)

The sonographer saw the sex of the baby, I asked her to write it down and put it in an envelope, I'm not sure if I want to know, Glen doesn't want to know, the girls are desperate to find out, I'm sure they'll be studying the scan dvd this afternoon. I thought it would be nice to all find out together :)

And onto the photos!
I just love the nose and lips picture, beautiful baby lips!

Looks like it's singing :)

Shy baby

I'm just so happy!!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

It's Good News Day!

It's amazing what a difference a few numbers can make.

My blood pressure was 123/65!!! That's the lowest it's been for 15 weeks, I am so happy! Family is happy, Doctor is very happy. Happy happy happy!

Must have been the cottage's magical healing properties :)
Was wonderful going back there and seeing everyone again.

Just so happy!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


very very emotional
crying a bit and at everything
doctor's appt yesterday, blood pressure not good, blood tests for kidney issues, checking for pre eclampsia.
I thought I was doing the right thing, going swimming, watching what I eat, I went into my doctor saying how good I was feeling and then she did my blood pressure and big surprise, I bawled. She weighed me, weight up 4 kgs in 2 weeks, I was so shocked I just stood on the scales and stared at the numbers. She didn't even sign my medical release so I can do prenatal yoga, she wants to wait. So back to the doc in a week. I'm thinking about going back to Prince William, I need some clarity, I feel like I'm falling and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I'm so scared that something is going to happen to the baby.
I know being upset is not helping my blood pressure, it's not that easy.
I feel very alone

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I can't believe they showed this in science class!!!

I'm a bit shocked that this video was shown to a yr 10 science class, yeah it's funny and I laughed, ok I laughed a lot, but wow. Umm.. could be offensive to some.

The Puberty Pals - Watch more Funny Videos

Friday, June 12, 2009

I think it's over, or it might just be beginning

Had a good few weeks, ups and downs as usual, but it was lovely to have Glen here for 2 weeks . Have been so tired, I'm usually asleep by 8.30pm and now I am sleeping til about 6-7am, and my morning sickness has finally stopped (this week) and my skin has cleared up, so yay!

Pregnancy is still weird
weight is going up and up and up and so is my blood pressure :(
I have to see my doc regularly for blood pressure checks and it's looking like I'll be on medication soon.
At one visit she couldn't find the baby's heartbeat, spent ages trying to find it, so we were put in straight away for an ultrasound a
nd our baby is still alive and kicking and Glen got to see it which was wonderful, so did Bianca's friend Paul who was holding back the tears, was quite funny, poor kid showed more emotion than everyone in the room put together lol and now he desperately wants to come to the 20 weeks scan, he's even made me his top friend at myspace ahahahaha, of course he can come.

Had another check at the Doc on Tuesday and my pressure is up again, we're hoping that with Glen going home and my nausea over, I should be able to relax more (because I was trying to show Glen all the things I love about Newcastle and the Hunter) and try and bring things back to normal. I joined a gym yesterday that has an indoor heated pool where I can just pay pool fees, no gym fees etc, only $29 a month and I can swim daily again, I haven't been swimming since February, and it's my happy
place, so crossing fingers that my pressure and weight will start becoming stable. I don't have any fluid retention, my ring is still loose so that's a good sign. Doc said she might be sending me for gestational diabetes tests etc earlier than normal to check to see what in the world is going on. Could be something medical, or could be that my body wants to go to back to how it was before I was losing all the weight. I didn't have any problems when I was pregnant with the girls, but I was much younger then.
I think I did too much yesterday at the pool, swam my km but was then sick for the rest of the day, might halve it today and see how that goes. Will also be starting some prenatal yoga soon too.

Glen bought a HI-bebe doppler over from America, so we can check the heartbeat and he can hear it over the phone, I have been good and have only used it occasionally, like the day Glen was leaving so he could hear his baby again before he left.
It will come in handy when I go into labour, because I don't want to go into hospital before I really really have to (if my blood pressure goes back to normal) I know that they will monitor me a lot because I've had 2 cesareans and I don't want to be strapped to machines and unable to move around, it's really important to me to have more control over this labour because of how the other 2 went, and I can't have another epidural because the last one dropped my pressure to 40/20 and I'm just happy we're both still alive. So with the dopp
ler I can see how the baby is going through the contractions.

So, he left again last sunday morning,
breaks my heart everytime we say bye at the airport, I think we're up to 12 times now. We don't know when we'll see each other again. His visa is taking forever because of all the paperwork we have to wait for. We've finally decided that his FBI report is god knows where because it shouldn't take 3 months to arrive. They wont give him answers when he calls, so he's going to apply for it again. None of this is helping my blood pressure. Scares me that he wont be here for the baby's birth.

We've finally agreed on names!! no more waiting for some bell to ring in his head when he hears a name! I did say hell no to some of the names on his list, like "Bertram" I don't know wtf he was thinking lol But he did say no t
o 99.9% of my llist, I like Callista and Willow dammit!

and on a side note, this is me wearing numerous layers in Quebec in February, I had lost so much weight, I'm glad I got a few weeks to actually like the way I look lol now I just look fat again, waiting for that baby belly!!! That in between look makes me feel like I did a year ago, so I avoid mirrors at moment. I do love being pregnant, and I do love it when I look pregnant, it's all a head thing at the moment because I forget I'm pregnant and just see gigantor from last year.
Ok swimming time, time to get out amognst people which I haven't been doing for the past 4 months :)

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Scuse me while I throw up

Have been avoiding a lot lately.

Still trying to deal with this 'morning sickness', frustrated by a friend who tells me that morning sickness stops at 12 weeks and anything past that is a bacterial infection. Uh huh, yes so the 24 weeks of being sick with Allira was a bacterial infection? I don't think so, and as I prefer to avoid yelling at people, I just choose to not call her now, I take her calls, but thankfully she understands that I prefer to just be on my own when I am feeling sick 24 hours a day, and I can't throw a grapefruit at her head when she mentions "bacterial infection"

I had my nuchal scan last monday, the girls came with me, I want them to
experience as much of this as they can, and I thought that seeing their baby brother or sister would be wonderful for them. Little Gary is adorable, scan lady was laughing because the first views we got of her were her jumping around straightening her legs. She's a very active little bub.

This is my favourite picture. It makes me giggle when I think of or see it :) It was pretty much the first view of her.

That's not necessarily a penis btw
even though I've been feeling for weeks that it's a boy, we still don't know yet and Glen doesn't want to find out til she's born.

It was very surreal seeing little gary.
I still haven't convinced myself that I am pregnant, it's just not real, I suppose that sounds very odd, but it's very very different to when I was pregnant with the girls.
I had convinced myself that after my fertility problems and my ovary issues, that I wouldn't get pregnant without some kind of help whether it be clomid again or IVF. And I was only with Glen for 2 1/2 weeks (him living in another country doesn't make seeing each other easy) and I got my period the day I left Australia, and I have had ONE four week cycle since I was 11!!!

It is exciting though :)
I've gained so much weight! But I'm ok with that, I'm not mo
ving much, and there are only certain foods that I want to eat right now, very bland foods like eggs, potatoes, sweet potatoes and chicken, but then I could suck down a lemon tart in a few seconds, loving the lemons mmmmm

I've been in maternity jeans since I was 6 weeks pregnant. And oh wow are they comfortable! the KMart ones are the best!! I will wear them after the baby is born, especially to all you can eat buffet dinners :)
At the scan, there were 5 other women, every single other one had a flat tummy, and I am a walrus, Bianca noticed it too, was kind of amusing to see how big I am compared to ther 12 week women.

Only 9 more days til Glen gets here! YAY!!!!!!
He's bought a hi-bebe doppler so he can hear the heartbeat, and so when he goes home, he can hear it over the phone :)

Doctor's appt soon, have pains, I think it might still be the cyst, oh well, we'll see :)

Monday, April 27, 2009

Happy 13th Birthday Allira!

(for yesterday)

Sorry I didn't do this yesterday, and I promise I'll make up for not doing much by giving you a 13th birthday party when things are better
Thank you for being understanding

I love you!!!

Friday, April 24, 2009

All day morning sickness cures, relievers, anyone?

I'd forgotten how horrible all day morning sickness is
but as bad as this is, it's still better than it was with Boo (lasted til 12 weeks) and Allira (lasted til 24 weeks)
I am nauseous, but not throwing up (as I did with my girls) actually I've thrown up twice, once with a hot chocolate and another time with some tea that was supposed to settle my tummy.

It's sucking the life out of me, I function

I'm doing trial and error with things that help
I thought being home would make me feel better than I was feeling in New York, nope I feel just as bad here.

My Preggy Pop drops made me worse today
Ryvitas before I get out of bed are ok, vita wheats are a no no
Weet-Bix makes me want to knock myself unconscious for the day
An egg for breakfast makes me feel slightly better, and a walk down to the beach seems to settle me a little too

It's a shit that this time is so important for development but almost every food makes my tummy turn, so I am trying to remember to take a vitamin every night.
I hate that Glen is so far away and not here to do anything for me. My 'horror'mones are exactly that and I am sick of farting!!

Anyone have any ideas? anything that worked for you?

Glen you're getting a vasectomy, I'm not having another one :P

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

It's baaaaaaaaack ....doodle loodle

Spent the night in hospital, dr was worried about ectopic pregnancy because of progressively worsening pain on my right side. So after being hooked up to a drip and crying after poor Dr Ann-Maree poked and prodded my tummy, I had a scan. Gary (the baby's nickname) is in the right spot :)
so she's not ectopic.
Good news
the cyst in my right ovary is back :(

So I'm kind of in limbo at the moment, don't know what's going on

I heard the heartbeat and saw my little speck of dust on the ultrasound, I cried lol

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Well now.. didn't expect this :)

So... little bit over due, nothing new, but the weight loss had made me a bit more regular
Guess what else it made me!!!

Test one, 5.30am this morning, watching the pee move up the window
First line appears,
rightio then,
second line appears,
two lines? that means negative? even though i knew it didn't, next thought?
Oh shit

Second test, yep still pregnant lol


And Arella decided to eat the box :)

We're shocked, especially considering my age and my ovaries, I had a less than 15% chance of becoming pregnant

But we're also very very happy :)
(so no comments asking me if we're happy ok?)

This is the universe's way of making sure Glen and I are never apart again

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Happy Blogaversary to me, 4 years!

Well hasn't time flown
Yes indeedy

It's very handy having a 'diary' to read back on and see what's gone on over the last four years, where my head and heart were and how far I've come.

So what's changed...

I started the blog when I started a PCOS diet study, and I was 101kgs, so that's changed. If anyone has PCOS and is struggling with losing weight, contact Kate Marsh at Northside Nutrition and Dietetics in Hornsby. It doesn't take that long to get there by train or car (from Newcastle) and it's worth it just to talk to someone who can help and doesn't judge you. It was with her help that I finally started losing weight and keeping it off. Don't let any one in the medical profession tell you you have PCOS because you're overweight! It's such a misconception and very damaging.
So yeah, over 20kgs have gone, and I feel great!!

Reading posts about being heartbroken over two guys, one I am still friends with, and the other the Abuser, are sort of bizarre.
I wasn't 'allowed' to post much during 2007, because the abuser got upset with anything I said, there were a few entries, but I deleted them, it was easier than getting yelled at, actually it was usually after I got yelled at that I deleted them, and then I got yelled at for deleting them hahaha. God how did I let someone control me so much! It's ok, I know the answer to that :)

Life is so much better now, I haven't been this happy in years, my relationship with my daughters is fantastic, yes even when they hide important mail from me, I am engaged to the most perfect man for me. We've known each other for over 10 years and we're finally going to be together.. in the same country.. as husband and wife!
He wasn't the first guy to propose to me since my marriage broke up, but he was the first guy I loved, and trusted enough to say yes.

So many changes
I've shrunk, I've grown, I've matured (yes I have :)
I'm happy, I'm relaxed, I've learnt

I don't regret anything, because without those problems I wouldn't have gotten the help I needed.

Life is good!!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Free.. two a home, doesn't even have to be a good one

I am very upset at the moment,

trying to find some good

I had a feeling that there was going to be flat inspection, I kept asking the girls for the mail, but there was supposedly none. When I was in America, I asked if there was a letter from the Real Estate agency, they said no, this morning I call the agent, and yes there was an inspection, this morning while I was out at the dentist. House is an absolute mess! like a "Today Tonight" house and I'm not joking, it's bad. Jet lag and children who hate me every time I ask them to help has not made a clean house.

Plus they saw the cats, I know it's bad and I shouldn't have lied about them, but we were desperate for a house.

I am sickened. Real Estate is not happy, they were surprised considering how clean it usually is.

oh where's the tequila :(

Monday, March 9, 2009

Home again, home again, jiggity jig

Have been home for 4 days, am happy to be here, but it was hard leaving New York too, I was a bit of a mess at the airport and the check in person who I can't remember his name (I was a blubbering mess, that's my excuse) even came to the boarding gate because he changed my seat assignment to make me more comfortable, and Clinton the flight attendant (is that what they're still called?) on QF108, was an absolute godsend. He took care of me, and was absolutely wonderful, have written a letter to QANTAS to tell them so. I have never been treated so kindly by anyone in any kind of service industry, I can't say enough good things about my flight from New York to Los Angeles. And LA to Sydney was pretty damn wonderful too, I have never seen such good people working on a QANTAS flight before, I got lucky.

I loved seeing my girls again :)
It was fun torturing them while they waited for their pressies.

I'm pretty sure they liked all their gifts.

I am a sucky flyer, jetlag stays with me for up to and possibly beyond a week. I'm still waking up between 3 and 4.30am and can't get back to sleep. So I usually call Glen :)
I would use my laptop to keep going with wedding preparations but I've come home to

A BROKEN LAPTOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but no one knows how it broke, flippin laptop pixies who like to break things must have come over while I was gone. Oh and the good part is, my extended warranty with Harvey Norman WONT COVER IT, because they decided it was user fault, cos a broken bit of plastic has made it so I can't even turn it on!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Never mind, it means that I have taken over the desk top which is in their room and have changed the background picture to one of Glen and I and they are under strict orders not to change it, and when they complain about me being in their room I just say 'SHOULDN'T HAVE BROKEN MY FLIPPIN LAPTOP THEN" mwahahahahaha

Have created two new pages for wedding plans, one for Newcastle and one for New York. The date in Australia has been set for November 6th 2009 and New York is sometime after that, maybe the 14th or 21st.

New York

So family and friends can see where we're up to in our planning cos we're all over the world


jetlag sucks

toodle pip

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

ENGAGED!! engaged, engaged, engaged!!!

ME who usually throws up at the thought of getting married again, is actually going to get married again!! and I wasn't sick, I wasn't nervous, just so very very happy.

Glen, aka Mr NY, asked me to marry him yesterday at Le Chateau Frontenac in Quebec Canada.
It had been snowing all day and we'd been walking around old Quebec (which is a walled city, 400 years old) and we had had such a wonderful day, he surprised me and proposed at 2:53pm (I'm a numbers person, I need to know times/dates etc). We celebrated by walking 30 minutes in the dark, in the heavy snow, to a micro brewery, lol yes... we shared 8 beers to celebrate our engagement, and I wouldn't have chosen any other way.

My ring is gorgeous. White gold with a small emerald cut diamond surrounded by 14 little diamonds and there are 7 diamonds set in each side of the band. It's 'art deco' antique style and is completely different to anything I have ever liked. It absolutely perfect!

The Chateau is an amazing hotel and they were so wonderful! We had a 'signature room' with a turret, it was upgraded because Glen told them he was going to propose over the weekend. They sent us some maple fudge which was sooooooo good! and a lovely formal letter congratulating us.

Glen and I have known each other since October 1998, there have been many trips for both of us back and forth from New York to NSW. We have tried being with other people, but no one came close to the way we felt about each other. He is the kind of man who would do anything to make me happy. When we walked on icy pavements in Montreal, he walked behind me in case I slipped so he could attempt to catch me, when the snow was heavy and smacking me in the face, Glen walked in front of me so he could block it from hitting me. He's 6'3 to my 5'2 (and maybe a half) He is kind and considerate, he is a brilliant guitar player, he loves the girls like they were his own. He asked for their permission to ask me to marry him, then he asked my parents and then he jokingly asked my best friend, the bitch said "no refunds cos she's used" lol she's lucky I love her!

I am just so happy!
I had a great time gaining weight in Quebec, how could I not! being a French settled area, the patisseries and the boulangeries were irresistable, I died in baguette heaven this morning!! cheeses, meats, eclairs, hot chocolate, wonderful coffee.... oh I love Quebec!

There will be two weddings, one in New York and one in Newcastle somewhere. It will involve aspects of both of us. I will wear a virginal white traditional dress and silver shoes, but there will be hand fasting, there will be roses, candles and ivy, there will be no "til death do we part" because I believe love goes beyond death, and I will make the cake, it will be perfectly us :)

I would love to put photos up, but it's almost 3am and Glen is asleep and the card reader is in there, I don't sleep very well over here... so photos will be posted eventually!

yay for being super happy :)

I haven't been reading any blogs, this is the first time I have been online in ages, I've been too busy traipsing around New York City (I LOVE NYC.. so good to be back) and various places in Canada, I will read everything eventually :)

Friday, February 13, 2009

My Girls

I just want to say that I love my girls more than any words could ever express.

They are the most beautiful, loving, caring, fun daughters that anyone could ever hope to be blessed with.

I will always love you both and no matter where I am, I have you with me in my heart

I love you


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

True Aussie Heroes

Those who fought to save their families, their pets, and their homes, and those who died trying.
The men and women who fought fires and saved lives.
The medical teams
The veterinary teams
The volunteers
Those who are raising donations
And those who are donating their time and money

Every person involved in the Bushfires, are heroes.

I admire their strength during this horrific time.

It's heartbreaking and not a day goes by that I haven't cried.

My family was stuck in a bush fire when I was 8. We were scared, in awe and very lucky.

There are many ways for people to help, please don't forget the animals

The Red Cross
Wildlife Victoria
Donate to RSPCA Victoria
The Salvation Army

Monday, February 9, 2009

The good news and the good news

Well I've had my big 2009 wake up slap from the universe and we're only a few weeks in!

I questioned myself a lot last week, and one of the reasons which I didn't write about was because during a run last Tuesday night, an invisible being stuck a red hot poker into my chest, left side of my breast. Holy crap it hurt!
I stopped running of course and walked the rest of the way home. The pain went away.. and the googling started, maybe it was from xenical, maybe from pushing myself too hard, maybe anxiety, maybe just maybe.. heart issues. Well crap.

Wednesday... I walked little one to school, the pain came again, duller, but still there with every step I took. Pain moved up my chest and was very uncomfortable, but settled when I rested, I cut my exercising in half that day, wondered if I was doing too much, wondered if I stopped doing what I was doing would my weight balloon again.

Thursday... Tried to get into my doctor, no appts, maybe I should've mentioned chest pain and mental head, but I didn't. Made appt for tuesday 10th. Pain continuous throughout the day, only did the school walks. Starting to really worry about my heart. Napped on the lounge in the afternoon, everytime I moved the pain would come back, and this wasn't little ouchy pains this is 'holy wow wtf is happening' pain.
Bianca's birthday was the next day, had to be well. Made tiramisu for Bianca's birthday 'cake' (what can I say, I make awesome tiramisu and it's better than cake lol) and then drove myself off to John Hunter. Gawd.. 50 people in emergency waiting room... but mention chest pains and you zoom into a bed with 50 death stares behind you. I am so grateful to the the Doctor Bianca and the Nurse Rose who took such good care of me! My daughter's name is Bianca Rose so I thought that my doc and nurse having her name was a good sign :)

Wow test after test after test, ecg, heart monitor, chest xrays, blood tests etc, very thorough. Nurse Rose and I had a bit of a giggle when she told me that my resting heart rate is that of a 'very fit person'!! hahahaha not bad for being about 15kg overweight, I'm glad I lost that 22kgs, I'm very impressed with myself. They gave me nurofen, didn't work, they tried a horrid little cocktail they've christened a 'pink lady' which is xylocane and some other stuff which numbed the bejesus out of my throat, it felt like my airways were closing up. At 5am I said, I can go now right.. and just started getting dressed, I had to be home before Bianca woke up because it was her birthday and that was more important. I was told to take it easy and stop exercising for a few days.

Friday... a whole 2 hours sleep, Bianca's birthday, chest pains, couldn't nap, no idea how I didn't pass out from not sleeping my usual 9 hours. Lots of chewable disprin.
Phone call from the hospital "hello this is the cardiac dept, we need you to come in for a stress test, monday morning 10.30am and no exercising this weekend" oh crap again, right then.
I enjoyed my junk food for Bianca's birthday dinner, cocktail fish, scollops, chips and a couple of bites of Boo's burger and Tiramisu.... ooooooh my goodness yum!!!!

Yes I gained weight, it took all of 60 seconds to get over

Pains Saturday, more disprin, no exercising, relaxed feeding stingrays and sharks, very very relaxing, I loved it, no pains for hours after that. Have a look at the video I took of Bianca feeding the ray, so adorable!

Sunday.. no bad pains :) little twinges when walking for about 15mins on the beach.

Today.. pains walking Allira to school *sigh*

Stress test.. well that's a fun way to spend a morning. Debbie was great, very very impressed with the JHH staff that I have encountered during the last week.
It's all good though cos I finally got some good exercise walking and running 4kms on the treadmill at various gradients for 11 mins ;)

The good news is my heart is great, well I'm still waiting for the cardiologist's phone call to confirm it but I'm sure I'm healthy and they told me that my fitness levels are above average!!

The other good news is that I am awake and I understand that I have been pushing myself too hard.
Muscular Skeletal pains hurt, and I'd rather cut my exercise than continue with this pain.

so no more over doing it :)

Friday, February 6, 2009

where did 15 years go?

My beautiful girl is 15 today

What a joy to come out of a very long labour (thanks JHH)

She is an absolute wonder. A beautiful girl, with a giving, caring nature. I've never seen anyone put more of themselves into the things they find important, she is a very headstrong, intelligent person and can back herself with facts, but she can also accept the ideas of others

I am proud beyond words


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Which one is the real me?

Just to warn you, this is about my weight ...

I see my reflection all through the day. I see myself in the mirrors, I see myself reflected in shop windows when I walk my daughter to school, I see myself in photos and I see myself in my mind, and I have no idea which one is the real me.

I've gone from the hundreds, to the nineties, through the eighties and now I'm in the seventies with a total of 22kgs gone. And I know that that is a great achievement! I honestly do. But everywhere I see myself....I look different and it's contributing to a bit of a downer this week.

Because I don't know what I look like

I just want to know who I am physically

The person I see in the bathroom mirror is tanned, with a thin-ish face, great eyes and lips and looks serene

The person I see in my wardrobe door mirror is curvy and saggy, with a jubbly tummy and stretch marky, but she looks good and I like seeing her :)

The person I see in windows.. wow is she me? she looks great! In proportion, happy. I do double takes when I see her (because I don't see her as me)

The person I see in photos is round, chubby faced, big thighs. I don't like her

The person I see in my mind is a lot bigger than photo me. I can't lose her. I want to, but she wont go, she wont lose weight, she is the big girl that wont leave me.

I have put so much of my life into pursuing my dream of being thin, that in the last few months I have turned my OCD(T) from making items 'perfect', into making myself my idea of my perfect. My idea of my perfect, involves stretch marks, scars, saggy boobs and womanly curves, I am not delusional enough to think that I could ever have a super model body, because how many woman actually have one and I really don't want or need one.

So now I exercise, and I exercise maybe a lot?
I exercise for maybe 4 hours a day, walking, swimming and run/jog/walking

I don't have an eating disorder
But I do fear food

Not healthy food.. I fear junk food. It's Boo's birthday on Friday, my gorgeous girl is 15 and because we don't have junk food anymore, she wants a hamburger, chips and scollops for her birthday dinner. I have been worried about this because I know how my body reacts with bad food. It was nothing for me to gain 2-3kgs a week on one junk food session! Yes it's true, very very true.
I'll have to find a happy place in my mind and remember why I am eating it, and I will eat it because it's her birthday and I wont upset her. I think she's worried enough about me.

I think part of it is that if I get one taste of that beautiful hamburger and the old fashioned chips.. I'll go back to eating it regularly, that I'll "fall off the wagon"

My friend Nathan said I am a hostage to my scales.
He said it perfectly
I weigh myself daily...and I write that down on my calender, and please don't say I should weigh myself weekly, because with the massive weight gains I've had, in short amounts of time, I need to know daily how I'm going, so I can make changes if needed.

I'm even making excuses for my clothes!
If my top is baggy I tell myself that it's because it was stretched in the wash
My jeans are baggy because they need a wash to shrink them or they were stretched in the wash/on the line etc

Am I crazy?
Is this a bad thing?
is it an obsession?
have I transferred my fears into this because it's something I can control?
am I using this to avoid other things?
should I go back to Prince William?

Or am I just normal and something clicked and I've finally got the hang of this weight loss health thing?

Friday, January 23, 2009

Where should it go? Opinions please :)

I am removing things from my house that The Abuser gave me, they've been hidden away for months, and because we are having a MASSIVE clean out, I am taking everything from him to the RSPCA op shop, but I have a big beautiful framed photo of Merewether Baths (where I swim almost daily) from Wide Horizons. I don't want to take it to the op shop and I don't want to sell it because I don't want to profit from anything that that person gave to me.

I was thinking of donating it somewhere...because it is a beautiful photo and I'd like it going somewhere that would make a lot of people as calm as it makes me.. until I remember who gave it to me.

Where would be a good place?

I was thinking about Ronald McDonald house, or the Gynaecology ward at the John Hunter because they took such good care of me when my ovary was almost exploding.

So.... any thoughts on other places I could donate it?

Have a nice Aussie Day long weekend :)