Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Spring cleaning in Autumn

I had another Epiphany. They're great, when I have one I feel like my life has new clarity and I can see things getting better. Yay for me
I realised that old simple saying "life is too short"
So I decided to spring clean my life a little earlier than spring. I am getting rid of the people in my life who bring me down, who make false promises and who make me question everything about myself. Guess what? you people suck and need to find something better to do with your lives.
To my ex-husband R, You haven't seen or contacted your daughters in 6 years even though you know exactly where they are, you think that $21 child support a month is enough. You are so lucky being able to have a cash in hand job, your dream was to make surfboards, and I am glad you are living your dream, it just shits me that you can cheat the tax department and the child support agency, most of all it shits me that you can cheat your daughters out of a father. For a special ed qualified teacher, you really don't care about children too much.
To my ex-boy Ad, you're an alcoholic, don't call me and cry about how it was only one drink, that you wont do it again, guess what I don't care, I'm sick of caring about how you fuck your life up....The surfboard is going on ebay for $1 :) ahh see I feel better already.
To Voldemort.. hey guess what dickhead, you have a girlfriend, you love her remember?, you conveniently forgot about her for a few weeks, if you don't want me to tell her about what you tried to do, then quit contacting me, there's a reason I don't answer your messages or phone calls, you're a dick of the worst kind
I wish I wasn't so fucking needy!!! I wish I was happy spending a lot of time on my own, but I crave having someone hold me and make me feel like I'm beautiful and special. I am worried i am going to jump straight into another relationship to get over the last one and that wouldn't be fair on the poor bastard that comes next.
I need to find peace within myself. I have had too many people in my life not give a damn about my feelings, I care about people too much, and now it's time for me to start caring about myself, I've said it so many times, but this time I need to do it. I never thought I would be in my thirties and single, I thought I would have the husband the 2 kids (got those and they're amazing) the house and the picket fence. I've held myself back from all the happiness that I deserve. I've believed too many people, put my faith in them and blamed myself for being so stupid. I am gullible, I know that. Maybe I thought I would be a better person by having someone love me. It's human nature to love and want to be loved.
Even though there have been people in my life, a lot of the time I've felt really alone.
I guess I am scared of being alone, I don't want to die alone, and I don't want to live a life without being with my true love and I don't want to be the crazy lady with 60 cats that the kid's tell scary stories about and dare each other to come and knock on the door and then run away screaming before I throw a cat at them.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

First ever fat taunt!

I've never had one before, that I've known about anyway.
Even when I weighed 101kgs, I never heard anyone make fun of me, today a kid decided it was time.
I went to my youngest daughter's school for her Easter Hat Parade, as I was walking down the stairs at the school, I saw her and she yelled at some boy.....When I asked her what happened, she said the typical kid thing "nothing" I pushed because she looked so cranky and hurt.
"A tell me what happened"
"Jordan made a fat joke"
My heart sunk, I knew it must have been about me
"What did he say?"
"Mum no"
"A...tell me"
"He went like this (she puffed up her cheeks and used her arms to make the shape of a fat person and started waddle walking... and said) I'm A's mum give me some chocolate"
Wow, I was shocked, and hurt.
Today I was feeling good about myself, I'd had a really good swim this morning, pushed myself hard and cut 5 minutes off my 1km time. I was wearing dark denim jeans that I bought in a "Normal" shop and a white top. I thought I looked good :(
I suppose what shits me so much, is the well meaning people who say "You look good" "You're not overweight" blah blah blah when it's so obvious that I AM overweight. I know this kid is only 10, but kids tell the truth.
It totally destroyed every good feeling I had about myself, stupid little shit.
Haven't I had an awesome week!! oh yeah :)

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Buckcherry song 6

Why is that when something goes wrong in your life, pain in other areas are amplified, or maybe the other pains have already been there, you just haven't felt miserable enough to feel them. Happy endorphans make the world a shinier place, so maybe that's why I haven't felt how bad the sharp pain in my arm is until now.
I broke my elbow skateboarding over 12 months ago, I have been in pain ever since, well maybe not the whole time, the last cortisone injection hurt like a bitch but the pain stayed away for a while, and now it's back, shooting pain down my right arm from my elbow to my wrist almost up to my little finger, but most of my hand actually feels quite numb. I'm starting to look forward to the surgery I'm supposed to be having soon that will hopefully fix it.
I wish I wasn't such an emotional person, I never used to be, I think it must have started when I had kids, but then stopped when I got divorced, I was depressed, and that was when I took pleasure in other people's pain, sounds horrible but it made me feel like my life wasn't so bad when someone was hurting worse than me. Websites like Rotten made me feel better, sad but true, if I could laugh at the photos there, it made my world a whole lot brighter, I'm sure there's some kind of psychological study there.
The emotions started again when I let myself fall in love. For four years he and I have been on and off, we lived together, I did everything to make his life easier. We had some really good times, no one makes me laugh like he does, I loved Thursday nights when he would come over and watch Amazing Race, it's the little things that mean everything to me. We had some shocking times too, especially when we were in court every fortnight for many months fighting his ex-wife so he could see his children, it cost us emotionally, physically and finacially, it also played a part in us breaking up, for the past 17 months we've been broken up, but we're still a constant in each others lives. I didn't understand why we still talked every day, saw each other often, and did 'couple things' but there couldn't be a committment. I needed that, I am so sick of not having anyone to share things with, to snuggle with and someone to just make me feel like I'm not alone in this world. I tried to start seeing someone else, I tried to get on with my life, but I wasn't treated so well, and I screwed up. I was made to feel like I had cheated, but how can you cheat on a friend, he has since apologised and I have accepted it, but his reaction still confuses me.
So I did something I've never done before, I gave an ultimatum, I know they're never good, but I can't stay friends, I read something that said that staying friends is masochistic, because you're allowed to see your "friend" but you're not allowed to have anything more than "friendship", and that can be painful.
We did it over and after dinner last night, listening to Buckcherry will never be the same. I'm glad we didn't go to the restaurant that we normally go to, I want to go back there oneday :)
Anyway the night ended in tears from both of us. He said "I love you" I said "You don't, don't say that" I wanted to scream it, but I didn't want the neighbours to hear. How can someone say I love you, but be prepared to let that person go? am I wrong in thinking that 17 months is a long time for a person to make up their mind?
It should be easy for me, there were things that happened that made me feel very low, I know I deserved better, I always hoped that I would get what I want, I suppose I will, just not yet and as hard as it is to admit... probably not from him.
We started as friends and we agreed that we will always be friends, that part of us will never change.

Wednesday, April 5, 2006

I made myself a man

I found a new toy, it doesn't need batteries either! (but it's not as much fun ;)
Virtual model
You can make a virtual model of yourself, it's supposedly so you can see what you'll look like in clothes before you buy them online, but I made a few of them, from my start weight down to my goal weight, going down in lots of 10kgs. I copied them all, front, side and back views so I can print them.
I wanted to see how I'll look as the weight goes down and what I should look like when I'm done. Yes it would be easier to take photos, but I don't have anyone to do that for me at the moment and I don't really want to say to my daughters "come here and take photos of mummy in undies"
The other fun thing you can do with virtual model is you can make a guy, any kind of guy you want I know.. it's awesome isn't it!
How hot is my sexy boy! Ahh my life is so exciting.
So my virtual dummies are my thrill for the moment!
Well that and I passed my visual basic.net assessment so I don't have to do the fucker again.

Swimming has paid off!
Cos I found $2 at the bottom of the pool! yay for me!!

I am still loving swimming lots of laps. I bought some goggles because my eyes were aching, now I just need a swim cap, I have too much hair. Long, gorgeous, wavy, soft, blonde hair. If hairdressers consider below the shoulders to be long hair... then what do they think my waist length hair is???