Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Buckcherry song 6

Why is that when something goes wrong in your life, pain in other areas are amplified, or maybe the other pains have already been there, you just haven't felt miserable enough to feel them. Happy endorphans make the world a shinier place, so maybe that's why I haven't felt how bad the sharp pain in my arm is until now.
I broke my elbow skateboarding over 12 months ago, I have been in pain ever since, well maybe not the whole time, the last cortisone injection hurt like a bitch but the pain stayed away for a while, and now it's back, shooting pain down my right arm from my elbow to my wrist almost up to my little finger, but most of my hand actually feels quite numb. I'm starting to look forward to the surgery I'm supposed to be having soon that will hopefully fix it.
I wish I wasn't such an emotional person, I never used to be, I think it must have started when I had kids, but then stopped when I got divorced, I was depressed, and that was when I took pleasure in other people's pain, sounds horrible but it made me feel like my life wasn't so bad when someone was hurting worse than me. Websites like Rotten made me feel better, sad but true, if I could laugh at the photos there, it made my world a whole lot brighter, I'm sure there's some kind of psychological study there.
The emotions started again when I let myself fall in love. For four years he and I have been on and off, we lived together, I did everything to make his life easier. We had some really good times, no one makes me laugh like he does, I loved Thursday nights when he would come over and watch Amazing Race, it's the little things that mean everything to me. We had some shocking times too, especially when we were in court every fortnight for many months fighting his ex-wife so he could see his children, it cost us emotionally, physically and finacially, it also played a part in us breaking up, for the past 17 months we've been broken up, but we're still a constant in each others lives. I didn't understand why we still talked every day, saw each other often, and did 'couple things' but there couldn't be a committment. I needed that, I am so sick of not having anyone to share things with, to snuggle with and someone to just make me feel like I'm not alone in this world. I tried to start seeing someone else, I tried to get on with my life, but I wasn't treated so well, and I screwed up. I was made to feel like I had cheated, but how can you cheat on a friend, he has since apologised and I have accepted it, but his reaction still confuses me.
So I did something I've never done before, I gave an ultimatum, I know they're never good, but I can't stay friends, I read something that said that staying friends is masochistic, because you're allowed to see your "friend" but you're not allowed to have anything more than "friendship", and that can be painful.
We did it over and after dinner last night, listening to Buckcherry will never be the same. I'm glad we didn't go to the restaurant that we normally go to, I want to go back there oneday :)
Anyway the night ended in tears from both of us. He said "I love you" I said "You don't, don't say that" I wanted to scream it, but I didn't want the neighbours to hear. How can someone say I love you, but be prepared to let that person go? am I wrong in thinking that 17 months is a long time for a person to make up their mind?
It should be easy for me, there were things that happened that made me feel very low, I know I deserved better, I always hoped that I would get what I want, I suppose I will, just not yet and as hard as it is to admit... probably not from him.
We started as friends and we agreed that we will always be friends, that part of us will never change.


Steph said...

Oh sweetheart, i really feel for you. The whole "friendship" thing is so hard when there are other emotions involved. I wish i had some advice. I got nothin'. I will offer this ((cyber hug)) and hope you feel better soon.xx

Tania said...

Thanks Steph :)

T666 said...

i cant realy give advice on relationships... i think doneld trump wood just say UR FIRED. only hire a person who rite 4 da job. i think same thing could work for relationship. nufin more valuable than that, so comunicate wot u want and if u dont get it. FIRE EM.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you should send him the link so he can read it. If the night ended in tears 4 both of you, perhaps ur both hurting over this. 4 years is a long time especially with everything you say you went thru 2gether.

Tania said...

There's no need for me to send the link, he knows exactly how I feel. I just need to get over it, but thanks :)