Monday, September 29, 2008

I'm special and I've got a parking thingo to prove it

I saw the teddy bear today, he said that I can quit taking the lyrica because it's doing diddly squat to ease the pain.
He discussed my options to stop the nerve being irritated and the pain in the elbow and wrist. They are.. transposing the nerve, which means lifting up the nerve at the elbow and moving it to the front of my arm where there will be less movement or transposing the nerve AND building up the something or other... I think he said cartilage...on the radial head because the 1mm that is missing is causing all sorts of problems at my elbow and wrist. The pain is driving me nuts!! "neuropathic pain" he gave me scripts for more pain relief and signed the forms for a parking permit which will come in handy when I'm in pain and need go to the shop and the girls aren't with me to carry stuff.
What it comes down to is more surgery, but hopefully my arm will be ok afterwards.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Ode to op shops, garage sales, and cheap shit

Garage Sales and Op Shops

Oh garage sales and ops shops
You are my dirty pleasure
Every week I drive around
To find a beautiful treasure
This week it was lead crystal
A garnet ring, copper cauldrons,
and a mortar and pestle

Oh garage sales and op shops
You have a lot of booty
Why are you only run by old women
and not some sexy cutie?

Oh garage sales and op shops
sometimes you surely do smell
The festy clothes, the disgusting shoes
How the hell do they ever sell?

Oh garage sales and op shops
Guaranteed I will find something crappy
I can walk all day and find nothing
but it always makes me happy

Oh garage sales and op shops
You are my secret desire
I travel near and far
Excited about what I shall acquire
A candelabra? a grotty pot, A vintage dress?
but whatever I find, I know one thing
It wont be bloody silver glomesh!

by me :)

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Lalalala Happy tree friends

I am off my treeeeeee

I was trying to do an assignment for Tafe, due tomorrow, arm was aching in my elbow and wrist, which was making typing very difficult, so I took some endone. Lyrica supposedly makes endone less effective, so I took two endone... and now I am in slightly less pain and totally unable to concentrate enough to finish the assignment and I have just devoured a massive bag of nacho cheese doritos hahahaha

How the hell am I supposed to get a finish my course, get a job and be normal with this freakin pain, is there a job that requires I sit an the lounge all day?

Atleast I'm happy, life is good :)

Happy Thursday!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

In Gratitude for the Goddesses on Earth

I am in so much pain with my arm, I really needed my special parking pass today when I did grocery shopping, but wont be seeing my teddy bear specialist til next Monday. So it's pain killers and rest today.. shouldn't be typing too much either.

I just want to write something quickly about how the advice and support from the women that I have become friends with, has been invaluable.

I am going to take from Lisa and start a Gratitude list
Hope that's ok with you Lisa ? :)

These important pieces of wisdom have lifted my spirits. I want people to read what Anchell, Helen, Renata and Lisa have written, I didn't just want to comment their comments. I spent the day thinking about what they have said. Wonderful, beautiful, wise women. You and all the others who have supported me and left me comments and emails are my Goddesses on Earth, I am grateful for you all, because of you I see my strength, I understand how to cope and survive and how to smile, the drama that V has created is not my problem. I am stronger than he will ever be.
(Oops, I should also mention that I am also grateful my my God on Earth, Prince William, who called me this morning and we had a little chat)

"Its all bullshit anyway so what can he do?

"you have taken his comtrol away from him so this is the only way he knows to try and get it back...keep strong we're all here for you lol"

"As usual the Goddess always chooses to test us when we feel that we have become strong.You have grown, yes you have, and know the Goddes is saying..."show me how much!".....Dont let this drive you back...let it be an opportunity for you to find a way round this....w.w."

"Overall- view yourself as a huge , strong fortress in the middle of the ocean, in the middle of the worst storm in recorded history.
The waves crash, the thunder, lightening and hail rain down, but the tower stands strong- nothing can even dent it.
make yourself this tower-absolutly rooted to the spot- Ex is but a bit of hail and V is a bit of lightening.
They cant hurt you, you are too strong."

Thank you

I am WOMAN hear me roar!

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

Helen Reddy and Ray Burton

What is my fear? What am I afraid of?

I am very afraid, I am trying to pinpoint what is making me sick to my stomach right now. It's 1:10am and I have been worrying since I received a phone call at 12:10am. Phone call was from ex V, I let it go to voice mail, and it was to let me know that my ex-husband had phoned him and he had gotten off the phone "an hour ago" I am assuming he said that to insinuate that it was a long phone call. He didn't say what the call was about, just that I should start letting my ex-husband know how the girls are.

????? WTF?????

Ok, my ex-husband called ex V.. so does that mean ex-husband believes what was in the email? the email that made me out to be a liar, an abuser, and mentally unstable.
And how did ex-husband get ex V's phone number? I think that ex V has been sending emails that weren't also sent to me like the evil one on Sunday night.

What is my fear?

1. I think I am scared the my ex-husband is going to try something regarding the girls, try and have them leave me. Ex-husband's wife has made certain that her ex doesn't have anything to do with her son, so they are very aware of how to manipulate to get what they want.

Is my fear warranted?

Yesterday I would have said no, but now knowing that my ex-husband has phoned ex V, I think I should be worried that something is going to happen.

2. I am worried that this isn't going to end. I contacted the police again tonight and asked them if I had worded my email to ex V correctly.

On Sunday September 21st 2008, I requested that you make no further contact with me, my children, my family and friends, and since that request you have written three emails and made one phone call.

Please be advised that if you make any further contact of any form for any reason, including a reply to this email, I will be going to the police to request an Apprehended Violence Order (AVO)

This is apparently perfectly worded and enough warning. But I am thinking I might go to the Chamber Magistrate and try to do something now.

Is my fear warranted?

I think sending this email will be enough to make him stop all contact.
If not, then I get an AVO and I will be able to get letters from Prince William and my Doc if needed.

If he and my ex want to become best friends then so be it, I hope they'll be very happy together. If ex-husband tries to take the girls because of false information from ex-V, then he wont get far.

I feel better mentally, physically I feel ill
How do I sleep now? I was soundly asleep before ex V called
There's nothing but crap on tv!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Exhausted, Sickened, Puffy, but so very very Strong

from post secret

Well.. I feel better than last night
He didn't use the photos or video, and part of me wished he did. But what he did do, was vomit out an email that he sent to my ex husband and to me.

Some background regarding my ex-husband, he doesn't see the girls, he doesn't contact them, doesn't acknowledge them. I have tried over the years to make contact so the girls could have a relationship with him, but he calls maybe twice and then never calls again, I am not involved with the calls, I don't speak to him, the phone was immediately passed to the girls, because it wasn't about me, it was for their benefit, because he is their father. My ex husband has a wife who told him that she 'hates' the girls and doesn't want to be around them because they remind her of me, my ex told me this many years ago. For B's birthday this year, ex V asked me what he should get her, I said maybe he could email ex husband and ask him to phone B for her birthday, he did that and ex husband did actually call.

Ex V wrote the most hurtful, disgusting email I could imagine. He used truths, half truths and lies (as my sister said) and put them into an email designed to do nothing but make me look like the worst kind of person imaginable and to hurt me, and he succeeded for a few hours.
I was an absolute mess when I first read through some of it, as Lisa can attest to, she was someone I called because I knew that just the natural calmness in her voice would be beneficial. I still haven't read through the whole email, I don't want to and I don't need to.

The small part I did read through used words such as "
you told me that. remember"
I am assuming that he used words like that to make it look as though everything he said is the truth.
The truths that he did use were some things that I held close and shared with him because I loved him very much, but he put them into an evil email and padded them out with disgusting lies.

A few things about what he did made me very fearful.

1. He took important things and twisted them in such a vile way and told them to someone else.
2. He has written things that could possibly make me seem a terrible mother and my ex could use these things against me if he chose to.

3. My ex husband's wife has always ALWAYS despised me, she has accused me of things that I haven't done and really couldn't be bothered doing, she wasn't that important to me that I would take time out to do anything to her. She would get pleasure from this email, at my expense.
4. I was absolutely blown away, scared, disgusted, sickened that anyone ANYONE could have such a cruel part of themselves that would make them think that this was ok.

Today is a new day

Yesterday when I was going through my bedroom I put up my dream catcher that I bought at a Native American reservation and when I woke up this morning my bed was almost perfectly made, I slept so soundly and I do not remember my dreams.

I am calmer

While I was in the shower, my beautiful daughter A read the first email that ex V sent (I had them printed and sorted in a plastic folder to take to the police station) and she looked a bit miserable, she called ex V some names and asked me why I was happy today, I told her that if I spent the morning miserable then that is how I would spend my day and isn't it better to have a happy day, that made her smile.

Walking A to school I found a $10 note in the gutter

I called my mum to tell her what was happening and that there were certain kinds of photos, I am able to be quite honest with my parents and for that I am grateful. I said to my mother "what did I do to deserve to be treated like this for so long?" and straight away I answered my own question, I believe that this is a small dark dead end alley on my path, I was given this because I needed it to move on and find my strength, so I am ok.

There were tears and laughs at Rose Cottage, and I am eternally grateful for the ladies there and their wisdom, jokes and other perspectives.

I did go to the police, it was extremely humiliating to have them read the email, but they said they can't do anything because there are no threats in the emails, I was advised to write an email stating that if there is any further contact of any form I will get an AVO.

I know I am stronger for having gone through the physical, emotional and mental abuse that this man has put me through. I now like myself and I am honestly happy to be me. I have aged physically way too much, but I have also aged spiritually and mentally, I'm still not a bloody crone though lol

Sunday, September 21, 2008

he did it

I have never known anyone so cruel
he made good on his threat, it had nothing to do with photos
I feel sick, but I can get through this

Oh no no no.. what did I do

I have seriously messed up.
I was staying away from the ex boyfriend, going to counselling, moving on, gaining strength, understanding my triggers and the way he 'grooms' me and last week when my medication was doubled and I was lonely (yes I am going to use that as an excuse because I'd been brilliant for a few months) I got a message from ex b asking me to meet him for coffee, so I said ok then. When it came down to it, I didn't go. I stopped replying to messages again, didn't answer the 300 phone calls, except one (I'm so stupid) and today I get an email that is just pure evil....The subject is "I know you now" And this is some of it..

thanx for waking me up to the person that you are.

you don't email me. you deleted me from msn. you don't message. you don't call. you're not interested in counselling together. you couldn't be bothered to meet me the other day for coffee.
I called you on friday night several times, messaged you with no reply. i called on saturday, messaged you. your excuse was that you left your phone at home. it obviously wasn't important enough for you to keep your phone with you incase i messaged or called over the weekend.
you just deal with your own pain and fuck everybody else.

no you're not missing me at all because you are too wrapped up in yourself. I hope that works for you.
you lied about loving me. i see that now. you just wanted me as someone else that you could blame, because that works for you.

I thought i'd keep in contact because i love you and i didn't want things to be left like this. i thought we were both better than this. now i know that you're not. I was stupid for thinking that you cared. I hope you can get yourself sorted out at counselling. I hope you can be a better person.

There's more about me supposedly berating his children. He said I lied about his daughter saying that she didn't like being with him because of his anger, which the poor girl did say, and he goes on to say that I will start saying nasty stuff about his youngest son who I really cared about...

Anyway, I was furious when I read it and I didn't stop and breath and think, I just called him and my first words were "How dare you"
He swore at me and put me down, I kept my cool and was strong with my words, until he said "Do you want everyone to know about you?" I didn't understand what he meant, and then he said "The truth will come out about you" I said "What? are you threatening me?" and he said it again "The truth will come out about you" and again I asked if he was threatening me and he said "Yes" well my blood ran cold, all I can think of is that he has certain photos of me and a video :( I am disgusted with myself for getting into this situation, if I didn't do things he wanted I was berated, it was just easier to do it.

This is a man who made posters of his ex (who he has 3 children with) and stuck them to poles and I think he put them in letter boxes near where she lives, granted he did it because of the state of the house where his kids were, and the posters didn't have her face, but this to me means he's capable of anything.

There are so many "what ifs" I just have to suck it up and have faith that now that my path is going in a positive direction, if anything happens I have the strength to hold my head high and deal with it with dignity... I just wish I was thin in the photos and video (trying to find a lighter side)

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Yesterday = basketcase

Is it worse to dwell on one thing or move on from it and make room in your head for all the other things that you've hidden deep inside?

Normally when I see Prince William, we discuss what happened in the last relationship but because I am moving forward and feeling happy about being me, there is more room for other things to surface, yesterday I blurted out all sorts of stuff, my fears for my daughters, my happy father's day meeting Roxy, my love of Rose Cottage and the people there, my family history and laughing about my father's Uncle Emile who smashed a chair on the priest's desk (I have to write about what I learned on the weekend, it's really interesting) but then I talked about what my ex-husband did to me. Talking about past abuses apparently is a good thing. I had hidden that so very very deep within me that when it came out, it came out in a big way and it stayed with me all day, it's still with me now. I called mum and cried and cried and I told her what happened, do I feel better or worse for actually sharing it with someone who I haven't paid.
I haven't cried this much in weeks.

I am lonely, I know that. But I am not lonely for a man, I am well aware that at this time in my life I don't want one or need one. When all I can think about a relationship is that they will yell at me and call me names, or break my things or break me, then obviously relationships are a no no.
So yesterday when I said I was really lonely, what I meant was that I am lonely for a friend that will hug me and let me cry if I need to, without judgement, someone to have coffee with, go to movies, whatever... just a friend. I don't know how to make close friendships, my only close female friend lives in Nelson Bay. I need to go for a walk on the beach

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Blah *sigh* hmm...*deflate*

It's Wednesday and I feel deflated, life has been sucked out.
Monday I had another appt with Teddy Bear specialist for my arm. It was 2 weeks after I'd started the Lyrica and it hadn't made any changes, my arm has been kinda bad, stiff, sore, it feels dead, my wrist has been oh so painful too, last scan showed fluid, but no cysts which is good.
So anyway.. the lyrica dose has been doubled. Now I lose my balance, I use the wall to get to my bedroom at night, I slur my words and instead of laughing at me, Bianca seems to be quite worried. If there wasn't a light at the end of the tunnel for this drug, I would quit it now, I can't stand what it is doing to me. Only 4 more weeks to go to see if this stupid pill works on my nerve.

Teddy bear said that I should get a mobility parking permit because carrying things for even a few minutes is quite difficult. I'm in two minds about it, one it will be fantastic when I need it, especially at Christmas. I wont abuse it, if there's a normal park close, then I'll leave the disabled parking for someone else, a
nd two.. I feel that getting the parking permit will make me feel defeated. Sometimes when I am laughing and looking happy, I am in absolute agony, If someone makes a smart arse comment when they see me get out of the car with no obvious problem, then I can see myself telling them to go fuck themselves, but I'll say it with a smile :)

I missed Tafe AGAIN yesterday, I hate missing it, but these stupid pills have to be taken twice a day. My teachers are understanding, and the nice lady with the physical disabilities unit is very helpful.

This morning I had my therapy appointment with Prince William. I really didn't think I needed to go because I've been so happy lately and I am moving forward and the money could go on a bill, but I went, and well lordy didn't I cry. I talked about the dog we found, Roxy, I came to the conclusion that Roxy came into my life because I needed affection, I found it easy to cuddle her because I miss having someone who isn't family, to hug, I miss affection, I miss cuddling, I miss someone holding me, I'm crying :(
I told him something that I'd never told anyone about something my ex-husband did to me and the floodgates opened, I wanted to roll up into the fetal position and cry until I passed out, but Prince William is just so good at helping me get through things. Because I am moving on from the last relationship which I used to dwell on, there is now more room for me to think about things from the past, not to dwell on them but to work on them and let them go. Prince says I am doing a lot better, he has extended my appointments out to 3 weeks.

I feel so drained... I tried going op shopping, didn't find anything, still can't find any silver glomesh :(

If it wasn't for my beautiful Arella, I'd probably be crying all day. I can't wait for my girls to get home, don't feel like not having someone to talk to, Arella doesn't answer me, but she does dribble occasionally, god I'm lonely... really really lonely :(

Sunday, September 14, 2008

I have new toys :)

My birthday week is coming to an end and I have new toys!

This is toy number one
A beautiful piece of selenite, as soon as I saw it I had to have it, it's my kind of perfect.

Toy number two
A lovely mermaid dish that I bought at The Rocks, she has a little chip on her tail (which you have to search for) so she was reduced to $5.

Toy number three
I found this at an op shop, it was $3 and I had to have it. It's marked 'ITALY' and I think it's unusual. The stand has 3 dragons on it. I think it's brass, but has been embossed.
I took it to my mum and dad's yesterday to see if they knew what it was, dad straight away said tea strainer lol That never occurred to me! We decided that it belonged to Italian royalty, a king named Luigi owned it.. we were drinking.. not tea :)

Toy Four
It's the bestest.. I spoiled myself
The last time I saw my hairdresser Liza, she straightened my hair with a ghd, I'd attempted to do it a few times with our straightener but it hadn't turned out so great, so I was a bit apprehensive, but when it was done I was almost in tears, I'd had an emotional day and when I saw myself I felt unbelievable, I actually felt good about the way I look and I hadn't felt like that in a long time. So for my birthday I splurged big time and bought myself a ghd straightener. I wanted to keep feeling good about my appearance so $250 is a small price to pay to feel good. Not that I don't feel good about my farrah fawcet hair, but having a change as good as Liza and the ghd gave me is wonderful. I am happy to say that we can recreate the amazing hair at home without Liza lol and I feel just as good when I look in the mirror :)

My new baby

From Farrah to um
mm... this

Our family birthdays are usually finished off with a BBQ at mum and dad's place. They're not the steak and sausage kind of BBQs, they're always something gourmet fancy and we love it :)
I got my gifts from my sister and her family (who live in Vienna) and my parents yesterday.

A gorgeous necklace from my sis, the starfish are full of swarovski crystals

And from my parents..the funkiest BBQ! It's perfect for our balcony.

I had a wonderful birthday, a birthday without tears of sadness, with lots of happy birthday wishes, and a day spent with my family (my daddy was working but there were phonecalls etc) who I love dearly... Every birthday will be this good :)

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Sept 11th

I find it difficult to express myself about things that have happened that have had an effect on people and the world.
September 11th 2001 had a massive ripple
effect all throughout the world. The tragedy that happened that day will never leave me or anyone else I know. I'll never forget the agony and tears, the pictures from that day... I still can't look at them now.
New York became my second home, I was in love with a man from New York, he would fly me over there every few months. I loved NY, I had no problem going on a carriage ride through Central Park at 2am, it's a great city. The last time we were there was July 2001, we went everywhere that a plane was taken over.
One of my most favourite photos was taken on November 3rd 2000. We were coming back from the Statue of Liberty on the ferry. My camera was always around my neck, we were at the front of the ferry taking in the city, it was very cold and overcast, I was looking at the World Trade Centres and the clouds opened and the sun shone straight onto the
towers lighting them up, I took a photo. It only lasted a moment but it will always stay with me.
The photo hasn't been retouched, this is what it looked like

Less than a year later they were gone.

A way this effected me and my family was, even though I had gone on many international flights, I have a deep fear of flying and this made it even worse. Mr NY and I were supposed to go to Ireland in Nov 2001, we were planning on getting engaged while we were there, I'd chosen my ring and we were excited about the trip, scared but excited. After Sept 11th, I couldn't fly anymore the thought of it had me petrified. So we didn't go to Ireland and we didn't get engaged.
I know this might sound petty... but that's not how I mean this to come across, I just wrote about it because it was something that had an impact on my life in more ways than one even though I am thousands of miles away... I could be married right now, I might have had another baby, I could've possibly been living in NY.
But I didn't lose anyone, I didn't know any of the over 3000 people who were murdered that day... my thoughts are with the families and the people who lived through the nightmare

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

9-9 Today is my Re-Birthday! Hip Hip Hooray! Update

I had an amazing day!
I forgot what it was like to have a truly happy birthday, t
oday I realised what that was like and it was perfect!

My girls and I went to Sydney, my mum was already down there to get some super spectacular coffee (can't get it in Newy) for their amazing coffee ma
chine, so we met at the Lowenbrau Kellar at The Rocks at 11.30.

my head is aching... will finish this tomorrow

toodle pip

Continuing on....

Lunch at the German restaurant was really lovely, it bought back a lot of childhood memories, I grew up on this kind of food. I was over flowing with happiness, I wi
sh my dad could have been there but he had to work.
Mum and I had the big Stein of beer and the I got the girls Lowenbrau non alcoholic beer, I love that they were poured into proper beer glasses and not soft drink glasses.

Bianca's first sip

You light weight! where are those German genes girl?!
Eins! Zwei! G'Suffa!

The girls had Schnitzel and both said it was the best Schnitzel they ever had apart from the one I make :)

mum had
Jägerpfanne mit Spätzle
Medallions of Veal Topped with Ham, Cheese and
Mushroom Sauce

I had
Löwenbräu's Selection of Bavarian Specialities –
Sausages, Chicken Schnitzel, Roast Pork Belly Served
with Mashed Potato and Sauerkraut

Oh what a lunch! 3 different kinds of sausages including a REAL frankfurt, and lieberkase which I absolutely love. I asked if I could have half red cabbage and half sauerkraut, because I love both of them. The whole meal was delicious!

It started us talking about the "olden days" and how my Opa hid my Oma in a barn to hide her from soldiers during WW2 and mum told me that they still have my great great grandparent's wedding rings, which my great great grandfather made out of silver while in Serbia. I need to get all of this written down. It sounds like I have a really interesting family history and if I don't learn about it soon I could lose part of my history that I wont be able to get back.

Another interesting thing..we were discussing all the 9's in my life and mum told me that I was 7 pound 2 ounces! There's another 9 that I didn't know about.

Best Birthday lunch ever!
And the server told me that because it was my birthday, I got my meal free!!

One of the most surprising things about the day was all of the birthday messages! I haven't experienced anything like it since I left school. I was getting messages all day, from old boyfriends (good and bad boyfriends) my ex father in-law (which is special that he still thinks to send me a card) my best friend Kylie, a lot of old and new friends, my hairdresser... it was just so nice. I am obviously projecting so much positive energy into the universe which is coming back and that makes me even happier, pretty soon I'll be sickly happy lol

There was no need for dinner..
My birthday cake was a choclate swiss roll that Allira made which had berries and fresh cream all rolled up inside and lots of whipped cream and strawberries on the outside, it was beautiful!!

I am blessed, I am happy, I am at peace with who I am
Happy re-Birthday to me

Monday, September 8, 2008

It's my b-b-b-birthday.... tomorrow :)

Happy birthday eve to me!

Prince William told me to make my birthday this year my "rebirthday".

It's a new year, it's the first birthday in many many years that there hasn't been a boyfriend to upset me and make me cry on what is supposed to be my day, because golly gee it would be terrible for the attention to actually be on me for 24 hours. So this year my birthday is about my happiness and the only person I have to rely on for a good day is me (and please every god/dess available... make my girls not argue tomorrow *cross fingers* *squeeze eyes* *saying please a bazillion times*)

I'm excited about my day!

Beautiful Dog Update

Her name is Roxy and she comes from "The Hill"
We took her to the RSPCA this morning and we waited while they checked to see if she was microchipped and luckily she is microchipped, desexed and registered. They tried contacting her owners but weren't able to speak to them yet.
We're so happy that she has a home, and crossing our fingers that she wasn't dumped :)
Makes me angry that she didn't have a collar on though!!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Happy Father's Day to me and a Stray dog

Yes happy father's day to me, my kids don't have a father, not even one they see every fortnight or school holidays, so I am mum and dad. And every year my kids and I celebrate Father's day for me, I love that they recognise what I do on my own. A drew this in the sand, it says "Happy Father's day Mum" :)

The weather was beautiful so we went for a long long walk. We walked along the beach near where we live and then all along the coast up to Nobby's and down to the foreshore and into the mall. We had lunch at kentucky and on the walk home we saw a dog, trying to lick every crevice of the ground near a building looking for food, she was eating dead moths and anything else that was slightly edible. I had some left over chicken in my bag so I picked the meat off and gave it to her, it didn't even hit the ground, poor thing was starving. She started following us home, I decided she could and I would call the RSPCA. I was absolutely blown away by this dog. When we came to a crossing, I'd tell her to sit and she would, I'd say come and and she'd walk, her facial expressions were beautiful and heart warming. Touching a dog freaks me, I am slowly bringing myself to give Trev more than a couple of tap pats, but with this gorgeous dog... by the end of the day I was hugging her! I wanted to shower her with hugs and pats. My girls were stunned at the affection I was giving this dog, but they were just as affectionate :)

I called RSPCA and they weren't interested because she wasn't injured?! they told me to call the council and gave me a number, the man I spoke to said they'd finished collecting dogs for the day but I could take her to the 'surrender cages' at the RSPCA near where we are. Oh that knocked me, the thought of dumping this beauiful dog in a cage made me feel ill, but it was pretty much my only option because we live in flats. We stopped at coles so I could get her some food, the girls stayed o
utside with her and when I came out A was rubbing the dog's tummy, when the dog saw me she jumped up and came running wagging her tail! I LOVE THIS DOG! we went to the park across the road and I opened a tin off food, she inhaled it, she was so hungry, so I opened another one and that was gone just as quickly, she drank so much water, so thirsty... I wonder if anyone is missing her?

She ran around the park with A, both of them having a ball! She was picking up palm fronds and running off with them, jumping, playing, what a beautiful animal!

At home a couple of neighbours came over to see her, everyone had suggestions, but no one wanted to keep her, they all commented on how beautiful she is.

When I opened the car door for her, she jumped in and sat down, she looked adorable! We took her down to the beach, yes I was getting too attached to her but my reasoning was that if I was taking her to the RSPCA, she would go into a cage, if she wasn't microchipped then she'd be put up for adoption and if no one adopts her she'll be put down, so I wanted to make this day full of love and fun. When we got to the beach she walked with us and when her and A hit the sand, her personality came out! what an amazing animal, she became a massive bundle of fun, we laughed and ran all over the beach, she was jumping off the retaining walls and skidding through the sand, it was hillarious. She was playing fetch with the tennis ball and when she punctured it and it was stuck on her teeth, A stuck her hand in the dog's mouth and got the ball out... there was no fear from A and I, very bizarre behaviour from me, normally I'd be in a panic about those teeth.

When the dog was done she
went and sat next to B for a cuddle, it was so sweet, I took photos, I know I'm too attached lol

I really didn't want to take her to the surrender cages, it's going to be a cold night, I wanted her to be comfortable, so on the drive to the RSPCA, I pulled over and asked B to call her friend, her family was happy to have the dog for the night, I wish it was permanently but it isn't. I have to pick her up tomorrow and take her. I hope a miracle happens and they decide they want her.

I had such a ball playing with this dog, I know she was only given to us for a short time, but I wonder why she was even sent to us???

Does anyone want her? she is such an amazing animal, she had me cuddling her! I never thought I would ever hug a dog, but I really don't think that was the reason she came to us

Saturday, September 6, 2008


Frustration? nervous? angry? scared? worried?
who knows
I woke up this morning, too early, it wasn't even 6am, and I feel HORRIBLE! I'm not sure how I feel, or why I feel it, I just feel odd, maybe it's because I took that stupid pill at midnight.

Oh Hey! funny thing happened last night! My acoustic guitar played, on it's own! very bizarre, and funny. Boo and I were in the loungeroom, the guitar was about 6ft away from me, and it strummed, both Boo and I went WTF?! We went to the guitar to check it, I thought a string had snapped, but no the guitar is still perfect. We have a spirit who likes to play guitar, I hope they play more!

It's 7.15, the weather is horrendous, like it usually is around my birthday, my arm is aching, I need a coffee

Thursday, September 4, 2008

What's happening to my brain?!

It's raining and I love it!
The rain is hitting the windows which makes me very happy, nature is cleaning my windows for me, so I don't have to clean them, yay! we live quite high up and can see the ocean, so clean windows are a good thing.

ok the real rant.....
I have been on some kind of medication every day for too many years, I don't enjoy it.. well some of them I enjoy, I like the trippy feeling from the oxycontin and the endone, that's fun, but I've only ever taken them when I've been in pain, weird, I've never been addicted to anything other than bad men, oh and making sure my wardrobe is colour and length co-ordinated and my books are aligned in size order, I also hate things that aren't in some kind of pattern, like in stores where there are products all out of order, one there three there, none in any kind of order.. I like to line them up properly so I can see them looking happy, I know, weird, it's all part of my anxiety issues apparently, no wonder Lisa calls me O.C.T, I prefer to think that my brain is wired in a way where I see things differently.

Ok back to where I started.. pills, medications, pain killers of varying strengths, antidepressants, asthma inhalers and preventers, I'm sick of them!!
In the morning I take a lexapro, I honestly don't know what I would do without it, it has helped me function. I also have to suck on a symbicort turbuhaler because I cough and cough, ever since my surgery when I ended up with breathing issues. Ok so this symbicort thing makes me shake, the first day I took it I thought I was having a panic attack, it was bad, fast heart rate, couldn't stop shaking, crying etc. I rang the pharmacy to find out if it was a side effect and it was, oh joy. But I had tafe that day and I was told that I needed to sit and just ride it out. So I did, and I missed another day of tafe, the shaking didn't stop til about 2 in the afternoon.

So now I have a new pill to take, if you read back over the blog, I've had 2 surgeries for my arm because I broke my elbow skateboarding in Dec 2004 (don't laugh it's been a nightmare) It's been 4 years of pain, 4 years of cortisone injections and endone and oxytcontin. But I'm still in pain. My specialist the Teddy Bear, has now got me trying lyrica. Lyrica is a drug for epilepsy, should act on the nerves. A scan showed my ulnar nerve is twice the size it should be. So this medication should hopefully settle it down, and if in 6 weeks it doesn't, I have another surgery. Teddy Bear gave the lyrica to me and said "Now Tania this medication will make you drowsy for atleast a week or two..ok?" He was looking at me like he really wanted to say "Now Tania this medication will seriously fuck you up for a few weeks" Because that's what it does!!

AFU! All fucked up!
I thought it would be gentle sweet sleepy drowsy, so the first time I took it, I took it in the carpark at tafe because I didn't want to drive incase I was sleepy. It took a little while to hit, but when it did, I was STONED! I was giggling at the ceiling, making jokes with Jay, laughing at EVERYTHING, the teacher asked me why I was smiling so much! When I got home I sat next to B and picked up the phone and the video remote and said "wow the remote looks like the phone" and B said "you're stoned" Later than night I called my mum and cried and cried about how stupid I was feeling, it's funny when it's happening, but when I thought back on the day I was disgusted with myself. I was scared to take it again, and I have to take one in the morning, one at night, so I take the night one right before bed.

The second day was yesterday and it was horrible again, I was giggly and wobbly. I had to call my person at the rehabilitation service because I have to keep her up to date or centrelink gets the shits. So anyway... the phone call was bad, I was stoned, giggly, and talking loudly! Poor Julie, I was blurting out everything.. again I felt stupid.
I mess my words up, I don't put the right words together if I'm saying something in a hurry.
I was losing my balance, I was walking in my loungeroom and I lost my balance, I put my hand on the coffee table so I didn't smash my face, and instead I broke my beautiful Goddess bowl that I made. I was upset. But I am more concerned about the what this drug is doing to my brain. It's really quite scary.
I have to sort my day around this stupid pill, I can't take it if I need to drive so everything has to be done in morning before I take the pill, I have to shower first or I worry that I'll slip, I have to walk slowly and cautiously SO FRUSTRATING!@!! The effects of this pill last for hours, yesterday I took it at 11am and I was still a stoned mess at 5.30pm

I honestly hate all these chemicals going into my body, I feel like a drama queen, I hate telling people about what is going on. I had to email the physical disabilities unit at tafe to let them know what was happening so the teachers could be aware of why I was a bit odd, it's embarassing, I hate feeling 'weird', please only let this continue for a few more days at the most because there's no way I could live my life like this for 6 weeks.

Monday, September 1, 2008

I'm Alive

I started a blog in 2005, it was all about my struggle to lose weight while having the chronic disorder PCOS, but the blog turned into a 'oh poor me, I'm fat, my boyfriend hates me, why can't I be normal' blog, so I stopped writing it last October. I was going to start a whole new fresh blog, but then I decided that all the things that had happened to me are part of me, so I transferred the blog to a new site name, I just deleted some of the posts that were still too raw and that needed to stay firmly in the past. They're still over at my PCOS blog, but they have no place here. My original ones before I met him came over here, so they can still be read :)

I'm different to the person that I was. I have experienced things I never thought I would. My weight went over 100 kilos.. never thought that would happen, I was abused.. never in my wildest dreams did I think that would happen, he cheated and I took him back... ALWAYS told myself that that would be a relationship killer, I've had surgeries.. but I was always so healthy, I lost myself... but I'm back

I changed myself into someone who was weak, I let people who I thought loved me turn me into someone who not only did I not recognise, but people who had known me for years would ask me "where's the strong Tania gone..?"
I stopped being open about who I was and tried to be someone I thought would be accepted and loved. The things that weren't changed by controlling people, I changed. I hid myself and my identity and started being quiet, not speaking up about what I believed in because I was scared of being put down, it was easier.

But recently with the help of some wonderful people, my family, my doctor.. Dr E, my counsellor.. William, Liza the hairdresser who made me open my eyes, and the wonderful people at a wonderful little cottage, have made me understand that I'm a worthwhile person. I still have my faults but I'm working on being better to myself and eventually I will be completely at peace.

Disturbed have a song called "I'm Alive" and the lyrics have always felt so empowering..
I don't know what the inspiration for the song was, but to me the lyrics make me feel strong and never again will I go through what I've lived with for too many years

The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away
There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
To change myself, I'd rather die
Though they will not understand
I will make the greatest sacrifice
You can't predict where the outcome lies
You'll never take me alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive

I'm alive, I'm me, I'm happy, I am a witch and I am beautiful, I wont change for anyone, ever again