Thursday, September 18, 2008

Yesterday = basketcase

Is it worse to dwell on one thing or move on from it and make room in your head for all the other things that you've hidden deep inside?

Normally when I see Prince William, we discuss what happened in the last relationship but because I am moving forward and feeling happy about being me, there is more room for other things to surface, yesterday I blurted out all sorts of stuff, my fears for my daughters, my happy father's day meeting Roxy, my love of Rose Cottage and the people there, my family history and laughing about my father's Uncle Emile who smashed a chair on the priest's desk (I have to write about what I learned on the weekend, it's really interesting) but then I talked about what my ex-husband did to me. Talking about past abuses apparently is a good thing. I had hidden that so very very deep within me that when it came out, it came out in a big way and it stayed with me all day, it's still with me now. I called mum and cried and cried and I told her what happened, do I feel better or worse for actually sharing it with someone who I haven't paid.
I haven't cried this much in weeks.

I am lonely, I know that. But I am not lonely for a man, I am well aware that at this time in my life I don't want one or need one. When all I can think about a relationship is that they will yell at me and call me names, or break my things or break me, then obviously relationships are a no no.
So yesterday when I said I was really lonely, what I meant was that I am lonely for a friend that will hug me and let me cry if I need to, without judgement, someone to have coffee with, go to movies, whatever... just a friend. I don't know how to make close friendships, my only close female friend lives in Nelson Bay. I need to go for a walk on the beach


11 comments:

Jewell said...

i know what you mean re not having a shoulder to cry on, i was very much like that when i first came over here to Oz, but now oh well i have heaps of beautiful, wonderful people to call on, but it did take a lot of work on my part to start with.

my shoulder is there if you need it and i live in Cardiff xxx Helen / Tamra

Myst_72 said...

There are days when I can be surrounded by people - yet still feel alone.
Weird?!

G
xx

Tania said...

Helen thank you :) I appreciate you, thank you, and I will call around for a visit.

Hi G :) Not weird, I've experienced that, you're lovely, thank you for your message :)

The Tall Red Head said...

I had that when I moved to Tassie and didn't know anyone. It takes a bit to settle in really well. I found working at the pub helped me heaps, I walk down the street now and will speak to probably every second person that walks past me.

Hope you start to feel better soon, if not, go to my blog and swear some more. It really helps!

Anonymous said...

I have done some new photos of 9 and 10 down at Merewether...but I am too sick to share my germs with everyone tonight so it will have to wait till next week...I am hoping one of my pics might tickle your fancy...hey when I am better we are doing coffee ok?????w.w.

Anchell said...

The positive side of all this is that once spoken and recognised ,healing occurs. I lived with a man such as yor ex and he nearly broke me too. Now I pity him and feel nothing. I also see my part in it and would never make the same mistake again. I find that comforting, We grow stronger in time, as will you, you already are arent you.

It will never be so painful again you know.

xxxx

Tania said...

You are all so wonderful, I appreciate every single one of you, thank you :)
I would love to do coffee oneday :)
I'm feeling better, I think the ex husband bubble has well and truly exploded and I am moving on seeing it for what it was and dealing with it
Thank you all again :)
xx

Jewell said...

that's great news..love to you xxx

Rylah/Jacqui said...

*hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug* *hug*

Tania said...

You are all so wonderful! I can't fully express how grateful I am for the friendship, the hugs :), coffee 'dates' with all the non practising lesbians lol,and the laughs. I'm not alone anymore x

Melora said...

Yeah here here to all of us non practising lesbians!
Coffee, hugs, ears, tears and friendship. All free and available. Am free almost every Thursday.
Love Heidi