Monday, September 1, 2008

I'm Alive

I started a blog in 2005, it was all about my struggle to lose weight while having the chronic disorder PCOS, but the blog turned into a 'oh poor me, I'm fat, my boyfriend hates me, why can't I be normal' blog, so I stopped writing it last October. I was going to start a whole new fresh blog, but then I decided that all the things that had happened to me are part of me, so I transferred the blog to a new site name, I just deleted some of the posts that were still too raw and that needed to stay firmly in the past. They're still over at my PCOS blog, but they have no place here. My original ones before I met him came over here, so they can still be read :)

I'm different to the person that I was. I have experienced things I never thought I would. My weight went over 100 kilos.. never thought that would happen, I was abused.. never in my wildest dreams did I think that would happen, he cheated and I took him back... ALWAYS told myself that that would be a relationship killer, I've had surgeries.. but I was always so healthy, I lost myself... but I'm back

I changed myself into someone who was weak, I let people who I thought loved me turn me into someone who not only did I not recognise, but people who had known me for years would ask me "where's the strong Tania gone..?"
I stopped being open about who I was and tried to be someone I thought would be accepted and loved. The things that weren't changed by controlling people, I changed. I hid myself and my identity and started being quiet, not speaking up about what I believed in because I was scared of being put down, it was easier.

But recently with the help of some wonderful people, my family, my doctor.. Dr E, my counsellor.. William, Liza the hairdresser who made me open my eyes, and the wonderful people at a wonderful little cottage, have made me understand that I'm a worthwhile person. I still have my faults but I'm working on being better to myself and eventually I will be completely at peace.

Disturbed have a song called "I'm Alive" and the lyrics have always felt so empowering..
I don't know what the inspiration for the song was, but to me the lyrics make me feel strong and never again will I go through what I've lived with for too many years

The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away
There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
To change myself, I'd rather die
Though they will not understand
I will make the greatest sacrifice
You can't predict where the outcome lies
You'll never take me alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive

I'm alive, I'm me, I'm happy, I am a witch and I am beautiful, I wont change for anyone, ever again

No comments: