Monday, September 22, 2008

Exhausted, Sickened, Puffy, but so very very Strong

from post secret

Well.. I feel better than last night
He didn't use the photos or video, and part of me wished he did. But what he did do, was vomit out an email that he sent to my ex husband and to me.

Some background regarding my ex-husband, he doesn't see the girls, he doesn't contact them, doesn't acknowledge them. I have tried over the years to make contact so the girls could have a relationship with him, but he calls maybe twice and then never calls again, I am not involved with the calls, I don't speak to him, the phone was immediately passed to the girls, because it wasn't about me, it was for their benefit, because he is their father. My ex husband has a wife who told him that she 'hates' the girls and doesn't want to be around them because they remind her of me, my ex told me this many years ago. For B's birthday this year, ex V asked me what he should get her, I said maybe he could email ex husband and ask him to phone B for her birthday, he did that and ex husband did actually call.

Ex V wrote the most hurtful, disgusting email I could imagine. He used truths, half truths and lies (as my sister said) and put them into an email designed to do nothing but make me look like the worst kind of person imaginable and to hurt me, and he succeeded for a few hours.
I was an absolute mess when I first read through some of it, as Lisa can attest to, she was someone I called because I knew that just the natural calmness in her voice would be beneficial. I still haven't read through the whole email, I don't want to and I don't need to.

The small part I did read through used words such as "
you told me that. remember"
I am assuming that he used words like that to make it look as though everything he said is the truth.
The truths that he did use were some things that I held close and shared with him because I loved him very much, but he put them into an evil email and padded them out with disgusting lies.

A few things about what he did made me very fearful.

1. He took important things and twisted them in such a vile way and told them to someone else.
2. He has written things that could possibly make me seem a terrible mother and my ex could use these things against me if he chose to.

3. My ex husband's wife has always ALWAYS despised me, she has accused me of things that I haven't done and really couldn't be bothered doing, she wasn't that important to me that I would take time out to do anything to her. She would get pleasure from this email, at my expense.
4. I was absolutely blown away, scared, disgusted, sickened that anyone ANYONE could have such a cruel part of themselves that would make them think that this was ok.

Today is a new day

Yesterday when I was going through my bedroom I put up my dream catcher that I bought at a Native American reservation and when I woke up this morning my bed was almost perfectly made, I slept so soundly and I do not remember my dreams.

I am calmer

While I was in the shower, my beautiful daughter A read the first email that ex V sent (I had them printed and sorted in a plastic folder to take to the police station) and she looked a bit miserable, she called ex V some names and asked me why I was happy today, I told her that if I spent the morning miserable then that is how I would spend my day and isn't it better to have a happy day, that made her smile.

Walking A to school I found a $10 note in the gutter

I called my mum to tell her what was happening and that there were certain kinds of photos, I am able to be quite honest with my parents and for that I am grateful. I said to my mother "what did I do to deserve to be treated like this for so long?" and straight away I answered my own question, I believe that this is a small dark dead end alley on my path, I was given this because I needed it to move on and find my strength, so I am ok.

There were tears and laughs at Rose Cottage, and I am eternally grateful for the ladies there and their wisdom, jokes and other perspectives.

I did go to the police, it was extremely humiliating to have them read the email, but they said they can't do anything because there are no threats in the emails, I was advised to write an email stating that if there is any further contact of any form I will get an AVO.

I know I am stronger for having gone through the physical, emotional and mental abuse that this man has put me through. I now like myself and I am honestly happy to be me. I have aged physically way too much, but I have also aged spiritually and mentally, I'm still not a bloody crone though lol


Jewell said...

i'm glad you went to the thing at a time is the best way to go and remember if you do not care about the not worry what they think of you..we all love they can get stuffed XXXX

Myst_72 said...

Going to the police was a good move - for sure - even if they weren't able to help too much.

I reckon, that at the end of the day these are just words from an unstable person, and the audience they were delivered to will think what they want of you anyway from the sounds of things.

You know that's not you - and the important people in your life know too.

Hope you get some peace from this very soon.


Anchell said...


Good girl

Tania said...

Jewell it's because of something you said, that I feel better about things.. you asked me what my fear was and when I thought about it, my fears were a waste of time because they were really nothing that could effect me. Thank you for helping me :) x

G.. you're so very right, I feel so much stronger, I've surprised myself :)

Anchell.. one day I will meet you and give you a hug, thank you for your support, it really helps me, thank you thank you :)

Lisa said...

always ask yourself, 'what am i afraid of'- that is the most important step, and then act on the answer.

this is all good tania, all good x

Anonymous said...

You know, through out the years, I have never heard you say a good thing about this bloke. And this confirms everything, and makes my blood boil. This guy needs a rightful ass whooping.

If I was there, I might be spending a few nights in jail because of him. But he would be getting nice new shiny set of teeth from the dentist.

Mr. NY

Tania said...

Lisa it's so simple and it makes so much sense and can be used with practically everything, I have nothing to be afraid of :) He can't do anything to me and if he did try something physically, everyone would know who did it :)

Lol my knight in shining armour, repeat after me, "violence is bad" even if it's tempting