Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Blah *sigh* hmm...*deflate*

It's Wednesday and I feel deflated, life has been sucked out.
Monday I had another appt with Teddy Bear specialist for my arm. It was 2 weeks after I'd started the Lyrica and it hadn't made any changes, my arm has been kinda bad, stiff, sore, it feels dead, my wrist has been oh so painful too, last scan showed fluid, but no cysts which is good.
So anyway.. the lyrica dose has been doubled. Now I lose my balance, I use the wall to get to my bedroom at night, I slur my words and instead of laughing at me, Bianca seems to be quite worried. If there wasn't a light at the end of the tunnel for this drug, I would quit it now, I can't stand what it is doing to me. Only 4 more weeks to go to see if this stupid pill works on my nerve.

Teddy bear said that I should get a mobility parking permit because carrying things for even a few minutes is quite difficult. I'm in two minds about it, one it will be fantastic when I need it, especially at Christmas. I wont abuse it, if there's a normal park close, then I'll leave the disabled parking for someone else, a
nd two.. I feel that getting the parking permit will make me feel defeated. Sometimes when I am laughing and looking happy, I am in absolute agony, If someone makes a smart arse comment when they see me get out of the car with no obvious problem, then I can see myself telling them to go fuck themselves, but I'll say it with a smile :)

I missed Tafe AGAIN yesterday, I hate missing it, but these stupid pills have to be taken twice a day. My teachers are understanding, and the nice lady with the physical disabilities unit is very helpful.

This morning I had my therapy appointment with Prince William. I really didn't think I needed to go because I've been so happy lately and I am moving forward and the money could go on a bill, but I went, and well lordy didn't I cry. I talked about the dog we found, Roxy, I came to the conclusion that Roxy came into my life because I needed affection, I found it easy to cuddle her because I miss having someone who isn't family, to hug, I miss affection, I miss cuddling, I miss someone holding me, I'm crying :(
I told him something that I'd never told anyone about something my ex-husband did to me and the floodgates opened, I wanted to roll up into the fetal position and cry until I passed out, but Prince William is just so good at helping me get through things. Because I am moving on from the last relationship which I used to dwell on, there is now more room for me to think about things from the past, not to dwell on them but to work on them and let them go. Prince says I am doing a lot better, he has extended my appointments out to 3 weeks.

I feel so drained... I tried going op shopping, didn't find anything, still can't find any silver glomesh :(

If it wasn't for my beautiful Arella, I'd probably be crying all day. I can't wait for my girls to get home, don't feel like not having someone to talk to, Arella doesn't answer me, but she does dribble occasionally, god I'm lonely... really really lonely :(


Anonymous said...

we all get lonely...we all want love...we all want someone to hug..I love Maximus for the same reasons....he sits on my lap and his head bounces up and down while I write on my lap top but he still sits there...I wonder if they can tell just how much we love them?
Loneliness is a dreadful thing to deal with...all you can do is take life one day at a just never know when things will change...keep the faith Tanya.w.w

The Tall Red Head said...

I know the feeling Tania. I had a nervous breakdown today and wrote a gloomy post because I hadnt heard from my man for 3 days. I hated myself for feeling like I NEEDED him to call me everyday to feel in control. As it is he has rang and is coming around tonight. After being in a crap and one-sided relationship for years, I have realised that I crave affection as well. And I need to get past it. My life will be good, man or no man and I need to accept that. Things will improve, and remember that we are allowed to feel lonely and sad, it is normal. And I hope that the tablets work for you, I can't imagine how hard it must be for you having those side-effects. Stay Strong! xx

Anonymous said...

Things will get better dear. You have a strong head on your shoulder, and the improvements you have shown over the past few months is a complete turn around from you first initial blogs on your old site.

And don't worry about the parking pass. At least your not riding the tart cart, with a hockey helmet on your head :p


Mr. NY