Tuesday, February 24, 2009

ENGAGED!! engaged, engaged, engaged!!!

ME who usually throws up at the thought of getting married again, is actually going to get married again!! and I wasn't sick, I wasn't nervous, just so very very happy.

Glen, aka Mr NY, asked me to marry him yesterday at Le Chateau Frontenac in Quebec Canada.
It had been snowing all day and we'd been walking around old Quebec (which is a walled city, 400 years old) and we had had such a wonderful day, he surprised me and proposed at 2:53pm (I'm a numbers person, I need to know times/dates etc). We celebrated by walking 30 minutes in the dark, in the heavy snow, to a micro brewery, lol yes... we shared 8 beers to celebrate our engagement, and I wouldn't have chosen any other way.

My ring is gorgeous. White gold with a small emerald cut diamond surrounded by 14 little diamonds and there are 7 diamonds set in each side of the band. It's 'art deco' antique style and is completely different to anything I have ever liked. It absolutely perfect!

The Chateau is an amazing hotel and they were so wonderful! We had a 'signature room' with a turret, it was upgraded because Glen told them he was going to propose over the weekend. They sent us some maple fudge which was sooooooo good! and a lovely formal letter congratulating us.

Glen and I have known each other since October 1998, there have been many trips for both of us back and forth from New York to NSW. We have tried being with other people, but no one came close to the way we felt about each other. He is the kind of man who would do anything to make me happy. When we walked on icy pavements in Montreal, he walked behind me in case I slipped so he could attempt to catch me, when the snow was heavy and smacking me in the face, Glen walked in front of me so he could block it from hitting me. He's 6'3 to my 5'2 (and maybe a half) He is kind and considerate, he is a brilliant guitar player, he loves the girls like they were his own. He asked for their permission to ask me to marry him, then he asked my parents and then he jokingly asked my best friend, the bitch said "no refunds cos she's used" lol she's lucky I love her!

I am just so happy!
I had a great time gaining weight in Quebec, how could I not! being a French settled area, the patisseries and the boulangeries were irresistable, I died in baguette heaven this morning!! cheeses, meats, eclairs, hot chocolate, wonderful coffee.... oh I love Quebec!

There will be two weddings, one in New York and one in Newcastle somewhere. It will involve aspects of both of us. I will wear a virginal white traditional dress and silver shoes, but there will be hand fasting, there will be roses, candles and ivy, there will be no "til death do we part" because I believe love goes beyond death, and I will make the cake, it will be perfectly us :)

I would love to put photos up, but it's almost 3am and Glen is asleep and the card reader is in there, I don't sleep very well over here... so photos will be posted eventually!

yay for being super happy :)

I haven't been reading any blogs, this is the first time I have been online in ages, I've been too busy traipsing around New York City (I LOVE NYC.. so good to be back) and various places in Canada, I will read everything eventually :)

Friday, February 13, 2009

My Girls

I just want to say that I love my girls more than any words could ever express.

They are the most beautiful, loving, caring, fun daughters that anyone could ever hope to be blessed with.

I will always love you both and no matter where I am, I have you with me in my heart

I love you


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

True Aussie Heroes

Those who fought to save their families, their pets, and their homes, and those who died trying.
The men and women who fought fires and saved lives.
The medical teams
The veterinary teams
The volunteers
Those who are raising donations
And those who are donating their time and money

Every person involved in the Bushfires, are heroes.

I admire their strength during this horrific time.

It's heartbreaking and not a day goes by that I haven't cried.

My family was stuck in a bush fire when I was 8. We were scared, in awe and very lucky.

There are many ways for people to help, please don't forget the animals

The Red Cross
Wildlife Victoria
Donate to RSPCA Victoria
The Salvation Army

Monday, February 9, 2009

The good news and the good news

Well I've had my big 2009 wake up slap from the universe and we're only a few weeks in!

I questioned myself a lot last week, and one of the reasons which I didn't write about was because during a run last Tuesday night, an invisible being stuck a red hot poker into my chest, left side of my breast. Holy crap it hurt!
I stopped running of course and walked the rest of the way home. The pain went away.. and the googling started, maybe it was from xenical, maybe from pushing myself too hard, maybe anxiety, maybe just maybe.. heart issues. Well crap.

Wednesday... I walked little one to school, the pain came again, duller, but still there with every step I took. Pain moved up my chest and was very uncomfortable, but settled when I rested, I cut my exercising in half that day, wondered if I was doing too much, wondered if I stopped doing what I was doing would my weight balloon again.

Thursday... Tried to get into my doctor, no appts, maybe I should've mentioned chest pain and mental head, but I didn't. Made appt for tuesday 10th. Pain continuous throughout the day, only did the school walks. Starting to really worry about my heart. Napped on the lounge in the afternoon, everytime I moved the pain would come back, and this wasn't little ouchy pains this is 'holy wow wtf is happening' pain.
Bianca's birthday was the next day, had to be well. Made tiramisu for Bianca's birthday 'cake' (what can I say, I make awesome tiramisu and it's better than cake lol) and then drove myself off to John Hunter. Gawd.. 50 people in emergency waiting room... but mention chest pains and you zoom into a bed with 50 death stares behind you. I am so grateful to the the Doctor Bianca and the Nurse Rose who took such good care of me! My daughter's name is Bianca Rose so I thought that my doc and nurse having her name was a good sign :)

Wow test after test after test, ecg, heart monitor, chest xrays, blood tests etc, very thorough. Nurse Rose and I had a bit of a giggle when she told me that my resting heart rate is that of a 'very fit person'!! hahahaha not bad for being about 15kg overweight, I'm glad I lost that 22kgs, I'm very impressed with myself. They gave me nurofen, didn't work, they tried a horrid little cocktail they've christened a 'pink lady' which is xylocane and some other stuff which numbed the bejesus out of my throat, it felt like my airways were closing up. At 5am I said, I can go now right.. and just started getting dressed, I had to be home before Bianca woke up because it was her birthday and that was more important. I was told to take it easy and stop exercising for a few days.

Friday... a whole 2 hours sleep, Bianca's birthday, chest pains, couldn't nap, no idea how I didn't pass out from not sleeping my usual 9 hours. Lots of chewable disprin.
Phone call from the hospital "hello this is the cardiac dept, we need you to come in for a stress test, monday morning 10.30am and no exercising this weekend" oh crap again, right then.
I enjoyed my junk food for Bianca's birthday dinner, cocktail fish, scollops, chips and a couple of bites of Boo's burger and Tiramisu.... ooooooh my goodness yum!!!!

Yes I gained weight, it took all of 60 seconds to get over

Pains Saturday, more disprin, no exercising, relaxed feeding stingrays and sharks, very very relaxing, I loved it, no pains for hours after that. Have a look at the video I took of Bianca feeding the ray, so adorable!

Sunday.. no bad pains :) little twinges when walking for about 15mins on the beach.

Today.. pains walking Allira to school *sigh*

Stress test.. well that's a fun way to spend a morning. Debbie was great, very very impressed with the JHH staff that I have encountered during the last week.
It's all good though cos I finally got some good exercise walking and running 4kms on the treadmill at various gradients for 11 mins ;)

The good news is my heart is great, well I'm still waiting for the cardiologist's phone call to confirm it but I'm sure I'm healthy and they told me that my fitness levels are above average!!

The other good news is that I am awake and I understand that I have been pushing myself too hard.
Muscular Skeletal pains hurt, and I'd rather cut my exercise than continue with this pain.

so no more over doing it :)

Friday, February 6, 2009

where did 15 years go?

My beautiful girl is 15 today

What a joy to come out of a very long labour (thanks JHH)

She is an absolute wonder. A beautiful girl, with a giving, caring nature. I've never seen anyone put more of themselves into the things they find important, she is a very headstrong, intelligent person and can back herself with facts, but she can also accept the ideas of others

I am proud beyond words


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Which one is the real me?

Just to warn you, this is about my weight ...

I see my reflection all through the day. I see myself in the mirrors, I see myself reflected in shop windows when I walk my daughter to school, I see myself in photos and I see myself in my mind, and I have no idea which one is the real me.

I've gone from the hundreds, to the nineties, through the eighties and now I'm in the seventies with a total of 22kgs gone. And I know that that is a great achievement! I honestly do. But everywhere I see myself....I look different and it's contributing to a bit of a downer this week.

Because I don't know what I look like

I just want to know who I am physically

The person I see in the bathroom mirror is tanned, with a thin-ish face, great eyes and lips and looks serene

The person I see in my wardrobe door mirror is curvy and saggy, with a jubbly tummy and stretch marky, but she looks good and I like seeing her :)

The person I see in windows.. wow is she me? she looks great! In proportion, happy. I do double takes when I see her (because I don't see her as me)

The person I see in photos is round, chubby faced, big thighs. I don't like her

The person I see in my mind is a lot bigger than photo me. I can't lose her. I want to, but she wont go, she wont lose weight, she is the big girl that wont leave me.

I have put so much of my life into pursuing my dream of being thin, that in the last few months I have turned my OCD(T) from making items 'perfect', into making myself my idea of my perfect. My idea of my perfect, involves stretch marks, scars, saggy boobs and womanly curves, I am not delusional enough to think that I could ever have a super model body, because how many woman actually have one and I really don't want or need one.

So now I exercise, and I exercise maybe a lot?
I exercise for maybe 4 hours a day, walking, swimming and run/jog/walking

I don't have an eating disorder
But I do fear food

Not healthy food.. I fear junk food. It's Boo's birthday on Friday, my gorgeous girl is 15 and because we don't have junk food anymore, she wants a hamburger, chips and scollops for her birthday dinner. I have been worried about this because I know how my body reacts with bad food. It was nothing for me to gain 2-3kgs a week on one junk food session! Yes it's true, very very true.
I'll have to find a happy place in my mind and remember why I am eating it, and I will eat it because it's her birthday and I wont upset her. I think she's worried enough about me.

I think part of it is that if I get one taste of that beautiful hamburger and the old fashioned chips.. I'll go back to eating it regularly, that I'll "fall off the wagon"

My friend Nathan said I am a hostage to my scales.
He said it perfectly
I weigh myself daily...and I write that down on my calender, and please don't say I should weigh myself weekly, because with the massive weight gains I've had, in short amounts of time, I need to know daily how I'm going, so I can make changes if needed.

I'm even making excuses for my clothes!
If my top is baggy I tell myself that it's because it was stretched in the wash
My jeans are baggy because they need a wash to shrink them or they were stretched in the wash/on the line etc

Am I crazy?
Is this a bad thing?
is it an obsession?
have I transferred my fears into this because it's something I can control?
am I using this to avoid other things?
should I go back to Prince William?

Or am I just normal and something clicked and I've finally got the hang of this weight loss health thing?