Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Which one is the real me?

Just to warn you, this is about my weight ...

I see my reflection all through the day. I see myself in the mirrors, I see myself reflected in shop windows when I walk my daughter to school, I see myself in photos and I see myself in my mind, and I have no idea which one is the real me.

I've gone from the hundreds, to the nineties, through the eighties and now I'm in the seventies with a total of 22kgs gone. And I know that that is a great achievement! I honestly do. But everywhere I see myself....I look different and it's contributing to a bit of a downer this week.

Because I don't know what I look like

I just want to know who I am physically

The person I see in the bathroom mirror is tanned, with a thin-ish face, great eyes and lips and looks serene

The person I see in my wardrobe door mirror is curvy and saggy, with a jubbly tummy and stretch marky, but she looks good and I like seeing her :)

The person I see in windows.. wow is she me? she looks great! In proportion, happy. I do double takes when I see her (because I don't see her as me)

The person I see in photos is round, chubby faced, big thighs. I don't like her

The person I see in my mind is a lot bigger than photo me. I can't lose her. I want to, but she wont go, she wont lose weight, she is the big girl that wont leave me.

I have put so much of my life into pursuing my dream of being thin, that in the last few months I have turned my OCD(T) from making items 'perfect', into making myself my idea of my perfect. My idea of my perfect, involves stretch marks, scars, saggy boobs and womanly curves, I am not delusional enough to think that I could ever have a super model body, because how many woman actually have one and I really don't want or need one.

So now I exercise, and I exercise maybe a lot?
I exercise for maybe 4 hours a day, walking, swimming and run/jog/walking

I don't have an eating disorder
But I do fear food

Not healthy food.. I fear junk food. It's Boo's birthday on Friday, my gorgeous girl is 15 and because we don't have junk food anymore, she wants a hamburger, chips and scollops for her birthday dinner. I have been worried about this because I know how my body reacts with bad food. It was nothing for me to gain 2-3kgs a week on one junk food session! Yes it's true, very very true.
I'll have to find a happy place in my mind and remember why I am eating it, and I will eat it because it's her birthday and I wont upset her. I think she's worried enough about me.

I think part of it is that if I get one taste of that beautiful hamburger and the old fashioned chips.. I'll go back to eating it regularly, that I'll "fall off the wagon"

My friend Nathan said I am a hostage to my scales.
He said it perfectly
I weigh myself daily...and I write that down on my calender, and please don't say I should weigh myself weekly, because with the massive weight gains I've had, in short amounts of time, I need to know daily how I'm going, so I can make changes if needed.

I'm even making excuses for my clothes!
If my top is baggy I tell myself that it's because it was stretched in the wash
My jeans are baggy because they need a wash to shrink them or they were stretched in the wash/on the line etc

Am I crazy?
Is this a bad thing?
is it an obsession?
have I transferred my fears into this because it's something I can control?
am I using this to avoid other things?
should I go back to Prince William?

Or am I just normal and something clicked and I've finally got the hang of this weight loss health thing?


Michelle said...


4 hours exercise a day is excessive!

and from the way you are writing you are not at a healthy place.

I would go see your counsellor and address it asap.

The weight loss is great and its good you feel good.

But everything in moderation Tanya

Your girls are right to be concerned.

You are sounding way 'over the top' with this.

I think you already know that or you wouldn't be making excuses to yourself.

Love to you xx

Natalie said...

I think your top is baggy because you lost a lot of weight :D

Lisa said...

oh god Tania- you are a BEAUTIFUL looking women. What i wouldnt give and all that waffle.........
yet, i have noticed that as you have lost some weight you seem to be 'going into yourself' or something- its hard to explain.
all those images of you that you see are just aspects- you are never going to see the real you by looking in mirrors.
Throw away the scales ( i mean it)- move past this need for perfection 9 which is unattainable by the way0 stay healthy and eat a burger for your daughters 15th.

what is the point of being thin if you are terrified to live ?

im coming around to smack you!

Hippy Witch said...

Stick to your weight loss program, you should be proud of your achievement. Know that bad food in small doses is ok. and you will become used to that, and not put on weight. Good Luck

River said...

I think it might be good for you to allow yourself this party food indulgence, just to prove to yourself that you can eat this for just one day, then go straight back to the healthy foods. The trick is to make sure there are no leftovers in the fridge the next day. Throw them out immediately. After all, a birthday is a once a year thing, not once a week. And Celebration foods are allowed. just call the stuff celebration food, not junk food and you'll be fine.

Myst_72 said...

I have been where you are (just not at the moment unfortunately).
I went from around 74kg to 54kg at my lowest, in approx 6 months.

People thought the Big A had a new girlfriend it was that much of a dramatic difference.

It takes some adjustment.

It took a while for me to stop wearing my baggy 'fat' clothes and actually start wearing clothes that looked good.

I too was afraid of the weight returning.

What to do about the birthday....hmmm....
I would have the burger, with the salad, just not the bun or cheese.
Or make myself a really scrummy something special to eat while the girls are having their burgers (nice prawn salad or something).

You will find yourself, soon I hope you can accept the new you - the outside has changed, I reckon the inside is stronger too, but otherwise you are still you.


Rylah/Jacqui said...

I don't know what to say, Tania, except that maybe it is starting to get obsessive, but hasn't crossed the line yet.
People tell me that something is an obsession/phobia, etc, if it begins to interfere with you living your life normally.
Maybe you should talk to your doctor?
Love you,
Jac xxx

Tania said...

You're all so wonderful :) I hoped I would get some friendly advice and I am grateful.

Michelle you're right, I'm not feeling in a healthy place, well mentally nope. Doc appt will be made today :)

Haha Thanks Natalie, I need to keep telling myself that, it's just such a dramatic difference!

Ahh Lisa.. you are so very right, I have retreated haven't I :( I'm sure I'll come out soon :) and yes I will enjoy that burger, because the reason I am eating it is more important than any reason to worry about it :)

Diana..So just not the whole chocolate cake? lol thank you :)

River! Genius! "celebration food" I love it! It's much better to look at it that way, easier to get my head around it, Thank you!!

G.. it is like that! I still see myself as the way I was. The vision of me that I see in the mirror and windows is gone after I walk away and the bigger girl gets into my head. My baggy clothes are frustrating, but they'll have to do for now, maybe if the liberals let Mr Rudd give us money I'll be able to get some new clothes :)

Hi Jacqui :) I'm not sure if it is interfering in my life cos I don't really do anything else during the day lol I am going to talk to my doc today. Miss you xx

Ozz said...

Hi Tania,

I'm going to tackle this from a different perspective than most.

I was a fat kid and still these days occasionally see the fat kid still in the mirror - but i have realised that its old habits that dont die hard.... the secret is to not get caught in the trap.

That being said exercise is something that is a massive part of my life - i dont have problems with 3-4 hours of exercise as for me its about stress release, keeping me healthy inside and out and i have a body that needs to keep moving... aka ants in pants.

That being said to me that's all a possible distraction from what may be the real questions.

I will ask a few questions:

* What do you want to "get" from losing all this weight?

And not just what the expected answer - that deep down one that only you truly know the answer too... love, acceptance, payback, lust, strength, peace....

* Do you like the person you are - inside and out? Do you have a sense of who your 'true' self is?

* Think of a time in your life when it all clicked - not weight etc, but when you got the ah huh - this is working.... what was going on in your life at that time - how is it different.

I guess what im really saying is to not listen to all the bullshit that comes from what society expects or what you think it expects.

From the time that we have chatted your a wonderful woman and the real you comes out.... albeit briefly at times and when she does its sexy - so embrace it and let all the other stuff fade away.

Be that person and fuck everyone (ok that sounds promiscuous)... tell those that dont let you be that person to go jump.

Hope it helps & feel free not to publish this as i see it more as a personal message to you.


Michelle said...

Good girl, I was stressing that you would take it the wrong way, well, the right way but badly :)

Glain said...

I think it is getting a tad obsessive, but maybe that's what the majority of women go through every now and again?
It is so easy to get obsessed with weight, body image and food that I would try and observe my thoughts a bit more closely to see how obsessive they are getting.
Michelle is right, 4 hours of exercise a day is way too much unless you're a professional athlete!
And the food thing.. all I can say is everything in moderation. Some cake and a burger every now and then is not going to "ruin" your entire weight loss. You're allowed to have celebration food sometimes :)
And to be honest, the making excuses about your clothes thing reminds me of someone with an eating disorder. I'm not saying you have an eating disorder at all!! But just be careful with those types of thoughts and obsessions. It is so easy to fall down that rabbit hole and end up with an eating disorder without even realising it.
Guess all I'm trying to say is be careful. -hugs-