I'm going to start writing this for me, not that I haven't before, but fluffy bunnies aside, I am sick of myself, I don't want to be told how well I am doing, because I really don't feel like I am and right now I don't want to see reason. I would rather wallow in my own self pity so I'm not going let people know when I update this, I want this to be a full on feelings diary of how disgusting I feel right now.
There is nothing more confronting to me than seeing a scan of my body, and seeing my 'fat' measurements. There are times when I think I look great, I don't see myself as big as I actually am. I watch TV shows like 'you are what you eat' and that other fat reality show on channel ten and when I see the women's weights I compare myself to them and more often than not I think to myself that I don't look like them, even if our weights are the same, I try and convince myself that they are bigger than me. I say out loud that that's what I look like and my beautiful daughters say "you don't mum, you're much thinner" I love my girls and they only want me to be happy, but if some chubby chick is the same height as me, and weighs as much as me, then I'm pretty sure that we must look the same. I get disappointed when these women exercise so much and eat so well and then lose less than a kilo in a week. If they are working out 6 hours a day, how can they only lose 1kg?!?! that makes me think that I have no hope. I watched a medical show tonight, a poor woman had a non-malignant tumor growing on her skin, wrapping itself around her body and it weighed 90kgs! That disgusting mass weighed almost as much as me! but in my misery, while they were slicing the tumor off her I wished that I could have my fat sliced off me just like that tumor. I worry that I am going to start to go back to my old ways, starving myself, taking laxatives... anything just to lose some weight quickly. I had dreams of looking stunning this summer, wearing a bikini and finding someone to love me, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen this year. There are loads of replies to my ad, and there are a few guys that I am talking to, but there is no way in this world that I will be wearing a bikini or feeling confident enough to take any amount of clothing of infront of or around them.
When my scan was done today and the person doing the scan (Marian) went through the results with me, I cried. I couldn't help it. I would love to post a pic of what my scan looks like but on the off chance that someones stumbles to this blog, I couldn't cope knowing that someone else had seen the picture, it's bad enough that it is in my hand bag waiting for the dietitian to see it. I cried because of how disgusting it makes me look and that just reflected how I am feeling. Poor Marian tried to make me feel better by saying that my body fat percentage had gone down, but my muscle mass has gone down a kilo. (I don't understand how my muscle mass has gone down)
I guess the good news is is that I am not going to give up, I never want to weigh 100kgs again, I don't want to weigh 93kgs, I want to weigh 60kgs, I want to be beautiful, not for anyone else, just for me.
Thursday, October 6, 2005
Wednesday, October 5, 2005
Diet Study is almost over!
Weight 92.9kgs
204 pounds :(
The study is almost over and I'm still FAAAAAT!
I know I should be happy that I've been losing weight but in 7 months I haven't even lost 10 kgs. I started off so well, but it didn't keep going smoothly. Never mind, being about 93kgs is better than being 103kgs. I would like to lose another 10 kgs by christmas. HA! don't see that happening, if it hasn't gone in 7 months, it isn't going to go in the next 12 or so weeks.
Good thing is that I'm on holidays with my girls at the moment, we're not really going anywhere, probably will end up going camping again this time up the coast to a beautiful beach :)
I've got my last test tomorrow, another DEXA scan at a hospital in Sydney. I am looking forward to see if my body has changed much, I hope so. I didn't start out with a mega gut so it's hard for me to tell.
204 pounds :(
The study is almost over and I'm still FAAAAAT!
I know I should be happy that I've been losing weight but in 7 months I haven't even lost 10 kgs. I started off so well, but it didn't keep going smoothly. Never mind, being about 93kgs is better than being 103kgs. I would like to lose another 10 kgs by christmas. HA! don't see that happening, if it hasn't gone in 7 months, it isn't going to go in the next 12 or so weeks.
Good thing is that I'm on holidays with my girls at the moment, we're not really going anywhere, probably will end up going camping again this time up the coast to a beautiful beach :)
I've got my last test tomorrow, another DEXA scan at a hospital in Sydney. I am looking forward to see if my body has changed much, I hope so. I didn't start out with a mega gut so it's hard for me to tell.
Thursday, August 4, 2005
FINALLY!!
I did want to post, I kept thinking about stuff to write but I couldn't be positive when my weight was depressing me so much.
I can't believe it has taken 2 1/2 months to get below 94! I finally did it, this morning when I weighed myself I was 93.7kgs (206.5 pounds down from 222.6) I still feel like a fat cow, but I look a lot better (i think?) I fit into some sexy lingerie that I bought a few years ago ;D
Not moving the weight was making me miserable, I cried when I weighed myself, I would get to 94.1kgs and then go back up. I would exercise, continue to eat well and my weight wouldn't go lower, just higher then I'd lose a bit then go back up. I kept hearing about having a "plateau" but not for 10 weeks!
I haven't done many things differently, I stopped eating brown rice and I finally had a period (grow up most females have them) I hadn't had one since I went back to work.
Kate my lovely dietitian wont be happy when i tell her about the rice, but I felt like it was clogging me up.
I'm still single (big surprise) but I've joined a few dating sites, and I am going to do someting else, so maybe that means I am feeling better about the way I look :)
I am crossing my fingers that when I turn 33 in a month I'll weigh 90 (198 pounds) or below, I'll admit I'm scared, I don't want to have another 10 week plateau, I don't want to be big in summer, I want to go to the beach without having to be completely covered up, I want to fit into the gorgeous new summer outfits without having to buy them at 16-26, I want to buy sexy sexy sexy gorgeous lingerie and most importantly right now...I want someone special to melt every time they look at me.
So.. my weight WILL go down, and I WILL be healthy and I WILL meet prince charming, my life is looking much better :)
I can't believe it has taken 2 1/2 months to get below 94! I finally did it, this morning when I weighed myself I was 93.7kgs (206.5 pounds down from 222.6) I still feel like a fat cow, but I look a lot better (i think?) I fit into some sexy lingerie that I bought a few years ago ;D
Not moving the weight was making me miserable, I cried when I weighed myself, I would get to 94.1kgs and then go back up. I would exercise, continue to eat well and my weight wouldn't go lower, just higher then I'd lose a bit then go back up. I kept hearing about having a "plateau" but not for 10 weeks!
I haven't done many things differently, I stopped eating brown rice and I finally had a period (grow up most females have them) I hadn't had one since I went back to work.
Kate my lovely dietitian wont be happy when i tell her about the rice, but I felt like it was clogging me up.
I'm still single (big surprise) but I've joined a few dating sites, and I am going to do someting else, so maybe that means I am feeling better about the way I look :)
I am crossing my fingers that when I turn 33 in a month I'll weigh 90 (198 pounds) or below, I'll admit I'm scared, I don't want to have another 10 week plateau, I don't want to be big in summer, I want to go to the beach without having to be completely covered up, I want to fit into the gorgeous new summer outfits without having to buy them at 16-26, I want to buy sexy sexy sexy gorgeous lingerie and most importantly right now...I want someone special to melt every time they look at me.
So.. my weight WILL go down, and I WILL be healthy and I WILL meet prince charming, my life is looking much better :)
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
long time... no post
Weight 94.7kgs
Loss 6.3 kgs
CM lost= 33cm!!
I've been gone a while, I'm back at work and when I get home I just want to relax with my girls. We leave at 8:15am and don't get home until about 6:15pm, it's a long day.
My weight has been going up and down, it's been very frustrating. On April 27th my weight went up to 97, it's been going from between 94.5 up to 97 for the last few weeks, I know it's mainly because I'm not organised enough at home.
I don't feel any different, I supposedly look better, but when I look in the mirror I can't see any difference, I guess 6 kilos isn't enough for me to notice :)
One of the women I work with said that my skin is looking great. My work pants are huge! but I still wear them because I'm not going to invest in new ones until these ones fall off. I have noticed a difference in my energy levels. My job is quite physical, lots of heavy lifting and I am finding that a lot easier and I sleep better :)
Feeling a bit blah at the moment, thought I'd better update
Loss 6.3 kgs
CM lost= 33cm!!
I've been gone a while, I'm back at work and when I get home I just want to relax with my girls. We leave at 8:15am and don't get home until about 6:15pm, it's a long day.
My weight has been going up and down, it's been very frustrating. On April 27th my weight went up to 97, it's been going from between 94.5 up to 97 for the last few weeks, I know it's mainly because I'm not organised enough at home.
I don't feel any different, I supposedly look better, but when I look in the mirror I can't see any difference, I guess 6 kilos isn't enough for me to notice :)
One of the women I work with said that my skin is looking great. My work pants are huge! but I still wear them because I'm not going to invest in new ones until these ones fall off. I have noticed a difference in my energy levels. My job is quite physical, lots of heavy lifting and I am finding that a lot easier and I sleep better :)
Feeling a bit blah at the moment, thought I'd better update
Friday, April 22, 2005
Ahhhh... relaxation!
The View From Our Camping Spot
On Tuesday morning, my daughters and I decided to go camping, I had had enough of feeling miserable, I needed to go bush. So we went to Barrington Tops, a place where I used to go camping a lot with my family when I was younger.
I can't say enough about how much better I feel after our little holiday. We stayed two nights, camping in our little tent, no flush toilets, no showers, no electricity, it was heaven! Barrington Tops is such a beautiful place, it makes you feel calm from the moment you start driving past Gloucester, the air changes, it's crisp and pure. When we arrived at the camping area, we pitched the tent, put our sleeping stuff inside and went for a walk to get fire wood, we started a fire and prepared our dinner, cooking a stew over a fire is heaven! and everything tastes better when you're camping. The first night was absolutely freezing, the sky was clear, the amount of stars that you can see is amazing. The next day was cold, overcast but we didn't care, just happy to be away from the world. We went for a walk around the swamp, which is a nice long walk, over creeks, fallen logs, past Kangaroos, lots of them! Then back to camp for more relaxation. A and B made friends with a kookaburra which was always near us, they sat on the ground and fed him, he was gorgeous, and he got so close to them! By about 5pm the sky went dark and it started raining, we still had our fire, we had our dinner, we made friends with other campers and we all gathered in the community shelter and made a massive fire, it was a nice evening.
Going to sleep that night was a bit scary, walking down to our tent at 10:30pm in the rain, looking over the swamp which was covered in mist was very eerie, I didn't sleep at first, listening to the rain on our tent was calming and I ended up getting 4 1/2 hours sleep. We left the next morning and slowly made our way home. I didn't want to go home, I wanted to be peaceful for a little while longer. I don't want to go back to work next week, I don't want to be at work on A's birthday (4 months off work and they want me back on her birthday!) I want to keep that calmness that we all had for a few days.
I lost a little bit of weight, only 200grams, but I don't care, I'm still relaxed :)
Monday, April 18, 2005
I feel better :)
5 Weeks without junk food!
Weight 96.3
Loss 4.7 kgs (10.4 pounds)
The whole weight fluctuation thing is very annoying. It puts me on a downer and then magically the weight goes again. I didn't lose as much weight this week as I would have liked, but any loss is a good loss.
Thank you for the comments, because they are motivational and make me feel better :)
About a month before christmas I weighed 98kgs and when I broke my elbow and wrist on Christmas day I weighed about 94kgs. I lost that weight by drinking a certain fruit juice and having a coffee in the morning, for lunch I had smoked salmon and crackers and dinner was a stir fry. I was also busy running around all day with Christmas sales (I work in retail). I lost weight but I wasn't eating well enough, fruit juice and coffee for breakfast?! not very smart. I have now been off work for 4 months due to problems with my arm, I would have liked to go back to work at the weight I was on Christmas Eve, but oh well, I'm close enough :)
Many people don't understand how easy it is for me to gain weight, I gained 7 kilos in less that 6 weeks. I couldn't drive the whole time I had the cast on my arm (it's illegal!) so we walked everywhere! I DID NOT eat junk food all day every day, the things I did wrong were never eating breakfast, hardly ever ate lunch, and then ate too much at my dizzy time of 4pm and continued to eat too much at dinner time. We did have a lot of frozen dinners and take away a few times a week because it was difficult for me to cook. The exercise we were doing should have made a difference but it didn't, then again maybe it did and I could have started the diet study at 110kgs!
The diet study has shown me how important it is to eat breakfast and eat regularly. I think my results are proof that this way of life is so much better :)
I'm not even missing junk food. On every other diet, I would still have junk food, I would always tell myself that I would "do better tomorrow" because I "really need it now" which is bulls**t. The only person I was hurting was myself, the people who weigh you in at weight watchers and jenny craig etc don't care if you gain weight, they love it because that means you'll be paying them more money for a lot longer!
Ok that's my rant for the day :)
Weight 96.3
Loss 4.7 kgs (10.4 pounds)
The whole weight fluctuation thing is very annoying. It puts me on a downer and then magically the weight goes again. I didn't lose as much weight this week as I would have liked, but any loss is a good loss.
Thank you for the comments, because they are motivational and make me feel better :)
About a month before christmas I weighed 98kgs and when I broke my elbow and wrist on Christmas day I weighed about 94kgs. I lost that weight by drinking a certain fruit juice and having a coffee in the morning, for lunch I had smoked salmon and crackers and dinner was a stir fry. I was also busy running around all day with Christmas sales (I work in retail). I lost weight but I wasn't eating well enough, fruit juice and coffee for breakfast?! not very smart. I have now been off work for 4 months due to problems with my arm, I would have liked to go back to work at the weight I was on Christmas Eve, but oh well, I'm close enough :)
Many people don't understand how easy it is for me to gain weight, I gained 7 kilos in less that 6 weeks. I couldn't drive the whole time I had the cast on my arm (it's illegal!) so we walked everywhere! I DID NOT eat junk food all day every day, the things I did wrong were never eating breakfast, hardly ever ate lunch, and then ate too much at my dizzy time of 4pm and continued to eat too much at dinner time. We did have a lot of frozen dinners and take away a few times a week because it was difficult for me to cook. The exercise we were doing should have made a difference but it didn't, then again maybe it did and I could have started the diet study at 110kgs!
The diet study has shown me how important it is to eat breakfast and eat regularly. I think my results are proof that this way of life is so much better :)
I'm not even missing junk food. On every other diet, I would still have junk food, I would always tell myself that I would "do better tomorrow" because I "really need it now" which is bulls**t. The only person I was hurting was myself, the people who weigh you in at weight watchers and jenny craig etc don't care if you gain weight, they love it because that means you'll be paying them more money for a lot longer!
Ok that's my rant for the day :)
Saturday, April 16, 2005
happy/sad/happy/sad/happy/sad...pick an emotion!!
I gained again, not a lot but enough for me to question what I've been doing wrong this week, not enough water, not enough fruit... not having my meals planned is probably the big one. I know that I have done a lot of exercise so it can't be that. I'm having a big "hate myself and all my fat" weekend.
Today I had a conversation with someone I loved very much, thought I was going to be with him for a long time, but recently he has been pushing me away, then being nice and then pushing again, but he still tells me he wants me in his life. Through tears I'd tried telling him what problems I see in our "friendship" I said that I couldn't constantly be pushed away anymore, I have supported him through all of his problems and I need this in return... and I walked away so I could cry like the sook I am, and when I stopped about 5 metres away from him he said..
"You can see that you've lost weight now" ?!?!
I didn't know whether to laugh or just keep crying.
I could only say "Yeah imagine what I'll look like in 6 months, thin, gorgeous and not single!" who am I trying to kid, I'll still be fat and single :(
Today I had a conversation with someone I loved very much, thought I was going to be with him for a long time, but recently he has been pushing me away, then being nice and then pushing again, but he still tells me he wants me in his life. Through tears I'd tried telling him what problems I see in our "friendship" I said that I couldn't constantly be pushed away anymore, I have supported him through all of his problems and I need this in return... and I walked away so I could cry like the sook I am, and when I stopped about 5 metres away from him he said..
"You can see that you've lost weight now" ?!?!
I didn't know whether to laugh or just keep crying.
I could only say "Yeah imagine what I'll look like in 6 months, thin, gorgeous and not single!" who am I trying to kid, I'll still be fat and single :(
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
I went walking, what did I see? nothing I was too tired!
Weight is the same... blah!
4 1/2 weeks without junk food, my poor children :) hahaha
I took my daughters to Glenrock Lagoon today, we walked and walked! Saw a rather big lizard, which was great, heard lots of birds and walked some more. It's nice walking through the bush and coming out to be greeted by a deserted beach. We had some salad sandwiches and A & B went swimming. The walk back was a bitch, it was mostly uphill and made me think that I would never ever do that walk again :)
My dad used to take us walking there when I was young, I haven't walked that track since 1988, I am so unfit. Poor B she asked me if I was going to have a heart attack, she even asked if I was having pain down my left arm! I must have looked tragic.
I wore the pedometer today, set it at 0 for the walk. I should be doing 10000 steps a day, the walk alone was 11248 steps!
B thought she would be amusing and said "Mum you should be doing this walk every day"
I didn't hurt her, I just thought about it ;)
4 1/2 weeks without junk food, my poor children :) hahaha
I took my daughters to Glenrock Lagoon today, we walked and walked! Saw a rather big lizard, which was great, heard lots of birds and walked some more. It's nice walking through the bush and coming out to be greeted by a deserted beach. We had some salad sandwiches and A & B went swimming. The walk back was a bitch, it was mostly uphill and made me think that I would never ever do that walk again :)
My dad used to take us walking there when I was young, I haven't walked that track since 1988, I am so unfit. Poor B she asked me if I was going to have a heart attack, she even asked if I was having pain down my left arm! I must have looked tragic.
I wore the pedometer today, set it at 0 for the walk. I should be doing 10000 steps a day, the walk alone was 11248 steps!
B thought she would be amusing and said "Mum you should be doing this walk every day"
I didn't hurt her, I just thought about it ;)
Monday, April 11, 2005
Wrestling and 4 weeks into the diet!
Wrestling was amazing, we had great seats and I took loads of pics! Edge and Chris Jericho, are just oh so yummy, I think I lost weight drooling over them ;)
Ok that's all I'll write about wrestling because this is supposed to be about my diet, but there are a few pics below.
It's four weeks since I started, my weight is now 96.9 (214 pounds) my total weight loss is 4.1kgs (9 pounds) The best thing is my centimetres, I've lost a total of 18.7cm!! (7.3 inches) I take measurements from my neck, chest, waist, hips and a thigh. I'm not noticing the weight loss yet. After wrestling Doug took a pic of me, and when I got the pics on saturday morning, I almost cried in Kmart, I didn't realise I was so so fat, I mean I know I'm fat, but I honestly didn't realise I was monster fat. I went out on friday night thinking I looked really good, my mirrored wardrobe is a liar!! after seeing the pic, I looked like a fatty that only a chubby chaser would want.. not feeling so gorgeous at the moment.
Ok that's all I'll write about wrestling because this is supposed to be about my diet, but there are a few pics below.
It's four weeks since I started, my weight is now 96.9 (214 pounds) my total weight loss is 4.1kgs (9 pounds) The best thing is my centimetres, I've lost a total of 18.7cm!! (7.3 inches) I take measurements from my neck, chest, waist, hips and a thigh. I'm not noticing the weight loss yet. After wrestling Doug took a pic of me, and when I got the pics on saturday morning, I almost cried in Kmart, I didn't realise I was so so fat, I mean I know I'm fat, but I honestly didn't realise I was monster fat. I went out on friday night thinking I looked really good, my mirrored wardrobe is a liar!! after seeing the pic, I looked like a fatty that only a chubby chaser would want.. not feeling so gorgeous at the moment.
Friday, April 8, 2005
No more sleeps til wrestling! diet study? oh yeah!
down to 97.2 kilos (214 pounds)
Lost 3.8 kilos (8.4 pounds)
I'm excited about wrestling! very excited about seeing Edge and Christian, yummy!
My eldest daughter B and I are going together, A doesn't like wrestling so she is staying with my wonderful neighbour.
We're going out to dinner before we go to the ent centre but I'm not worried about that because I know I'll eat properly. B has been complaining about the lack of junk food, so I finally told her about the blood tests, I didn't want to tell either of my daughters about the scary results, B is a very intelligent person, but telling B that I just don't want junk food because I need to lose weight wasn't working, she would tell me that I have done so well and I should treat myself etc so I told her about the tests and she doesn't ask me for junk food now. I have told her that nothing is going to happen to me because I am making the right changes to be healthy.
I started doing Winsor Pilates WOW! I feel amazing after I do pilates, the beginner pilates only takes 20 minutes, I checked the timer on my DVD player to make sure she was telling the truth and it came up 22 minutes, so 2 minutes is her talking :)
I'm still doing my walking and core ball exercises, I'm eating well and most importantly I am staying positive! I didn't let my gain effect me. I'm a new person :)
Lost 3.8 kilos (8.4 pounds)
I'm excited about wrestling! very excited about seeing Edge and Christian, yummy!
My eldest daughter B and I are going together, A doesn't like wrestling so she is staying with my wonderful neighbour.
We're going out to dinner before we go to the ent centre but I'm not worried about that because I know I'll eat properly. B has been complaining about the lack of junk food, so I finally told her about the blood tests, I didn't want to tell either of my daughters about the scary results, B is a very intelligent person, but telling B that I just don't want junk food because I need to lose weight wasn't working, she would tell me that I have done so well and I should treat myself etc so I told her about the tests and she doesn't ask me for junk food now. I have told her that nothing is going to happen to me because I am making the right changes to be healthy.
I started doing Winsor Pilates WOW! I feel amazing after I do pilates, the beginner pilates only takes 20 minutes, I checked the timer on my DVD player to make sure she was telling the truth and it came up 22 minutes, so 2 minutes is her talking :)
I'm still doing my walking and core ball exercises, I'm eating well and most importantly I am staying positive! I didn't let my gain effect me. I'm a new person :)
Wednesday, April 6, 2005
WRESTLING!! I am sooooo good(looking :)
I won tickets to see WWE RAW!
I am so excited about winning, strange I'm so excited because I bought tickets to Raw two months ago, BUT I still won tickets! and I am in the draw to win a front row ringside seat!!!
I think the reason I am so happy is because my life recently has been rather crap and finally something good happened. My friend Doug called to let me know that new fm (local radio station) was giving away tickets, he'd been trying to get through to win all day, he told me that the cue to call was the sound of cheering, so I waited, heard what I hoped was cheering and I called and I got through and I won first time I tried!! I had to answer a question (Doug forgot to tell me that bit) but I knew the answer and now I have four tickets! YAY!
Poor Doug :(
Lucky me :D
Two more sleeps til wrestling!
oh and weight is the same but the cms are coming off!! clothes are much looser and I am feeling so good (looking ;)
I am so excited about winning, strange I'm so excited because I bought tickets to Raw two months ago, BUT I still won tickets! and I am in the draw to win a front row ringside seat!!!
I think the reason I am so happy is because my life recently has been rather crap and finally something good happened. My friend Doug called to let me know that new fm (local radio station) was giving away tickets, he'd been trying to get through to win all day, he told me that the cue to call was the sound of cheering, so I waited, heard what I hoped was cheering and I called and I got through and I won first time I tried!! I had to answer a question (Doug forgot to tell me that bit) but I knew the answer and now I have four tickets! YAY!
Poor Doug :(
Lucky me :D
Two more sleeps til wrestling!
oh and weight is the same but the cms are coming off!! clothes are much looser and I am feeling so good (looking ;)
Monday, April 4, 2005
97.7kgs! 3.3 kgs in 3 weeks!
This loss is very sweet!
Before I started the diet I looked for a 'real age' test online, I found this one Real Age
My actual age is 32.6 but my 'real age' was 39.9 I really don't want to turn 40 so that was more motivation to suceed. I redid the test today and with all of the changes, I've got my age down to 34.3! :)
When I've lost all of my weight I should be back in my twenties. And I was even more gorgeous back then, so I'll be happy being 20 again ;)
Before I started the diet I looked for a 'real age' test online, I found this one Real Age
My actual age is 32.6 but my 'real age' was 39.9 I really don't want to turn 40 so that was more motivation to suceed. I redid the test today and with all of the changes, I've got my age down to 34.3! :)
When I've lost all of my weight I should be back in my twenties. And I was even more gorgeous back then, so I'll be happy being 20 again ;)
Friday, April 1, 2005
98.3! But things have changed slightly
I went to see Kate my dietitian today, and I've lost all the weight I gained plus some more :)
so that's the good news..
Bad news is that some of my blood test reults aren't so good. Before I started the diet I had to have a lot of tests, I was there for a few hours to get them all done, blood glucose tests, cholesterol, etc. So anyway, I am Insulin resistant, I have high bad cholesterol (yes there's good and bad) and my arteries are inflamed, BUT I still lost weight, so there's something good.
All of the changes I have started to make to my life are going to make the next test's reults a whole lot better, I wont be insulin resistant for much longer, my cholesterol levels are going to be perfect and my arteries are going to calm down. By changing now I am hopefully going to make my life a lot longer and my children wont turn into obese people (not that I was obese when I was younger, my parents were very good when it came to feeding us, I just went a little nuts when I was able to get to maccas without my dad driving me there (which was only once a year! see.. good parents)) It supposedly takes six weeks to break a habit, so I have three more weeks of continuing the changes and I am going to be ok :)
I'm only 32 and when Kate told me the test results my priorities changed straight away, I'm not going to die young, I wont have a heart attack, I am going to lose weight to be healthy, looking hot in a bikini next summer comes second to my health.
I'm more determined than ever to lose this weight safely.
so that's the good news..
Bad news is that some of my blood test reults aren't so good. Before I started the diet I had to have a lot of tests, I was there for a few hours to get them all done, blood glucose tests, cholesterol, etc. So anyway, I am Insulin resistant, I have high bad cholesterol (yes there's good and bad) and my arteries are inflamed, BUT I still lost weight, so there's something good.
All of the changes I have started to make to my life are going to make the next test's reults a whole lot better, I wont be insulin resistant for much longer, my cholesterol levels are going to be perfect and my arteries are going to calm down. By changing now I am hopefully going to make my life a lot longer and my children wont turn into obese people (not that I was obese when I was younger, my parents were very good when it came to feeding us, I just went a little nuts when I was able to get to maccas without my dad driving me there (which was only once a year! see.. good parents)) It supposedly takes six weeks to break a habit, so I have three more weeks of continuing the changes and I am going to be ok :)
I'm only 32 and when Kate told me the test results my priorities changed straight away, I'm not going to die young, I wont have a heart attack, I am going to lose weight to be healthy, looking hot in a bikini next summer comes second to my health.
I'm more determined than ever to lose this weight safely.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
I gained :(
For the first time in my dieting life, I have stuck to a diet, I haven't strayed at all, no chocolate, no fast food, I am eating fresh foods, drinking lots of water and I am exercising, I've started using my pilates core ball twice a day, I'm using my skipping rope, and I am walking a lot, and I've gained almost half a kilo. I don't believe I am gaining muscle because I haven't been exercising very long, so I am dumbfounded as to what I've done to gain weight. It's disappointing and I'm upset... but that DOESN'T mean I am going to go off my diet or stop exercising, I want to lose weight and be happy and healthy. I'm not going to go any further backwards.
Normally I would have given up and gone to macdonalds or hungry jacks and been miserable with a burger, but not this time. I had my sultana bran, skim milk and fruit for breakfast, salad for lunch and dinner will be my favourite salmon :)
Maybe next week I'll have a big loss
Normally I would have given up and gone to macdonalds or hungry jacks and been miserable with a burger, but not this time. I had my sultana bran, skim milk and fruit for breakfast, salad for lunch and dinner will be my favourite salmon :)
Maybe next week I'll have a big loss
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Nothing! Not a thing.. I hate dieting!
I haven't lost anything since last week. Not even 100 grams!
It's hard to face losing nothing because I have been trying so hard, I haven't gone off my diet, I have been walking a lot, only healthy natural foods have passed my lips and I didn't lose anything.
For as long as I can remember I have always had loads of chocolate at Easter and this Easter I didn't even have a nibble of chocolate!
I have never stuck to a diet before this one, I would go to a weigh in and come home and have two works burgers (i'm not lying) and some chips and I could still lose weight! but on the other hand I suppose this time I am actually eating healthier, I'm not starving and I'm not abusing pills to lose weight.
The one bit of good news is that my measurements have gone down 7.5cm in 2 weeks. Mostly from my waist (3.5cm) but it's coming off other areas too :)
The thing about doing a diet study is that there are two groups of women doing two different diets, and I keep wondering if the other group of women (the "blue group") are losing weight easier than I am, am I the only one in the "red group" going days without losing anything? I guess I'll find out on Friday when I go to Sydney to see my dietitian.
I know I should stop assuming this diet is a miracle cure for obesity, I'm just so sick of the way I look.
It's hard to face losing nothing because I have been trying so hard, I haven't gone off my diet, I have been walking a lot, only healthy natural foods have passed my lips and I didn't lose anything.
For as long as I can remember I have always had loads of chocolate at Easter and this Easter I didn't even have a nibble of chocolate!
I have never stuck to a diet before this one, I would go to a weigh in and come home and have two works burgers (i'm not lying) and some chips and I could still lose weight! but on the other hand I suppose this time I am actually eating healthier, I'm not starving and I'm not abusing pills to lose weight.
The one bit of good news is that my measurements have gone down 7.5cm in 2 weeks. Mostly from my waist (3.5cm) but it's coming off other areas too :)
The thing about doing a diet study is that there are two groups of women doing two different diets, and I keep wondering if the other group of women (the "blue group") are losing weight easier than I am, am I the only one in the "red group" going days without losing anything? I guess I'll find out on Friday when I go to Sydney to see my dietitian.
I know I should stop assuming this diet is a miracle cure for obesity, I'm just so sick of the way I look.
Friday, March 25, 2005
Good Friday and my girls are eating meat!?!
I slept in today, it was lovely, I'll miss being able to sleep in when I go back to work.
I woke up to the smell of something cooking, what could it be?! my daughters had made themselves jaffles for breakfast, my first question..
what did you put in the jaffles?
"ham and cheese" they replied,
but you can't eat meat on Good Friday!
B (my eldest daughter), who is quite intelligent, she's just done the exam for selective high school said
"ham isn't red meat, it's pink"
and she's intelligent!?
I was still a bit sleepy so I don't think I explained the whole meat thing very well.
Good news is that I have lost a little more weight, I'm down to 98.6, I've lost a total of 2.4 kilos. (217 pounds and loss of 5.3 pounds)
Easter is this weekend and everywhere I go I am surrounded by Easter eggs, and I'm not even tempted. Tonight we are going to have salmon and home made oven fried chips with some steamed veges, we would have been eating a can of tuna if B hadn't mentioned going shopping for somethng. It was the usual pre-good friday fight at the seafood counter in Coles, but we got our salmon!
I woke up to the smell of something cooking, what could it be?! my daughters had made themselves jaffles for breakfast, my first question..
what did you put in the jaffles?
"ham and cheese" they replied,
but you can't eat meat on Good Friday!
B (my eldest daughter), who is quite intelligent, she's just done the exam for selective high school said
"ham isn't red meat, it's pink"
and she's intelligent!?
I was still a bit sleepy so I don't think I explained the whole meat thing very well.
Good news is that I have lost a little more weight, I'm down to 98.6, I've lost a total of 2.4 kilos. (217 pounds and loss of 5.3 pounds)
Easter is this weekend and everywhere I go I am surrounded by Easter eggs, and I'm not even tempted. Tonight we are going to have salmon and home made oven fried chips with some steamed veges, we would have been eating a can of tuna if B hadn't mentioned going shopping for somethng. It was the usual pre-good friday fight at the seafood counter in Coles, but we got our salmon!
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
98.9! Lost some!
98.9! (218 pounds and for my english friend.. 15.5 stone)
That's a nice loss of 700grams.
I'm not very excited about it, I know I should be happy, I'm not really happy about a lot of things at the moment.
I'm still finding it easy. I've made a few changes to my life which seem to be working. On an old Oprah show, her and Bob her trainer, were talking about that tummy grumbling feeling, he said that the grumbling wasn't you actually being hungry, it was your body looking for some fat to feed off. So in Oprah's words (as close to them as I can remember) "you can feed it fat, or you can let it feed off your arse" I get that grumbly feeling every day and I know when I've eaten so I let it feed off my arse and hips, and tummy and well..everywhere!
I'm very aware of what I eat now, I went shopping today and the voices in my head were chatting away telling me that I couldn't have bananas, corn and peas because "they're bad" "don't eat rice or pasta cos they're bad too" but then I think about what Kate my lovely dietitian said, she told me they're all good! choose brown things, wholemeal pasta and bread and brown rice. The voices are there because of all of the diet programs that I have done, I need to get my head around to the new way. Maybe that's another reason I failed at all of the other diets...
I need to exercise more, I'm not doing enough, I have one of those big balls still in it's box with the exercise video. I really should pump it up and use it. I have to wear a pedometer for the diet study, I need to do atleast 10000 steps a day, my daughters are always checking it to see what I've done, they're proud of me :) I'm still not at work, so getting the 10000 steps usually takes two seperate walks a day, one up to the local supermarket and back and one to the shopping villiage a town away and back. I don't want to be all flabby when I've lost the weight, that is something that I worry about, I might hire a personal trainer for a few sessions so they can show me toning exercises.
And as for my friend that let me down on Sunday.. we haven't spoken since Sunday night which is very rare for us, he said he was going to start doing something so he wouldn't lose my friendship, I didn't think that meant that we shouldn't talk. I was doing fine until I heard a matchbox 20 song and it reminded me of him. I was out shopping for easter eggs for my daughter's hat parade when I heard it, and I didn't even eat an egg :) I guess that's one good thing, I'm not an emotional eater anymore!
That's a nice loss of 700grams.
I'm not very excited about it, I know I should be happy, I'm not really happy about a lot of things at the moment.
I'm still finding it easy. I've made a few changes to my life which seem to be working. On an old Oprah show, her and Bob her trainer, were talking about that tummy grumbling feeling, he said that the grumbling wasn't you actually being hungry, it was your body looking for some fat to feed off. So in Oprah's words (as close to them as I can remember) "you can feed it fat, or you can let it feed off your arse" I get that grumbly feeling every day and I know when I've eaten so I let it feed off my arse and hips, and tummy and well..everywhere!
I'm very aware of what I eat now, I went shopping today and the voices in my head were chatting away telling me that I couldn't have bananas, corn and peas because "they're bad" "don't eat rice or pasta cos they're bad too" but then I think about what Kate my lovely dietitian said, she told me they're all good! choose brown things, wholemeal pasta and bread and brown rice. The voices are there because of all of the diet programs that I have done, I need to get my head around to the new way. Maybe that's another reason I failed at all of the other diets...
I need to exercise more, I'm not doing enough, I have one of those big balls still in it's box with the exercise video. I really should pump it up and use it. I have to wear a pedometer for the diet study, I need to do atleast 10000 steps a day, my daughters are always checking it to see what I've done, they're proud of me :) I'm still not at work, so getting the 10000 steps usually takes two seperate walks a day, one up to the local supermarket and back and one to the shopping villiage a town away and back. I don't want to be all flabby when I've lost the weight, that is something that I worry about, I might hire a personal trainer for a few sessions so they can show me toning exercises.
And as for my friend that let me down on Sunday.. we haven't spoken since Sunday night which is very rare for us, he said he was going to start doing something so he wouldn't lose my friendship, I didn't think that meant that we shouldn't talk. I was doing fine until I heard a matchbox 20 song and it reminded me of him. I was out shopping for easter eggs for my daughter's hat parade when I heard it, and I didn't even eat an egg :) I guess that's one good thing, I'm not an emotional eater anymore!
Monday, March 21, 2005
well la de dah.... 100 friggin grams
Yes I know I should be patient but 100 grams?!?!?! why lose 100 grams?
I'm now 99.6 kgs (219.5 pounds) It makes my first weeks weight loss 1.4 kgs (3 pounds) which I suppose I should be happy with, but the 100 grams was over 4 days!
i feel a bit cheated
I'm now 99.6 kgs (219.5 pounds) It makes my first weeks weight loss 1.4 kgs (3 pounds) which I suppose I should be happy with, but the 100 grams was over 4 days!
i feel a bit cheated
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Same, no changes....cruddy day
Sunday and nothing has changed. I was hoping to have lost some more weight, but I don't care at the moment, I have other problems...On friday the specialist said that I could go back to work, but work wont let me come back, I broke my elbow and wrist on Christmas night and now about 12 weeks later, I'm still in pain but I wont cause any further injury to myself, BUT I will still hurt, which is why work doesn't want me there, and I'm only a sales assistant!!! so I'm looking for another job, there's one in the paper for a receptionist at an escort agency.. could be a good career move. My mum left this morning to fly to Holland (via Japan) to visit my sister and her husband and their beautiful baby that I call Squishy, and I worry about my mum, and today a friend let me down, a friend that I am ALWAYS there for, and it hurts.. so I feel like crap but I still wont cry into a chocolate cake, just into my stir fry and veges.
I took my daughters to Hamilton's food and wine festival, it was a lot of fun! food, face painting, music, food, wine, stalls, food and the Hunter Valley Chocolate shop! oh that little shop is heavenly! I bought my daughters a little chocolate each and they gave me a sample of their chilli chocolate, tiny piece about the size of a coffee bean and it was so good! but that's all I had!
PS I hate being single, just thought I would mention it.
I took my daughters to Hamilton's food and wine festival, it was a lot of fun! food, face painting, music, food, wine, stalls, food and the Hunter Valley Chocolate shop! oh that little shop is heavenly! I bought my daughters a little chocolate each and they gave me a sample of their chilli chocolate, tiny piece about the size of a coffee bean and it was so good! but that's all I had!
PS I hate being single, just thought I would mention it.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Weight 99.7 I am sooooo good! still fat... but good!
3 days into it and I lost some weight! it's 1.3 kilos and I couldn't be happier.
I had to go to Sydney today for a Dexa scan. Big x-ray kind of thing that measures bone density and body fat. One of the pictures at the end is rather disgusting, like a you without facial features, etc like a big blob of fat in the shape of a body, and the other is like an x-ray which isn't as scary as the blob one.
Long trip down, three hours on the train, and then a clueless walk looking for a bus to the hospital and then the same coming back home so about seven hours of travel today. I did manage to read 2 1/2 Lemony Snicket books though, which made my eldest daughter extremely happy.
I hope I can manage to lose atleast a kilo a week, I want to be a nice weight for my birthday and an even better weight at christmas!
I had to go to Sydney today for a Dexa scan. Big x-ray kind of thing that measures bone density and body fat. One of the pictures at the end is rather disgusting, like a you without facial features, etc like a big blob of fat in the shape of a body, and the other is like an x-ray which isn't as scary as the blob one.
Long trip down, three hours on the train, and then a clueless walk looking for a bus to the hospital and then the same coming back home so about seven hours of travel today. I did manage to read 2 1/2 Lemony Snicket books though, which made my eldest daughter extremely happy.
I hope I can manage to lose atleast a kilo a week, I want to be a nice weight for my birthday and an even better weight at christmas!
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Weight 101 kg (222 pounds) but I'm really gorgeous, seriously!
Time for me to start a blog, every one is doing it so now it's my turn. I'm too lazy to keep a journal, I've tried, I've written about 15 pages since my birthday in 1999.
I've got PCOS- polycystic ovarian syndrome, a horrible "Chronic Disorder" that effects so many women, and is extremely misunderstood, mostly we're told to "lose weight" but because of the hormonal problems, carb addictions etc, it's quite hard.
That's the reason I'm writing this. I'm a part of a weight reducing diet study for women with PCOS. I want to keep a diary/blog of how I am going. I just started yesterday and I'm doing surprisingly well, normally I would have eaten the left over mudcake from Sunday night's last yummy food binge, I would have had a frothy full fat milk cappucino with sugar sprinkled on top cos the fluffy milk goes crunchy mmmmmm, but I haven't. I'm sticking to my diet list because I am sick of being a chubby. I've done everything, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Easy Slim, numerous drinks and pills and even Duromine, I lost a lot of weight with all of the different diet groups but I got a bit lost because I felt like I wasn't doing my best. The weigh-ins were in the evening, how can you get an accurate weight when with you've been eating meals during the day and you're fully clothed? I got to the point where I wouldn't eat during the day, I would occasionally sip water, and I would wear the same thing every week, I was getting very annoyed at having lost 200 grams or gaining 100 grams and having that marked down on my card and people sympathising "don't worry you'll lose weight next week" I couldn't really scream that I had lost weight THIS week but because I can't starve during the day and strip naked to weigh in, no one would know that I had!!!
Duromine was great, I looked gorgeous at my sister's wedding, but I went a bit nuts and was pretty cranky 90% of the time.
I've got PCOS- polycystic ovarian syndrome, a horrible "Chronic Disorder" that effects so many women, and is extremely misunderstood, mostly we're told to "lose weight" but because of the hormonal problems, carb addictions etc, it's quite hard.
That's the reason I'm writing this. I'm a part of a weight reducing diet study for women with PCOS. I want to keep a diary/blog of how I am going. I just started yesterday and I'm doing surprisingly well, normally I would have eaten the left over mudcake from Sunday night's last yummy food binge, I would have had a frothy full fat milk cappucino with sugar sprinkled on top cos the fluffy milk goes crunchy mmmmmm, but I haven't. I'm sticking to my diet list because I am sick of being a chubby. I've done everything, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Easy Slim, numerous drinks and pills and even Duromine, I lost a lot of weight with all of the different diet groups but I got a bit lost because I felt like I wasn't doing my best. The weigh-ins were in the evening, how can you get an accurate weight when with you've been eating meals during the day and you're fully clothed? I got to the point where I wouldn't eat during the day, I would occasionally sip water, and I would wear the same thing every week, I was getting very annoyed at having lost 200 grams or gaining 100 grams and having that marked down on my card and people sympathising "don't worry you'll lose weight next week" I couldn't really scream that I had lost weight THIS week but because I can't starve during the day and strip naked to weigh in, no one would know that I had!!!
Duromine was great, I looked gorgeous at my sister's wedding, but I went a bit nuts and was pretty cranky 90% of the time.
So now I'm doing the study, why do I think I'll lose weight this time? because I had an epiphany! on the weekend I was wondering why people who had heart attacks and type 2 diabetes etc decided that it was time to lose weight, My parent's neighbour was told that she has type 2 diabetes and she's lost so much weight and she looks fantastic...so I came up with... because they're told to either lose weight or die! I don't want to get to the point that I'm told that, I know that now, I weigh 101 kilos!! I know I'm going to die if I don't lose weight. Now there are two types of foods to me, those that will keep me alive until my time is up and those that will kill me early. Chocolate cake... murderer, Brown rice (mmmm nutty)....life giver. So if I live my life the new way and occasionally flirt with the murderer then I'm going to lose weight and that sexy girl that is hiding under 44.9% body fat is going to come out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
