Thursday, October 6, 2005

second fat scan over and done with

I'm going to start writing this for me, not that I haven't before, but fluffy bunnies aside, I am sick of myself, I don't want to be told how well I am doing, because I really don't feel like I am and right now I don't want to see reason. I would rather wallow in my own self pity so I'm not going let people know when I update this, I want this to be a full on feelings diary of how disgusting I feel right now.
There is nothing more confronting to me than seeing a scan of my body, and seeing my 'fat' measurements. There are times when I think I look great, I don't see myself as big as I actually am. I watch TV shows like 'you are what you eat' and that other fat reality show on channel ten and when I see the women's weights I compare myself to them and more often than not I think to myself that I don't look like them, even if our weights are the same, I try and convince myself that they are bigger than me. I say out loud that that's what I look like and my beautiful daughters say "you don't mum, you're much thinner" I love my girls and they only want me to be happy, but if some chubby chick is the same height as me, and weighs as much as me, then I'm pretty sure that we must look the same. I get disappointed when these women exercise so much and eat so well and then lose less than a kilo in a week. If they are working out 6 hours a day, how can they only lose 1kg?!?! that makes me think that I have no hope. I watched a medical show tonight, a poor woman had a non-malignant tumor growing on her skin, wrapping itself around her body and it weighed 90kgs! That disgusting mass weighed almost as much as me! but in my misery, while they were slicing the tumor off her I wished that I could have my fat sliced off me just like that tumor. I worry that I am going to start to go back to my old ways, starving myself, taking laxatives... anything just to lose some weight quickly. I had dreams of looking stunning this summer, wearing a bikini and finding someone to love me, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen this year. There are loads of replies to my ad, and there are a few guys that I am talking to, but there is no way in this world that I will be wearing a bikini or feeling confident enough to take any amount of clothing of infront of or around them.
When my scan was done today and the person doing the scan (Marian) went through the results with me, I cried. I couldn't help it. I would love to post a pic of what my scan looks like but on the off chance that someones stumbles to this blog, I couldn't cope knowing that someone else had seen the picture, it's bad enough that it is in my hand bag waiting for the dietitian to see it. I cried because of how disgusting it makes me look and that just reflected how I am feeling. Poor Marian tried to make me feel better by saying that my body fat percentage had gone down, but my muscle mass has gone down a kilo. (I don't understand how my muscle mass has gone down)
I guess the good news is is that I am not going to give up, I never want to weigh 100kgs again, I don't want to weigh 93kgs, I want to weigh 60kgs, I want to be beautiful, not for anyone else, just for me.