It's a dark tunnel

I've been feeling like I'm sinking back into a place I have no desire to go again.

I had an appt with Prince William on Wednesday morning and since then I have been crying, not just a few tears, but heart breaking sobs. Every day.

I had been doing so well and then all of a sudden I started crying during my appt. William said that it was good because I was finally in the grief stage. Not grieving because of missing the abuser, but grieving over the loss of what the relationship wasn't, it wasn't nurturing, supportive and loving. I think with this grieving process I have also added in the grief of my marriage breaking up and also the break up of my long term relationship before the abuser. All things that I hadn't dealt with properly. And it is destroying me. I try and do my mantras, I try and occupy myself, but I am in such a low place right now that I feel like I can't pull myself up and out of it.

The mantras are quickly forgotten and I am rolled up in a ball in bed and crying like my heart will never mend

But in being so down, I've been forgetting the abuse and I am missing him so much AND I HATE THAT.

I have to keep reminding myself

he abused me
physically emotionally mentally spiritually

nothing I did was good enough

I have to keep telling myself
I am really not missing him as a person, I am missing the person I wish he could have been

But what if one day he is the person I hope he'll be and I've missed that chance?

I truly loved him
I have to stop defending him

I never understood how abused women stay
but I learned why

I am supposedly grieving and I want to sleep I want to stop crying but I feel like there is no light