Cause I feel that when I’m with you It’s alright, I know it’s right

"I know you'll never hit me"

"I could never hit the body I worship"



I will never forget your words and for the first time in years I'm actually letting myself trust.
I must want this because I no longer feel like throwing up when I think about the future :)

Thank you

x

I HATE? no....I LOVE... pt 4

I could've made this an "I HATE" post but I have decided to make it into a positive.

I LOVE...

Finding the strength that I forgot I had and being strong enough to use it!

This morning I took Allira to her new High School for orientation and to hand in her enrolment forms.
After the quick parent meeting I went to the office to discuss financial assistance.
I don't like asking for financial help, but I'm learning that it's there for a reason.
I spoke to the lady at the office with a smile and a "good morning" and explained to her that a little help may be required and how do I go about getting that.

She got the news letter and showed me that the yr 7 contributions are about $50 which is for cooking and a couple of other things. Then she showed me the list for year 8 and holy crap that was HUGE! I said ok next year should be fine, it will be year 8 that will be a problem. Office lady then says...

"Well, so you can afford the fees, your daughter should choose the less expensive subjects"

??!!!!WTF!!!!???

Hang on one friggin second lady.
Oh I was fuming inside, 6 months ago I would have just said "ok" but not anymore!
I kept the smile on my face, looked at her and calmly said

"Just because we don't have a lot of money does NOT mean that my daughter should be disadvantaged during her education, financial support is available at schools for a reason, and my daughter will be choosing the subjects that she wants to do"

I was very proud of myself for calmly telling her that what she said was downright rude.

Because I don't smell like alcohol, or cigarettes and am not walking around stoned
Because I am not a minority
Because I look younger than I am
Because I am articulate
Because I dress cleanly and I match
DOESN'T mean we have money and it DOESN'T mean that people can speak to me the way she did!!

My jeans cost me $3 at an op shop and my top was $10 and I look damn good! My family is a good example of how well people can dress without having much money and buying a lot of stuff at op shops.

That woman and others like her should NEVER assume that someone can afford something that should be free in the first place!

Financial assistance in schools should be available to all students who need it!
Whether they come from a previously well off family who has hit hard times, or they are a child who's parent's don't have their best interests at heart.
NO ONE should EVER be made to feel like they are a lesser person because they aren't rolling in money.

It's not fun asking for financial help, it's actually quite humiliating for me, I know it wont always be like this though..

Ahhh........yes, Strength... I has it

I LOVE .... pt 3

I know.. sickening isn't it, I'm still happy and I'm not even medicated! I'm going it alone without the Lexapro, yay me :)
I keep thinking about Glain on monday night saying that she doesn't like it when people smile all the time.. that makes me smile lol Glain has the most beautiful skin, not in a "it puts the lotion on" (silence of the lambs reference... very funny) kind of way... but just beautiful, she so ethereal.

OK.. on with spreading the love

I Love.....
Dr E!
She's been my doc for over 15 years, she told me when I was pregnant with both of my girls, and even came to visit me in hospital to see Boo (Allira was born in Wollongong) She is a caring woman who has seen me through everything and has been supportive and not dismissive.

I Love....
Radiographers at the place near the Ibis in Newcastle. It's where I ask to go when something needs scanning, x-raying etc. I like that they're friendly and don't say "you'll have to wait to speak to your doctor" when you're worried about something. They scanned my lump yesterday and were happy to put my mind at ease

I Love......
Finding out that my lump isn't a cyst! It's a lymph node and should hopefully go down, it's a bit cranky about a festy ear infection.

I Love......
Waking up to the sound of rain :) perfect way to start the day

I Love....
My new fuji s5800 camera that lets me annoy my cat by taking macro pictures


Ahhh another happy day awaits :)

I LOVE... pt 2

yes, I'm still all loved up


I Love.....

Allira for making the yummiest chocolate mousse, she's turning into an excellent little chef :)


I Love.......

Boo, for what she wrote about me, it made me cry at 3am this morning when I couldn't sleep


I Love.....

Left over chocolate mousse for breakfast!!


I Love.......

Weight loss!!!!
2.9kgs in the last week. And yes I can see where there might be an issue with the chocolate mousse for breakfast but, omg it's so good.

I Love....

Friends in far away places
Thank you so much to G for helping me with something, I really appreciate it :)


last for the day.....

I Love

KokoBlack hot chocolate!
It is absolutely divine, perfect, bliss, yum
happy now Ozz? lol
pity the closest one to me is in the ACT, be quicker to fly to Melbourne. I'll meet you at Maccas Ozz :P

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I LOVE......

I have decided that there is enough misery, so every day I am going to list things I love :)

I love.......

My Girls :)

They happily go along with my insanity!
Late Saturday night I said we were going for a walk, small complaints from Bianca, pfft.. like I care. We walked down to the Ocean Baths and jumped in, fully clothed, Bianca in her dress. It was fun! lots of laughs, lots of screams.. water was freezing. Standing on the edge, holding hands and jumping in. These are some of the good times that I wouldn't change for the world.

Bianca has her own blog FyreSpryte


I love....

Glen
Always have. Before we even met at the airport in Canada almost 10 years ago, I adored him.
No man has ever treated me the way he has. He loved the girls as though they were his own. I am eternally grateful for our chance meeting on ICQ, I still have the ring he made me out of one of those wire twist tie thingies...I wish he could be here for Christmas, I guess I'll have to wait for January... Swap hemispheres and Marry me dammit! :P


I love....

David Duchovny!
Yes he was a lusty man in The X-files and 15 years later he's still just as lusty in Californication. Last night's episode had me laughing hard!


I love....

My new found strength
I am glad I found it now, instead of still looking for it

xxxxxxxxxxx

I'm not horny

I went to Dr E yesterday about the horn sprouting out of my head, bit worried about it, just needed to know what it was...

It's completely unrelated to the ear infection, It's not lymph nodes, it's not a horn, it's a cyst. I have a friggin cyst growing in my head!!!
I wish I was a hypochondriac and none of this was real

She said I've been through too much this year, so it wont be cut out til the new year, fair enough.
I'm having all day headaches in the right back of my head, I don't know if this is from the ear infection or the cyst, so it's a wait and see thing and back to the doc on Monday.

And my car is still dead

Life is still good though (I only cried a little yesterday :)

It hurts

have middle ear infection
who gets a middle ear infection after the age of 6, I am a multiple of 6.
So I am on the only antibiotic that I'm not allergic to
and lots of advil
whole right side of my head is aching
my throat, my eye, my ear, my scalp
I feel like shit
I'm miserable
I'm in tears
I'd go and buy myself flowers to cheer me up, but...
My car died at the chemist, my portable jump starter recharger thingo is dead too, wont recharge
and I have an ungrateful daughter, which hurts the most

Fuck off, leave me alone, don't call me, shut up

Why is it that my ex ex boyfriend's mother (not the last abuser, the one before that) feels the need to call me?
She's a nice woman, but extremely domineering and someone you wouldn't want to cross. So when she'd call, I'd listen, and make the occasional grunt, until one night Boo said to me "Why did you give up an hour of your life to talk to her?"
A light went on in my head.. exactly! why the hell am I taking time out of my life to listen to her wark on about the son who hurt me? The lying one who convinced me he had bowel cancer and was getting radiotherapy at the john hunter, yeah the john hunter doesn't do radiotherapy! but I believed him when he said he wanted to go alone and didn't want me turning up out of the blue. I supported him through all his friggin custody hearings, got high blood pressure, ended up on all sorts of medication from the stress, and then I get traded in, as his mother said one day "He doesn't need you anymore, you served your purpose" Pfft yes, I SUCK at choosing decent men.
She called tonight re: my fish tank which was taken to her place, and she conveniently snuck into the conversation did I "know that the ex is now engaged to the 23yr old neighbour that I was dumped for ?" no I didn't know, "well it was in the paper" I don't care "I just thought you might like to know" fuck off and die.
I am soooooooooooooooo much happier not having a mother in-law
Yes I am having a 15 minute pity party because I am pissed that everyone, yes EVERYONE'S life is moving forward except mine....
It's a pity party and I am allowed to be unreasonable
And I am also the happiest I have been in years, thank Goddess for Prince William and alcohol :P
Just kidding, I don't drink... much


ok over it

Dream realised? I think so

Congratulations to Barack Obama and his family!
I think it is wonderful that he is President of the United States.
His speeches are awe inspiring, uplifting and fills me with hope. Even though I'm not American, I am aware that what ever happens in that country, there is a ripple effect.

So many people voted for the first time, because unlike here, it's not compulsory to vote in the US.
When people aged over 100, are voting for the first time, it's quite obvious that they're ready for change.

It's an amazing opportunity

Months ago when I saw him say this

“I think about my own two daughters, Sasha and Malia; and, sometimes it makes me stop and it makes me wonder, ‘What kind of America will our daughters grow up in? What kind of America will our daughters grow up in? Will our daughters grow up with the same opportunities as our sons? Will our daughters have the same rights, the same dreams and the same freedoms to pursue their own version of happiness?’”

That simple speech to me showed how passionate he was about his family, about people, equality and change and I knew he'd win, I just knew as a lot of people did and I annoyed someone with it quite often.

I am well aware that he doesn't have a magic wand to make every perfect overnight
But I do believe It is the start of something truly special

He is the President of the United States, and he just happens to be black

Poor Boo is just disappointed that there wont be anymore Sarah Palin videos on Saturday night Live lol

Craptacular

ooooooohhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrgaaaaaaaaa

blerk

staying in bed
the world's best bed, no.. the universe's best bed
slept 10 hours, was lovely,
have nails in my throat

the cats wont get me my book which is way over there, and I need a drink, wonder if I'll dehydrate before the girls get home... why do I have cats if they can't take care of me!

why the hell do we need live coverage of the election in the US???!?!?
(3 hours on channel 7 and 4 hours on channel 9)
seriously! 30 minutes tops if we have to, but 4 friggin hours?!
thank god for doc phil and oprah...
blah, I think I'll knock myself out before then


gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

goodnight

Ye Olde Tania of the Tangent

I'm feeling a touch blerty today, so I'll be going off on all sorts of tangents
Get it all out in one long blog post

Swimming is still awesomely brilliant, I've lost 2 kilos this week, and I can see some toning, yay me :)
Had to buy a new sunscreen, my skin is so sensitive. Our sunscreens just weren't doing their job and I do buy good ones, with the correct UVB UVA protector thingos and still get burned. A few years ago when I wasn't wearing sunscreen, I got 2nd degree burns on my chest when the girls and I went for a walk. Boo had sunscreen on, Allira didn't and all she got was a pink nose. I was at the friggin hospital a week later in absolute agony still, I still have an obviously different area on my chest all year round, stupid stupid stupid, see told you I was stupid.


Disturbed is an awesome band, so strong in their music and lyrics, fills me up and makes me want to sing loud! I'm Alive, Overburdened, Guarded and Ten Thousand Fists, are brilliant. Would've loved to have seen them in concert again. I saw them in NY in 2000 with Godsmack and Stone Temple Pilots. BEST.CONCERT.EVER

Timmy asked me to a Halloween party last night, was so much fun!!!! I love dressing up and being someone else. I was looking oh so sexy last night in my vinyl dress, can't believe I could get into it! long black velvet gloves, high high FM boots, lots of makeup and Boo straightened my hair and I looked like every mother should look, like an awesomely sexy don't fuck with me Mistress. I had no idea whose party we were going to, I just knew I needed to go out and have fun, and fun I had!
I drank, I laughed, I danced, I drank, I made friends, I gave out too much information, I drank, I broke my FM boots on uneven ground and hurt my ankle, so I drank some more! and came home and got Boo's sweet flat red shoes which she told me to wear before I first left for the party, it's funny that she was giving me motherly advice. So I went back to the party, thanks to Nathan driving me and drank some more!
We left that party and went to another one and I must have been a novelty cos I was adored as I should be and had numerous requests for the pleasure of my company. I left many blue lipstick smoodges. Oh yeah and I drank some more

I finally crawled home at 4am and then got online to torment Mr NY hahahahaha was fun wasn't it :P
Finally got to sleep about 6am and woke up at 11:15am to a sore ankle and a barrage of questions from Allira, but all I heard was thump thump thump, jesus is that what a hangover feels like? never had one before, I credit the good german drinking genes lol went to make coffee and god friggin dammit there was no milk, still half asleep put on a singlet and a skirt and went to walk down to the shop to get milk, Allira said "mum atleast put a bra on" pffft
I got milk and all sorts of crap I never buy, I haven't bought a Saturday paper in ages! I hate the way they look messy, I also bought a coke zero, blerk, yuck, I don't drink coke. But I had coffee when I got home.

Oh something funny, watching an add for a pizza and it has a ton of different meats on it, Allira says "jeeeez it's like sucking on a pig" hahahahahaha she's funny

I took a couple of advil and a few hours later Allira and I walked 6kms to go and get my car from Timmy's place, I could've caught the bus but I needed to work off alcohol calories.

I had such a good night!

I HATE being ignored, makes me insane. If I've done something to piss you off, then tell me, but don't ignore me, that's so fucking childish and I'm better without that hurt in my life

NEVER MAKE SOMEONE A PRIORITY WHEN THEY ONLY MAKE YOU AN OPTION
Something I have been telling myself for the past few months
I wont be anyone's "option" EVER again


How bad was the weather yesterday! 36 degrees!!, I swam 1.6kms, I only got out of the water when my mind went blank and I couldn't remember what I'd done.
I hate hate hate high temps, yes I'm supposedly like Lizzie Borden :P Closing all the blinds first thing in the morning makes a huge difference to the temperature inside our place, we don't have air conditioning so we have to do something so I don't go mental

I haven't eaten today, I should probably get something, but i'm not hungry either, probably just have an Xndo... watch out for another eating disorder

Hahahaha Iron Chef is flipping hillarious, the voice overs are so funny, they're too enthusiastic, I love the way they voice over everything including the laughs, cos you know, we wouldn't understand a Japanese laugh, it's so different to an English one

Boo is happy now, I've got cream for my eczema,
I think she was getting sick of me walking around with my breasts out saying '"LOOK AT MY BOOB.... LOOK AT IT!!!"
because I was scratching the hell out of it and it was all red and hiddeous
she'd calmly say "Mum, put it away and go to the doctor"
So I finally went to the doctor. I was trying to clear it up myself, but it wasn't working.
Stupid eczema, I get it when I'm stressed.

hmm... I think I'm hungry
The cat is next to me snoring
I want to add photos from last night dammit, but I have no idea where the cable to get the pics off my phone is.

have a great weekend everyone :)

toodle pip