I'm a BIG loser!

So hands up who watched Australia's Biggest Loser tonight? did you ridicule them or did you cry with them? I'm a crier, I sympathised with all of them. They are going to cop it for eating their last dinners, and while B and I joked that we would avoid the stuff on the table and head straight for the deserts on the surrounding tables.. I knew in my heart that they were doing what every other fat person has done before starting a diet. It's like a last supper, so many thoughts go through your mind before embarking on that long weight loss journey... "oh well it wont matter, I'll be dieting tomorrow" "I wont be able to eat this again so I might as well enjoy it now" so please don't judge these people, not everyone is strong. I've also been reading some critisisms in the Sunday Herald, from nutritionists etc about how terrible it is that these people are being humiliated. My opinion on that is, for some people who have tried everything else and haven't been able to stick to it, humiliation is the best motivation, put it infront of them and make them see exactly what they have become. I am allowed to say this because it wasn't really until I saw my DEXA scan that I felt completely humiliated, I couldn't even fit on the machine that was there to measure fat people!!!! That humiliation motivated me, I still have the second fat scan picture to look at, I finally fit on the table then :) While anorexics think they look fat, so many fat people don't think they really are THAT fat. Looking in the mirror didn't help me, I have thinny mirrors, I've never looked really overweight in the mirrors, and clothing size didn't mean much, size 22? pfft atleast it wasn't 28. So anyway, while I was crying through Biggest Loser, I looked at my elyptical walker, which is currently standing demon like next to the tv unit with a towel and B's school shirt hanging off it, and B and I agreed that while BL is on I should use that devil machine, so for 30 minutes a day I'm going to push myself while they work their butts off on tv. Hopefully I'll lose 10kgs in 10 weeks! HAHAHAHA, you never know, I just might.

Say hello to Devil Machine

Nigel No More!!

I have finished my first week back at school, well TAFE which stands for... umm... technical a fuckit e, ok I have no idea what it stands for, it's school for big people to learn trades and skills, and I am there MAKING FRIENDS!!! I am not a tragic Nigel no friends, but my BFF (I've started 'school' and now I am 12 again) lives in Nelson Bay which is about 40 minutes from here. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy when we go to break and they ask me to join them! I'm so used to being at work and having lunch alone, and being treated like I am inferior by customers, so this is really nice.
I was even asked out!!! actually I should be there now, but I'm not completely comfortable going out on a date kind of thing yet, but it felt good being asked, nice guy, looks a bit like Adam Sandler, sits with me in our classes, he's also asked to me to format his hard drive HAHAHA... we're studying IT, minds out of gutter please.

My confidence has grown in the last few weeks, it's amazing what leaving a bad job can do for your self esteem. You might notice I've changed the picture, gone is my chubby face and hello! there's a pic of me in something red and black, but who knows... it might change again. The only reason I put that pic there is because I am proud of myself, I bought that corset about 7 months ago, hoping that one day I would be able to do it up and guess what? I can finaly do it up :) and I will show it off for a little while atleast until I am game enough to show my shapely butt ;)

It's been a difficult year for me, first I break my elbow and wrist and then my weight went up and up. I was lucky I bought that paper in March 2005 and saw that article about the PCOS study, I might have weighed 130kgs now instead of 91 if I hadn't seen the article. I know I still have a lot to lose, but so many aspects of my life have improved, from my relationship with my girls to my thoughts about myself, so even though it's taken me the better part of a year to lose 10kgs, the other changes in my life make the weight loss seem like I've already reached my goal. Don't worry, I wont lose sight of where I want to be at the end of this year, but feeling good about myself is something I haven't felt in a long time x

New Year, New Me... hang on didn't I say that last year?

Weight: 91.7kgs
201.7 pounds
Job: none
Happiness: loads :)

Well...I guess it's time to look at last year and figure out what went wrong, I am trying to convince myself that it's because of this shitty disorder that I am still overweight. I thought I would be a much nicer shape by now, I didn't think I would still be spending my Saturday nights alone, but shock horror, guess what my plans are for this Saturday night are?! 2 hours of the Gilmore Girls!!!! yeah I know, awesome!
So what was holding me back last year?
one thing that comes to mind was my awful job, so that job is no more. I am currently unemployed about to go back to studying, I am really excited about it :)
I worked for a horrible little hobbit of a man, who hated me, the feeling was mutual. Small man syndrome does exsist, because he has it. Such a pompous prick. What kind of employer says this...

Me: "D.... I'd like some holidays please, to spend some time with my daughters"
D....: "What would they want to spend time with you for"

See.. asshole!

I left work last thursday, and I feel so much better about myself. Looking back through my blog I can see that I only lost about 2 kilos the whole time I was at work, I lost most of my weight when I was off work with my broken arm.
And now that I am not working I've already lost 2 kilos. It must have been that job that was holding me back, my job was very physical, lots of heavy lifting, on my feet all day, but also very stressful, I was never really eating the wrong things, so I don't know what happened. But as soon as I leave there, the weight is coming off again :)

I was told last night that I look relaxed, that for the past 8 months I've walked around looking pissed off, and now I look calm. I am not struggling with junk food, I am quite happy to eat healthy foods, and I'm even wearing much nicer more figure hugging clothes :)
I don't really care about being single, no honestly I don't, love will come to me, whether it be someone new or someone I already know.

This year WILL be my year :)

second fat scan over and done with

I'm going to start writing this for me, not that I haven't before, but fluffy bunnies aside, I am sick of myself, I don't want to be told how well I am doing, because I really don't feel like I am and right now I don't want to see reason. I would rather wallow in my own self pity so I'm not going let people know when I update this, I want this to be a full on feelings diary of how disgusting I feel right now.
There is nothing more confronting to me than seeing a scan of my body, and seeing my 'fat' measurements. There are times when I think I look great, I don't see myself as big as I actually am. I watch TV shows like 'you are what you eat' and that other fat reality show on channel ten and when I see the women's weights I compare myself to them and more often than not I think to myself that I don't look like them, even if our weights are the same, I try and convince myself that they are bigger than me. I say out loud that that's what I look like and my beautiful daughters say "you don't mum, you're much thinner" I love my girls and they only want me to be happy, but if some chubby chick is the same height as me, and weighs as much as me, then I'm pretty sure that we must look the same. I get disappointed when these women exercise so much and eat so well and then lose less than a kilo in a week. If they are working out 6 hours a day, how can they only lose 1kg?!?! that makes me think that I have no hope. I watched a medical show tonight, a poor woman had a non-malignant tumor growing on her skin, wrapping itself around her body and it weighed 90kgs! That disgusting mass weighed almost as much as me! but in my misery, while they were slicing the tumor off her I wished that I could have my fat sliced off me just like that tumor. I worry that I am going to start to go back to my old ways, starving myself, taking laxatives... anything just to lose some weight quickly. I had dreams of looking stunning this summer, wearing a bikini and finding someone to love me, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen this year. There are loads of replies to my ad, and there are a few guys that I am talking to, but there is no way in this world that I will be wearing a bikini or feeling confident enough to take any amount of clothing of infront of or around them.
When my scan was done today and the person doing the scan (Marian) went through the results with me, I cried. I couldn't help it. I would love to post a pic of what my scan looks like but on the off chance that someones stumbles to this blog, I couldn't cope knowing that someone else had seen the picture, it's bad enough that it is in my hand bag waiting for the dietitian to see it. I cried because of how disgusting it makes me look and that just reflected how I am feeling. Poor Marian tried to make me feel better by saying that my body fat percentage had gone down, but my muscle mass has gone down a kilo. (I don't understand how my muscle mass has gone down)
I guess the good news is is that I am not going to give up, I never want to weigh 100kgs again, I don't want to weigh 93kgs, I want to weigh 60kgs, I want to be beautiful, not for anyone else, just for me.

Diet Study is almost over!

Weight 92.9kgs
204 pounds :(
The study is almost over and I'm still FAAAAAT!
I know I should be happy that I've been losing weight but in 7 months I haven't even lost 10 kgs. I started off so well, but it didn't keep going smoothly. Never mind, being about 93kgs is better than being 103kgs. I would like to lose another 10 kgs by christmas. HA! don't see that happening, if it hasn't gone in 7 months, it isn't going to go in the next 12 or so weeks.
Good thing is that I'm on holidays with my girls at the moment, we're not really going anywhere, probably will end up going camping again this time up the coast to a beautiful beach :)


I've got my last test tomorrow, another DEXA scan at a hospital in Sydney. I am looking forward to see if my body has changed much, I hope so. I didn't start out with a mega gut so it's hard for me to tell.

FINALLY!!

I did want to post, I kept thinking about stuff to write but I couldn't be positive when my weight was depressing me so much.
I can't believe it has taken 2 1/2 months to get below 94! I finally did it, this morning when I weighed myself I was 93.7kgs (206.5 pounds down from 222.6) I still feel like a fat cow, but I look a lot better (i think?) I fit into some sexy lingerie that I bought a few years ago ;D

Not moving the weight was making me miserable, I cried when I weighed myself, I would get to 94.1kgs and then go back up. I would exercise, continue to eat well and my weight wouldn't go lower, just higher then I'd lose a bit then go back up. I kept hearing about having a "plateau" but not for 10 weeks!
I haven't done many things differently, I stopped eating brown rice and I finally had a period (grow up most females have them) I hadn't had one since I went back to work.
Kate my lovely dietitian wont be happy when i tell her about the rice, but I felt like it was clogging me up.

I'm still single (big surprise) but I've joined a few dating sites, and I am going to do someting else, so maybe that means I am feeling better about the way I look :)

I am crossing my fingers that when I turn 33 in a month I'll weigh 90 (198 pounds) or below, I'll admit I'm scared, I don't want to have another 10 week plateau, I don't want to be big in summer, I want to go to the beach without having to be completely covered up, I want to fit into the gorgeous new summer outfits without having to buy them at 16-26, I want to buy sexy sexy sexy gorgeous lingerie and most importantly right now...I want someone special to melt every time they look at me.

So.. my weight WILL go down, and I WILL be healthy and I WILL meet prince charming, my life is looking much better :)

long time... no post

Weight 94.7kgs
Loss 6.3 kgs
CM lost= 33cm!!

I've been gone a while, I'm back at work and when I get home I just want to relax with my girls. We leave at 8:15am and don't get home until about 6:15pm, it's a long day.

My weight has been going up and down, it's been very frustrating. On April 27th my weight went up to 97, it's been going from between 94.5 up to 97 for the last few weeks, I know it's mainly because I'm not organised enough at home.

I don't feel any different, I supposedly look better, but when I look in the mirror I can't see any difference, I guess 6 kilos isn't enough for me to notice :)
One of the women I work with said that my skin is looking great. My work pants are huge! but I still wear them because I'm not going to invest in new ones until these ones fall off. I have noticed a difference in my energy levels. My job is quite physical, lots of heavy lifting and I am finding that a lot easier and I sleep better :)

Feeling a bit blah at the moment, thought I'd better update