Thursday, February 23, 2006

I have a confession....

weight- 89.9kgs
pounds- 198
feeling? low

I'm supposed to be happy right? my weight is down, I think I look better, but I feel terrible, I am so miserable right now I don't know what to do. I have to be honest about this.
I've got too many things on my mind, I know I should deal with them, and get over them but I don't want to talk about them.
I wonder if anyone has been paying attention to my weight, not so much the people that see me every day but the people who read this and can see what my weight is. Ok how's this, my weight has gone down over 4 kilos in the past week and a half. Now even I know that isn't normal. The thought of eating makes me sick, my tummy is a mess, I have a pesonal issue that needs to be sorted so I can be me again, but I don't know what to do, I don't want to write about it because it's just wrong. It's effecting me at home, at tafe, in everything, I can't stop thinking about it, and this in turn is making my mind go back to years ago when I would punish myself for my mistakes by not eating, or I would eat and then feel guilty for doing so, like I didn't deserve food because I've been naughty or something. Please don't think my parent's punished me by withholding meals or anything like that, they didn't!
I don't know why I did it years ago, I remember when I was doing a course at tafe and I got a question wrong in a test, it was the easiest question on the test, I went home and I took almost a whole packet of laxatives, I remember feeling happy when I got tummy cramps and feeling 'empty' made me feel better, so I kept doing it.
I haven't eaten breakfast in weeks, I haven't eaten lunch either, I did yesterday (Wednesday) because I was a bit dizzy probably because I hadn't eaten since Sunday. I didn't enjoy it and I pretty much skipped dinner. I usually eat dinner though, and it's a healthy meal. But during the day I can't bring myself to have more than a coffee in the morning and some vegetable juice.

I cry too much, I can't control my emotions, sometimes I hear myself slurring when I talk, I'm so tired but some nights I get four hours sleep. I can't be proud of myself for my weightloss, I am failing myself, I know I am, I guess this is just going to take time. I don't know what to do, I'm a bit lost.


T666 said...

u lost wieght dats good
but u goto eat proper amounts and times.
u goto get back in the plan
if u cant then u goto get someone to help u get back
athletes got coaches, employees got bosses... sometime u cant do it all by yourself.
but that dont mean u goto give in.
just try get back on track u will b sweet.
if it was ez it woodnt b worth doing,
so just hang in there
i known u long time
u can do it!

Steph said...

Go and see your doctor. Tell him what's going on. your mood swings or depression is most probably linked to not eating.

It's a vicious cycle you're in right now. Go and get some help.