I have a confession....

weight- 89.9kgs
pounds- 198
feeling? low

I'm supposed to be happy right? my weight is down, I think I look better, but I feel terrible, I am so miserable right now I don't know what to do. I have to be honest about this.
I've got too many things on my mind, I know I should deal with them, and get over them but I don't want to talk about them.
I wonder if anyone has been paying attention to my weight, not so much the people that see me every day but the people who read this and can see what my weight is. Ok how's this, my weight has gone down over 4 kilos in the past week and a half. Now even I know that isn't normal. The thought of eating makes me sick, my tummy is a mess, I have a pesonal issue that needs to be sorted so I can be me again, but I don't know what to do, I don't want to write about it because it's just wrong. It's effecting me at home, at tafe, in everything, I can't stop thinking about it, and this in turn is making my mind go back to years ago when I would punish myself for my mistakes by not eating, or I would eat and then feel guilty for doing so, like I didn't deserve food because I've been naughty or something. Please don't think my parent's punished me by withholding meals or anything like that, they didn't!
I don't know why I did it years ago, I remember when I was doing a course at tafe and I got a question wrong in a test, it was the easiest question on the test, I went home and I took almost a whole packet of laxatives, I remember feeling happy when I got tummy cramps and feeling 'empty' made me feel better, so I kept doing it.
I haven't eaten breakfast in weeks, I haven't eaten lunch either, I did yesterday (Wednesday) because I was a bit dizzy probably because I hadn't eaten since Sunday. I didn't enjoy it and I pretty much skipped dinner. I usually eat dinner though, and it's a healthy meal. But during the day I can't bring myself to have more than a coffee in the morning and some vegetable juice.

I cry too much, I can't control my emotions, sometimes I hear myself slurring when I talk, I'm so tired but some nights I get four hours sleep. I can't be proud of myself for my weightloss, I am failing myself, I know I am, I guess this is just going to take time. I don't know what to do, I'm a bit lost.

Guess what?

I did it :)
I really really did it.
I have been waiting a few days to post this because I wanted it to be true, I didn't want to go up and down.
I finally reached 2 important goals in the one week!!.

I have lost 10 kilos!!!!!
and I am finally under 200 pounds!!!!!!

YAY! doesn't seem so exciting in text but to me it means so much.

I am now down to 90.5, I've been that way for a few days, and I can't stop smiling :D

I've set myself a list of goals, my next one is obvious, it's to be under 90, which should hopefully be sometimes this week.
I can't believe how different I am with only losing 10 kgs, if I only had 10 to lose that would be great but I'm still carrying 30 too many. I've shared this information with lots of friends and they don't believe I still have that much to go. Are they serious or trying to make me feel better about the fat that remains?
The changes

1. I'm not that uncomfortable in this friggin heat
2. I have lost loads of centimetres/inches (feet??)
3. I sleep better
4. I look better
5. Guys are noticing I exist (or am I noticing guys are noticing that I exist?)
6. My skin is glowing
7. My period is getting regular (good or bad??? sometimes it's nice going 3 months without one)
8. I am laughing out loud more often
9. I can buy clothes in normal shops, in the larger sizes but still.... bye bye fat chick shops YAY!!!!!
   
10. ummm... oh yeah! energy, I have some :)
    

At the moment nothing feels better than taking something out of my wardrobe that I haven't been able to wear and then doing it up for the first time in years.
It wont be long and I'll be a sexy bitch again ;)

I'm a BIG loser!

So hands up who watched Australia's Biggest Loser tonight? did you ridicule them or did you cry with them? I'm a crier, I sympathised with all of them. They are going to cop it for eating their last dinners, and while B and I joked that we would avoid the stuff on the table and head straight for the deserts on the surrounding tables.. I knew in my heart that they were doing what every other fat person has done before starting a diet. It's like a last supper, so many thoughts go through your mind before embarking on that long weight loss journey... "oh well it wont matter, I'll be dieting tomorrow" "I wont be able to eat this again so I might as well enjoy it now" so please don't judge these people, not everyone is strong. I've also been reading some critisisms in the Sunday Herald, from nutritionists etc about how terrible it is that these people are being humiliated. My opinion on that is, for some people who have tried everything else and haven't been able to stick to it, humiliation is the best motivation, put it infront of them and make them see exactly what they have become. I am allowed to say this because it wasn't really until I saw my DEXA scan that I felt completely humiliated, I couldn't even fit on the machine that was there to measure fat people!!!! That humiliation motivated me, I still have the second fat scan picture to look at, I finally fit on the table then :) While anorexics think they look fat, so many fat people don't think they really are THAT fat. Looking in the mirror didn't help me, I have thinny mirrors, I've never looked really overweight in the mirrors, and clothing size didn't mean much, size 22? pfft atleast it wasn't 28. So anyway, while I was crying through Biggest Loser, I looked at my elyptical walker, which is currently standing demon like next to the tv unit with a towel and B's school shirt hanging off it, and B and I agreed that while BL is on I should use that devil machine, so for 30 minutes a day I'm going to push myself while they work their butts off on tv. Hopefully I'll lose 10kgs in 10 weeks! HAHAHAHA, you never know, I just might.

Say hello to Devil Machine

Nigel No More!!

I have finished my first week back at school, well TAFE which stands for... umm... technical a fuckit e, ok I have no idea what it stands for, it's school for big people to learn trades and skills, and I am there MAKING FRIENDS!!! I am not a tragic Nigel no friends, but my BFF (I've started 'school' and now I am 12 again) lives in Nelson Bay which is about 40 minutes from here. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy when we go to break and they ask me to join them! I'm so used to being at work and having lunch alone, and being treated like I am inferior by customers, so this is really nice.
I was even asked out!!! actually I should be there now, but I'm not completely comfortable going out on a date kind of thing yet, but it felt good being asked, nice guy, looks a bit like Adam Sandler, sits with me in our classes, he's also asked to me to format his hard drive HAHAHA... we're studying IT, minds out of gutter please.

My confidence has grown in the last few weeks, it's amazing what leaving a bad job can do for your self esteem. You might notice I've changed the picture, gone is my chubby face and hello! there's a pic of me in something red and black, but who knows... it might change again. The only reason I put that pic there is because I am proud of myself, I bought that corset about 7 months ago, hoping that one day I would be able to do it up and guess what? I can finaly do it up :) and I will show it off for a little while atleast until I am game enough to show my shapely butt ;)

It's been a difficult year for me, first I break my elbow and wrist and then my weight went up and up. I was lucky I bought that paper in March 2005 and saw that article about the PCOS study, I might have weighed 130kgs now instead of 91 if I hadn't seen the article. I know I still have a lot to lose, but so many aspects of my life have improved, from my relationship with my girls to my thoughts about myself, so even though it's taken me the better part of a year to lose 10kgs, the other changes in my life make the weight loss seem like I've already reached my goal. Don't worry, I wont lose sight of where I want to be at the end of this year, but feeling good about myself is something I haven't felt in a long time x