Googling and the personal trauma it can cause

NOTE: this was extremely difficult for me to write

I am writing this to get it out, stop having it bottled up, also so I can keep a record.

Googling is a good thing, but when I got an answer that I never thought I would hear, it has caused me nothing but heartache and stress.

I can start by stating the obvious, this hasn't been an easy pregnancy for me, it's one thing after another, horrible morning sickness, severe anemia, gradually increasing high blood pressure and then it being normal all of a sudden, the sciatica which I am seeing an obstetrics physiotherapist for and then the small for dates and Polyhydramnios. I have been asked by midwives at my appts if I wanted to go ACE services at the hospital, which deals with women with antenatal and post natal depression, I keep saying no because I am putting my tears down to Glen not being here and feeling guilty for putting too much on my girls.

It's been difficult for me and I am sure it hasn't been easy for my girls, but they have been an absolute blessing with everything they have done to help make things a bit easier.

When I first got the diagnosis of Polyhydramnios, I was fairly confident that all it meant was excess fluid and that's pretty normal, the small for dates thing concerned me more because Glen is 6'3 and I assumed this little one would be long too, Bianca was 55cm and 7 pound 12, allira was 53cm and 9 pound 3, and everyone says that babies usually get bigger.

So I started googling when I got home. Excess fluid occurs in 1-2% of pregnancies, wow, so I had a 98-99% of NOT having excess fluid, but I fell into the tiny % of women that did get it.
Then I started reading about congenital problems. I felt sick.

I had been assured many times that my baby looks normal, but I had been talked out of an amniocentesis and that is pretty much one of the only ways to be sure of the common problems such as down syndrome. Yes soft markers do show up in ultrasounds, but not all the time. In hindsight I should have had the amnio for peace of mind now.

At this point I was a bit nervous but not a wreck.
I did more googling, specifically small for dates and Polyhydramnios.
I found a website writtten by a director of maternal-fetal medicine in America. He has a list of questions written by women with Polyhydramnios and he takes the time to answer them. Reading through the questions I found a comment that he says smaller babies and polyhydramnios is something to be seriously concerned about as opposed to bigger babies as this is a big indicator that something could be wrong.

So I wrote to him, I gave what I thought would be enough information to hopefully show that everything looked positive.

Hi, I am 37 and now 31 weeks pregnant with my third baby, last week I had a scan because I am measuring large for dates. The scan showed polyhydramnios with a level of 25. There seems to be absolutely nothing wrong with the baby apart from being small for dates, she was measuring as a 28 week baby instead of 30 weeks. We are absolutely 100% sure of when I conceived, so the dates can't be out. I have done the GTT and my levels are fine, so no gestational diabetes. My other two daughters were born at 7 pound 12 and 9 pound 3. I am concerned about her being small when it seems like most people with polyhydramnios have bigger for dates babies. I didn't have an amnio because my NT test had excellent results. I am getting quite upset about this and wondering what could be wrong. Any information you could give me would be wonderful, thank you.

I hoped for a quick reply but a week later there was nothing. Now during the time I waited for a reply I saw my GP who I have been seeing for 16 yrs and my Obstetrician who has women coming from as far away as QLD to see him, and they both said don't worry and I accepted that. My OB did another scan and said my fluid levels hadn't risen so that was a good sign. So after that appointment I felt great, I stopped worrying and felt like my little one is as perfect as I first thought.

But then I got a reply from the Dr in America

To Tania: I am afraid the combination of polyhydramnios, a smal for gestational age baby, and your age scares me a little too. I have seen this situation MANY times where it turned out the baby had an unsuspected chromosomal abnormality such as Down syndrome. If you have not seen a specialist in maternal-fetal medicine, I strongly recommend you ask your doctor to send you to one. Good luck to you and let us know how things turn out.
Dr T

Well... I went from being happy about Glen's Visa approval to an absolute blubbering mess. I was physically sick and my joy at being pregnant went to a feeling of sickness when the baby kicked and moved and I had to take down scan photos because I cried everytime I saw a picture of my beautiful baby. I felt sick thinking about labour and what was going to come out.

All I could think of was this 'expert' said that he'd seen this "MANY" times and there is a problem and not a small problem but a major chromosomal abnormality. I went into panic mode, I tried getting another scan but he's on holidays, I went to see my GP who called the Dr "stupid, stupid stupid" but all I could think of was that I was the stupid one for not getting the amnio I wanted months ago. I tried to see the OB but he was unavailable. I spent days in tears. I didn't want to look at any baby items, here or in shops and when Boo picked up an outfit in Kmart I cried and cried in the store.
My friend Ky begged me to stop googling but I was trying to find an answer that would be different to what he said, and I couldn't find anything that related to small and polyhydramnios.

On Saturday my neighbour asked me how everything was going, and I couldn't help it, I just burst into tears and as she is a midwife I poured it all out to her. She hugged me a lot and said that she has seen many women with a lot of fluid and the most common thing was a Tracheoesophageal Fistula (TEF) which is a swallowing problem and is found and fixed straight after birth, really nothing to worry about. She also asked about my OCD and I said I was a lot better since things in my life had improved, then she asked "are you using any lotions on your body?" and I admitted that I'm not, I don't use sunscreen, I haven't used a moisturiser on my face in months and I rarely even use the special pregnancy lotions that Glen bought me from Belli because I am worried about the ingredients, she pointed out that this is OCD. She asked if I was like this with my last 2 pregnancies and no they were a breeze compared to how I am now. She said that if I am this anxious then I should think about a ceasarean because my labour wont progress.
She asked why I wont go to ACE services and I admitted to her that I am scared that they'll think I'm crazy and take the baby away from me, she cried and hugged me when I said that :(
It's very difficult to admit my reason and she's the first person I've told that that's how I feel.

Even though I promised not to google anymore, I did one more and made it a more Australian search. And I am glad I did, I wanted to know what normal amniotic fluid levels were, and normal ranges from 5-25! so I am on the higher side of normal! Why have I been so worried! I read a lot of stories on forums, for a condition that only occurs in 1-2% of pregnancies there are an awful lot of stories. There were some very sad stories, but the majority were positive stories and practically all of the women had much higher levels than mine!

I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and that the Dr in America was extremely negligent in what he had said to me.

Through this I have tried not to involve the girls too much because I don't want them to be upset because of how I am feeling or because they could think there is something wrong with their new sibling.
But sadly I am resenting Glen at the moment, he gets to continue to live his single baby free life in New York, he goes out every weekend, while I feel forgotten by him and he's able to distance himself from all of this, while I struggle to cope with everything that gets thrown my way.

There's about 6 1/2 weeks to go until I can hold my little one and there'll be no more googling for me

Good News! Visa Approved!!!!!

Just when I thought our case officer had gone on holidays.....

Glen got a call this morning to say his Visa has been approved!

I am so happy! Lots of happy tears

I was so worried that he'd have to go back to New York a few weeks after the baby arrives, so this is the best news that we could have hoped for :)

It's a beautiful day, month, year, life

Thank you for emails from concerned people, I appreciate it.

Quick update on the baby front...
can't believe there's only 7 1/2 weeks to go!!!

I luckily have a brilliant Obstetrician at JHH who took the time to answer my list of questions, he's also very much for vaginal deliveries after cesareans.
He did a quick scan to check my fluid and said that it hadn't increased which is great! And the baby has turned, it's head down and is still extremely active.

We're kind of ready for the baby. Over the years I have hoarded so much stuff that there's no room for the baby or Glen, plus we live in a tiny 2 bedroom flat, I have been cleaning things slowly, but we're getting there, trying to decide whether markets or a garage sale would be the right way to go. Attempting to make room for Glen's stuff in my cupboard is difficult, I have the most gorgeous, ethereal, gothic, feminine, princess, hippy, etc dresses and I am struggling to part with any of them! Hope all he needs to put in there is a couple of shirts and a suit lol

Things are progressing though, I was trying to decide what kind of car seat I should get, and then I got a sheep skinned lined baby capsule for free! Got the pram off ebay, brand new from a lovely lady in Mayfield who I still keep in contact with, there's lots of clothes, just need somewhere for the little one to sleep when it gets home, I have a beautiful antique hooded basinette that I bought when I was pregnant with A, I need to get it out of the garage (yes I said I was a hoarder, I keep everything) and scrub it and keep it in the sun for a while when all this dust and wind settles down. I've got a new tea tree mattress for it, so looks like all I need now is Glen to get here in 18 days 22 hours and 28 minutes and then for labour to start :)

I have been thinking about my life last year, I was abused and struggling to find my strength. Reading a blog post I wrote a year ago and I found this..

A "asked me why I was happy today, I told her that if I spent the morning miserable then that is how I would spend my day and isn't it better to have a happy day"
And this
"I said to my mother "what did I do to deserve to be treated like this for so long?" and straight away I answered my own question, I believe that this is a small dark dead end alley on my path, I was given this because I needed it to move on and find my strength, so I am ok."

I found my strength, with the help of many people. Last year I would never have guessed that within a year I would be engaged to a man I have loved for 11 years, and having a baby.
I can honestly say I have no regrets for what the abuser put me through, because it took that to get me where I am now.

I hope everyone has the happies :)

But it's not cooked enough yet

I had contractions yesterday at 3pm til about 4.15pm.
I didn't realise they were regular, but I was on the phone to a friend who was actually timing them and they were every 5 minutes.
They weren't braxton hicks contractions, they were low and painful.
I called the hospital, they were reassuring and wonderful. Thankfully the contractions stopped and I didn't need to go to in.

There's just too many unexplained things going on, why the high blood pressure for 15 weeks that suddenly disappeared? the anemia? the polydramnios? my baby being small?

I read that polyhydramnios with a small baby can indicate a chromosomal abnormality

I'm scared there's something wrong and it just isn't being picked up on the scans

Why isn't there a help line for pregnant woman who feel like they're about to lose it?

Polyhydramnios - my baby has an olympic pool

Had to blog this tonight because it's my birthday tomorrow and I don't want to cry tomorrow.

I had a scan today because my beautiful baby belly is big and it turns out that I have too much amniotic fluid, it's called "Polyhydramnios"
It can indicate that there's some kind of abnormality, but they've reassured me that our little one looks absolutely perfect, but that's not always 100%. It could mean that because there is lots of room in my belly, the baby will happily stay transverse and I wont get a vaginal delivery which is something I really wanted to experience.

There could be other reasons for the excess fluid, but who knows.
Information on Polyhydramnios

The baby is measuring small for dates and as I was only in New York for 2 weeks and Glen is definitely the father.. we know the dates aren't out, but good news it's not small enough to worry about.

I have to have another scan in 4-6 weeks, I'll wait til Glen gets here in 6 weeks.

I am so in love with my little one, it has the most adorable face, I can't wait til I can smother it with kisses :)

Cranky pants, a baby belly, 29 weeks and finally a date!

Not much has happened in the last few weeks, I spend most of my time at home because of the anemia and my back ache, they exhaust me, but both are improving.
Weight gain is still tearing up the charts making me into super blimp, but what should I expect when I don't move much because I'm so tired all day every day. Can't wait til the water is warmer so I can do laps down at the ocean pool.

Cranky pants are directed are directed at Vodafone, their service has been super crap over the last couple of months, every few weeks I can't send texts to Glen, one time it lasted almost 2 weeks! And when I ring and talk to someone from India, we go through the same thing over and over, put this into your phone, do that, does it work now... and I am always polite, they're only doing their job, but I really want to scream!

The visa process has been ridiculous. After over a month we still don't have a case officer, they don't answer questions when Glen calls, it's very frustrating considering people who have put their forms in after us have a case officer and their visas are being processed. I think they're punishing us because they think we got pregnant on purpose, and considering I never thought I'd ever be able to get pregnant again, they're very very wrong.

Glen is coming out here in October regardless of whether there is a visa or not, he has to come out on a visitors visa, so it's only for 3 months and he'll have to go back, he has to be here for the birth in November. But as soon as he leaves America, his prospective spouse visa will go on hold, they'll stop processing it, so he'll be back in America in January, and then god knows when they'll grant the visa.

There'll be no wedding before the baby is born, which is disappointing, but we can't get married without the visa, we're talking about having a Handfasting, and then off for a hornymoon, we'd like a few days away, to lay in the sun, just relaxing without having to take a newborn with us.

I'm now 29 weeks, can't believe how quick it has gone!
I am big for my weeks so my dr wants me to have a scan to check on amniotic fluid etc, so next week, the day before my birthday, we have another scan, can't wait to see my little one again :)

I've been taking photos for Glen and yesterday I fell in love with my belly again. I know it would be hard for people to understand, but it's a head thing, I'd convinced myself I'd never be able to get pregnant again, and I had been so overweight for so long that sometimes when I see my reflection, I forget I'm pregnant and just see myself from a year or more ago when I was very overweight and unhappy. I only had a few weeks of being a size 12-14 this year before I got pregnant, seeing pictures of my belly yesterday, helps me remember that I am pregnant and a lot of my weight gain is due to really being pregnant :)

Like I said, it's a head thing... I am blessed and my belly is beautiful

Isn't this a lovely trip :)

Have had an eventful few weeks. Ups and downs and round and rounds

My visa stuff for Glen went 'missing'. Australia Post did their job of getting it to America within 3 days of me mailing it and then *poof* it disappeared. I paid for registered post and I will never ever do that again, cos as I have found on my numerous googles, they supposedly hang on to registered post articles for some reason. Why they would do this is beyond me. Glen and I both made numerous phone calls to USPS (United States Postal Service) Customs in LA and to Australia Post, and no one could/would tell us anything except what we could see for ourselves on the USPS website, which says That it was in LA awaiting delivery!
But it was delivered 8 days ago! (a month after I sent it) and the website still says it's in LA! hopeless hopeless hopeless!!!!

It was extremely stressful actually, because of the amount of info that was in that envelope that I would have to get done again. My friends who wrote the support statements were both going through their own personal problems, death and illness, and even though I made them aware of what was going on, I would never tell them to hurry up and write new statements. One of them was angry at me because she was worried that her identity would be stolen?! yeah hers would be stolen even though all that I had of her was a photocopied page of her passport, in that envelope was every damn identifying paper and photo that anyone could ever want of me. Luckily the papers were delivered about 4 hours after I spent hours and hours photocopying everything that I had to do to resend. After lots of tears (lots n lots n lots) our applications are at the embassy in Washington DC. If you're wondering why it took us this long to send our forms in, it's because the FBI took 5 months(!!!!!!!!!) to send Glen his report which was needed for the application.

I'm almost 6 months pregnant now, it's exciting and challenging.
Feeling this little one beating me on the inside is funny and the girls think it's hilarious watching her use me as a kicking/punching bag.
Blood pressure is perfect, weight is just zooming up, blah whatever, atleast I am strecth mark free, Glen still thinks I'm beautiful and I get compliments which is really lovely :)
Boo didn't help when one day she said "You dress like you've given up" lol trackies are comfy and I have eczema on my breast so I don't like wearing a bra, usually wear them when I leave the house, but that's it. The eczema came up when I was stressing about my Visa papers and it wont go away, can't use my steroid cream, and tea tree oil hasn't been proven safe in pregnancy. I'll have to ask my Doc, I'll write it on my hand because when I see her I forget about my breast.
It's hard to get in to see her at the moment.
Started having the dizzies, fast heart rate, short of breath etc, Just sitting at the computer or talking on the phone for a few minutes has me puffed and dizzy.
Tried getting into my Dr, no can do it was going to take over a week. Was quite bad last Friday, called Dr again, got a good receptionist who told me no appointments for over a week and a half and I said "what, does everyone think they've got swine flu" she said "exactly"
I explained what was going on, she said she'd talk to my Dr and get back to me, 15 mins later she called back and said my Dr wanted to see me that day. VERY happy about that. Spent the morning with my friend and if I wasn't with her I would have called an ambulance, I was in a bad way, apparently I was grey, nice complexion and I would have loved to have passed out, it would have been better than how I was while sitting in a chair.
Dr thinks I'm anemic, which I laughed at because at the time it was funny :)
She laughed at me when I was sitting on the chair because I was kind of spread out bogan like with my big belly, I said "Yes I know I'm huge" and she said "just think of the present you'll get at the end" and I said "Yep diamond earrings" she laughed, but I'm serious :)
So Glen, emerald cut diamonds, to match my engagement ring will be nice, thanks.

I am loving being pregnant though, it's a big difference to when I was pregnant with the girls, they were easy pregnancies (hell deliveries). I'm going to slow down on wearing jeans and tshirts, my tops ride up and Boo always feels like she has to pull it down for me lol I put a dress on yesterday and fell in love with my belly :)
I feel so feminine and blessed. I never thought we would get pregnant so easily, this baby just melts my heart, I adore every bump, kick, tumble that she does inside of me, I can't wait to meet her.

Names for our little one have been interesting, the boy was kind of easy, because Glen has a thing for the name Magnus, I refused but then gave in and said we could have it as a middle name because it's important to Glen and Glen's important to me.
So Saxon Magnus for a boy, both very strong, masculine names and the Magnus part has grown on me.
The girl's name is a bit harder though, we keep settling and I keep changing my mind. I've always loved the name Gisele, ever since I saw my dad's birth certificate and saw that his mum's name was Gisella, Boo was almost Gisele. We've settled on the first name as being Gisele, but I keep changing the middle name, I can't even remember what we had a few months ago, but now I like Gisele Rosalia, Rosalia was my dad's grandma's name. I like it, it's old fashioned and pretty. But now I like Gisele Aurelia (or ray lee yah) I just think Aurelia is so beautiful! and has a kind of mystical calmness about it.

Can't believe there's only 3 months left!! It's gone so quick!

shower time :)

xx