Just Breathe

My mood changed last week after having been so good for so long..
Having realised what it was that caused it, I took measures so it doesn't happen again. I am enjoying the way my mind is working now, having had it be a foggy mess for too long.

The economy isn't the best, Christmas is coming, people are worried.
I have a tiny flat, a mountain of bills, a buggered right arm, and a smile that isn't leaving my face

This has been a fantastic week, Mr Rudd's little bonus will come in handy, we're deciding as a family where it should go. I cashed in some flybuys points to get some KMart vouchers for buying Christmas pressies, I got a survey worth 600 points which will get me a $50 fuel card, my rehabilitation place is giving me $150 to cover 3 of my counselling sessions (must send the receipts tomorrow) My neighbour took me out to dinner, nice guy.. his massive German Shepherd dog loves me.. I'm supposedly the first person Tal (the dog) has adored, he doesn't bark at me, I can walk into mickscott's yard and Tal brings me his ball...hahaha very funny because he's a guard dog :)

One day at a time, breathe through everything, relax, ask myself questions, take my vitex agnus castus, unclutter my house (I'm still working on the loungeroom, and I'm still enjoying it) take a break when I need it, do yoga, go swimming... life truly is wonderful :)

Super excitingly MOIST!

Everyone will be happy to know that I bought my vitex agnus castus and therefor should no longer have that debilitating PMT(S) (can't believe I went all american and used pms)
I think I associated it with the abuser because I couldn't understand why I was bawling and just decided it would have to be about him cos what else do I have to be unhappy about.
It was very nice being in time with the full moon, it's rare for me to get them so to happen on a full moon was special for me :)

Earlier this week I made a decision to put tafe on hold and I'm still trying to get my head around it, but I think it's the right thing to do.I am taking too much endone or oxycontin because my elbow hurts from the writing or from typing too much, and I actually need to concentrate and have a clear head and those two pills make it impossible for me to be able to think clearly.
I need to get other things sorted first.
I was told I need another surgery on my arm.
And I am having a big clutter clean out, clutter from my mind and home and only two days in I am feeling good. It's taking ages because....
"hello my name is Tania and I am a hoarder, it's been six days since I've bought something that I don't really NEED"

Yes I am a hoarder but everything has it's place, the bookshelves are done in category and height, the crystals are done in patterns that mean something to me etc etc
I am enjoying my clean out, I'm still doing the loungeroom, it's been two days, but I've done everything from put the playstation games into alphabetical order (Buzz big quiz comes before Buzz monsters... yes yes I have issues), sort cables and plug the dvd and video into the stereo correctly to moving furniture and putting my crystals where I can see them better. I never thought I'd admit it, but I am enjoying cleaning, LOVING cleaning, cleaning PROPERLY. The only problem is is that when it's done I will be even more OCT(D) so doing it slowly will be better

BUT
my super moistalicious thing is that the Amazing Race is back on tv tonight YAY!!!!!!
I have been watching it since it was on tv at 10.30pm or later, way way back when I was living in Wollongong.
YOU HAVE BEEN PHILIMINATED
YAY YAY YAY!!!!
HAPPY DANCE

p.s I miss you Lisa

Are you kidding me???

This was PMS?!!!
I cried for five days, popped a pretty pink pill, thought that my happy pills weren't working and felt like my good work had gone to hell all because of PMS?!

It explains the 500 grams of cadbury hazelnut chocolate hahaha

but wow, I haven't had PMS this bad for many many years, for my sanity and theirs, I am going to get some vitex agnus castus tomorrow, it was the only thing that helped all those years ago :)

(and no, I have no idea about my dates for periods and pms because of PCOS)

Non medicated amusement :)

Ok listen up
quit chucking crap my way... ok? seriously, no more. I think I've shown that I can climb out of that dark horrid place way too many times, so enough is enough.

This comment sticks with me

As usual the Goddess always chooses to test us when we feel that we have become strong.You have grown, yes you have, and know the Goddess is saying..."show me how much!".....Don't let this drive you back...let it be an opportunity for you to find a way round this....w.w.

It turns on a bit of a light to think this way and to know that sometimes a test is good.

But I'm starting to think the Goddesses are laughing at me, sitting there, watching the world, drinking champagne, slightly tipsy, playing a game..

"what can we throw at her now.. how about this?
*kapow*
"hahaha nooooo we can do better than that"
*zap*
"awww she's crying..pfft lightweight.."

It's a little bit funny to think of it this way, and does amuse me (I amuse easily)
And surprisingly helps me be stronger.

It's all good :)

It's a dark tunnel

I've been feeling like I'm sinking back into a place I have no desire to go again.

I had an appt with Prince William on Wednesday morning and since then I have been crying, not just a few tears, but heart breaking sobs. Every day.

I had been doing so well and then all of a sudden I started crying during my appt. William said that it was good because I was finally in the grief stage. Not grieving because of missing the abuser, but grieving over the loss of what the relationship wasn't, it wasn't nurturing, supportive and loving. I think with this grieving process I have also added in the grief of my marriage breaking up and also the break up of my long term relationship before the abuser. All things that I hadn't dealt with properly. And it is destroying me. I try and do my mantras, I try and occupy myself, but I am in such a low place right now that I feel like I can't pull myself up and out of it.

The mantras are quickly forgotten and I am rolled up in a ball in bed and crying like my heart will never mend

But in being so down, I've been forgetting the abuse and I am missing him so much AND I HATE THAT.

I have to keep reminding myself

he abused me
physically emotionally mentally spiritually

nothing I did was good enough

I have to keep telling myself
I am really not missing him as a person, I am missing the person I wish he could have been

But what if one day he is the person I hope he'll be and I've missed that chance?

I truly loved him
I have to stop defending him

I never understood how abused women stay
but I learned why

I am supposedly grieving and I want to sleep I want to stop crying but I feel like there is no light

Ahhh... I needed that

We spent three days in Wollongong and it was wonderful!

We lived there for 9 years, moved back to Newcastle early 2003, and have only visited friends once in the last 5 years. So it was good to go back down.

First thing we did was go to the Nan Tien Temple

I went there a lot when I lived in Wollongong, it was my 'run away' place, it's very peaceful.

This weekend was the most amount of people I have ever seen there! I used to go early when the majority of tourists weren't there. There are so many beautiful things to see, I didn't notice any changes, and I definitely have to go there for a meditation retreat weekend, anyone else interested???

The guides are more than happy to answer any questions and are really lovely people. I used to know what all the colours on the statues were for, I knew why their hands were in the position they were, and now the only things I can remember are that their long earlobes are for long life and the swastika symbol is actually a reverse to the Nazi swastika, because if you were to spin them the Buddhist symbol would spread energy out and the Nazi symbol would drag it into the centre.
It bothers me that I have forgotten almost everything :(

It's a beautiful place to wander, so many things to see, the museum has some amazing artefacts etc
The restaurant is all you can eat vegetarian and is delicious!!
Yes I think I weekend there is what I need.

Long time ago I'd wander through Corrimal and I would always
go into Boz's shop. It was a unique little shop down there, full of crystals, books, jewellery, clothes, incense, candles, soaps etc etc etc Eventually I'd talk more to Boz, I didn't really know many people in Wollongong, so I'd go and visit Boz and we'd chat, then I started working there occasionally and I LOVED it, being in there was special. If I was still in Wollongong, I'd definitely still be working with her.

Anyway... Boz and John closed the shop and created a beautiful oasis at their home in Mangerton. I couldn't believe it when I walked through the gate! It was so different to how it was 5 years ago. They should be so proud of themselves! They've always wanted to work from home, so they built a little studio, where they can do all sorts of therapies and waxing, tanning etc, It's called NuYu (which is what the shop was called) They have been studying for years and are such wonderful people, who are so good at what they do.

John did a Microcurrent treatment for the pain in my elbow and I can definitely notice a difference.
So if you're ever in Wollongong go and see Boz
and John :)

We went to Berry and Kiama, to wander through the shops and the markets. I bought crystals and macadamia oil.
But my favourite find was all the sea glass!! I was in sea glass heaven. Wandering along the shore, we found so much glass, I wish I didn't have to come home yesterday, I could've spent hours finding more. We got pieces of purple and cobalt blue! rare pieces! All because Allira wanted to see how cold the water was.


So now we're home and relaxed and I am looking forward to going back. And an Outback Steakhouse has opened in Fairy Meadow (near Wollongong) I Loved going there in NY, hope their Alice Springs chicken tastes as good here.
So who wants to come for a meditation retreat? :)

I'M GOING FLIPPIN MENTAL(ER)!!!!!

so tired
can't sleep

so tired
can't sleep


can't sleep


can't sleep


hmmm.... wide awake at the moment

legs covered in spots

so itchy

scratch scratch scratch

then bleed

feeling crap,

like my tummy is full of peanut butter,

but isn't

and no I don't want to buy a friggin H2O Mop!!
or ProActive
or natural makeup

I asked Dr Google... and he says that sleep issues are possibly caused by going off lyrica

have been having sleep issues for a few days

NOT HAAAAPPPY!

going to try a hot shower and then some hot chocolate