Spring cleaning in Autumn

I had another Epiphany. They're great, when I have one I feel like my life has new clarity and I can see things getting better. Yay for me
I realised that old simple saying "life is too short"
So I decided to spring clean my life a little earlier than spring. I am getting rid of the people in my life who bring me down, who make false promises and who make me question everything about myself. Guess what? you people suck and need to find something better to do with your lives.
To my ex-husband R, You haven't seen or contacted your daughters in 6 years even though you know exactly where they are, you think that $21 child support a month is enough. You are so lucky being able to have a cash in hand job, your dream was to make surfboards, and I am glad you are living your dream, it just shits me that you can cheat the tax department and the child support agency, most of all it shits me that you can cheat your daughters out of a father. For a special ed qualified teacher, you really don't care about children too much.
To my ex-boy Ad, you're an alcoholic, don't call me and cry about how it was only one drink, that you wont do it again, guess what I don't care, I'm sick of caring about how you fuck your life up....The surfboard is going on ebay for $1 :) ahh see I feel better already.
To Voldemort.. hey guess what dickhead, you have a girlfriend, you love her remember?, you conveniently forgot about her for a few weeks, if you don't want me to tell her about what you tried to do, then quit contacting me, there's a reason I don't answer your messages or phone calls, you're a dick of the worst kind
I wish I wasn't so fucking needy!!! I wish I was happy spending a lot of time on my own, but I crave having someone hold me and make me feel like I'm beautiful and special. I am worried i am going to jump straight into another relationship to get over the last one and that wouldn't be fair on the poor bastard that comes next.
I need to find peace within myself. I have had too many people in my life not give a damn about my feelings, I care about people too much, and now it's time for me to start caring about myself, I've said it so many times, but this time I need to do it. I never thought I would be in my thirties and single, I thought I would have the husband the 2 kids (got those and they're amazing) the house and the picket fence. I've held myself back from all the happiness that I deserve. I've believed too many people, put my faith in them and blamed myself for being so stupid. I am gullible, I know that. Maybe I thought I would be a better person by having someone love me. It's human nature to love and want to be loved.
Even though there have been people in my life, a lot of the time I've felt really alone. I guess I am scared of being alone, I don't want to die alone, and I don't want to live a life without being with my true love and I don't want to be the crazy lady with 60 cats that the kid's tell scary stories about and dare each other to come and knock on the door and then run away screaming before I throw a cat at them.

First ever fat taunt!

I've never had one before, that I've known about anyway.
Even when I weighed 101kgs, I never heard anyone make fun of me, today a kid decided it was time.
I went to my youngest daughter's school for her Easter Hat Parade, as I was walking down the stairs at the school, I saw her and she yelled at some boy.....When I asked her what happened, she said the typical kid thing "nothing" I pushed because she looked so cranky and hurt.
"A tell me what happened"
"Jordan made a fat joke"
My heart sunk, I knew it must have been about me
"What did he say?"
"Mum no"
"A...tell me"
"He went like this (she puffed up her cheeks and used her arms to make the shape of a fat person and started waddle walking... and said) I'm A's mum give me some chocolate"
Wow, I was shocked, and hurt.
Today I was feeling good about myself, I'd had a really good swim this morning, pushed myself hard and cut 5 minutes off my 1km time. I was wearing dark denim jeans that I bought in a "Normal" shop and a white top. I thought I looked good :(
I suppose what shits me so much, is the well meaning people who say "You look good" "You're not overweight" blah blah blah when it's so obvious that I AM overweight. I know this kid is only 10, but kids tell the truth.
It totally destroyed every good feeling I had about myself, stupid little shit.
Haven't I had an awesome week!! oh yeah :)

Buckcherry song 6

Why is that when something goes wrong in your life, pain in other areas are amplified, or maybe the other pains have already been there, you just haven't felt miserable enough to feel them. Happy endorphans make the world a shinier place, so maybe that's why I haven't felt how bad the sharp pain in my arm is until now.
I broke my elbow skateboarding over 12 months ago, I have been in pain ever since, well maybe not the whole time, the last cortisone injection hurt like a bitch but the pain stayed away for a while, and now it's back, shooting pain down my right arm from my elbow to my wrist almost up to my little finger, but most of my hand actually feels quite numb. I'm starting to look forward to the surgery I'm supposed to be having soon that will hopefully fix it.
I wish I wasn't such an emotional person, I never used to be, I think it must have started when I had kids, but then stopped when I got divorced, I was depressed, and that was when I took pleasure in other people's pain, sounds horrible but it made me feel like my life wasn't so bad when someone was hurting worse than me. Websites like Rotten made me feel better, sad but true, if I could laugh at the photos there, it made my world a whole lot brighter, I'm sure there's some kind of psychological study there.
The emotions started again when I let myself fall in love. For four years he and I have been on and off, we lived together, I did everything to make his life easier. We had some really good times, no one makes me laugh like he does, I loved Thursday nights when he would come over and watch Amazing Race, it's the little things that mean everything to me. We had some shocking times too, especially when we were in court every fortnight for many months fighting his ex-wife so he could see his children, it cost us emotionally, physically and finacially, it also played a part in us breaking up, for the past 17 months we've been broken up, but we're still a constant in each others lives. I didn't understand why we still talked every day, saw each other often, and did 'couple things' but there couldn't be a committment. I needed that, I am so sick of not having anyone to share things with, to snuggle with and someone to just make me feel like I'm not alone in this world. I tried to start seeing someone else, I tried to get on with my life, but I wasn't treated so well, and I screwed up. I was made to feel like I had cheated, but how can you cheat on a friend, he has since apologised and I have accepted it, but his reaction still confuses me.
So I did something I've never done before, I gave an ultimatum, I know they're never good, but I can't stay friends, I read something that said that staying friends is masochistic, because you're allowed to see your "friend" but you're not allowed to have anything more than "friendship", and that can be painful.
We did it over and after dinner last night, listening to Buckcherry will never be the same. I'm glad we didn't go to the restaurant that we normally go to, I want to go back there oneday :)
Anyway the night ended in tears from both of us. He said "I love you" I said "You don't, don't say that" I wanted to scream it, but I didn't want the neighbours to hear. How can someone say I love you, but be prepared to let that person go? am I wrong in thinking that 17 months is a long time for a person to make up their mind?
It should be easy for me, there were things that happened that made me feel very low, I know I deserved better, I always hoped that I would get what I want, I suppose I will, just not yet and as hard as it is to admit... probably not from him.
We started as friends and we agreed that we will always be friends, that part of us will never change.

I made myself a man

I found a new toy, it doesn't need batteries either! (but it's not as much fun ;)
Virtual model
You can make a virtual model of yourself, it's supposedly so you can see what you'll look like in clothes before you buy them online, but I made a few of them, from my start weight down to my goal weight, going down in lots of 10kgs. I copied them all, front, side and back views so I can print them. I wanted to see how I'll look as the weight goes down and what I should look like when I'm done. Yes it would be easier to take photos, but I don't have anyone to do that for me at the moment and I don't really want to say to my daughters "come here and take photos of mummy in undies"
The other fun thing you can do with virtual model is you can make a guy, any kind of guy you want I know.. it's awesome isn't it!
How hot is my sexy boy! Ahh my life is so exciting.
So my virtual dummies are my thrill for the moment!
Well that and I passed my visual basic.net assessment so I don't have to do the fucker again.

Swimming has paid off!
Cos I found $2 at the bottom of the pool! yay for me!!

I am still loving swimming lots of laps. I bought some goggles because my eyes were aching, now I just need a swim cap, I have too much hair. Long, gorgeous, wavy, soft, blonde hair. If hairdressers consider below the shoulders to be long hair... then what do they think my waist length hair is???

Note to self...

I should check the tides, I should also read the news

Big friggin waves off coast

Check out the pic, I took it this morning, BEFORE I noticed the waves were big. Normally the pool is quite defined, there are rocks on three sides and a kiddy pool in the front.

I woke up about 6:20am, had an argument in my head about getting up while it's still mostly dark and the part of me that wants to be swimming in the dark won, the lazy bitch part gave in with a big mental yell of "FINE"
So I drive to the beach/pool, thinking I'm great and missing those summer mornings when the temperature is already 28 at 6am. First thing I see is a guy getting rescued off Dixon Park Beach. Ok waves are looking pretty darn big, that shouldn't matter to me though, I'm going in the pool, think again! the pool was getting swamped with big waves. I still wanted to go swimming cos the scales went down big time last night. There aren't many people swimming and there are no towels on the benches, guess why.. go on guess.. cos the waves were so big they were going over the pool, over the walkway and into the kiddy pool, and even though the walkway is covered in water I'm not smart enough to put my stuff anywhere but on a bench near the big pool, my stuff wont get wet, my thongs wont float away.
I didn't have far to go to get into the water, it was one big pool, I start swimming, whacked with a wave, yeah I can handle this, just like swimming in the ocean... the ocean has bitey things... hmm..waves are huge.. bitey things can get swept in with the big waves... oh shit...
now anyone who knows me, knows that I am freaked about swimming in anything that isn't a pool and isn't an area of water where I can see the bottom. I do go surfing (yes I have) and I do go swimming at the beach, but it's always in crystal clear water. I don't swim in creeks, lakes, rivers etc, unless I can see the bottom. If I am in dark scary water I panic. I was determined to keep swimming and not think about the great whites that could have been swept into the pool with the mega waves. Ok one lap done, turn around in enough time to see the water about 5cm below my stuff! oh shit again! I need to swim back quick.. pfft yeah right lol
When I was near my stuff another nice guy about 60 in speedos, laughed and said "oh the water got so close" ha ha ha "thought it was all going to get swept away"
wanker
Those couple of laps were tough, swimming against the waves was a good workout, and I regret not swimming more, but my clothes were wet and I do love my Roxy thongs, so I went home, but I am not defeated, I will be back there tomorrow.. when it's low tide ofcourse.

Just keep swimming...just keep swimming la la la

I've had a little bit of a binge lately, and it's been fun, but it's also gone straight to .. well everywhere! Saint Patrick's day night was one of the best nights out I've had in years and the following week was a busy haze of tafe, junk food, and kid's things, so this morning I decided to go swimming, it was a quick decision cos I woke up at 8:30 and the girls were ready to leave for school, I don't normally sleep in, I'm usually up before 7, but the little darlings let me sleep, so while I was still half asleep I thought some laps would be a good idea.
I get to the pool and there were about 20 people doing laps. The ocean pool is awesome, it's huge, it's fed by the ocean (obviously) and it gets cleaned regularly. I stood there looking at it, lots of people, me not so sexy in swimmers... should I or shouldn't I?
A guy about 70 wearing speedos said "You should hurry up they're closing at 9:30 for cleaning"
"hmm... I should go home then" I say happily cos it means I get out of exercising
"NOoooo get your half an hour in" he was quite encouraging
And luckily he was, because instead of turning around and going home, I went down to the pool, undressed as quickly as possible and got in the water.
The best thing about living in Australia, is that even though it's autumn here, the water was beautiful! and I started swimming, and I swam for the half an hour I had left and I remembered how much I love swimming!
When I was younger I would go to that pool and swim laps for hours, I'd swim kilometres and love every moment of it. It was a bit harder today I didn't quite do a kilometre, but I was close!
When I got out of the water, I felt exhilerated! like I could jog home (not bloody likely though) I drove around Newcastle with a smile on my face and my heart beating a bazillion miles an hour cos I am so out of shape :) but I felt great.
I'll be back in the pool tomorrow morning before tafe, seriously!

Don't worry there wont be a nude calender

I am in so much pain!
On saturday my girls and I walked over to the shopping village in the next town, it's good exercise and there was a lingerie sale (I can't help it, I'm addicted) All my little darlings wanted was a soccer ball, B is a really good player, used to be on a school team when we lived in Wollongong, she really should be back on a team up here, something I need to look into. Ok, so anyway, we got the soccer ball and I got lingerie. We walk home past a huge park, so they want to play with the ball, I want to go home, they start kicking the ball around and pretty soon I've put down my bags and am kicking with them, barefoot and running around like a Matilda (exactly like one ok) We had so much fun! B keeps yelling "you're winning by losing mum!!"
(She'd read that on a fatty book)
So about an hour later we go home, my foot is bruised! I sit down on the lounge, they put a spongebob dvd on and pretty soon I'm fast asleep (huh?!) I didn't think kicking a ball around would exhaust me so much, I'm still a bit confused about that.
So the next day we decide to go and do it again (minus the lingerie shopping) I call D and ask him to bring his son C to play too (I know, my girls are A&B and we have D (the sweet guy) and his son C.. pity I didn't get my sister's name which starts with an E) This time I wore trackies (too sexy) and sneakers so I wouldn't bruise my foot, plus I had to have two pony tails just cos they're cute. So A, B, C, D and me played soccer for a couple of hours and I'm still "winning by losing" and today I'm sore! ouch ouch ouch even my butt hurts!
It didn't stop me going lingerie shopping today though hehehe
My mummy and I went to Tuggerah outlet stores, bras and things have really cheap stuff, I bought the el fako leather stuff, corset with matching g-string (I'll have to buy a riding crop, I have the FM boots already) my poor mummy almost needed to be revived "why are you buying that?!"
"Because if I am going away for a dirty weekend, then I want to make it worth his while" I said
"But but but" poor mum "wont you sweat in that?"
"no mum I doubt it will be on for long... why don't you get one and make dad's year?"
It cost me all of $9.95, I need to do something about this lingerie thing, I have to stop buying it!!!

My other big thrill of the day is going into Jeans West and trying on a normal pair of jeans, not the biggest size in the store, and they fit! I pulled them up, they got over my arse and they did up comfortably! even though there were thinny mirrors in the dressing room.. I looked good, I wanted to cry and run out screaming "look at me!!! normal jeans from a jeans shop!!!! not fat fake size 16 jeans from a fat chick shop!!!" See there's a thing happening at fat chick shops, 16/26 and fat options at target (I'm still allowed to call it that) size their clothes to make us sexy fat chicks feel good, I fit into size 16 jeans at 16/26 and fat options, but do you think I could fit into a 16 pair of jeans at jeans west or just jeans? hell nooooo, so fitting into jeans at a 'normal' shop is my biggest recent achievement, well that and not dying after playing soccer yesterday :)