Well I've had my big 2009 wake up slap from the universe and we're only a few weeks in!
I questioned myself a lot last week, and one of the reasons which I didn't write about was because during a run last Tuesday night, an invisible being stuck a red hot poker into my chest, left side of my breast. Holy crap it hurt!
I stopped running of course and walked the rest of the way home. The pain went away.. and the googling started, maybe it was from xenical, maybe from pushing myself too hard, maybe anxiety, maybe just maybe.. heart issues. Well crap.
Wednesday... I walked little one to school, the pain came again, duller, but still there with every step I took. Pain moved up my chest and was very uncomfortable, but settled when I rested, I cut my exercising in half that day, wondered if I was doing too much, wondered if I stopped doing what I was doing would my weight balloon again.
Thursday... Tried to get into my doctor, no appts, maybe I should've mentioned chest pain and mental head, but I didn't. Made appt for tuesday 10th. Pain continuous throughout the day, only did the school walks. Starting to really worry about my heart. Napped on the lounge in the afternoon, everytime I moved the pain would come back, and this wasn't little ouchy pains this is 'holy wow wtf is happening' pain.
Bianca's birthday was the next day, had to be well. Made tiramisu for Bianca's birthday 'cake' (what can I say, I make awesome tiramisu and it's better than cake lol) and then drove myself off to John Hunter. Gawd.. 50 people in emergency waiting room... but mention chest pains and you zoom into a bed with 50 death stares behind you. I am so grateful to the the Doctor Bianca and the Nurse Rose who took such good care of me! My daughter's name is Bianca Rose so I thought that my doc and nurse having her name was a good sign :)
Wow test after test after test, ecg, heart monitor, chest xrays, blood tests etc, very thorough. Nurse Rose and I had a bit of a giggle when she told me that my resting heart rate is that of a 'very fit person'!! hahahaha not bad for being about 15kg overweight, I'm glad I lost that 22kgs, I'm very impressed with myself. They gave me nurofen, didn't work, they tried a horrid little cocktail they've christened a 'pink lady' which is xylocane and some other stuff which numbed the bejesus out of my throat, it felt like my airways were closing up. At 5am I said, I can go now right.. and just started getting dressed, I had to be home before Bianca woke up because it was her birthday and that was more important. I was told to take it easy and stop exercising for a few days.
Friday... a whole 2 hours sleep, Bianca's birthday, chest pains, couldn't nap, no idea how I didn't pass out from not sleeping my usual 9 hours. Lots of chewable disprin.
Phone call from the hospital "hello this is the cardiac dept, we need you to come in for a stress test, monday morning 10.30am and no exercising this weekend" oh crap again, right then.
I enjoyed my junk food for Bianca's birthday dinner, cocktail fish, scollops, chips and a couple of bites of Boo's burger and Tiramisu.... ooooooh my goodness yum!!!!
Yes I gained weight, it took all of 60 seconds to get over
Pains Saturday, more disprin, no exercising, relaxed feeding stingrays and sharks, very very relaxing, I loved it, no pains for hours after that. Have a look at the video I took of Bianca feeding the ray, so adorable!
Sunday.. no bad pains :) little twinges when walking for about 15mins on the beach.
Today.. pains walking Allira to school *sigh*
Stress test.. well that's a fun way to spend a morning. Debbie was great, very very impressed with the JHH staff that I have encountered during the last week.
It's all good though cos I finally got some good exercise walking and running 4kms on the treadmill at various gradients for 11 mins ;)
The good news is my heart is great, well I'm still waiting for the cardiologist's phone call to confirm it but I'm sure I'm healthy and they told me that my fitness levels are above average!!
The other good news is that I am awake and I understand that I have been pushing myself too hard.
Muscular Skeletal pains hurt, and I'd rather cut my exercise than continue with this pain.
so no more over doing it :)
Monday, February 9, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
where did 15 years go?
My beautiful girl is 15 today
What a joy to come out of a very long labour (thanks JHH)
She is an absolute wonder. A beautiful girl, with a giving, caring nature. I've never seen anyone put more of themselves into the things they find important, she is a very headstrong, intelligent person and can back herself with facts, but she can also accept the ideas of others
I am proud beyond words
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL :)
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Which one is the real me?
Just to warn you, this is about my weight ...
I see my reflection all through the day. I see myself in the mirrors, I see myself reflected in shop windows when I walk my daughter to school, I see myself in photos and I see myself in my mind, and I have no idea which one is the real me.
I've gone from the hundreds, to the nineties, through the eighties and now I'm in the seventies with a total of 22kgs gone. And I know that that is a great achievement! I honestly do. But everywhere I see myself....I look different and it's contributing to a bit of a downer this week.
Because I don't know what I look like
I just want to know who I am physically
The person I see in the bathroom mirror is tanned, with a thin-ish face, great eyes and lips and looks serene
The person I see in my wardrobe door mirror is curvy and saggy, with a jubbly tummy and stretch marky, but she looks good and I like seeing her :)
The person I see in windows.. wow is she me? she looks great! In proportion, happy. I do double takes when I see her (because I don't see her as me)
The person I see in photos is round, chubby faced, big thighs. I don't like her
The person I see in my mind is a lot bigger than photo me. I can't lose her. I want to, but she wont go, she wont lose weight, she is the big girl that wont leave me.
I have put so much of my life into pursuing my dream of being thin, that in the last few months I have turned my OCD(T) from making items 'perfect', into making myself my idea of my perfect. My idea of my perfect, involves stretch marks, scars, saggy boobs and womanly curves, I am not delusional enough to think that I could ever have a super model body, because how many woman actually have one and I really don't want or need one.
So now I exercise, and I exercise maybe a lot?
I exercise for maybe 4 hours a day, walking, swimming and run/jog/walking
I don't have an eating disorder
But I do fear food
Not healthy food.. I fear junk food. It's Boo's birthday on Friday, my gorgeous girl is 15 and because we don't have junk food anymore, she wants a hamburger, chips and scollops for her birthday dinner. I have been worried about this because I know how my body reacts with bad food. It was nothing for me to gain 2-3kgs a week on one junk food session! Yes it's true, very very true.
I'll have to find a happy place in my mind and remember why I am eating it, and I will eat it because it's her birthday and I wont upset her. I think she's worried enough about me.
I think part of it is that if I get one taste of that beautiful hamburger and the old fashioned chips.. I'll go back to eating it regularly, that I'll "fall off the wagon"
My friend Nathan said I am a hostage to my scales.
He said it perfectly
I weigh myself daily...and I write that down on my calender, and please don't say I should weigh myself weekly, because with the massive weight gains I've had, in short amounts of time, I need to know daily how I'm going, so I can make changes if needed.
I'm even making excuses for my clothes!
If my top is baggy I tell myself that it's because it was stretched in the wash
My jeans are baggy because they need a wash to shrink them or they were stretched in the wash/on the line etc
Am I crazy?
Is this a bad thing?
is it an obsession?
have I transferred my fears into this because it's something I can control?
am I using this to avoid other things?
should I go back to Prince William?
Or am I just normal and something clicked and I've finally got the hang of this weight loss health thing?
I see my reflection all through the day. I see myself in the mirrors, I see myself reflected in shop windows when I walk my daughter to school, I see myself in photos and I see myself in my mind, and I have no idea which one is the real me.
I've gone from the hundreds, to the nineties, through the eighties and now I'm in the seventies with a total of 22kgs gone. And I know that that is a great achievement! I honestly do. But everywhere I see myself....I look different and it's contributing to a bit of a downer this week.
Because I don't know what I look like
I just want to know who I am physically
The person I see in the bathroom mirror is tanned, with a thin-ish face, great eyes and lips and looks serene
The person I see in my wardrobe door mirror is curvy and saggy, with a jubbly tummy and stretch marky, but she looks good and I like seeing her :)
The person I see in windows.. wow is she me? she looks great! In proportion, happy. I do double takes when I see her (because I don't see her as me)
The person I see in photos is round, chubby faced, big thighs. I don't like her
The person I see in my mind is a lot bigger than photo me. I can't lose her. I want to, but she wont go, she wont lose weight, she is the big girl that wont leave me.
I have put so much of my life into pursuing my dream of being thin, that in the last few months I have turned my OCD(T) from making items 'perfect', into making myself my idea of my perfect. My idea of my perfect, involves stretch marks, scars, saggy boobs and womanly curves, I am not delusional enough to think that I could ever have a super model body, because how many woman actually have one and I really don't want or need one.
So now I exercise, and I exercise maybe a lot?
I exercise for maybe 4 hours a day, walking, swimming and run/jog/walking
I don't have an eating disorder
But I do fear food
Not healthy food.. I fear junk food. It's Boo's birthday on Friday, my gorgeous girl is 15 and because we don't have junk food anymore, she wants a hamburger, chips and scollops for her birthday dinner. I have been worried about this because I know how my body reacts with bad food. It was nothing for me to gain 2-3kgs a week on one junk food session! Yes it's true, very very true.
I'll have to find a happy place in my mind and remember why I am eating it, and I will eat it because it's her birthday and I wont upset her. I think she's worried enough about me.
I think part of it is that if I get one taste of that beautiful hamburger and the old fashioned chips.. I'll go back to eating it regularly, that I'll "fall off the wagon"
My friend Nathan said I am a hostage to my scales.
He said it perfectly
I weigh myself daily...and I write that down on my calender, and please don't say I should weigh myself weekly, because with the massive weight gains I've had, in short amounts of time, I need to know daily how I'm going, so I can make changes if needed.
I'm even making excuses for my clothes!
If my top is baggy I tell myself that it's because it was stretched in the wash
My jeans are baggy because they need a wash to shrink them or they were stretched in the wash/on the line etc
Am I crazy?
Is this a bad thing?
is it an obsession?
have I transferred my fears into this because it's something I can control?
am I using this to avoid other things?
should I go back to Prince William?
Or am I just normal and something clicked and I've finally got the hang of this weight loss health thing?
Friday, January 23, 2009
Where should it go? Opinions please :)
I am removing things from my house that The Abuser gave me, they've been hidden away for months, and because we are having a MASSIVE clean out, I am taking everything from him to the RSPCA op shop, but I have a big beautiful framed photo of Merewether Baths (where I swim almost daily) from Wide Horizons. I don't want to take it to the op shop and I don't want to sell it because I don't want to profit from anything that that person gave to me.
I was thinking of donating it somewhere...because it is a beautiful photo and I'd like it going somewhere that would make a lot of people as calm as it makes me.. until I remember who gave it to me.
Where would be a good place?
I was thinking about Ronald McDonald house, or the Gynaecology ward at the John Hunter because they took such good care of me when my ovary was almost exploding.
So.... any thoughts on other places I could donate it?
Have a nice Aussie Day long weekend :)
I was thinking of donating it somewhere...because it is a beautiful photo and I'd like it going somewhere that would make a lot of people as calm as it makes me.. until I remember who gave it to me.
Where would be a good place?
I was thinking about Ronald McDonald house, or the Gynaecology ward at the John Hunter because they took such good care of me when my ovary was almost exploding.
So.... any thoughts on other places I could donate it?
Have a nice Aussie Day long weekend :)
Monday, January 19, 2009
(now with pics) THIS is what I was waiting to write about...
I knew this day was coming, so I was holding off blogging until I could write this.. but then that letter arrived, blah whatever :)
Way way way back in 2005, I started this blog because I was doing a PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) weight loss study.
My weight when I started was 101kgs, which is 222.6 pounds or 16 stone.
I lost a little bit of weight through the study, gained it all back during a bad relationship... and finally now I can say....
As of this morning.......
I'VE LOST 20 KILOS!!!!!!!!!!!!
(44 pounds and 3.14 stone)
I am now 81kgs, (178.5 pounds and 12.7 stone)
I love exercising too.. wow!
I swim and run/walk/jog, and every day I can run a little bit further.
I feel so good inside.. going from a size 22-24 down to a size 14 makes me want to cry with happiness!
I still have at least 16 kgs to go and that first 20 was hard. I don't want to be super slim, I love being curvy.
Now that my head is in order and my life is flowing, the weight is finally dropping because I am happily putting the effort in.
I started using a weight loss helper about 9 weeks ago, (Thank you G and small man, for all of your help) and that little thing has totally changed the way I view food and has opened my eyes to the fact that I WILL lose weight and I am so grateful for it, with it I have lost 9kgs.
Oh Happy Day!!!!!!!
Friday, January 16, 2009
The catholic church can go fuck themselves... yes there's swearing
My mood is varying between anger and wanting to cry with frustration, so right now I am so fucking angry.
I married a dickhead, I had two children with that dickhead, we got divorced, dickhead and I had an agreement in regards to the girls, it worked out well for both of us, no complaints ever, dickhead got a bitch pregnant on the first date, bitch told dickhead that she.... "hates the daughters, wants them out of his life because they remind her of me" and that "he wouldn't see their child and child will not have his surname unless her demands were met" I know this because he told me.
Because dickhead is gutless prick, he agreed and started seeing the girls less and less, which was annoying because it meant I couldn't go out, and as of now he has spent 45 minutes with them since August 2000.
Dickhead and bitch wanted to get married, good for them, I didn't care, bitch wanted it in a catholic church, dickhead started an annulment proceeding with the catholic church in 2001.
Diocese (Disease?) of Wollongong contacted me by phone, by mail CONSTANTLY to go and have an interview with them, I said "No I will not attend because I did not force him into marrying me and you cannot tell me that my second daughter should not have been born" But they kept doing it and it upset me and I felt harassed, I told them to quit it, I wanted no part of it and if they kept contacting me I would go to the police to get them to stop. So their contact finally stopped.
My ex father in-law who still sees the girls, told me that the annulment didn't go through and they got married in an Anglican church, yay for them.
Today I get a letter from the Diocese of Lismore, cos dickhead and bitch moved up north to pursue his dream of making surfboards, good on him for living his dream, fuck him for defrauding child support and centrelink by saying he earns diddly squat yet can take nice surfing holidays in Bali, cash in hand is working out well for them, arseholes.
Their fucking letter states "...at the time of the contracting marriage, there was on your part and also on the plaintiff, a grave lack of discretion of judgement"
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!
You pack of fucking c*nts with your fucking catholic bullshit!!!
"A grave lack of discretion of judgement"
YOU FUCKWITS
What the hell does that mean? I DID NOT force him to marry me! We weren't 16!
No wonder a lot of people think the catholic system is archaic bullshit, because it is!!!
So I rang them.. and I was furious..
again I told them it was harassment and I don't need to know about it, because there is no way in this world I would ever get married in a catholic church again.
and I did say this "No God damned catholic church will EVER tell me that my second child shouldn't have been born" oh I yelled, a lot.
8 fucking years ago this started, why the hell is it happening again!!!
I screamed at the woman to never ever contact me again. So hopefully this is over. But I doubt it, because they think they can do no fucking wrong!
What gives a religious group the right to decide whether or not my marriage shouldn't have happened?! They disgust me.
Catholic Church you can take your annulments which involve normal, law abiding people, with no history of abuse or anything else that could mean a forced marriage and shove it up your fucking arses!!!
Stupid c*nts
I married a dickhead, I had two children with that dickhead, we got divorced, dickhead and I had an agreement in regards to the girls, it worked out well for both of us, no complaints ever, dickhead got a bitch pregnant on the first date, bitch told dickhead that she.... "hates the daughters, wants them out of his life because they remind her of me" and that "he wouldn't see their child and child will not have his surname unless her demands were met" I know this because he told me.
Because dickhead is gutless prick, he agreed and started seeing the girls less and less, which was annoying because it meant I couldn't go out, and as of now he has spent 45 minutes with them since August 2000.
Dickhead and bitch wanted to get married, good for them, I didn't care, bitch wanted it in a catholic church, dickhead started an annulment proceeding with the catholic church in 2001.
Diocese (Disease?) of Wollongong contacted me by phone, by mail CONSTANTLY to go and have an interview with them, I said "No I will not attend because I did not force him into marrying me and you cannot tell me that my second daughter should not have been born" But they kept doing it and it upset me and I felt harassed, I told them to quit it, I wanted no part of it and if they kept contacting me I would go to the police to get them to stop. So their contact finally stopped.
My ex father in-law who still sees the girls, told me that the annulment didn't go through and they got married in an Anglican church, yay for them.
Today I get a letter from the Diocese of Lismore, cos dickhead and bitch moved up north to pursue his dream of making surfboards, good on him for living his dream, fuck him for defrauding child support and centrelink by saying he earns diddly squat yet can take nice surfing holidays in Bali, cash in hand is working out well for them, arseholes.
Their fucking letter states "...at the time of the contracting marriage, there was on your part and also on the plaintiff, a grave lack of discretion of judgement"
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!You pack of fucking c*nts with your fucking catholic bullshit!!!
"A grave lack of discretion of judgement"
YOU FUCKWITS
What the hell does that mean? I DID NOT force him to marry me! We weren't 16!
No wonder a lot of people think the catholic system is archaic bullshit, because it is!!!
So I rang them.. and I was furious..
again I told them it was harassment and I don't need to know about it, because there is no way in this world I would ever get married in a catholic church again.
and I did say this "No God damned catholic church will EVER tell me that my second child shouldn't have been born" oh I yelled, a lot.
8 fucking years ago this started, why the hell is it happening again!!!
I screamed at the woman to never ever contact me again. So hopefully this is over. But I doubt it, because they think they can do no fucking wrong!
What gives a religious group the right to decide whether or not my marriage shouldn't have happened?! They disgust me.
Catholic Church you can take your annulments which involve normal, law abiding people, with no history of abuse or anything else that could mean a forced marriage and shove it up your fucking arses!!!
Stupid c*nts
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Does Australia Post hate everyone, or just me?
Why is that Aussie post loses our stuff?
Every Christmas this happens
Gifts for the girls that were sent from Wollongong two weeks ago haven't arrived and my gift from New York hasn't arrived...
Poor Glen felt so bad about my gift from him not being here for me to open on Christmas morning, that he spent almost $200 on flowers, wine and chocolates and guess what...............?
They didn't arrive either!!!!!!!!
I can't blame Australia Post on that one though.
But I will blame a supposed top Australian online florist... should I put the link in?
I wasn't going to wait another day, so I rang the florist this morning, they gave me a wark story about "malfunctioning computer due to the number of orders...."
uh huh...riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight....wow malfunctioning for a week.... and I know nothing about anything....
so basically... the florist couldn't be bothered doing the order.
I said "refund him"
We've had so many things go missing that it's a fingers crossed situation every time something gets posted to us. And it doesn't matter where it's being sent from. Stuff being sent now has to be insured and registered, and it shits me when I buy stuff on ebay in America that I can't get here, they get mailed and they end up in some unknown person's possession and I can't buy them again. Like my a standing teddy bear cake tin, my gorgeous highly sort after silver glitter peep toe stilettos (oh how I miss my silver glitter peep toes that I never got to wear!) And crystal dolphins from Prague that my sister sent to me... DAMMIT!!!
I have bought THE dress, yes THE most beautiful dress, it's a dress I found after looking at over 2000 dresses (it was probably more) and I have fallen in love with THE dress, but THE dress has to remain in New York until I can pick it up, there is no way that I will ever let THE dress be posted to me because I have no faith that THE dress will turn up here and I will never be able to find another one. I will post pictures of THE dress when things are set :)
Farewell to 2008.. you were the worst of years, but also the best..
I am the happiest I've been in years!
AND I am the lowest weight I've been since my sister's wedding in 2000 (that would partly be due to the severe gastro I had on Sunday which had me so nauseated, dehydrated and sick that my dad had to take me to hospital on for injections (and I'm allergic to stemetil and maxalon the normal anti nausea drugs so I was given a phenergan injection... and OMG the pain!!!!)...but as sick as I was I lost a few kilos lol... I can always find a positive :)
BRING ON 2009!!!!
Happy New Year everyone, I hope 2009 is wonderful for you all
I've got big news to share soon.. hopefully :)
xx
Every Christmas this happens
Gifts for the girls that were sent from Wollongong two weeks ago haven't arrived and my gift from New York hasn't arrived...
Poor Glen felt so bad about my gift from him not being here for me to open on Christmas morning, that he spent almost $200 on flowers, wine and chocolates and guess what...............?
They didn't arrive either!!!!!!!!
I can't blame Australia Post on that one though.
But I will blame a supposed top Australian online florist... should I put the link in?
I wasn't going to wait another day, so I rang the florist this morning, they gave me a wark story about "malfunctioning computer due to the number of orders...."
uh huh...riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight....wow malfunctioning for a week.... and I know nothing about anything....
so basically... the florist couldn't be bothered doing the order.
I said "refund him"
We've had so many things go missing that it's a fingers crossed situation every time something gets posted to us. And it doesn't matter where it's being sent from. Stuff being sent now has to be insured and registered, and it shits me when I buy stuff on ebay in America that I can't get here, they get mailed and they end up in some unknown person's possession and I can't buy them again. Like my a standing teddy bear cake tin, my gorgeous highly sort after silver glitter peep toe stilettos (oh how I miss my silver glitter peep toes that I never got to wear!) And crystal dolphins from Prague that my sister sent to me... DAMMIT!!!
I have bought THE dress, yes THE most beautiful dress, it's a dress I found after looking at over 2000 dresses (it was probably more) and I have fallen in love with THE dress, but THE dress has to remain in New York until I can pick it up, there is no way that I will ever let THE dress be posted to me because I have no faith that THE dress will turn up here and I will never be able to find another one. I will post pictures of THE dress when things are set :)
Farewell to 2008.. you were the worst of years, but also the best..
I am the happiest I've been in years!
AND I am the lowest weight I've been since my sister's wedding in 2000 (that would partly be due to the severe gastro I had on Sunday which had me so nauseated, dehydrated and sick that my dad had to take me to hospital on for injections (and I'm allergic to stemetil and maxalon the normal anti nausea drugs so I was given a phenergan injection... and OMG the pain!!!!)...but as sick as I was I lost a few kilos lol... I can always find a positive :)
BRING ON 2009!!!!
Happy New Year everyone, I hope 2009 is wonderful for you all
I've got big news to share soon.. hopefully :)
xx
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