I have never known anyone so cruel
he made good on his threat, it had nothing to do with photos
I feel sick, but I can get through this
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Oh no no no.. what did I do
I have seriously messed up.
I was staying away from the ex boyfriend, going to counselling, moving on, gaining strength, understanding my triggers and the way he 'grooms' me and last week when my medication was doubled and I was lonely (yes I am going to use that as an excuse because I'd been brilliant for a few months) I got a message from ex b asking me to meet him for coffee, so I said ok then. When it came down to it, I didn't go. I stopped replying to messages again, didn't answer the 300 phone calls, except one (I'm so stupid) and today I get an email that is just pure evil....The subject is "I know you now" And this is some of it..
"thanx for waking me up to the person that you are.
you don't email me. you deleted me from msn. you don't message. you don't call. you're not interested in counselling together. you couldn't be bothered to meet me the other day for coffee.
I called you on friday night several times, messaged you with no reply. i called on saturday, messaged you. your excuse was that you left your phone at home. it obviously wasn't important enough for you to keep your phone with you incase i messaged or called over the weekend.
you just deal with your own pain and fuck everybody else.
no you're not missing me at all because you are too wrapped up in yourself. I hope that works for you.
you lied about loving me. i see that now. you just wanted me as someone else that you could blame, because that works for you.
I thought i'd keep in contact because i love you and i didn't want things to be left like this. i thought we were both better than this. now i know that you're not. I was stupid for thinking that you cared. I hope you can get yourself sorted out at counselling. I hope you can be a better person.
There's more about me supposedly berating his children. He said I lied about his daughter saying that she didn't like being with him because of his anger, which the poor girl did say, and he goes on to say that I will start saying nasty stuff about his youngest son who I really cared about...
Anyway, I was furious when I read it and I didn't stop and breath and think, I just called him and my first words were "How dare you"
He swore at me and put me down, I kept my cool and was strong with my words, until he said "Do you want everyone to know about you?" I didn't understand what he meant, and then he said "The truth will come out about you" I said "What? are you threatening me?" and he said it again "The truth will come out about you" and again I asked if he was threatening me and he said "Yes" well my blood ran cold, all I can think of is that he has certain photos of me and a video :( I am disgusted with myself for getting into this situation, if I didn't do things he wanted I was berated, it was just easier to do it.
This is a man who made posters of his ex (who he has 3 children with) and stuck them to poles and I think he put them in letter boxes near where she lives, granted he did it because of the state of the house where his kids were, and the posters didn't have her face, but this to me means he's capable of anything.
There are so many "what ifs" I just have to suck it up and have faith that now that my path is going in a positive direction, if anything happens I have the strength to hold my head high and deal with it with dignity... I just wish I was thin in the photos and video (trying to find a lighter side)
I was staying away from the ex boyfriend, going to counselling, moving on, gaining strength, understanding my triggers and the way he 'grooms' me and last week when my medication was doubled and I was lonely (yes I am going to use that as an excuse because I'd been brilliant for a few months) I got a message from ex b asking me to meet him for coffee, so I said ok then. When it came down to it, I didn't go. I stopped replying to messages again, didn't answer the 300 phone calls, except one (I'm so stupid) and today I get an email that is just pure evil....The subject is "I know you now" And this is some of it..
"thanx for waking me up to the person that you are.
you don't email me. you deleted me from msn. you don't message. you don't call. you're not interested in counselling together. you couldn't be bothered to meet me the other day for coffee.
I called you on friday night several times, messaged you with no reply. i called on saturday, messaged you. your excuse was that you left your phone at home. it obviously wasn't important enough for you to keep your phone with you incase i messaged or called over the weekend.
you just deal with your own pain and fuck everybody else.
no you're not missing me at all because you are too wrapped up in yourself. I hope that works for you.
you lied about loving me. i see that now. you just wanted me as someone else that you could blame, because that works for you.
I thought i'd keep in contact because i love you and i didn't want things to be left like this. i thought we were both better than this. now i know that you're not. I was stupid for thinking that you cared. I hope you can get yourself sorted out at counselling. I hope you can be a better person.
There's more about me supposedly berating his children. He said I lied about his daughter saying that she didn't like being with him because of his anger, which the poor girl did say, and he goes on to say that I will start saying nasty stuff about his youngest son who I really cared about...
Anyway, I was furious when I read it and I didn't stop and breath and think, I just called him and my first words were "How dare you"
He swore at me and put me down, I kept my cool and was strong with my words, until he said "Do you want everyone to know about you?" I didn't understand what he meant, and then he said "The truth will come out about you" I said "What? are you threatening me?" and he said it again "The truth will come out about you" and again I asked if he was threatening me and he said "Yes" well my blood ran cold, all I can think of is that he has certain photos of me and a video :( I am disgusted with myself for getting into this situation, if I didn't do things he wanted I was berated, it was just easier to do it.
This is a man who made posters of his ex (who he has 3 children with) and stuck them to poles and I think he put them in letter boxes near where she lives, granted he did it because of the state of the house where his kids were, and the posters didn't have her face, but this to me means he's capable of anything.
There are so many "what ifs" I just have to suck it up and have faith that now that my path is going in a positive direction, if anything happens I have the strength to hold my head high and deal with it with dignity... I just wish I was thin in the photos and video (trying to find a lighter side)
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Yesterday = basketcase
Is it worse to dwell on one thing or move on from it and make room in your head for all the other things that you've hidden deep inside?
Normally when I see Prince William, we discuss what happened in the last relationship but because I am moving forward and feeling happy about being me, there is more room for other things to surface, yesterday I blurted out all sorts of stuff, my fears for my daughters, my happy father's day meeting Roxy, my love of Rose Cottage and the people there, my family history and laughing about my father's Uncle Emile who smashed a chair on the priest's desk (I have to write about what I learned on the weekend, it's really interesting) but then I talked about what my ex-husband did to me. Talking about past abuses apparently is a good thing. I had hidden that so very very deep within me that when it came out, it came out in a big way and it stayed with me all day, it's still with me now. I called mum and cried and cried and I told her what happened, do I feel better or worse for actually sharing it with someone who I haven't paid.
I haven't cried this much in weeks.
I am lonely, I know that. But I am not lonely for a man, I am well aware that at this time in my life I don't want one or need one. When all I can think about a relationship is that they will yell at me and call me names, or break my things or break me, then obviously relationships are a no no.
So yesterday when I said I was really lonely, what I meant was that I am lonely for a friend that will hug me and let me cry if I need to, without judgement, someone to have coffee with, go to movies, whatever... just a friend. I don't know how to make close friendships, my only close female friend lives in Nelson Bay. I need to go for a walk on the beach
Normally when I see Prince William, we discuss what happened in the last relationship but because I am moving forward and feeling happy about being me, there is more room for other things to surface, yesterday I blurted out all sorts of stuff, my fears for my daughters, my happy father's day meeting Roxy, my love of Rose Cottage and the people there, my family history and laughing about my father's Uncle Emile who smashed a chair on the priest's desk (I have to write about what I learned on the weekend, it's really interesting) but then I talked about what my ex-husband did to me. Talking about past abuses apparently is a good thing. I had hidden that so very very deep within me that when it came out, it came out in a big way and it stayed with me all day, it's still with me now. I called mum and cried and cried and I told her what happened, do I feel better or worse for actually sharing it with someone who I haven't paid.
I haven't cried this much in weeks.
I am lonely, I know that. But I am not lonely for a man, I am well aware that at this time in my life I don't want one or need one. When all I can think about a relationship is that they will yell at me and call me names, or break my things or break me, then obviously relationships are a no no.
So yesterday when I said I was really lonely, what I meant was that I am lonely for a friend that will hug me and let me cry if I need to, without judgement, someone to have coffee with, go to movies, whatever... just a friend. I don't know how to make close friendships, my only close female friend lives in Nelson Bay. I need to go for a walk on the beach
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Blah *sigh* hmm...*deflate*
It's Wednesday and I feel deflated, life has been sucked out.
Monday I had another appt with Teddy Bear specialist for my arm. It was 2 weeks after I'd started the Lyrica and it hadn't made any changes, my arm has been kinda bad, stiff, sore, it feels dead, my wrist has been oh so painful too, last scan showed fluid, but no cysts which is good.
So anyway.. the lyrica dose has been doubled. Now I lose my balance, I use the wall to get to my bedroom at night, I slur my words and instead of laughing at me, Bianca seems to be quite worried. If there wasn't a light at the end of the tunnel for this drug, I would quit it now, I can't stand what it is doing to me. Only 4 more weeks to go to see if this stupid pill works on my nerve.
Teddy bear said that I should get a mobility parking permit because carrying things for even a few minutes is quite difficult. I'm in two minds about it, one it will be fantastic when I need it, especially at Christmas. I wont abuse it, if there's a normal park close, then I'll leave the disabled parking for someone else, and two.. I feel that getting the parking permit will make me feel defeated. Sometimes when I am laughing and looking happy, I am in absolute agony, If someone makes a smart arse comment when they see me get out of the car with no obvious problem, then I can see myself telling them to go fuck themselves, but I'll say it with a smile :)
I missed Tafe AGAIN yesterday, I hate missing it, but these stupid pills have to be taken twice a day. My teachers are understanding, and the nice lady with the physical disabilities unit is very helpful.
This morning I had my therapy appointment with Prince William. I really didn't think I needed to go because I've been so happy lately and I am moving forward and the money could go on a bill, but I went, and well lordy didn't I cry. I talked about the dog we found, Roxy, I came to the conclusion that Roxy came into my life because I needed affection, I found it easy to cuddle her because I miss having someone who isn't family, to hug, I miss affection, I miss cuddling, I miss someone holding me, I'm crying :(
I told him something that I'd never told anyone about something my ex-husband did to me and the floodgates opened, I wanted to roll up into the fetal position and cry until I passed out, but Prince William is just so good at helping me get through things. Because I am moving on from the last relationship which I used to dwell on, there is now more room for me to think about things from the past, not to dwell on them but to work on them and let them go. Prince says I am doing a lot better, he has extended my appointments out to 3 weeks.
I feel so drained... I tried going op shopping, didn't find anything, still can't find any silver glomesh :(
If it wasn't for my beautiful Arella, I'd probably be crying all day. I can't wait for my girls to get home, don't feel like not having someone to talk to, Arella doesn't answer me, but she does dribble occasionally, god I'm lonely... really really lonely :(
Monday I had another appt with Teddy Bear specialist for my arm. It was 2 weeks after I'd started the Lyrica and it hadn't made any changes, my arm has been kinda bad, stiff, sore, it feels dead, my wrist has been oh so painful too, last scan showed fluid, but no cysts which is good.
So anyway.. the lyrica dose has been doubled. Now I lose my balance, I use the wall to get to my bedroom at night, I slur my words and instead of laughing at me, Bianca seems to be quite worried. If there wasn't a light at the end of the tunnel for this drug, I would quit it now, I can't stand what it is doing to me. Only 4 more weeks to go to see if this stupid pill works on my nerve.
Teddy bear said that I should get a mobility parking permit because carrying things for even a few minutes is quite difficult. I'm in two minds about it, one it will be fantastic when I need it, especially at Christmas. I wont abuse it, if there's a normal park close, then I'll leave the disabled parking for someone else, and two.. I feel that getting the parking permit will make me feel defeated. Sometimes when I am laughing and looking happy, I am in absolute agony, If someone makes a smart arse comment when they see me get out of the car with no obvious problem, then I can see myself telling them to go fuck themselves, but I'll say it with a smile :)
I missed Tafe AGAIN yesterday, I hate missing it, but these stupid pills have to be taken twice a day. My teachers are understanding, and the nice lady with the physical disabilities unit is very helpful.
This morning I had my therapy appointment with Prince William. I really didn't think I needed to go because I've been so happy lately and I am moving forward and the money could go on a bill, but I went, and well lordy didn't I cry. I talked about the dog we found, Roxy, I came to the conclusion that Roxy came into my life because I needed affection, I found it easy to cuddle her because I miss having someone who isn't family, to hug, I miss affection, I miss cuddling, I miss someone holding me, I'm crying :(
I told him something that I'd never told anyone about something my ex-husband did to me and the floodgates opened, I wanted to roll up into the fetal position and cry until I passed out, but Prince William is just so good at helping me get through things. Because I am moving on from the last relationship which I used to dwell on, there is now more room for me to think about things from the past, not to dwell on them but to work on them and let them go. Prince says I am doing a lot better, he has extended my appointments out to 3 weeks.
I feel so drained... I tried going op shopping, didn't find anything, still can't find any silver glomesh :(
If it wasn't for my beautiful Arella, I'd probably be crying all day. I can't wait for my girls to get home, don't feel like not having someone to talk to, Arella doesn't answer me, but she does dribble occasionally, god I'm lonely... really really lonely :(
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I have new toys :)
My birthday week is coming to an end and I have new toys!
This is toy number one
A beautiful piece of selenite, as soon as I saw it I had to have it, it's my kind of perfect.
Toy number two
Toy number three
I found this at an op shop, it was $3 and I had to have it. It's marked 'ITALY' and I think it's unusual. The stand has 3 dragons on it. I think it's brass, but has been embossed.
I took it to my mum and dad's yesterday to see if they knew what it was, dad straight away said tea strainer lol That never occurred to me! We decided that it belonged to Italian royalty, a king named Luigi owned it.. we were drinking.. not tea :)
This is toy number one
A beautiful piece of selenite, as soon as I saw it I had to have it, it's my kind of perfect.
Toy number two
A lovely mermaid dish that I bought at The Rocks, she has a little chip on her tail (which you have to search for) so she was reduced to $5.
Toy number three
I found this at an op shop, it was $3 and I had to have it. It's marked 'ITALY' and I think it's unusual. The stand has 3 dragons on it. I think it's brass, but has been embossed.
I took it to my mum and dad's yesterday to see if they knew what it was, dad straight away said tea strainer lol That never occurred to me! We decided that it belonged to Italian royalty, a king named Luigi owned it.. we were drinking.. not tea :)
Toy Four
It's the bestest.. I spoiled myself
From Farrah to ummm... this
It's the bestest.. I spoiled myself
The last time I saw my hairdresser Liza, she straightened my hair with a ghd, I'd attempted to do it a few times with our straightener but it hadn't turned out so great, so I was a bit apprehensive, but when it was done I was almost in tears, I'd had an emotional day and when I saw myself I felt unbelievable, I actually felt good about the way I look and I hadn't felt like that in a long time. So for my birthday I splurged big time and bought myself a ghd straightener. I wanted to keep feeling good about my appearance so $250 is a small price to pay to feel good. Not that I don't feel good about my farrah fawcet hair, but having a change as good as Liza and the ghd gave me is wonderful. I am happy to say that we can recreate the amazing hair at home without Liza lol and I feel just as good when I look in the mirror :)
My new baby
From Farrah to ummm... this
Our family birthdays are usually finished off with a BBQ at mum and dad's place. They're not the steak and sausage kind of BBQs, they're always something gourmet fancy and we love it :)
I got my gifts from my sister and her family (who live in Vienna) and my parents yesterday.
I got my gifts from my sister and her family (who live in Vienna) and my parents yesterday.
A gorgeous necklace from my sis, the starfish are full of swarovski crystals
And from my parents..the funkiest BBQ! It's perfect for our balcony.
I had a wonderful birthday, a birthday without tears of sadness, with lots of happy birthday wishes, and a day spent with my family (my daddy was working but there were phonecalls etc) who I love dearly... Every birthday will be this good :)
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Sept 11th
I find it difficult to express myself about things that have happened that have had an effect on people and the world.
September 11th 2001 had a massive ripple effect all throughout the world. The tragedy that happened that day will never leave me or anyone else I know. I'll never forget the agony and tears, the pictures from that day... I still can't look at them now.
New York became my second home, I was in love with a man from New York, he would fly me over there every few months. I loved NY, I had no problem going on a carriage ride through Central Park at 2am, it's a great city. The last time we were there was July 2001, we went everywhere that a plane was taken over.
One of my most favourite photos was taken on November 3rd 2000. We were coming back from the Statue of Liberty on the ferry. My camera was always around my neck, we were at the front of the ferry taking in the city, it was very cold and overcast, I was looking at the World Trade Centres and the clouds opened and the sun shone straight onto the towers lighting them up, I took a photo. It only lasted a moment but it will always stay with me.
The photo hasn't been retouched, this is what it looked like
Less than a year later they were gone.
A way this effected me and my family was, even though I had gone on many international flights, I have a deep fear of flying and this made it even worse. Mr NY and I were supposed to go to Ireland in Nov 2001, we were planning on getting engaged while we were there, I'd chosen my ring and we were excited about the trip, scared but excited. After Sept 11th, I couldn't fly anymore the thought of it had me petrified. So we didn't go to Ireland and we didn't get engaged.
I know this might sound petty... but that's not how I mean this to come across, I just wrote about it because it was something that had an impact on my life in more ways than one even though I am thousands of miles away... I could be married right now, I might have had another baby, I could've possibly been living in NY.
But I didn't lose anyone, I didn't know any of the over 3000 people who were murdered that day... my thoughts are with the families and the people who lived through the nightmare
September 11th 2001 had a massive ripple effect all throughout the world. The tragedy that happened that day will never leave me or anyone else I know. I'll never forget the agony and tears, the pictures from that day... I still can't look at them now.
New York became my second home, I was in love with a man from New York, he would fly me over there every few months. I loved NY, I had no problem going on a carriage ride through Central Park at 2am, it's a great city. The last time we were there was July 2001, we went everywhere that a plane was taken over.
One of my most favourite photos was taken on November 3rd 2000. We were coming back from the Statue of Liberty on the ferry. My camera was always around my neck, we were at the front of the ferry taking in the city, it was very cold and overcast, I was looking at the World Trade Centres and the clouds opened and the sun shone straight onto the towers lighting them up, I took a photo. It only lasted a moment but it will always stay with me.
The photo hasn't been retouched, this is what it looked like
Less than a year later they were gone.
A way this effected me and my family was, even though I had gone on many international flights, I have a deep fear of flying and this made it even worse. Mr NY and I were supposed to go to Ireland in Nov 2001, we were planning on getting engaged while we were there, I'd chosen my ring and we were excited about the trip, scared but excited. After Sept 11th, I couldn't fly anymore the thought of it had me petrified. So we didn't go to Ireland and we didn't get engaged.
I know this might sound petty... but that's not how I mean this to come across, I just wrote about it because it was something that had an impact on my life in more ways than one even though I am thousands of miles away... I could be married right now, I might have had another baby, I could've possibly been living in NY.
But I didn't lose anyone, I didn't know any of the over 3000 people who were murdered that day... my thoughts are with the families and the people who lived through the nightmare
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
9-9 Today is my Re-Birthday! Hip Hip Hooray! Update
I had an amazing day!
I forgot what it was like to have a truly happy birthday, today I realised what that was like and it was perfect!
My girls and I went to Sydney, my mum was already down there to get some super spectacular coffee (can't get it in Newy) for their amazing coffee machine, so we met at the Lowenbrau Kellar at The Rocks at 11.30.
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrr
my head is aching... will finish this tomorrow
toodle pip
Continuing on....
Lunch at the German restaurant was really lovely, it bought back a lot of childhood memories, I grew up on this kind of food. I was over flowing with happiness, I wish my dad could have been there but he had to work.
Bianca's first sip
Schlachtplatte
Löwenbräu's Selection of Bavarian Specialities –
Sausages, Chicken Schnitzel, Roast Pork Belly Served
with Mashed Potato and Sauerkraut
Oh what a lunch! 3 different kinds of sausages including a REAL frankfurt, and lieberkase which I absolutely love. I asked if I could have half red cabbage and half sauerkraut, because I love both of them. The whole meal was delicious!
It started us talking about the "olden days" and how my Opa hid my Oma in a barn to hide her from soldiers during WW2 and mum told me that they still have my great great grandparent's wedding rings, which my great great grandfather made out of silver while in Serbia. I need to get all of this written down. It sounds like I have a really interesting family history and if I don't learn about it soon I could lose part of my history that I wont be able to get back.
Another interesting thing..we were discussing all the 9's in my life and mum told me that I was 7 pound 2 ounces! There's another 9 that I didn't know about.
Best Birthday lunch ever!
And the server told me that because it was my birthday, I got my meal free!!
One of the most surprising things about the day was all of the birthday messages! I haven't experienced anything like it since I left school. I was getting messages all day, from old boyfriends (good and bad boyfriends) my ex father in-law (which is special that he still thinks to send me a card) my best friend Kylie, a lot of old and new friends, my hairdresser... it was just so nice. I am obviously projecting so much positive energy into the universe which is coming back and that makes me even happier, pretty soon I'll be sickly happy lol
There was no need for dinner..
My birthday cake was a choclate swiss roll that Allira made which had berries and fresh cream all rolled up inside and lots of whipped cream and strawberries on the outside, it was beautiful!!
I am blessed, I am happy, I am at peace with who I am
Happy re-Birthday to me
I forgot what it was like to have a truly happy birthday, today I realised what that was like and it was perfect!
My girls and I went to Sydney, my mum was already down there to get some super spectacular coffee (can't get it in Newy) for their amazing coffee machine, so we met at the Lowenbrau Kellar at The Rocks at 11.30.
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrr
my head is aching... will finish this tomorrow
toodle pip
Continuing on....
Lunch at the German restaurant was really lovely, it bought back a lot of childhood memories, I grew up on this kind of food. I was over flowing with happiness, I wish my dad could have been there but he had to work.
Mum and I had the big Stein of beer and the I got the girls Lowenbrau non alcoholic beer, I love that they were poured into proper beer glasses and not soft drink glasses.
Bianca's first sip
You light weight! where are those German genes girl?!
Eins! Zwei! G'Suffa!
I hadEins! Zwei! G'Suffa!
The girls had Schnitzel and both said it was the best Schnitzel they ever had apart from the one I make :)
mum had
Jägerpfanne mit Spätzle
Medallions of Veal Topped with Ham, Cheese and
Mushroom Sauce
mum had
Jägerpfanne mit Spätzle
Medallions of Veal Topped with Ham, Cheese and
Mushroom Sauce
Schlachtplatte
Löwenbräu's Selection of Bavarian Specialities –
Sausages, Chicken Schnitzel, Roast Pork Belly Served
with Mashed Potato and Sauerkraut
Oh what a lunch! 3 different kinds of sausages including a REAL frankfurt, and lieberkase which I absolutely love. I asked if I could have half red cabbage and half sauerkraut, because I love both of them. The whole meal was delicious!
It started us talking about the "olden days" and how my Opa hid my Oma in a barn to hide her from soldiers during WW2 and mum told me that they still have my great great grandparent's wedding rings, which my great great grandfather made out of silver while in Serbia. I need to get all of this written down. It sounds like I have a really interesting family history and if I don't learn about it soon I could lose part of my history that I wont be able to get back.
Another interesting thing..we were discussing all the 9's in my life and mum told me that I was 7 pound 2 ounces! There's another 9 that I didn't know about.
Best Birthday lunch ever!
And the server told me that because it was my birthday, I got my meal free!!
One of the most surprising things about the day was all of the birthday messages! I haven't experienced anything like it since I left school. I was getting messages all day, from old boyfriends (good and bad boyfriends) my ex father in-law (which is special that he still thinks to send me a card) my best friend Kylie, a lot of old and new friends, my hairdresser... it was just so nice. I am obviously projecting so much positive energy into the universe which is coming back and that makes me even happier, pretty soon I'll be sickly happy lol
There was no need for dinner..
My birthday cake was a choclate swiss roll that Allira made which had berries and fresh cream all rolled up inside and lots of whipped cream and strawberries on the outside, it was beautiful!!
I am blessed, I am happy, I am at peace with who I am
Happy re-Birthday to me
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