Beautiful Dog Update

Her name is Roxy and she comes from "The Hill"
We took her to the RSPCA this morning and we waited while they checked to see if she was microchipped and luckily she is microchipped, desexed and registered. They tried contacting her owners but weren't able to speak to them yet.
We're so happy that she has a home, and crossing our fingers that she wasn't dumped :)
Makes me angry that she didn't have a collar on though!!

Happy Father's Day to me and a Stray dog

Yes happy father's day to me, my kids don't have a father, not even one they see every fortnight or school holidays, so I am mum and dad. And every year my kids and I celebrate Father's day for me, I love that they recognise what I do on my own. A drew this in the sand, it says "Happy Father's day Mum" :)

The weather was beautiful so we went for a long long walk. We walked along the beach near where we live and then all along the coast up to Nobby's and down to the foreshore and into the mall. We had lunch at kentucky and on the walk home we saw a dog, trying to lick every crevice of the ground near a building looking for food, she was eating dead moths and anything else that was slightly edible. I had some left over chicken in my bag so I picked the meat off and gave it to her, it didn't even hit the ground, poor thing was starving. She started following us home, I decided she could and I would call the RSPCA. I was absolutely blown away by this dog. When we came to a crossing, I'd tell her to sit and she would, I'd say come and and she'd walk, her facial expressions were beautiful and heart warming. Touching a dog freaks me, I am slowly bringing myself to give Trev more than a couple of tap pats, but with this gorgeous dog... by the end of the day I was hugging her! I wanted to shower her with hugs and pats. My girls were stunned at the affection I was giving this dog, but they were just as affectionate :)

I called RSPCA and they weren't interested because she wasn't injured?! they told me to call the council and gave me a number, the man I spoke to said they'd finished collecting dogs for the day but I could take her to the 'surrender cages' at the RSPCA near where we are. Oh that knocked me, the thought of dumping this beauiful dog in a cage made me feel ill, but it was pretty much my only option because we live in flats. We stopped at coles so I could get her some food, the girls stayed outside with her and when I came out A was rubbing the dog's tummy, when the dog saw me she jumped up and came running wagging her tail! I LOVE THIS DOG! we went to the park across the road and I opened a tin off food, she inhaled it, she was so hungry, so I opened another one and that was gone just as quickly, she drank so much water, so thirsty... I wonder if anyone is missing her?

She ran around the park with A, both of them having a ball! She was picking up palm fronds and running off with them, jumping, playing, what a beautiful animal!

At home a couple of neighbours came over to see her, everyone had suggestions, but no one wanted to keep her, they all commented on how beautiful she is.

When I opened the car door for her, she jumped in and sat down, she looked adorable! We took her down to the beach, yes I was getting too attached to her but my reasoning was that if I was taking her to the RSPCA, she would go into a cage, if she wasn't microchipped then she'd be put up for adoption and if no one adopts her she'll be put down, so I wanted to make this day full of love and fun. When we got to the beach she walked with us and when her and A hit the sand, her personality came out! what an amazing animal, she became a massive bundle of fun, we laughed and ran all over the beach, she was jumping off the retaining walls and skidding through the sand, it was hillarious. She was playing fetch with the tennis ball and when she punctured it and it was stuck on her teeth, A stuck her hand in the dog's mouth and got the ball out... there was no fear from A and I, very bizarre behaviour from me, normally I'd be in a panic about those teeth.

When the dog was done she went and sat next to B for a cuddle, it was so sweet, I took photos, I know I'm too attached lol

I really didn't want to take her to the surrender cages, it's going to be a cold night, I wanted her to be comfortable, so on the drive to the RSPCA, I pulled over and asked B to call her friend, her family was happy to have the dog for the night, I wish it was permanently but it isn't. I have to pick her up tomorrow and take her. I hope a miracle happens and they decide they want her.

I had such a ball playing with this dog, I know she was only given to us for a short time, but I wonder why she was even sent to us???

Does anyone want her? she is such an amazing animal, she had me cuddling her! I never thought I would ever hug a dog, but I really don't think that was the reason she came to us today.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Frustration? nervous? angry? scared? worried?
who knows
I woke up this morning, too early, it wasn't even 6am, and I feel HORRIBLE! I'm not sure how I feel, or why I feel it, I just feel odd, maybe it's because I took that stupid pill at midnight.

Oh Hey! funny thing happened last night! My acoustic guitar played, on it's own! very bizarre, and funny. Boo and I were in the loungeroom, the guitar was about 6ft away from me, and it strummed, both Boo and I went WTF?! We went to the guitar to check it, I thought a string had snapped, but no the guitar is still perfect. We have a spirit who likes to play guitar, I hope they play more!

It's 7.15, the weather is horrendous, like it usually is around my birthday, my arm is aching, I need a coffee

What's happening to my brain?!

It's raining and I love it!
The rain is hitting the windows which makes me very happy, nature is cleaning my windows for me, so I don't have to clean them, yay! we live quite high up and can see the ocean, so clean windows are a good thing.

ok the real rant.....
I have been on some kind of medication every day for too many years, I don't enjoy it.. well some of them I enjoy, I like the trippy feeling from the oxycontin and the endone, that's fun, but I've only ever taken them when I've been in pain, weird, I've never been addicted to anything other than bad men, oh and making sure my wardrobe is colour and length co-ordinated and my books are aligned in size order, I also hate things that aren't in some kind of pattern, like in stores where there are products all out of order, one there three there, none in any kind of order.. I like to line them up properly so I can see them looking happy, I know, weird, it's all part of my anxiety issues apparently, no wonder Lisa calls me O.C.T, I prefer to think that my brain is wired in a way where I see things differently.

Ok back to where I started.. pills, medications, pain killers of varying strengths, antidepressants, asthma inhalers and preventers, I'm sick of them!!
In the morning I take a lexapro, I honestly don't know what I would do without it, it has helped me function. I also have to suck on a symbicort turbuhaler because I cough and cough, ever since my surgery when I ended up with breathing issues. Ok so this symbicort thing makes me shake, the first day I took it I thought I was having a panic attack, it was bad, fast heart rate, couldn't stop shaking, crying etc. I rang the pharmacy to find out if it was a side effect and it was, oh joy. But I had tafe that day and I was told that I needed to sit and just ride it out. So I did, and I missed another day of tafe, the shaking didn't stop til about 2 in the afternoon.

So now I have a new pill to take, if you read back over the blog, I've had 2 surgeries for my arm because I broke my elbow skateboarding in Dec 2004 (don't laugh it's been a nightmare) It's been 4 years of pain, 4 years of cortisone injections and endone and oxytcontin. But I'm still in pain. My specialist the Teddy Bear, has now got me trying lyrica. Lyrica is a drug for epilepsy, should act on the nerves. A scan showed my ulnar nerve is twice the size it should be. So this medication should hopefully settle it down, and if in 6 weeks it doesn't, I have another surgery. Teddy Bear gave the lyrica to me and said "Now Tania this medication will make you drowsy for atleast a week or two..ok?" He was looking at me like he really wanted to say "Now Tania this medication will seriously fuck you up for a few weeks" Because that's what it does!!

AFU! All fucked up!
I thought it would be gentle sweet sleepy drowsy, so the first time I took it, I took it in the carpark at tafe because I didn't want to drive incase I was sleepy. It took a little while to hit, but when it did, I was STONED! I was giggling at the ceiling, making jokes with Jay, laughing at EVERYTHING, the teacher asked me why I was smiling so much! When I got home I sat next to B and picked up the phone and the video remote and said "wow the remote looks like the phone" and B said "you're stoned" Later than night I called my mum and cried and cried about how stupid I was feeling, it's funny when it's happening, but when I thought back on the day I was disgusted with myself. I was scared to take it again, and I have to take one in the morning, one at night, so I take the night one right before bed.

The second day was yesterday and it was horrible again, I was giggly and wobbly. I had to call my person at the rehabilitation service because I have to keep her up to date or centrelink gets the shits. So anyway... the phone call was bad, I was stoned, giggly, and talking loudly! Poor Julie, I was blurting out everything.. again I felt stupid.
I mess my words up, I don't put the right words together if I'm saying something in a hurry.
I was losing my balance, I was walking in my loungeroom and I lost my balance, I put my hand on the coffee table so I didn't smash my face, and instead I broke my beautiful Goddess bowl that I made. I was upset. But I am more concerned about the what this drug is doing to my brain. It's really quite scary.
I have to sort my day around this stupid pill, I can't take it if I need to drive so everything has to be done in morning before I take the pill, I have to shower first or I worry that I'll slip, I have to walk slowly and cautiously SO FRUSTRATING!@!! The effects of this pill last for hours, yesterday I took it at 11am and I was still a stoned mess at 5.30pm

I honestly hate all these chemicals going into my body, I feel like a drama queen, I hate telling people about what is going on. I had to email the physical disabilities unit at tafe to let them know what was happening so the teachers could be aware of why I was a bit odd, it's embarassing, I hate feeling 'weird', please only let this continue for a few more days at the most because there's no way I could live my life like this for 6 weeks.

I'm Alive

I started a blog in 2005, it was all about my struggle to lose weight while having the chronic disorder PCOS, but the blog turned into a 'oh poor me, I'm fat, my boyfriend hates me, why can't I be normal' blog, so I stopped writing it last October. I was going to start a whole new fresh blog, but then I decided that all the things that had happened to me are part of me, so I transferred the blog to a new site name, I just deleted some of the posts that were still too raw and that needed to stay firmly in the past. They're still over at my PCOS blog, but they have no place here. My original ones before I met him came over here, so they can still be read :)

I'm different to the person that I was. I have experienced things I never thought I would. My weight went over 100 kilos.. never thought that would happen, I was abused.. never in my wildest dreams did I think that would happen, he cheated and I took him back... ALWAYS told myself that that would be a relationship killer, I've had surgeries.. but I was always so healthy, I lost myself... but I'm back

I changed myself into someone who was weak, I let people who I thought loved me turn me into someone who not only did I not recognise, but people who had known me for years would ask me "where's the strong Tania gone..?"
I stopped being open about who I was and tried to be someone I thought would be accepted and loved. The things that weren't changed by controlling people, I changed. I hid myself and my identity and started being quiet, not speaking up about what I believed in because I was scared of being put down, it was easier.

But recently with the help of some wonderful people, my family, my doctor.. Dr E, my counsellor.. William, Liza the hairdresser who made me open my eyes, and the wonderful people at a wonderful little cottage, have made me understand that I'm a worthwhile person. I still have my faults but I'm working on being better to myself and eventually I will be completely at peace.

Disturbed have a song called "I'm Alive" and the lyrics have always felt so empowering..
I don't know what the inspiration for the song was, but to me the lyrics make me feel strong and never again will I go through what I've lived with for too many years

The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away
There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
To change myself, I'd rather die
Though they will not understand
I will make the greatest sacrifice
You can't predict where the outcome lies
You'll never take me alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive

I'm alive, I'm me, I'm happy, I am a witch and I am beautiful, I wont change for anyone, ever again

Godsmack - Running Blind acoustic

relief

I don't want to be here, I think about ways that I can leave. I look at my boxes of morphine tablets and I want to take them all.
I am so over the pain of lonliness, relationships, my arm, my future, everything.
I don't want to cry anymore, and that's all I seem to do
2 reasons keep me here