Bikinis are me

Swimming again today, I love it! nothing to stress me, back to being free from everything!
Another kilometre, weather was blah, water was beautiful, I am so grateful to be living here.

I love going down to the pool on cloudy, rainy days, there's usually less than 10 people swimming and no one to go into my lane. I HATE people swimming in my lane, it's mine dammit. (Ok I was wrong when I told Lisa that there's nothing for me to be OCT(D) about at the pool, I get nervous when someone is in my lane when I get to the pool and have been known not to start my laps til my lane is free)



On cold days I jump straight into the water and after a few seconds of asking myself wtf am I doing in the freezing water, I remind myself that you work off more calories in cold water because your body works harder to keep you warm, plus I'll be toning up and being stunning.

Yesterday I went through my swimmer drawer and I have 14 bikinis! and one tankini. I like changing them around, swapping tops and bottoms, today it was silver bottoms and a black top, my theory is that I'll wear what I want and be happy being me, if people don't like it, then they don't have to look.



yes I know .. I'm gorgeous
any takers?
:)

Washing the stupid off

I went swimming this morning.

I haven't been swimming in months, I needed to do laps at Merewether because it's probably the only place I go where I can feel completely free.

It was overcast and cool, the water temp was 18, and I was happy.

Lots to think about, wondered how many laps I would do considering that it's been so long, I didn't need to worry, I swam a kilometre, 20 laps. That's my usual, but on occasion I do more, up to 60 laps. Maybe I should have done more. I'm going to start swimming daily again

I wasn't as free minded as I usually am when I swim, the whole time I was thinking about everything that has happened over the last few months, including Saturday night. I had a good night and that's all that should be important.

I need to lose this damn weight so I can't blame everything on it.
What is it? do you see me for me, not my fat, my huge thighs, my fat gut, don't tell me I'm beautiful if you don't mean it. Does it bother you that I am what I am... in every aspect of me?

letting it go now

Stupid...

Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid


Yep... that says it

Who am I

I was doing my YAAD homework today, left the "Who am I" bit til last.
I've read through the questions and have spent the past couple of hours thinking about who I am. What shaped the person I am now? I know that supposedly adults are a product of their upbringing, so our childhood makes us who we are. But I know there's more to it than that.
Do I like who I am? What made me who I am? What would I change about me?
I know relationships (with partners, not family) played a big part in who I am today...but at this moment..I like who I am today. I wont be defined by stereotypes, yes abuse shapes a person, but so does so many other things, there are a million things that make me me.
I am a mother, a sister, a daughter, a grand daughter, a niece, an aunty, a friend
I have OCD tendencies, I like to walk/ dance/ play in the rain. I always worry that I cause things to happen. I love my bed, I hate not having the security of my home, I had my wedding photos done in a cemetery and even though I'm divorced now, I still love the pictures. I used to weigh over 100kgs.....*and has been pointed out by someone who knows, the heat makes me a little cranky :P
here's more........

My full name- Tania Marie
- Age - 36
- Height - 160cm
- Natural hair colour- born blonde, but now it's brown I suppose
- Eye colour - blue/grey
- Number of siblings - 1 sister
- Glasses/contacts - Glasses for reading, driving at night etc
- Piercings - ears and another umm.. place. Had my nose and belly button done a years ago, but they're not in anymore
- Tattoos - 5

- FAVOURITE
- Colour- turquoise
- Band - Godsmack
- Song - too many
- Stuffed animal - my bear Hudson
- Video game - Primal
- TV show - lots
- Movie - lots
- Book -
- Food - oh there are so many..
- Flower- they're all beautiful, but I love roses
- Scent - fresia, rose, gardenia, good food
- Animal -
- Cartoon- Brandy and Mr Whiskers, Spongebob

- DO YOU
Play an instrument? no
Watch TV more than 60 hours a week? no
Like to sing? yes
Have a job? no
Have a cell phone? yes
Like to play sports? not competitively
Have a boyfriend? no
Have a crush on someone? no
Live somewhere NOT in the united states? yes
Have more than 5 TVs in your house? no
Have any special talents/skills? I am creative
Have any faults? I forget bad things people do to me too quickly. I think I can help make people happy.
Exercise daily? most days
Speak any other languages? no
Go a day without food? yes, have gone a few days without it
Stay up for more than 24 hours? have done it
Read music, not just tabs? nope
Roll your tongue? no
Eat a whole pizza? yeah.. sadly lol

– HAVE YOU EVER
Seen a shooting star? yes
Been to any other countries besides the united states? yes... Canada, England, Scotland, Vanuatu
Had a serious surgery? it's all serious
Stolen something important to someone else? no
Gone out in public in your pajamas? yes
Been arrested? arrested, not charged
Done drugs? smoked a few joints
Laughed and had milk come out of your nose? not milk, coffee
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator? yes
Been in love? yes
Been to a casino? yes
Ran over an animal and killed it? no
Broken a bone? yes
Gotten stitches? yes
Gone skinny dipping in winter? yes
Made homemade muffins? yes
Been to niagra falls? yes

WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU
Brushed your teeth - this afternoon
Saw A Movie In Theaters - about a month ago- Dark Knight
Read a book - this week
Went to the grocery store - yesterday
Got sick - July
Cursed – today
PICK ONE
Fruit/vegetables - vegies
Black/white - black
Lights on/lights off - off
TV/movie - good tv
Car/truck - car
Body spray/lotion - what ever I'm in the mood for
Pillows/blankets - both
Headache/stomach ache - stomach
Paint/charcoal - charcoal
Chinese food/mexican food - mexican
Summer/winter - winter
Snow/rain - snow
Fog/misty - misty
Rock/rap - rock
Meat/vegetarian - meat
Chocolate/vanilla - chocolate
Sprinkles/icing - icing
Cake/pie - cake
French toast/french fries - chips :P
Strawberries/blueberries - strawberries
Ocean/swimming pool -ocean swimming pool
Hugs/kisses - depends
Cookies/muffins - either
Moon/mars - Moon

FRIENDSHIP
Have you ever been in love? Yes
Are you single? yes
Are you in a relationship? no
Do you believe there is someone for everyone? yes
What is your idea of the best date? somewhere comfortable- warm weather, picnic on the beach with wine, and then a walk. Cold weather- cosy restaurant
What was your first kiss like? On a bus, scared to death
How old were you when you got your first kiss? 13
Do you think love is a load of shit? sometimes when I'm feeling cynical

WORD ASSOCIATION
Free - peace
Space - stars
Taste - chocolate mousse and rasberries
Red - rose
Deep - ocean
Heart - break
Rain - dance
Bed - mine
Jump - joy

I....
am - happy
want - love
need - hugs
crave - hugs
love - too easily
hate - crying
feel - relaxed
miss - travelling
am annoyed by - stupid people
would rather - be in Scotland
am tired of - my sore arm
will always - love my children

SILLY STUFF
What is your favourite genre of music? hard rock
What time is it now? 4pm
What day is it? Friday
Whens the last time you called someone? 2:15pm
How much money do you have right now? $7
Are you hungry? no
Do you like parades? depends.. boring ones no, but ones like "Rolling Thunder" in Washington DC was pretty awesome to watch
Do you like the moon? yes I do
What are you going to do when youre done with this? try and nap
If you could have any magical power what would it be? the ability to do what ever I want like Jeanie in I dream of Jeanie
Have you ever had a picnic? yes

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
funny? yes
pretty? sometimes
sarcastic? yes
lazy? yes
hyper? sometimes, ok rarely
friendly? yes
evil? no
smart? yes
strong? yes
talented? no
dorky? no

WOULD YOU EVER:
Sky dive? yes
Play strip poker? done it
Run away? done it
Not take a shower for a week? god no
Ask someone out? done it
Visit a foreign country for more than a month? went to America for 3 months
Go scuba diving? done it
Write a book? would love to
Become a rockstar? hahahaa

Take me Home

Sometimes I find a song that fills me with emotion and takes me on a journey and this song is one of them.

I have been watching a show called True Blood, and I LOVE it. During a heartbreaking scene in episode 6, there is an unbelievably haunting song, the song playing is called Take me Home by Lisbeth Scott.

On her website, Lisbeth says "I sing to comfort, heal, move, transport and awaken the divine voice within us all"

I love closing my eyes and going where the music takes me, I don't think of it as a song about death. I see myself on a beautiful green grass covered hill, I'm by a large tree, looking out into the distance, looking out at grass, hills and the ocean and I am peaceful and blessed. I assume it's my home in Scotland. I'm positive I lived there in a past life.. have you ever been somewhere and just felt like you'd come home?



When Mr NY and I went to Scotland, I had an overwhelming feeling that I'd 'come home' I felt so at peace there, I NEED to go back, it's not just a 'want' it's a definite 'need'. The photo on the side that looks black and white, is a place called Loch Awe, it was after 3pm and I was walking along the shore line, the sun was shining through the clouds and took the photo, with my 35mm canon slr and the photo came back greyscale, it was the only photo in the roll that came back the way it did, there's something in Scotland for me. While I'm off on my tangent, I'll add the photo here



I just love it.



Turning my tangent around and back to the song............

I love finding truly special songs

Please listen to it at amazon.com (click the little play button, it's not very much of the song) or at cdbaby.com (on the left hand side underneath "tracks" click the 'play' button and then open, I used real player)

Let me know what you think :)

Just Breathe

My mood changed last week after having been so good for so long..
Having realised what it was that caused it, I took measures so it doesn't happen again. I am enjoying the way my mind is working now, having had it be a foggy mess for too long.

The economy isn't the best, Christmas is coming, people are worried.
I have a tiny flat, a mountain of bills, a buggered right arm, and a smile that isn't leaving my face

This has been a fantastic week, Mr Rudd's little bonus will come in handy, we're deciding as a family where it should go. I cashed in some flybuys points to get some KMart vouchers for buying Christmas pressies, I got a survey worth 600 points which will get me a $50 fuel card, my rehabilitation place is giving me $150 to cover 3 of my counselling sessions (must send the receipts tomorrow) My neighbour took me out to dinner, nice guy.. his massive German Shepherd dog loves me.. I'm supposedly the first person Tal (the dog) has adored, he doesn't bark at me, I can walk into mickscott's yard and Tal brings me his ball...hahaha very funny because he's a guard dog :)

One day at a time, breathe through everything, relax, ask myself questions, take my vitex agnus castus, unclutter my house (I'm still working on the loungeroom, and I'm still enjoying it) take a break when I need it, do yoga, go swimming... life truly is wonderful :)

Super excitingly MOIST!

Everyone will be happy to know that I bought my vitex agnus castus and therefor should no longer have that debilitating PMT(S) (can't believe I went all american and used pms)
I think I associated it with the abuser because I couldn't understand why I was bawling and just decided it would have to be about him cos what else do I have to be unhappy about.
It was very nice being in time with the full moon, it's rare for me to get them so to happen on a full moon was special for me :)

Earlier this week I made a decision to put tafe on hold and I'm still trying to get my head around it, but I think it's the right thing to do.I am taking too much endone or oxycontin because my elbow hurts from the writing or from typing too much, and I actually need to concentrate and have a clear head and those two pills make it impossible for me to be able to think clearly.
I need to get other things sorted first.
I was told I need another surgery on my arm.
And I am having a big clutter clean out, clutter from my mind and home and only two days in I am feeling good. It's taking ages because....
"hello my name is Tania and I am a hoarder, it's been six days since I've bought something that I don't really NEED"

Yes I am a hoarder but everything has it's place, the bookshelves are done in category and height, the crystals are done in patterns that mean something to me etc etc
I am enjoying my clean out, I'm still doing the loungeroom, it's been two days, but I've done everything from put the playstation games into alphabetical order (Buzz big quiz comes before Buzz monsters... yes yes I have issues), sort cables and plug the dvd and video into the stereo correctly to moving furniture and putting my crystals where I can see them better. I never thought I'd admit it, but I am enjoying cleaning, LOVING cleaning, cleaning PROPERLY. The only problem is is that when it's done I will be even more OCT(D) so doing it slowly will be better

BUT
my super moistalicious thing is that the Amazing Race is back on tv tonight YAY!!!!!!
I have been watching it since it was on tv at 10.30pm or later, way way back when I was living in Wollongong.
YOU HAVE BEEN PHILIMINATED
YAY YAY YAY!!!!
HAPPY DANCE

p.s I miss you Lisa

Are you kidding me???

This was PMS?!!!
I cried for five days, popped a pretty pink pill, thought that my happy pills weren't working and felt like my good work had gone to hell all because of PMS?!

It explains the 500 grams of cadbury hazelnut chocolate hahaha

but wow, I haven't had PMS this bad for many many years, for my sanity and theirs, I am going to get some vitex agnus castus tomorrow, it was the only thing that helped all those years ago :)

(and no, I have no idea about my dates for periods and pms because of PCOS)

Non medicated amusement :)

Ok listen up
quit chucking crap my way... ok? seriously, no more. I think I've shown that I can climb out of that dark horrid place way too many times, so enough is enough.

This comment sticks with me

As usual the Goddess always chooses to test us when we feel that we have become strong.You have grown, yes you have, and know the Goddess is saying..."show me how much!".....Don't let this drive you back...let it be an opportunity for you to find a way round this....w.w.

It turns on a bit of a light to think this way and to know that sometimes a test is good.

But I'm starting to think the Goddesses are laughing at me, sitting there, watching the world, drinking champagne, slightly tipsy, playing a game..

"what can we throw at her now.. how about this?
*kapow*
"hahaha nooooo we can do better than that"
*zap*
"awww she's crying..pfft lightweight.."

It's a little bit funny to think of it this way, and does amuse me (I amuse easily)
And surprisingly helps me be stronger.

It's all good :)

It's a dark tunnel

I've been feeling like I'm sinking back into a place I have no desire to go again.

I had an appt with Prince William on Wednesday morning and since then I have been crying, not just a few tears, but heart breaking sobs. Every day.

I had been doing so well and then all of a sudden I started crying during my appt. William said that it was good because I was finally in the grief stage. Not grieving because of missing the abuser, but grieving over the loss of what the relationship wasn't, it wasn't nurturing, supportive and loving. I think with this grieving process I have also added in the grief of my marriage breaking up and also the break up of my long term relationship before the abuser. All things that I hadn't dealt with properly. And it is destroying me. I try and do my mantras, I try and occupy myself, but I am in such a low place right now that I feel like I can't pull myself up and out of it.

The mantras are quickly forgotten and I am rolled up in a ball in bed and crying like my heart will never mend

But in being so down, I've been forgetting the abuse and I am missing him so much AND I HATE THAT.

I have to keep reminding myself

he abused me
physically emotionally mentally spiritually

nothing I did was good enough

I have to keep telling myself
I am really not missing him as a person, I am missing the person I wish he could have been

But what if one day he is the person I hope he'll be and I've missed that chance?

I truly loved him
I have to stop defending him

I never understood how abused women stay
but I learned why

I am supposedly grieving and I want to sleep I want to stop crying but I feel like there is no light

Ahhh... I needed that

We spent three days in Wollongong and it was wonderful!

We lived there for 9 years, moved back to Newcastle early 2003, and have only visited friends once in the last 5 years. So it was good to go back down.

First thing we did was go to the Nan Tien Temple

I went there a lot when I lived in Wollongong, it was my 'run away' place, it's very peaceful.

This weekend was the most amount of people I have ever seen there! I used to go early when the majority of tourists weren't there. There are so many beautiful things to see, I didn't notice any changes, and I definitely have to go there for a meditation retreat weekend, anyone else interested???

The guides are more than happy to answer any questions and are really lovely people. I used to know what all the colours on the statues were for, I knew why their hands were in the position they were, and now the only things I can remember are that their long earlobes are for long life and the swastika symbol is actually a reverse to the Nazi swastika, because if you were to spin them the Buddhist symbol would spread energy out and the Nazi symbol would drag it into the centre.
It bothers me that I have forgotten almost everything :(

It's a beautiful place to wander, so many things to see, the museum has some amazing artefacts etc
The restaurant is all you can eat vegetarian and is delicious!!
Yes I think I weekend there is what I need.

Long time ago I'd wander through Corrimal and I would always
go into Boz's shop. It was a unique little shop down there, full of crystals, books, jewellery, clothes, incense, candles, soaps etc etc etc Eventually I'd talk more to Boz, I didn't really know many people in Wollongong, so I'd go and visit Boz and we'd chat, then I started working there occasionally and I LOVED it, being in there was special. If I was still in Wollongong, I'd definitely still be working with her.

Anyway... Boz and John closed the shop and created a beautiful oasis at their home in Mangerton. I couldn't believe it when I walked through the gate! It was so different to how it was 5 years ago. They should be so proud of themselves! They've always wanted to work from home, so they built a little studio, where they can do all sorts of therapies and waxing, tanning etc, It's called NuYu (which is what the shop was called) They have been studying for years and are such wonderful people, who are so good at what they do.

John did a Microcurrent treatment for the pain in my elbow and I can definitely notice a difference.
So if you're ever in Wollongong go and see Boz
and John :)

We went to Berry and Kiama, to wander through the shops and the markets. I bought crystals and macadamia oil.
But my favourite find was all the sea glass!! I was in sea glass heaven. Wandering along the shore, we found so much glass, I wish I didn't have to come home yesterday, I could've spent hours finding more. We got pieces of purple and cobalt blue! rare pieces! All because Allira wanted to see how cold the water was.


So now we're home and relaxed and I am looking forward to going back. And an Outback Steakhouse has opened in Fairy Meadow (near Wollongong) I Loved going there in NY, hope their Alice Springs chicken tastes as good here.
So who wants to come for a meditation retreat? :)

I'M GOING FLIPPIN MENTAL(ER)!!!!!

so tired
can't sleep

so tired
can't sleep


can't sleep


can't sleep


hmmm.... wide awake at the moment

legs covered in spots

so itchy

scratch scratch scratch

then bleed

feeling crap,

like my tummy is full of peanut butter,

but isn't

and no I don't want to buy a friggin H2O Mop!!
or ProActive
or natural makeup

I asked Dr Google... and he says that sleep issues are possibly caused by going off lyrica

have been having sleep issues for a few days

NOT HAAAAPPPY!

going to try a hot shower and then some hot chocolate