Riding The Broom

I have 5 minutes to write, yay :)

2010-02-23T15:37:00.003+11:00

Gisele Aurelia is now 12 weeks old, she's a giggly, happy baby, an absolute blessing.

She was 10 days overdue and was born on November 30th at 7:52pm
Not the best labour, but she wasn't distressed at any stage. I wish things had gone differently, but I tried.
When she was born, she was screaming, they handed her to me and I said "Hello beautiful" and she looked at me and stopped crying, it still makes me teary when I think about it. She made baby noises and held her head up right away. I didn't care that she was covered in blood and vernix, I kissed her little face, I fell in love with her squooshed little face, she was perfect, there were no problems.

She was a teeny tiny 2.7kgs (5 pound 15) but 52cm long (20.5 inches) and she's been growing and gaining weight quite rapidly, last check up at 8 weeks she was already over 4kg and 58cm.
She's obviously doing a whole lot better being outside of me :)

She sleeps so beautifully, always has. She either sleeps through the night or gets up once at 4 or 5am for about 10 minutes. During the day when she shows tired signs, I put her in her bassinet and she settles herself to sleep (no tears, no dummies, and have never used controlled crying) We're just lucky that she is an easy baby. People have said to me "it's because you're older..." etc etc, I say bull to that, I'm not doing anything differently to what I did with my other two daughters, Gisele is just a different baby who likes letting her mummy and daddy sleep :)

The girls adore their little sister and they are a big help to me, I'm very lucky to have them.

The only thing my beautiful baby wont do is take a bottle of expressed milk! She gives me filthy looks when we try and give her a bottle. I'm going to have an awful lot of Avent products listed on ebay soon lol

Things I have learnt about Gisele, she likes sitting in the water at the beach, she prefers showers to baths, she loves to giggle, she's very determined - she has been pulling herself up to standing by hanging onto our fingers since she was 6 weeks.. we were so stunned that we videoed her doing it. She wants to move, she pulls herself along the floor. She sees something on the ceiling which fascinates her and she has conversations with it (Guardian Angel or fairies maybe?) And she makes my day when she smiles at me.

And now she's awake :)

Not breech anymore! Due date today.. But not going to happen in this heat

2009-11-20T12:12:00.000+11:00

First off, please have a look at the photos my beautiful daughter has posted on her blog of her yr 10 formal, she looks gorgeous!

We've had a bit of an "emotional roller coaster" (we just lurve that little saying) in recent weeks.
Baby decided it preferred being breech, so I tried doing everything to turn it. Moxibustion sticks, which is Chinese accupressure, moxibustion sticks are long sticks of mugwort that you light and hold next to your little toes for about 15 mins, it's supposed to stimulate the baby moving, I also swam lots, put my knees on the lounge and hands on the floor, and stuck ice packs on the baby's head.

My wonderful Obstetrician did two ECVs (external cephalic version) which involved me going to hospital, having a fetal monitor put on my belly for 20 minutes then two doctors.. one scanning.. and the other turning the baby from the outside and then another 20 minutes of monitoring. When I first decided we needed to do what we could to turn our baby, googling 'turning breech baby' inevitably showed up with stories of women choosing (being 'encouraged') to have caesareans over trying ECV because of "the risks with ECV" and because they're told that if they've had caesareans then they can't have an ECV. I chose not to read any of those and to just read about non invasive ways of turning the baby and to have faith in my OB, if he thought I could have one, then I could and I did, first one was successful, but the baby turned again the next day, which I'll admit was quite distressing because I want to try for a natural delivery without too many complications. My OB called me on Monday to see how things were going (Have I mentioned how much I love this guy) told him the baby had turned again, so he asked me to come back in that afternoon to try another ECV, that one was unsuccessful. BTW the ECVs did NOT hurt! they were just like having a nice tummy massage.

So Tuesday we did moxibustion again and at Wednesdays check up, the baby had finally turned head down!! and has so far stayed that way. Even though my OB is quite happy for me to try and have this baby naturally if it is breech (he's a rare OB) I am so happy that being head down will make this a little easier for me.
40 weeks pregnant and the baby turned, so so far I've avoided an unnecessary caesarean :)

We're ready for our new little one, but if it can come on a day that isn't so hot, then that would be great.

Married life has been wonderful, I adore him, he's very good to us. I hope he'll be happy with our 6 months of summer, cos I know I wont be, I'll try and not be too lizzy borden-ish (he thinks I'm like her when I'm hot.. could be right)

I guess my next post will be introducing our baby, can't wait :)

Glen and I got married! and I promise to never take advantage of him again :)

2009-11-09T11:00:00.000+11:00

Glen and I were married on Friday November 6th just after 10am at Zenith Beach near Nelson Bay... and Glen had no idea it was going to happen :)

It was too easy to be sneaky

When Glen's visa was granted a few weeks ago, I decided to start the wedding plans again which had been cancelled months before. I went to Port Stephens and my friend Kylie and I went looking at beaches, I knew it had to be Zenith Beach which was the first one we looked at, there's a track leading to the beach, the headland and water were beautiful, it was the perfect place for us, and the only time it wouldn't be protected from the wind was if there was a southerly, and I was assured they rarely come in the morning there.

While standing there looking at the ocean I decided that I was going to make it the day we were
supposed to get married and that I would keep it a secret from Glen and ask him to marry me at the end of the track when we got to the sand. That afternoon Kylie suggested a hot chocolate at Merret's at Peppers Anchorage while waiting for our table I flicked through their lunch menu, they had a set lunch for $29 for 2 courses, Perfect! This was where the 'reception' would be. We spoke to a wonderful lady there who helped me with the bookings and planning. A round table for 12 in the glass room.

Now for the rest of the planning...My beautiful girls got their dresses at Tree of Life, pink for A and blue for B, I thought the dresses needed something else, and while I slept that night I remembered I had two over dress wrap thingies with embroidery on them, in pink and blue, and they matched perfectly!I had a white dress that I bought from tree of life last year, I love it but I thought I should get something new, I found a long white dress at a surf shop which fit my belly. Shoes... pink, white and blue thongs :) mine and A's had diamontes on them.

I got an invitation pack from America when I was there last, which I absolutely loved, I did the printing and sent them with maps to the beach and to Peppers, and a cover note to let people know it was a secret and to not mention it to Glen.

To get Glen to go to Port Stephens for a few days I told him that because we were supposed to be
married on November 6th, I'd probably be a bit down so we should go away for a few days to relax and take our minds off it. And because Glen is so sweet, he agreed, he'd do almost anything to make me happy. I booked us into Peppers Anchorage for three nights.

When Glen arrived in Australia, we layed in bed and went through the celebrant's folder of readings, vows, ceremonies etc, even though I was doing all the planning, I wanted Glen's input so he would love the ceremony too, I told him that we should go through it to get an idea for when the time came for us to start planning.

As for Glen's clothes... I never knew buying clothes for a guy would be harder than buying clothes for
teenage girls! We went everywhere looking for something that I liked, yes I had to like it :)There are some truly ugly men's clothes!I finally decided that he should wear the shorts I had bought him from a surf outlet store because every other pair of shorts I saw were just not right, we got him a nice shirt to go with them and he got his good going out black thongs to match :)

The Tuesday that we had a 38 degree day, I sat up til 3am writing out our ceremony for the celebrant, and I am grateful that he didn't change anything.

I called Glen's mother to ask for her blessing for our wedding, I knew she would say yes, but because no one from Glen's family could be there, I wanted everything to be ok with her and with Glen's brothers. I also asked her to write something for B to read at the wedding from Glen's family. She was very happy for us, but very sad that she couldn't be there, which I completely understood, The following evening on the phone, she read out a letter for us, I wrote her words down and we both cried.

I'd started the paperwork in March before we found out we were pregnant, so all we needed was Glen's signature. The celebrant was a touch worried because I wasn't going to ask Glen to marry me before the actual day, apparently having an engagement ring, being pregnant, and spending a fortune on a prospective spouse visa isn't enough to prove that Glen actually want to marry me. I told Glen that while we were in Port Stephens we should go and see the celebrant to finalise the paper work and then we could get married anytime we wanted to. Glen was interrorgated for a while about when he wanted to get married (he said as soon as possible, that we'll just have to organise for my girls to be there :) etc etc etc so after 2 hours with the celebrant, we were finally able to have some time together, and Glen still didn't know he was going to get married the next day, even though the celebrant asked him if he'd want to get married at 10am the next day.

I had to be very careful when we got to the Anchorage, I had been told that the welcome board would be updated in the afternoon to have a congratulations message for Glen and I, so I had to make sure Glen didn't go to the reception desk. When I had to call home and my dad, I had to lie and say that our room didn't have very good phone coverage so I had to leave, then there were the million texts I had to lie about, I absolutely hate when you're with someone and all they do is text, I had to lie to Glen and say there was a small problem at home the girls needed help with, and I felt terrible, but there WAS a small problem. Everytime we were in Coles or near the florist, we'd look at their flowers and talk about what would be nice to get, I said pink and white roses would be beautiful and we bought ribbon to be wrapped around them, come the wedding eve, for the first time that we saw, the florist didn't have a single rose!! and coles only had deep red and some pink. After about 45 mins of texts and sly phone calls, the girls got white lisianthus and the pink roses for me, and some red roses for them. They did beautifully, I'm very proud of how they handled everything.

Glen and I couldn't choose rings, so Bianca made some, his is made from silver beads and Bianca
surprised me by making mine out of freshwater pearls, very beautiful.

About 5 o'clock that afternoon, it started raining, that was ok, I wasn't worried yet.I was planning on doing my hair that night, doing beautiful curls with my ghd, and then having it all perfect
for the morning, I am hopeless, nothing I did worked, it was ok though because I hoped a miracle would happen and my hair would be ok lol

When I woke up at 4.30am, and saw it was still raining, I was hopeful it would stop. The texts started again, my hair was a shocking mess, the rain got heavier and I decided I needed some heavy duty hair spray which I haven't used in years. I told Glen I was going to coles, but first I sat in the car and called the girls so they could check the radar online for me and I cried, even though they assured me it would be ok, they tried making me feel better by saying the cupcakes and flowers looked beautiful. I then called mum and dad and they were happily telling me it would be ok because rain never stopped our family doing anything, and they were right, we'd have bbqs, go for walks, rain wasn't a problem to us. I'd only had 5 hrs sleep so I was a bit tired and emotional.

I got my stuff from coles included some tim tams in the basket and cheered myself up, I was going to marry Glen, I'd loved him for 11 yrs, rain didn't matter.

The celebrant called, he said I should think about changing the place for the wedding, but I refused, he said there was a downpour coming, but I had faith.

Back at the hotel.. my hair was still a scary mess, but I tried to fix it, hair lacquer helps :) I put some little silver flower clips in my hair and we got ready, I told Glen we were going somewhere nice for breakfast, but he didn't question why we were getting so dressed up.

At about 9:45am the rain stopped :)

At 9.55am (the wedding was to be 10am) More texts.. "your parents aren't here!" wtf?

Then a text from B "we stopped for breakfast, now they've stopped for a toilet break, I'm going insane!"

I was feeling sick with nerves, I told Glen that the manager at Coles had suggested we should have a look at a beach that would be nice to get married on, so that was my excuse as to why we weren't going to breakfast just yet, I pretended to get a little lost, drove the long way, only to pull up to the car park to see my mum, dad, Uncle Doug and Aunty Sue walking down the track towards the beach!!! Glen thankfully didn't notice them.
So I had to fake some pregnancy issues so we could sit in the car longer, that part was easy, I was
shaking with nerves, so I said I was feeling light headed too, we waited about 10 minutes and then
started walking down to the beach..
It still wasn't raining, the wind was blowing southerly (which I was told wouldn't happen lol) my hair was an absolute shocking mess again, but what could I do, I didn't realise it would be that windy.

We walked down the path and I could see everyone, Kylie and my dad were to the left of us taking photos of me about to ask Glen to marry me, and everyone else were about a hundred metres away waiting, Glen still didn't notice lol

This is how the conversation at the end of the path went.

Me...."Glen what would you say about getting married today?"

Glen.."Do you like this beach?"

Me... "Yes, would you marry me today?"

Glen.."We'll have to get everyone up here"

Me pointing to everyone.... "they're already here, see?"

Glen... "oh ... OH"

it finaly dawned on him lol

he kissed me over and over and hugged me and I knew it could rain, and I could be a mess, I could be the size of an albino walrus, and this would still be one of the happiest days of my life :)

The girls came running over to hand me my flowers, they were beautiful, the girls and the flowers.The celebrant came over to speak to Glen alone to make sure I wasn't forcing him into marrying me
And then my girls, Glen and I walked over to everyone to and they were just as happy for us as we were.

The ceremony started with asking permission from A & B

Then an introduction that I wrote about how Glen and I met almost 11yrs to the day (it was actually the
7th November that we met)Allira did the first reading which was an Irish Blessing (Glen has Irish citizenship)

We then had a "sand ceremony" I didn't use coloured sand, we got sand from Merewether Beach and sand from Zenith beach to pour into a bowl.

Bianca then read the second reading which was from Glen's mother, it made Glen very emotional.

Next was our vows and rings, Glen and I both did our vows from the heart, neither of us had anything written down, we exchanged rings, which were beautiful.

We then had a hand blessing which was lovely...

The rain stayed away until we left the beach over an hour and half later, we had dolphins near the shore when were saying our vows and signing the register and there were crows, two animals which are important to me.
Our lunch at Merrets was beautiful, and having only 10 guests was lovely.

Our wedding was perfect for us We stayed at the Anchorage until Sunday, and I think we smiled the whole time

We are so happy, this is where we are meant to be

5 more sleeps! 6 more weeks!

2009-10-12T08:32:00.000+11:00

I Love this new photo, I love my compact bump
I am much better,
I have contacted ACE,
I got through a tummy bug which almost had me running to hospital because I couldn't keep anything in, not even water, but it didn't last long and 12 hrs into it I managed to keep water down. Bianca was very impressed at being asked to empty my vomit bucket :)

This year is going so quickly

5 sleeps til Glen gets here!

That comes with it's own little set of excitement and fears
I haven't lived with anyone other than my girls since 2003 and it's been quite nice actually, I like the freedom, but Glen is wonderful when it comes to my needs.
Cooking for him will also be different, I feel like I have to impress him with 50's housewife meals every night, where as a lot of nights here we play surprise chef and grab things out of the fridge and cupboards and cross our fingers that something edible is created. And Glen is a fussy bitch with some foods, doesn't like Indian (one of our favourites) doesn't like seafood (blah blah blah, I can't wait til I can have crab, king prawns and oysters again) and I'm too lazy to cook separate meals so I suppose he'll be making dinner for himself some nights :)
Hopefully he wont miss having high fructose corn syrup in everything.... that was one of my big hates in America, it seems like it's in EVERYTHING
so I'm sure there'll be some little problems as we settle in, but we'll get through them, if not, there are numerous pubs in this town that he can go to :)

6 weeks til due date!
I spent over an hour with my midwife and OB last week and we went through everything. I love how they are willing to listen to my wants during my labour, and are willing to compromise on some of their protocols, which is the opposite of a lot of stories that other women who want VBACs have written about. And my Ob thinks that email I received was ridiculous. He checked my fluid again and the level was 21!!! which is well into normal :)
I have another big scan next week to check the baby's growth etc, but I'm sure it's all good. Baby is probably a little small because of the stress I have put myself through this pregnancy.

I am so excited about my Pregnancy Ritual at Rose Cottage that is coming up, I've never had a baby shower or anything like it, and I know the Ritual will be something special, my girls are excited and one of my closest friends is coming up from Wollongong for it which means a lot to me, but my friend of 28 yrs wont come, which hurts, but it's her choice not to attend.

Lisa and the other ladies at the cottage, I am so grateful for this Ritual, thank you

In a couple of hours there is a baby shower for Glen and I in New York. It's also a going away party for him, but my sister in-law has gone to a lot of trouble to make it about the baby too. Pink and blue m&ms, baby favours etc etc. She's bought Glen a 'new daddy' hat to wear and all the other things they do over there. I really wish the girls and I could have been there for it and then we could have all flown back together, but it wasn't meant to be this time. Glen is playing with his band there too, which I would have LOVED to have seen, he plays guitar, and is brilliant! I got to see them rehearse earlier this year and it was great! Best foreplay ever is watching him play lol
They're going to attempt to hook up a webcam so I can hopefully see what's happening, crossing my fingers that it works.

Back to cleaning out the garage :(
18 yrs of accumulated crap! there's stuff in there that was my ex husbands! that goes straight in the bin :)
Hopefully the car will fit in there sometime this week

P.S It REALLY annoys me that the movie of Where The Wild Things Are is not going to be released in Australia until December 3rd!!!! But opens in America this week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes I know it's all got to do with holidays etc but it still annoys me

xx

Googling and the personal trauma it can cause

2009-10-05T08:25:00.001+11:00

NOTE: this was extremely difficult for me to write

I am writing this to get it out, stop having it bottled up, also so I can keep a record.

Googling is a good thing, but when I got an answer that I never thought I would hear, it has caused me nothing but heartache and stress.

I can start by stating the obvious, this hasn't been an easy pregnancy for me, it's one thing after another, horrible morning sickness, severe anemia, gradually increasing high blood pressure and then it being normal all of a sudden, the sciatica which I am seeing an obstetrics physiotherapist for and then the small for dates and Polyhydramnios. I have been asked by midwives at my appts if I wanted to go ACE services at the hospital, which deals with women with antenatal and post natal depression, I keep saying no because I am putting my tears down to Glen not being here and feeling guilty for putting too much on my girls.

It's been difficult for me and I am sure it hasn't been easy for my girls, but they have been an absolute blessing with everything they have done to help make things a bit easier.

When I first got the diagnosis of Polyhydramnios, I was fairly confident that all it meant was excess fluid and that's pretty normal, the small for dates thing concerned me more because Glen is 6'3 and I assumed this little one would be long too, Bianca was 55cm and 7 pound 12, allira was 53cm and 9 pound 3, and everyone says that babies usually get bigger.

So I started googling when I got home. Excess fluid occurs in 1-2% of pregnancies, wow, so I had a 98-99% of NOT having excess fluid, but I fell into the tiny % of women that did get it.
Then I started reading about congenital problems. I felt sick.

I had been assured many times that my baby looks normal, but I had been talked out of an amniocentesis and that is pretty much one of the only ways to be sure of the common problems such as down syndrome. Yes soft markers do show up in ultrasounds, but not all the time. In hindsight I should have had the amnio for peace of mind now.

At this point I was a bit nervous but not a wreck.
I did more googling, specifically small for dates and Polyhydramnios.
I found a website writtten by a director of maternal-fetal medicine in America. He has a list of questions written by women with Polyhydramnios and he takes the time to answer them. Reading through the questions I found a comment that he says smaller babies and polyhydramnios is something to be seriously concerned about as opposed to bigger babies as this is a big indicator that something could be wrong.

So I wrote to him, I gave what I thought would be enough information to hopefully show that everything looked positive.

Hi, I am 37 and now 31 weeks pregnant with my third baby, last week I had a scan because I am measuring large for dates. The scan showed polyhydramnios with a level of 25. There seems to be absolutely nothing wrong with the baby apart from being small for dates, she was measuring as a 28 week baby instead of 30 weeks. We are absolutely 100% sure of when I conceived, so the dates can't be out. I have done the GTT and my levels are fine, so no gestational diabetes. My other two daughters were born at 7 pound 12 and 9 pound 3. I am concerned about her being small when it seems like most people with polyhydramnios have bigger for dates babies. I didn't have an amnio because my NT test had excellent results. I am getting quite upset about this and wondering what could be wrong. Any information you could give me would be wonderful, thank you.

I hoped for a quick reply but a week later there was nothing. Now during the time I waited for a reply I saw my GP who I have been seeing for 16 yrs and my Obstetrician who has women coming from as far away as QLD to see him, and they both said don't worry and I accepted that. My OB did another scan and said my fluid levels hadn't risen so that was a good sign. So after that appointment I felt great, I stopped worrying and felt like my little one is as perfect as I first thought.

But then I got a reply from the Dr in America

To Tania: I am afraid the combination of polyhydramnios, a smal for gestational age baby, and your age scares me a little too. I have seen this situation MANY times where it turned out the baby had an unsuspected chromosomal abnormality such as Down syndrome. If you have not seen a specialist in maternal-fetal medicine, I strongly recommend you ask your doctor to send you to one. Good luck to you and let us know how things turn out.
Dr T

Well... I went from being happy about Glen's Visa approval to an absolute blubbering mess. I was physically sick and my joy at being pregnant went to a feeling of sickness when the baby kicked and moved and I had to take down scan photos because I cried everytime I saw a picture of my beautiful baby. I felt sick thinking about labour and what was going to come out.

All I could think of was this 'expert' said that he'd seen this "MANY" times and there is a problem and not a small problem but a major chromosomal abnormality. I went into panic mode, I tried getting another scan but he's on holidays, I went to see my GP who called the Dr "stupid, stupid stupid" but all I could think of was that I was the stupid one for not getting the amnio I wanted months ago. I tried to see the OB but he was unavailable. I spent days in tears. I didn't want to look at any baby items, here or in shops and when Boo picked up an outfit in Kmart I cried and cried in the store.
My friend Ky begged me to stop googling but I was trying to find an answer that would be different to what he said, and I couldn't find anything that related to small and polyhydramnios.

On Saturday my neighbour asked me how everything was going, and I couldn't help it, I just burst into tears and as she is a midwife I poured it all out to her. She hugged me a lot and said that she has seen many women with a lot of fluid and the most common thing was a Tracheoesophageal Fistula (TEF) which is a swallowing problem and is found and fixed straight after birth, really nothing to worry about. She also asked about my OCD and I said I was a lot better since things in my life had improved, then she asked "are you using any lotions on your body?" and I admitted that I'm not, I don't use sunscreen, I haven't used a moisturiser on my face in months and I rarely even use the special pregnancy lotions that Glen bought me from Belli because I am worried about the ingredients, she pointed out that this is OCD. She asked if I was like this with my last 2 pregnancies and no they were a breeze compared to how I am now. She said that if I am this anxious then I should think about a ceasarean because my labour wont progress.
She asked why I wont go to ACE services and I admitted to her that I am scared that they'll think I'm crazy and take the baby away from me, she cried and hugged me when I said that :(
It's very difficult to admit my reason and she's the first person I've told that that's how I feel.

Even though I promised not to google anymore, I did one more and made it a more Australian search. And I am glad I did, I wanted to know what normal amniotic fluid levels were, and normal ranges from 5-25! so I am on the higher side of normal! Why have I been so worried! I read a lot of stories on forums, for a condition that only occurs in 1-2% of pregnancies there are an awful lot of stories. There were some very sad stories, but the majority were positive stories and practically all of the women had much higher levels than mine!

I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and that the Dr in America was extremely negligent in what he had said to me.

Through this I have tried not to involve the girls too much because I don't want them to be upset because of how I am feeling or because they could think there is something wrong with their new sibling.
But sadly I am resenting Glen at the moment, he gets to continue to live his single baby free life in New York, he goes out every weekend, while I feel forgotten by him and he's able to distance himself from all of this, while I struggle to cope with everything that gets thrown my way.

There's about 6 1/2 weeks to go until I can hold my little one and there'll be no more googling for me

Good News! Visa Approved!!!!!

2009-09-30T08:09:00.002+10:00

Just when I thought our case officer had gone on holidays.....

Glen got a call this morning to say his Visa has been approved!

I am so happy! Lots of happy tears

I was so worried that he'd have to go back to New York a few weeks after the baby arrives, so this is the best news that we could have hoped for :)

It's a beautiful day, month, year, life

2009-09-28T09:05:00.000+10:00

Thank you for emails from concerned people, I appreciate it.

Quick update on the baby front...
can't believe there's only 7 1/2 weeks to go!!!

I luckily have a brilliant Obstetrician at JHH who took the time to answer my list of questions, he's also very much for vaginal deliveries after cesareans.
He did a quick scan to check my fluid and said that it hadn't increased which is great! And the baby has turned, it's head down and is still extremely active.

We're kind of ready for the baby. Over the years I have hoarded so much stuff that there's no room for the baby or Glen, plus we live in a tiny 2 bedroom flat, I have been cleaning things slowly, but we're getting there, trying to decide whether markets or a garage sale would be the right way to go. Attempting to make room for Glen's stuff in my cupboard is difficult, I have the most gorgeous, ethereal, gothic, feminine, princess, hippy, etc dresses and I am struggling to part with any of them! Hope all he needs to put in there is a couple of shirts and a suit lol

Things are progressing though, I was trying to decide what kind of car seat I should get, and then I got a sheep skinned lined baby capsule for free! Got the pram off ebay, brand new from a lovely lady in Mayfield who I still keep in contact with, there's lots of clothes, just need somewhere for the little one to sleep when it gets home, I have a beautiful antique hooded basinette that I bought when I was pregnant with A, I need to get it out of the garage (yes I said I was a hoarder, I keep everything) and scrub it and keep it in the sun for a while when all this dust and wind settles down. I've got a new tea tree mattress for it, so looks like all I need now is Glen to get here in 18 days 22 hours and 28 minutes and then for labour to start :)

I have been thinking about my life last year, I was abused and struggling to find my strength. Reading a blog post I wrote a year ago and I found this..

A "asked me why I was happy today, I told her that if I spent the morning miserable then that is how I would spend my day and isn't it better to have a happy day"
And this
"I said to my mother "what did I do to deserve to be treated like this for so long?" and straight away I answered my own question, I believe that this is a small dark dead end alley on my path, I was given this because I needed it to move on and find my strength, so I am ok."

I found my strength, with the help of many people. Last year I would never have guessed that within a year I would be engaged to a man I have loved for 11 years, and having a baby.
I can honestly say I have no regrets for what the abuser put me through, because it took that to get me where I am now.

I hope everyone has the happies :)

But it's not cooked enough yet

2009-09-19T09:52:00.002+10:00

I had contractions yesterday at 3pm til about 4.15pm.
I didn't realise they were regular, but I was on the phone to a friend who was actually timing them and they were every 5 minutes.
They weren't braxton hicks contractions, they were low and painful.
I called the hospital, they were reassuring and wonderful. Thankfully the contractions stopped and I didn't need to go to in.

There's just too many unexplained things going on, why the high blood pressure for 15 weeks that suddenly disappeared? the anemia? the polydramnios? my baby being small?

I read that polyhydramnios with a small baby can indicate a chromosomal abnormality

I'm scared there's something wrong and it just isn't being picked up on the scans

Why isn't there a help line for pregnant woman who feel like they're about to lose it?

Polyhydramnios - my baby has an olympic pool

2009-09-08T20:03:00.002+10:00

Had to blog this tonight because it's my birthday tomorrow and I don't want to cry tomorrow.

I had a scan today because my beautiful baby belly is big and it turns out that I have too much amniotic fluid, it's called "Polyhydramnios"
It can indicate that there's some kind of abnormality, but they've reassured me that our little one looks absolutely perfect, but that's not always 100%. It could mean that because there is lots of room in my belly, the baby will happily stay transverse and I wont get a vaginal delivery which is something I really wanted to experience.

There could be other reasons for the excess fluid, but who knows.
Information on Polyhydramnios

The baby is measuring small for dates and as I was only in New York for 2 weeks and Glen is definitely the father.. we know the dates aren't out, but good news it's not small enough to worry about.

I have to have another scan in 4-6 weeks, I'll wait til Glen gets here in 6 weeks.

I am so in love with my little one, it has the most adorable face, I can't wait til I can smother it with kisses :)

Cranky pants, a baby belly, 29 weeks and finally a date!

2009-09-03T12:06:00.002+10:00

Not much has happened in the last few weeks, I spend most of my time at home because of the anemia and my back ache, they exhaust me, but both are improving.
Weight gain is still tearing up the charts making me into super blimp, but what should I expect when I don't move much because I'm so tired all day every day. Can't wait til the water is warmer so I can do laps down at the ocean pool.

Cranky pants are directed are directed at Vodafone, their service has been super crap over the last couple of months, every few weeks I can't send texts to Glen, one time it lasted almost 2 weeks! And when I ring and talk to someone from India, we go through the same thing over and over, put this into your phone, do that, does it work now... and I am always polite, they're only doing their job, but I really want to scream!

The visa process has been ridiculous. After over a month we still don't have a case officer, they don't answer questions when Glen calls, it's very frustrating considering people who have put their forms in after us have a case officer and their visas are being processed. I think they're punishing us because they think we got pregnant on purpose, and considering I never thought I'd ever be able to get pregnant again, they're very very wrong.

Glen is coming out here in October regardless of whether there is a visa or not, he has to come out on a visitors visa, so it's only for 3 months and he'll have to go back, he has to be here for the birth in November. But as soon as he leaves America, his prospective spouse visa will go on hold, they'll stop processing it, so he'll be back in America in January, and then god knows when they'll grant the visa.

There'll be no wedding before the baby is born, which is disappointing, but we can't get married without the visa, we're talking about having a Handfasting, and then off for a hornymoon, we'd like a few days away, to lay in the sun, just relaxing without having to take a newborn with us.

I'm now 29 weeks, can't believe how quick it has gone!
I am big for my weeks so my dr wants me to have a scan to check on amniotic fluid etc, so next week, the day before my birthday, we have another scan, can't wait to see my little one again :)

I've been taking photos for Glen and yesterday I fell in love with my belly again. I know it would be hard for people to understand, but it's a head thing, I'd convinced myself I'd never be able to get pregnant again, and I had been so overweight for so long that sometimes when I see my reflection, I forget I'm pregnant and just see myself from a year or more ago when I was very overweight and unhappy. I only had a few weeks of being a size 12-14 this year before I got pregnant, seeing pictures of my belly yesterday, helps me remember that I am pregnant and a lot of my weight gain is due to really being pregnant :)

Like I said, it's a head thing... I am blessed and my belly is beautiful

Isn't this a lovely trip :)

2009-08-10T09:41:00.000+10:00

Have had an eventful few weeks. Ups and downs and round and rounds

My visa stuff for Glen went 'missing'. Australia Post did their job of getting it to America within 3 days of me mailing it and then *poof* it disappeared. I paid for registered post and I will never ever do that again, cos as I have found on my numerous googles, they supposedly hang on to registered post articles for some reason. Why they would do this is beyond me. Glen and I both made numerous phone calls to USPS (United States Postal Service) Customs in LA and to Australia Post, and no one could/would tell us anything except what we could see for ourselves on the USPS website, which says That it was in LA awaiting delivery!
But it was delivered 8 days ago! (a month after I sent it) and the website still says it's in LA! hopeless hopeless hopeless!!!!

It was extremely stressful actually, because of the amount of info that was in that envelope that I would have to get done again. My friends who wrote the support statements were both going through their own personal problems, death and illness, and even though I made them aware of what was going on, I would never tell them to hurry up and write new statements. One of them was angry at me because she was worried that her identity would be stolen?! yeah hers would be stolen even though all that I had of her was a photocopied page of her passport, in that envelope was every damn identifying paper and photo that anyone could ever want of me. Luckily the papers were delivered about 4 hours after I spent hours and hours photocopying everything that I had to do to resend. After lots of tears (lots n lots n lots) our applications are at the embassy in Washington DC. If you're wondering why it took us this long to send our forms in, it's because the FBI took 5 months(!!!!!!!!!) to send Glen his report which was needed for the application.

I'm almost 6 months pregnant now, it's exciting and challenging.
Feeling this little one beating me on the inside is funny and the girls think it's hilarious watching her use me as a kicking/punching bag.
Blood pressure is perfect, weight is just zooming up, blah whatever, atleast I am strecth mark free, Glen still thinks I'm beautiful and I get compliments which is really lovely :)
Boo didn't help when one day she said "You dress like you've given up" lol trackies are comfy and I have eczema on my breast so I don't like wearing a bra, usually wear them when I leave the house, but that's it. The eczema came up when I was stressing about my Visa papers and it wont go away, can't use my steroid cream, and tea tree oil hasn't been proven safe in pregnancy. I'll have to ask my Doc, I'll write it on my hand because when I see her I forget about my breast.
It's hard to get in to see her at the moment.
Started having the dizzies, fast heart rate, short of breath etc, Just sitting at the computer or talking on the phone for a few minutes has me puffed and dizzy.
Tried getting into my Dr, no can do it was going to take over a week. Was quite bad last Friday, called Dr again, got a good receptionist who told me no appointments for over a week and a half and I said "what, does everyone think they've got swine flu" she said "exactly"
I explained what was going on, she said she'd talk to my Dr and get back to me, 15 mins later she called back and said my Dr wanted to see me that day. VERY happy about that. Spent the morning with my friend and if I wasn't with her I would have called an ambulance, I was in a bad way, apparently I was grey, nice complexion and I would have loved to have passed out, it would have been better than how I was while sitting in a chair.
Dr thinks I'm anemic, which I laughed at because at the time it was funny :)
She laughed at me when I was sitting on the chair because I was kind of spread out bogan like with my big belly, I said "Yes I know I'm huge" and she said "just think of the present you'll get at the end" and I said "Yep diamond earrings" she laughed, but I'm serious :)
So Glen, emerald cut diamonds, to match my engagement ring will be nice, thanks.

I am loving being pregnant though, it's a big difference to when I was pregnant with the girls, they were easy pregnancies (hell deliveries). I'm going to slow down on wearing jeans and tshirts, my tops ride up and Boo always feels like she has to pull it down for me lol I put a dress on yesterday and fell in love with my belly :)
I feel so feminine and blessed. I never thought we would get pregnant so easily, this baby just melts my heart, I adore every bump, kick, tumble that she does inside of me, I can't wait to meet her.

Names for our little one have been interesting, the boy was kind of easy, because Glen has a thing for the name Magnus, I refused but then gave in and said we could have it as a middle name because it's important to Glen and Glen's important to me.
So Saxon Magnus for a boy, both very strong, masculine names and the Magnus part has grown on me.
The girl's name is a bit harder though, we keep settling and I keep changing my mind. I've always loved the name Gisele, ever since I saw my dad's birth certificate and saw that his mum's name was Gisella, Boo was almost Gisele. We've settled on the first name as being Gisele, but I keep changing the middle name, I can't even remember what we had a few months ago, but now I like Gisele Rosalia, Rosalia was my dad's grandma's name. I like it, it's old fashioned and pretty. But now I like Gisele Aurelia (or ray lee yah) I just think Aurelia is so beautiful! and has a kind of mystical calmness about it.

Can't believe there's only 3 months left!! It's gone so quick!

shower time :)

xx

Question time..When is someone considered family?

2009-07-17T06:33:00.002+10:00

So... I have a friend and that has a family bbq to attend this weekend.
The friend's sister in law (SIL from now) has declared that it is FAMILY ONLY

And don't you dare attend if you aren't family!

Which means that friend's son's girlfriend (FS and FSG respectively) and friend's son's girlfriend's toddler son (FSGTS) are not 'allowed' to attend because they aren't considered family by SIL because FS and FSG aren't married! but they have been together for over a year!!
FSG has helped FS through a lot of tough times, always stood by him and helped him back on his feet and FS has been a daddy to her little boy.

Friend is very hurt and disgusted by this, and is considering not attending the bbq, she thinks FSG is being excluded because she is from a poor family and english is her second language and she has never been completely accepted.

So when does someone become 'family'?
and what would you do?

Facebook ?

2009-07-14T18:30:00.002+10:00

Sooooo......... I'm bored bored bored.

Missing Boo, who I put on a bus today to go up the coast to spend a few days away from me and her sister. She's with the sweet boyfriend and his family and I am stressing!!!!!!
I texted the boyfriend and told him he'd better be at the bus stop to get her or I would be rather upset.. and of course he was, so I feel 0.5% better

I started up that Facebook thingy again, it has bad juju, but I am facing the facebook demons and trying to figure it out, seriously though is there a tutorial or something!

I am completely clueless!

a wall? photos that aren't even of me?

can't even have a glass of wine to sort through this!!

I need a tutor!!!!

love n smoodges

We're half way!

2009-07-08T09:25:00.000+10:00

I am still stunned that I have a beautiful baby growing inside of me, even when I see scans, It doesn't fully connect that the little one is in me, I am very happy, not detached in any way, just amazed :)
Yesterday we had our 20 week scan (I'll be 21 weeks on Friday)
I didn't have an amniocentesis, which I have regretted slightly but I thought this baby was such a miracle that I didn't want to risk a miscarriage, and my NT scan was low risk. So being told that our baby looks perfect was a relief. No problems of any kind could be seen in the organs etc.

The scans are unbelievably different to when I had scans with the girls, the 4D pictures are just beautiful. It was funny watching the little one play with the umbilical cord :)

The sonographer saw the sex of the baby, I asked her to write it down and put it in an envelope, I'm not sure if I want to know, Glen doesn't want to know, the girls are desperate to find out, I'm sure they'll be studying the scan dvd this afternoon. I thought it would be nice to all find out together :)

And onto the photos!
I just love the nose and lips picture, beautiful baby lips!

Looks like it's singing :)

Shy baby

I'm just so happy!!

It's Good News Day!

2009-07-01T09:26:00.002+10:00

It's amazing what a difference a few numbers can make.

My blood pressure was 123/65!!! That's the lowest it's been for 15 weeks, I am so happy! Family is happy, Doctor is very happy. Happy happy happy!

Must have been the cottage's magical healing properties :)
Was wonderful going back there and seeing everyone again.

Just so happy!
xx

blah

2009-06-24T11:09:00.003+10:00

very very emotional
crying a bit and at everything
doctor's appt yesterday, blood pressure not good, blood tests for kidney issues, checking for pre eclampsia.
I thought I was doing the right thing, going swimming, watching what I eat, I went into my doctor saying how good I was feeling and then she did my blood pressure and big surprise, I bawled. She weighed me, weight up 4 kgs in 2 weeks, I was so shocked I just stood on the scales and stared at the numbers. She didn't even sign my medical release so I can do prenatal yoga, she wants to wait. So back to the doc in a week. I'm thinking about going back to Prince William, I need some clarity, I feel like I'm falling and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I'm so scared that something is going to happen to the baby.
I know being upset is not helping my blood pressure, it's not that easy.
I feel very alone

I can't believe they showed this in science class!!!

2009-06-17T09:59:00.002+10:00

I'm a bit shocked that this video was shown to a yr 10 science class, yeah it's funny and I laughed, ok I laughed a lot, but wow. Umm.. could be offensive to some.

The Puberty Pals - Watch more Funny Videos

I think it's over, or it might just be beginning

2009-06-12T09:46:00.002+10:00

Had a good few weeks, ups and downs as usual, but it was lovely to have Glen here for 2 weeks . Have been so tired, I'm usually asleep by 8.30pm and now I am sleeping til about 6-7am, and my morning sickness has finally stopped (this week) and my skin has cleared up, so yay!

Pregnancy is still weird
weight is going up and up and up and so is my blood pressure :(
I have to see my doc regularly for blood pressure checks and it's looking like I'll be on medication soon.
At one visit she couldn't find the baby's heartbeat, spent ages trying to find it, so we were put in straight away for an ultrasound and our baby is still alive and kicking and Glen got to see it which was wonderful, so did Bianca's friend Paul who was holding back the tears, was quite funny, poor kid showed more emotion than everyone in the room put together lol and now he desperately wants to come to the 20 weeks scan, he's even made me his top friend at myspace ahahahaha, of course he can come.

Had another check at the Doc on Tuesday and my pressure is up again, we're hoping that with Glen going home and my nausea over, I should be able to relax more (because I was trying to show Glen all the things I love about Newcastle and the Hunter) and try and bring things back to normal. I joined a gym yesterday that has an indoor heated pool where I can just pay pool fees, no gym fees etc, only $29 a month and I can swim daily again, I haven't been swimming since February, and it's my happy place, so crossing fingers that my pressure and weight will start becoming stable. I don't have any fluid retention, my ring is still loose so that's a good sign. Doc said she might be sending me for gestational diabetes tests etc earlier than normal to check to see what in the world is going on. Could be something medical, or could be that my body wants to go to back to how it was before I was losing all the weight. I didn't have any problems when I was pregnant with the girls, but I was much younger then.
I think I did too much yesterday at the pool, swam my km but was then sick for the rest of the day, might halve it today and see how that goes. Will also be starting some prenatal yoga soon too.

Glen bought a HI-bebe doppler over from America, so we can check the heartbeat and he can hear it over the phone, I have been good and have only used it occasionally, like the day Glen was leaving so he could hear his baby again before he left.
It will come in handy when I go into labour, because I don't want to go into hospital before I really really have to (if my blood pressure goes back to normal) I know that they will monitor me a lot because I've had 2 cesareans and I don't want to be strapped to machines and unable to move around, it's really important to me to have more control over this labour because of how the other 2 went, and I can't have another epidural because the last one dropped my pressure to 40/20 and I'm just happy we're both still alive. So with the doppler I can see how the baby is going through the contractions.

So, he left again last sunday morning, breaks my heart everytime we say bye at the airport, I think we're up to 12 times now. We don't know when we'll see each other again. His visa is taking forever because of all the paperwork we have to wait for. We've finally decided that his FBI report is god knows where because it shouldn't take 3 months to arrive. They wont give him answers when he calls, so he's going to apply for it again. None of this is helping my blood pressure. Scares me that he wont be here for the baby's birth.

We've finally agreed on names!! no more waiting for some bell to ring in his head when he hears a name! I did say hell no to some of the names on his list, like "Bertram" I don't know wtf he was thinking lol But he did say no to 99.9% of my llist, I like Callista and Willow dammit!

and on a side note, this is me wearing numerous layers in Quebec in February, I had lost so much weight, I'm glad I got a few weeks to actually like the way I look lol now I just look fat again, waiting for that baby belly!!! That in between look makes me feel like I did a year ago, so I avoid mirrors at moment. I do love being pregnant, and I do love it when I look pregnant, it's all a head thing at the moment because I forget I'm pregnant and just see gigantor from last year.
Ok swimming time, time to get out amognst people which I haven't been doing for the past 4 months :)

Scuse me while I throw up

2009-05-14T11:15:00.001+10:00

Have been avoiding a lot lately.

Still trying to deal with this 'morning sickness', frustrated by a friend who tells me that morning sickness stops at 12 weeks and anything past that is a bacterial infection. Uh huh, yes so the 24 weeks of being sick with Allira was a bacterial infection? I don't think so, and as I prefer to avoid yelling at people, I just choose to not call her now, I take her calls, but thankfully she understands that I prefer to just be on my own when I am feeling sick 24 hours a day, and I can't throw a grapefruit at her head when she mentions "bacterial infection"

I had my nuchal scan last monday, the girls came with me, I want them to experience as much of this as they can, and I thought that seeing their baby brother or sister would be wonderful for them. Little Gary is adorable, scan lady was laughing because the first views we got of her were her jumping around straightening her legs. She's a very active little bub.

This is my favourite picture. It makes me giggle when I think of or see it :) It was pretty much the first view of her.

That's not necessarily a penis btw
even though I've been feeling for weeks that it's a boy, we still don't know yet and Glen doesn't want to find out til she's born.

It was very surreal seeing little gary.
I still haven't convinced myself that I am pregnant, it's just not real, I suppose that sounds very odd, but it's very very different to when I was pregnant with the girls.
I had convinced myself that after my fertility problems and my ovary issues, that I wouldn't get pregnant without some kind of help whether it be clomid again or IVF. And I was only with Glen for 2 1/2 weeks (him living in another country doesn't make seeing each other easy) and I got my period the day I left Australia, and I have had ONE four week cycle since I was 11!!!

It is exciting though :)
I've gained so much weight! But I'm ok with that, I'm not moving much, and there are only certain foods that I want to eat right now, very bland foods like eggs, potatoes, sweet potatoes and chicken, but then I could suck down a lemon tart in a few seconds, loving the lemons mmmmm

I've been in maternity jeans since I was 6 weeks pregnant. And oh wow are they comfortable! the KMart ones are the best!! I will wear them after the baby is born, especially to all you can eat buffet dinners :)
At the scan, there were 5 other women, every single other one had a flat tummy, and I am a walrus, Bianca noticed it too, was kind of amusing to see how big I am compared to ther 12 week women.

Only 9 more days til Glen gets here! YAY!!!!!!
He's bought a hi-bebe doppler so he can hear the heartbeat, and so when he goes home, he can hear it over the phone :)

Doctor's appt soon, have pains, I think it might still be the cyst, oh well, we'll see :)

Happy 13th Birthday Allira!

2009-04-27T07:54:00.001+10:00

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY 13th BIRTHDAY

(for yesterday)

Sorry I didn't do this yesterday, and I promise I'll make up for not doing much by giving you a 13th birthday party when things are better
Thank you for being understanding

I love you!!!

All day morning sickness cures, relievers, anyone?

2009-04-24T16:29:00.001+10:00

I'd forgotten how horrible all day morning sickness is
but as bad as this is, it's still better than it was with Boo (lasted til 12 weeks) and Allira (lasted til 24 weeks)
I am nauseous, but not throwing up (as I did with my girls) actually I've thrown up twice, once with a hot chocolate and another time with some tea that was supposed to settle my tummy.

It's sucking the life out of me, I function

I'm doing trial and error with things that help
I thought being home would make me feel better than I was feeling in New York, nope I feel just as bad here.

My Preggy Pop drops made me worse today
Ryvitas before I get out of bed are ok, vita wheats are a no no
Weet-Bix makes me want to knock myself unconscious for the day
An egg for breakfast makes me feel slightly better, and a walk down to the beach seems to settle me a little too

It's a shit that this time is so important for development but almost every food makes my tummy turn, so I am trying to remember to take a vitamin every night.
I hate that Glen is so far away and not here to do anything for me. My 'horror'mones are exactly that and I am sick of farting!!

Anyone have any ideas? anything that worked for you?

Glen you're getting a vasectomy, I'm not having another one :P

It's baaaaaaaaack ....doodle loodle

2009-03-31T10:11:00.004+11:00

Spent the night in hospital, dr was worried about ectopic pregnancy because of progressively worsening pain on my right side. So after being hooked up to a drip and crying after poor Dr Ann-Maree poked and prodded my tummy, I had a scan. Gary (the baby's nickname) is in the right spot :)
so she's not ectopic.
Good news
But
the cyst in my right ovary is back :(

So I'm kind of in limbo at the moment, don't know what's going on

PS
I heard the heartbeat and saw my little speck of dust on the ultrasound, I cried lol

Well now.. didn't expect this :)

2009-03-19T20:05:00.001+11:00

So... little bit over due, nothing new, but the weight loss had made me a bit more regular

Guess what else it made me!!!
Fertile!

Test one, 5.30am this morning, watching the pee move up the window
First line appears,
rightio then,
second line appears,
what?!?!
two lines? that means negative? even though i knew it didn't, next thought?
Oh shit

Second test, yep still pregnant lol

Lordy!

And Arella decided to eat the box :)

We're shocked, especially considering my age and my ovaries, I had a less than 15% chance of becoming pregnant

But we're also very very happy :)
(so no comments asking me if we're happy ok?)

This is the universe's way of making sure Glen and I are never apart again

Happy Blogaversary to me, 4 years!

2009-03-15T16:04:00.000+11:00

Well hasn't time flown
Yes indeedy

It's very handy having a 'diary' to read back on and see what's gone on over the last four years, where my head and heart were and how far I've come.

So what's changed...

I started the blog when I started a PCOS diet study, and I was 101kgs, so that's changed. If anyone has PCOS and is struggling with losing weight, contact Kate Marsh at Northside Nutrition and Dietetics in Hornsby. It doesn't take that long to get there by train or car (from Newcastle) and it's worth it just to talk to someone who can help and doesn't judge you. It was with her help that I finally started losing weight and keeping it off. Don't let any one in the medical profession tell you you have PCOS because you're overweight! It's such a misconception and very damaging.
So yeah, over 20kgs have gone, and I feel great!!

Reading posts about being heartbroken over two guys, one I am still friends with, and the other the Abuser, are sort of bizarre.
I wasn't 'allowed' to post much during 2007, because the abuser got upset with anything I said, there were a few entries, but I deleted them, it was easier than getting yelled at, actually it was usually after I got yelled at that I deleted them, and then I got yelled at for deleting them hahaha. God how did I let someone control me so much! It's ok, I know the answer to that :)

Life is so much better now, I haven't been this happy in years, my relationship with my daughters is fantastic, yes even when they hide important mail from me, I am engaged to the most perfect man for me. We've known each other for over 10 years and we're finally going to be together.. in the same country.. as husband and wife!
He wasn't the first guy to propose to me since my marriage broke up, but he was the first guy I loved, and trusted enough to say yes.

So many changes
I've shrunk, I've grown, I've matured (yes I have :)
I'm happy, I'm relaxed, I've learnt

I don't regret anything, because without those problems I wouldn't have gotten the help I needed.

Life is good!!

Free.. two Children...to a home, doesn't even have to be a good one

2009-03-10T11:35:00.001+11:00

I am very upset at the moment,

trying to find some good

I had a feeling that there was going to be flat inspection, I kept asking the girls for the mail, but there was supposedly none. When I was in America, I asked if there was a letter from the Real Estate agency, they said no, this morning I call the agent, and yes there was an inspection, this morning while I was out at the dentist. House is an absolute mess! like a "Today Tonight" house and I'm not joking, it's bad. Jet lag and children who hate me every time I ask them to help has not made a clean house.

Plus they saw the cats, I know it's bad and I shouldn't have lied about them, but we were desperate for a house.

I am sickened. Real Estate is not happy, they were surprised considering how clean it usually is.

oh where's the tequila :(

Home again, home again, jiggity jig

2009-03-09T17:13:00.000+11:00

Have been home for 4 days, am happy to be here, but it was hard leaving New York too, I was a bit of a mess at the airport and the check in person who I can't remember his name (I was a blubbering mess, that's my excuse) even came to the boarding gate because he changed my seat assignment to make me more comfortable, and Clinton the flight attendant (is that what they're still called?) on QF108, was an absolute godsend. He took care of me, and was absolutely wonderful, have written a letter to QANTAS to tell them so. I have never been treated so kindly by anyone in any kind of service industry, I can't say enough good things about my flight from New York to Los Angeles. And LA to Sydney was pretty damn wonderful too, I have never seen such good people working on a QANTAS flight before, I got lucky.

I loved seeing my girls again :)
It was fun torturing them while they waited for their pressies.

I'm pretty sure they liked all their gifts.

I am a sucky flyer, jetlag stays with me for up to and possibly beyond a week. I'm still waking up between 3 and 4.30am and can't get back to sleep. So I usually call Glen :)
I would use my laptop to keep going with wedding preparations but I've come home to

A BROKEN LAPTOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but no one knows how it broke, flippin laptop pixies who like to break things must have come over while I was gone. Oh and the good part is, my extended warranty with Harvey Norman WONT COVER IT, because they decided it was user fault, cos a broken bit of plastic has made it so I can't even turn it on!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Never mind, it means that I have taken over the desk top which is in their room and have changed the background picture to one of Glen and I and they are under strict orders not to change it, and when they complain about me being in their room I just say 'SHOULDN'T HAVE BROKEN MY FLIPPIN LAPTOP THEN" mwahahahahaha

Have created two new pages for wedding plans, one for Newcastle and one for New York. The date in Australia has been set for November 6th 2009 and New York is sometime after that, maybe the 14th or 21st.

Newcastle http://weddingnewcastle.blogspot.com
New York http://weddinginnewyork.blogspot.com

So family and friends can see where we're up to in our planning cos we're all over the world

*yawn*

jetlag sucks

toodle pip

ENGAGED!! engaged, engaged, engaged!!!

2009-02-24T18:50:00.001+11:00

Yes!
me!
ME who usually throws up at the thought of getting married again, is actually going to get married again!! and I wasn't sick, I wasn't nervous, just so very very happy.

Glen, aka Mr NY, asked me to marry him yesterday at Le Chateau Frontenac in Quebec Canada.
It had been snowing all day and we'd been walking around old Quebec (which is a walled city, 400 years old) and we had had such a wonderful day, he surprised me and proposed at 2:53pm (I'm a numbers person, I need to know times/dates etc). We celebrated by walking 30 minutes in the dark, in the heavy snow, to a micro brewery, lol yes... we shared 8 beers to celebrate our engagement, and I wouldn't have chosen any other way.

My ring is gorgeous. White gold with a small emerald cut diamond surrounded by 14 little diamonds and there are 7 diamonds set in each side of the band. It's 'art deco' antique style and is completely different to anything I have ever liked. It absolutely perfect!

The Chateau is an amazing hotel and they were so wonderful! We had a 'signature room' with a turret, it was upgraded because Glen told them he was going to propose over the weekend. They sent us some maple fudge which was sooooooo good! and a lovely formal letter congratulating us.

Glen and I have known each other since October 1998, there have been many trips for both of us back and forth from New York to NSW. We have tried being with other people, but no one came close to the way we felt about each other. He is the kind of man who would do anything to make me happy. When we walked on icy pavements in Montreal, he walked behind me in case I slipped so he could attempt to catch me, when the snow was heavy and smacking me in the face, Glen walked in front of me so he could block it from hitting me. He's 6'3 to my 5'2 (and maybe a half) He is kind and considerate, he is a brilliant guitar player, he loves the girls like they were his own. He asked for their permission to ask me to marry him, then he asked my parents and then he jokingly asked my best friend, the bitch said "no refunds cos she's used" lol she's lucky I love her!

I am just so happy!
I had a great time gaining weight in Quebec, how could I not! being a French settled area, the patisseries and the boulangeries were irresistable, I died in baguette heaven this morning!! cheeses, meats, eclairs, hot chocolate, wonderful coffee.... oh I love Quebec!

There will be two weddings, one in New York and one in Newcastle somewhere. It will involve aspects of both of us. I will wear a virginal white traditional dress and silver shoes, but there will be hand fasting, there will be roses, candles and ivy, there will be no "til death do we part" because I believe love goes beyond death, and I will make the cake, it will be perfectly us :)

I would love to put photos up, but it's almost 3am and Glen is asleep and the card reader is in there, I don't sleep very well over here... so photos will be posted eventually!

yay for being super happy :)

I haven't been reading any blogs, this is the first time I have been online in ages, I've been too busy traipsing around New York City (I LOVE NYC.. so good to be back) and various places in Canada, I will read everything eventually :)

My Girls

2009-02-13T05:19:00.003+11:00

I just want to say that I love my girls more than any words could ever express.

They are the most beautiful, loving, caring, fun daughters that anyone could ever hope to be blessed with.

I will always love you both and no matter where I am, I have you with me in my heart

I love you

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

True Aussie Heroes

2009-02-11T09:35:00.001+11:00

Those who fought to save their families, their pets, and their homes, and those who died trying.
The men and women who fought fires and saved lives.
The medical teams
The veterinary teams
The volunteers
Those who are raising donations
And those who are donating their time and money

Every person involved in the Bushfires, are heroes.

I admire their strength during this horrific time.

It's heartbreaking and not a day goes by that I haven't cried.

My family was stuck in a bush fire when I was 8. We were scared, in awe and very lucky.

There are many ways for people to help, please don't forget the animals

The Red Cross
Wildlife Victoria
Donate to RSPCA Victoria
The Salvation Army

The good news and the good news

2009-02-09T14:15:00.000+11:00

Well I've had my big 2009 wake up slap from the universe and we're only a few weeks in!

I questioned myself a lot last week, and one of the reasons which I didn't write about was because during a run last Tuesday night, an invisible being stuck a red hot poker into my chest, left side of my breast. Holy crap it hurt!
I stopped running of course and walked the rest of the way home. The pain went away.. and the googling started, maybe it was from xenical, maybe from pushing myself too hard, maybe anxiety, maybe just maybe.. heart issues. Well crap.

Wednesday... I walked little one to school, the pain came again, duller, but still there with every step I took. Pain moved up my chest and was very uncomfortable, but settled when I rested, I cut my exercising in half that day, wondered if I was doing too much, wondered if I stopped doing what I was doing would my weight balloon again.

Thursday... Tried to get into my doctor, no appts, maybe I should've mentioned chest pain and mental head, but I didn't. Made appt for tuesday 10th. Pain continuous throughout the day, only did the school walks. Starting to really worry about my heart. Napped on the lounge in the afternoon, everytime I moved the pain would come back, and this wasn't little ouchy pains this is 'holy wow wtf is happening' pain.
Bianca's birthday was the next day, had to be well. Made tiramisu for Bianca's birthday 'cake' (what can I say, I make awesome tiramisu and it's better than cake lol) and then drove myself off to John Hunter. Gawd.. 50 people in emergency waiting room... but mention chest pains and you zoom into a bed with 50 death stares behind you. I am so grateful to the the Doctor Bianca and the Nurse Rose who took such good care of me! My daughter's name is Bianca Rose so I thought that my doc and nurse having her name was a good sign :)

Wow test after test after test, ecg, heart monitor, chest xrays, blood tests etc, very thorough. Nurse Rose and I had a bit of a giggle when she told me that my resting heart rate is that of a 'very fit person'!! hahahaha not bad for being about 15kg overweight, I'm glad I lost that 22kgs, I'm very impressed with myself. They gave me nurofen, didn't work, they tried a horrid little cocktail they've christened a 'pink lady' which is xylocane and some other stuff which numbed the bejesus out of my throat, it felt like my airways were closing up. At 5am I said, I can go now right.. and just started getting dressed, I had to be home before Bianca woke up because it was her birthday and that was more important. I was told to take it easy and stop exercising for a few days.

Friday... a whole 2 hours sleep, Bianca's birthday, chest pains, couldn't nap, no idea how I didn't pass out from not sleeping my usual 9 hours. Lots of chewable disprin.
Phone call from the hospital "hello this is the cardiac dept, we need you to come in for a stress test, monday morning 10.30am and no exercising this weekend" oh crap again, right then.
I enjoyed my junk food for Bianca's birthday dinner, cocktail fish, scollops, chips and a couple of bites of Boo's burger and Tiramisu.... ooooooh my goodness yum!!!!

Yes I gained weight, it took all of 60 seconds to get over

Pains Saturday, more disprin, no exercising, relaxed feeding stingrays and sharks, very very relaxing, I loved it, no pains for hours after that. Have a look at the video I took of Bianca feeding the ray, so adorable!

Sunday.. no bad pains :) little twinges when walking for about 15mins on the beach.

Today.. pains walking Allira to school *sigh*

Stress test.. well that's a fun way to spend a morning. Debbie was great, very very impressed with the JHH staff that I have encountered during the last week.
It's all good though cos I finally got some good exercise walking and running 4kms on the treadmill at various gradients for 11 mins ;)

The good news is my heart is great, well I'm still waiting for the cardiologist's phone call to confirm it but I'm sure I'm healthy and they told me that my fitness levels are above average!!

The other good news is that I am awake and I understand that I have been pushing myself too hard.
Muscular Skeletal pains hurt, and I'd rather cut my exercise than continue with this pain.

so no more over doing it :)

where did 15 years go?

2009-02-06T13:56:00.002+11:00

My beautiful girl is 15 today

What a joy to come out of a very long labour (thanks JHH)

She is an absolute wonder. A beautiful girl, with a giving, caring nature. I've never seen anyone put more of themselves into the things they find important, she is a very headstrong, intelligent person and can back herself with facts, but she can also accept the ideas of others

I am proud beyond words

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL :)

Which one is the real me?

2009-02-04T14:20:00.003+11:00

Just to warn you, this is about my weight ...

I see my reflection all through the day. I see myself in the mirrors, I see myself reflected in shop windows when I walk my daughter to school, I see myself in photos and I see myself in my mind, and I have no idea which one is the real me.

I've gone from the hundreds, to the nineties, through the eighties and now I'm in the seventies with a total of 22kgs gone. And I know that that is a great achievement! I honestly do. But everywhere I see myself....I look different and it's contributing to a bit of a downer this week.

Because I don't know what I look like

I just want to know who I am physically

The person I see in the bathroom mirror is tanned, with a thin-ish face, great eyes and lips and looks serene

The person I see in my wardrobe door mirror is curvy and saggy, with a jubbly tummy and stretch marky, but she looks good and I like seeing her :)

The person I see in windows.. wow is she me? she looks great! In proportion, happy. I do double takes when I see her (because I don't see her as me)

The person I see in photos is round, chubby faced, big thighs. I don't like her

The person I see in my mind is a lot bigger than photo me. I can't lose her. I want to, but she wont go, she wont lose weight, she is the big girl that wont leave me.

I have put so much of my life into pursuing my dream of being thin, that in the last few months I have turned my OCD(T) from making items 'perfect', into making myself my idea of my perfect. My idea of my perfect, involves stretch marks, scars, saggy boobs and womanly curves, I am not delusional enough to think that I could ever have a super model body, because how many woman actually have one and I really don't want or need one.

So now I exercise, and I exercise maybe a lot?
I exercise for maybe 4 hours a day, walking, swimming and run/jog/walking

I don't have an eating disorder
But I do fear food

Not healthy food.. I fear junk food. It's Boo's birthday on Friday, my gorgeous girl is 15 and because we don't have junk food anymore, she wants a hamburger, chips and scollops for her birthday dinner. I have been worried about this because I know how my body reacts with bad food. It was nothing for me to gain 2-3kgs a week on one junk food session! Yes it's true, very very true.
I'll have to find a happy place in my mind and remember why I am eating it, and I will eat it because it's her birthday and I wont upset her. I think she's worried enough about me.

I think part of it is that if I get one taste of that beautiful hamburger and the old fashioned chips.. I'll go back to eating it regularly, that I'll "fall off the wagon"

My friend Nathan said I am a hostage to my scales.
He said it perfectly
I weigh myself daily...and I write that down on my calender, and please don't say I should weigh myself weekly, because with the massive weight gains I've had, in short amounts of time, I need to know daily how I'm going, so I can make changes if needed.

I'm even making excuses for my clothes!
If my top is baggy I tell myself that it's because it was stretched in the wash
My jeans are baggy because they need a wash to shrink them or they were stretched in the wash/on the line etc

Am I crazy?
Is this a bad thing?
is it an obsession?
have I transferred my fears into this because it's something I can control?
am I using this to avoid other things?
should I go back to Prince William?

Or am I just normal and something clicked and I've finally got the hang of this weight loss health thing?

Where should it go? Opinions please :)

2009-01-23T07:34:00.005+11:00

I am removing things from my house that The Abuser gave me, they've been hidden away for months, and because we are having a MASSIVE clean out, I am taking everything from him to the RSPCA op shop, but I have a big beautiful framed photo of Merewether Baths (where I swim almost daily) from Wide Horizons. I don't want to take it to the op shop and I don't want to sell it because I don't want to profit from anything that that person gave to me.

I was thinking of donating it somewhere...because it is a beautiful photo and I'd like it going somewhere that would make a lot of people as calm as it makes me.. until I remember who gave it to me.

Where would be a good place?

I was thinking about Ronald McDonald house, or the Gynaecology ward at the John Hunter because they took such good care of me when my ovary was almost exploding.

So.... any thoughts on other places I could donate it?

Have a nice Aussie Day long weekend :)

(now with pics) THIS is what I was waiting to write about...

2009-01-19T09:30:00.005+11:00

I knew this day was coming, so I was holding off blogging until I could write this.. but then that letter arrived, blah whatever :)

Way way way back in 2005, I started this blog because I was doing a PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) weight loss study.

My weight when I started was 101kgs, which is 222.6 pounds or 16 stone.

I lost a little bit of weight through the study, gained it all back during a bad relationship... and finally now I can say....

As of this morning.......

I'VE LOST 20 KILOS!!!!!!!!!!!!

(44 pounds and 3.14 stone)

I am now 81kgs, (178.5 pounds and 12.7 stone)

I love exercising too.. wow!

I swim and run/walk/jog, and every day I can run a little bit further.

I feel so good inside.. going from a size 22-24 down to a size 14 makes me want to cry with happiness!

I still have at least 16 kgs to go and that first 20 was hard. I don't want to be super slim, I love being curvy.

Now that my head is in order and my life is flowing, the weight is finally dropping because I am happily putting the effort in.
I started using a weight loss helper about 9 weeks ago, (Thank you G and small man, for all of your help) and that little thing has totally changed the way I view food and has opened my eyes to the fact that I WILL lose weight and I am so grateful for it, with it I have lost 9kgs.

Oh Happy Day!!!!!!!

The catholic church can go fuck themselves... yes there's swearing

2009-01-16T14:09:00.010+11:00

My mood is varying between anger and wanting to cry with frustration, so right now I am so fucking angry.

I married a dickhead, I had two children with that dickhead, we got divorced, dickhead and I had an agreement in regards to the girls, it worked out well for both of us, no complaints ever, dickhead got a bitch pregnant on the first date, bitch told dickhead that she.... "hates the daughters, wants them out of his life because they remind her of me" and that "he wouldn't see their child and child will not have his surname unless her demands were met" I know this because he told me.
Because dickhead is gutless prick, he agreed and started seeing the girls less and less, which was annoying because it meant I couldn't go out, and as of now he has spent 45 minutes with them since August 2000.

Dickhead and bitch wanted to get married, good for them, I didn't care, bitch wanted it in a catholic church, dickhead started an annulment proceeding with the catholic church in 2001.

Diocese (Disease?) of Wollongong contacted me by phone, by mail CONSTANTLY to go and have an interview with them, I said "No I will not attend because I did not force him into marrying me and you cannot tell me that my second daughter should not have been born" But they kept doing it and it upset me and I felt harassed, I told them to quit it, I wanted no part of it and if they kept contacting me I would go to the police to get them to stop. So their contact finally stopped.

My ex father in-law who still sees the girls, told me that the annulment didn't go through and they got married in an Anglican church, yay for them.

Today I get a letter from the Diocese of Lismore, cos dickhead and bitch moved up north to pursue his dream of making surfboards, good on him for living his dream, fuck him for defrauding child support and centrelink by saying he earns diddly squat yet can take nice surfing holidays in Bali, cash in hand is working out well for them, arseholes.

Their fucking letter states "...at the time of the contracting marriage, there was on your part and also on the plaintiff, a grave lack of discretion of judgement"

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

You pack of fucking c*nts with your fucking catholic bullshit!!!

"A grave lack of discretion of judgement"

YOU FUCKWITS

What the hell does that mean? I DID NOT force him to marry me! We weren't 16!

No wonder a lot of people think the catholic system is archaic bullshit, because it is!!!

So I rang them.. and I was furious..
again I told them it was harassment and I don't need to know about it, because there is no way in this world I would ever get married in a catholic church again.
and I did say this "No God damned catholic church will EVER tell me that my second child shouldn't have been born" oh I yelled, a lot.
8 fucking years ago this started, why the hell is it happening again!!!
I screamed at the woman to never ever contact me again. So hopefully this is over. But I doubt it, because they think they can do no fucking wrong!

What gives a religious group the right to decide whether or not my marriage shouldn't have happened?! They disgust me.

Catholic Church you can take your annulments which involve normal, law abiding people, with no history of abuse or anything else that could mean a forced marriage and shove it up your fucking arses!!!

Stupid c*nts

Does Australia Post hate everyone, or just me?

2008-12-30T21:15:00.001+11:00

Why is that Aussie post loses our stuff?

Every Christmas this happens

Gifts for the girls that were sent from Wollongong two weeks ago haven't arrived and my gift from New York hasn't arrived...

Poor Glen felt so bad about my gift from him not being here for me to open on Christmas morning, that he spent almost $200 on flowers, wine and chocolates and guess what...............?

They didn't arrive either!!!!!!!!

I can't blame Australia Post on that one though.
But I will blame a supposed top Australian online florist... should I put the link in?

I wasn't going to wait another day, so I rang the florist this morning, they gave me a wark story about "malfunctioning computer due to the number of orders...."
uh huh...riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight....wow malfunctioning for a week.... and I know nothing about anything....

so basically... the florist couldn't be bothered doing the order.
I said "refund him"

We've had so many things go missing that it's a fingers crossed situation every time something gets posted to us. And it doesn't matter where it's being sent from. Stuff being sent now has to be insured and registered, and it shits me when I buy stuff on ebay in America that I can't get here, they get mailed and they end up in some unknown person's possession and I can't buy them again. Like my a standing teddy bear cake tin, my gorgeous highly sort after silver glitter peep toe stilettos (oh how I miss my silver glitter peep toes that I never got to wear!) And crystal dolphins from Prague that my sister sent to me... DAMMIT!!!

I have bought THE dress, yes THE most beautiful dress, it's a dress I found after looking at over 2000 dresses (it was probably more) and I have fallen in love with THE dress, but THE dress has to remain in New York until I can pick it up, there is no way that I will ever let THE dress be posted to me because I have no faith that THE dress will turn up here and I will never be able to find another one. I will post pictures of THE dress when things are set :)

Farewell to 2008.. you were the worst of years, but also the best..

I am the happiest I've been in years!

AND I am the lowest weight I've been since my sister's wedding in 2000 (that would partly be due to the severe gastro I had on Sunday which had me so nauseated, dehydrated and sick that my dad had to take me to hospital on for injections (and I'm allergic to stemetil and maxalon the normal anti nausea drugs so I was given a phenergan injection... and OMG the pain!!!!)...but as sick as I was I lost a few kilos lol... I can always find a positive :)

BRING ON 2009!!!!

Happy New Year everyone, I hope 2009 is wonderful for you all
I've got big news to share soon.. hopefully :)
xx

Ho ho HO One more sleep til Santa comes!

2008-12-24T09:10:00.002+11:00

Christmas Christmas CHRISTMAS!!!!!

love it love it love it!!!!

I'm sooooo excited for Christmas this year!
It's my favourite day, has been since I was little. It's not because of the gifts, it's because of how we were/are as a family.

Last Friday night we went to Carols by Candlelight in King Edward Park. Which was fun, apparently screaming isn't singing, thanks for letting me know Boo :P

I love Christmas smells, especially pine, cooking smells and spices. There's also a certain freshly unwrapped plastic smell that reminds me of Christmas when I was little and when the girls were little. I love it.

Christmas was never celebrated as a religious event in our home, we did go to Church (every Sunday etc) But Christmas was all about our immediate family. But tonight I am taking the girls to Midnight Mass, I have my reasons for doing it and I think it will be nice for them to experience it.

My family is German and every year we had a live Christmas tree which we chose together and decorated on Christmas Eve, we spent the day cooking traditional German biscuits, and making all kinds of different foods. And on Christmas morning when we unwrapped our gifts, the house smelled like pine, it was amazing and something I will never forget.

We have our Christmas traditions that were started years ago and this year we're adding another one, The Hunter Valley Gardens Christmas lights, thought it would be nice to take the girls up there for dinner and the lights display.

I believe that Christmas is unlike any other celebration throughout the year. Birthdays are for individuals, anniversaries are for couples, Christmas is about family and friends being equal the whole day.

Financially this year, it's our worst Christmas ever, even with Mr Rudd's Christmas bonus, which was already spent on bills. But I wont let the financial situation get me down.
Emotionally, I'm fantastic. I have two healthy, happy daughters, the love of someone special, a fantastic family and for the first time in years I'm free from any kind of abuse, what more could I ask for :)

I don't care why Christmas started or where it began, there are so many different cultural beliefs, traditions etc that are now a part of Christmas that it really doesn't matter anymore.

It's about love, togetherness, family, friends, celebration, joy and a million other things.

CHRISTMAS ROCKS!

BIG RANT and elf gifts

2008-12-18T15:00:00.003+11:00

Very happy with how the gifts were received last night.
Almost everyone came up and said thank you, which was really lovely.
I learned something last night... all the worry meant NOTHING, because when I realised that a few people didn't come up and say thanks, I didn't bother worrying myself as to whether or not they liked their gift, I just thought well if they didn't like it then they should've volunteered to be an elf :)

Now my rant...

This morning I was at the RSPCA vet clinic to buy some Advantage for our beautiful cats, and some people walked in with a box, a cute little kitten was poking it's head out.
The first thought in my head was "get out you don't want to hear this"
I wasn't quick enough to get out the door, and I heard the man say

"We just found this box of kittens in the carpark"

My heart sunk, it infuriates me when people are irresponsible with animals.
This is how we ended up with Loki. Because people get animals and can't be bothered having them desexed.
Loki's mum wasn't desexed and she was allowed to wander outside and so was Loki's dad (Loki's dad was later mauled by dogs and Loki's mum was taken to the RSPCA when the family decided they didn't want their six cats anymore) When Loki was born, and Bianca begged me to let her have a kitten, I didn't want to, I knew Arella wouldn't like it and then there's the extra cost. I rang the RSPCA to ask how they were going with abandoned kittens and I remember her saying they were inundated with them, so I gave in and essentially saved a kitten from a needle death.

I searched for numbers on how many animals are euthanased yearly and reading articles on animals in shelters was getting too heartbreaking.

I found this "71% of cats and 56% of dogs never make it out of a shelter" and

"Every day across Australia, 550 HEALTHY cats and dogs are euthanased DAILY"

DAILY!?!!!
That's almost 201,000 aYEAR!!!!!
and doesn't include the animals that are just dumped, left to roam, or taken to the bush to turn feral or die.

One of the main reasons for not getting the animal desexed is cost.
These are some others

Desexing will change her personality.
It is better to have a litter of kittens before desexing her.
I want for my children to see the miracle of birth.

NONE OF THESE ARE A GOOD ENOUGH EXCUSE!

If you can't afford desexing then get a budgie or fish.

There are options for people who don't have a lot of money, you can get discounts

According the NDN these are some Benefits of Desexing

Health

Reduced risk of getting cancer or other diseases of the reproductive organs, such as testicular cancer, prostate cancer/disorders in males, and cystic ovaries, ovarian tumors,
acute uterine infections and breast cancer in females, and
also other diseases like mammary cancer, perianal tumors
and perianal hamias.
Females can suffer from physical and nutritional exhaustion if continually breeding.
Pets generally live longer and healthier lives.

Behavioural

Pets are less prone to wander, fight, and are less likely to get lost or injured.
Reduces territorial behaviour such as spraying indoors.
Less likely to suffer from anti-social behaviors. They become more affectionate and become better companions.
Eliminates "heat" cycles in female cats and their efforts to get outside in search for a mate.
Eliminates male dogs' urge to "mount" people's legs.

Cost

Reduces the cost to the community of having to care for unwanted puppies and kittens in pounds and shelters.
No additional food or vet bills for the offspring.
No need to find homes for unwanted or unexpected litters of puppies or kittens.
Save money from expensive surgeries from car accidents or fights, which are less likely to occur if your pet doesn't roam around.
Dumping puppies and kittens is an ethical cost, as well as being illegal and inhumane.
The price of desexing is more affordable to those in financial need with the assistance of organisations such as NDN.

You can apply thorugh the National Desexing Network (NDN) to get cheaper desexing which is what we did when we got Loki desexed.

And after Christmas the amount of unwanted animals is going to be high, because cute wears off, puppies cry at night, cats need their trays cleaned out.

Why wouldn't you get it done, why would anyone want beautiful innocent animals to be born just so they can die unwanted.

It's heartbreaking, it's infuriating and It's evil!!

When Arella (which is Hebrew for Angel messenger) was a kitten, she literally saved my life, when I was so deep in depression after my marriage ended, when I was alone, in tears and in a mind space of there only being one way out... Arella would look for me and climb onto my shoulder, purring and she'd snuggle into my neck and sleep, she got me through my darkest days. Even now, after my surgeries, she stays by my side when I come home from hospital, she is very aware of how I am.

Our animals are our friends, our confidants, our saviours, our laughter and happiness. They are faithful and loving even when they're abused. And they deserve so much better than what some people give them.

If you don't have your pets desexed then you are an irresponsible pet owner

Stress stress stress....hahaha....stress stress

2008-12-17T14:03:00.001+11:00

Having OCD issues..

what ifs

worried about Elf gifts for tonight

This is actually a really good thing for me. I've always been worried about never doing the right thing, so taking on the Elf gifts for 25 women has been a good challenge.

I'll be honest and say that I've asked myself a million times "what if people don't like them" "what if they hate me for not buying the right thing with their money"

But.. I keep breathing and I know that it will all be ok... I just got used to nothing I ever did being right.. Prince William (world's best counsellor) would be proud of what I'm doing

I was hoping that names on the gifts wouldn't be necessary, and people could get random gifts (apart from the few gifts I bought for certain people) but lovely Lisa squished that one for me lol

There was a slight issue .. but it's all good now

It's hard buying for people that I have no idea of who they are and what they like, there's a mixture of gifts ... handmade ones from the markets, a stunning photo that made me stop walking and I immediately pictured who I would give that to, and others are from a lovely little shop in Berry who were quite patient with Boo, Allira and I taking up an area of their shop for over an hour.

Ahh ... it's all good, chocolate cake told me so

Yay times a million

2008-12-13T07:28:00.007+11:00

Yay for summer colds

Yay for sinus, headache, watering eyes and leaky noses that still feel spiky and congested

Yay for advil

Yay for throwing up on myself, which I haven't done since I was 18

Yay for waking up to rain and thinking you can stay in bed feeling crap all day only to remember that you checked BOM last night and saw that the rain would clear and the temperature is going to hit 33 today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! which is not a temperature that makes staying in bed being comforted by the snuggly pillows and the cosy quilt, much fun. So you turn the laptop on saying "please please please have had a massive drop in temperature" and BOM says "hahaha it's 33 today biotch" STOP MOCKING ME WITH THE BEAUTIFUL RAIN DROPS AND COOL MORNING WINDS

Yay for Saturday morning cartoons! I do miss the cartoons from the olden days like Scooby Doo and the Flintstones. CHANNEL SEVEN PUT BRANDY AND MR WHISKERS BACK ON, IT'S THE ONLY GOOD CARTOON FROM THIS GENERATION!!!! ok ok apart from Spongebob Squarepants

Yay for Hannah Montanna!!! yay yay yay, It's true!
I love it and not just because I feel crap

Yay for quiet mornings before I get bombarded with "muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmm it's so hot can we go to the beach??!!!!!!!!"

and Yay for miss 12 who brings me coffee in bed

My baby is going to bigger school

2008-12-11T21:17:00.005+11:00

Tonight my beautiful little one had her Primary School Graduation dinner.

It's so wonderful seeing her grow up, I can't believe she'll be in high school next year!

It's true, time does fly.

A few weeks ago we were asked to give her teacher a photo from kindergarten, no idea why, but tonight I saw why.

Oh look at my baby! I almost cried, it bought back so many memories seeing the two pictures side by side. She was a tiny little poppet and so excited about school and now she's just as excited about high school.

My stunning girl wanted a cloak for tonight, so I made her an icy blue one. Her dress was a disaster so we raced out and bought one 45 mins before the graduation was to start, on special occasions she's allowed to wear her diamond jewellery that I bought her for her 10th and 11th birthdays (her birth stone and she deserves real diamonds) and she looked gorgeous. The batteries were running out on my camera so none of the pictures I took of her came out properly, but.......

I couldn't be prouder :)

Out of Order - please come back later

2008-12-10T12:26:00.001+11:00

My house is my refuge
my children are my light
my cat is my friend
the other cat is my laughter ...

everything else doesn't matter right now.

I am sick of being taken advantage of
I am sick of people I love lying to me
I am sick of making plans for the future only to have them shot down
I am sick of going out of my way for others and never being offered the same in return
I am sick of questioning everything I do and worrying about whether or not it is good enough for others

I'm not insignificant
even if you think I am

Say hello to OCTree

2008-12-04T13:03:00.004+11:00

Our tree this year is so beautiful!
It's sad that it isn't a live tree, the smell of a pine tree on Christmas morning is something that always reminds me of my childhood.

After Christmas last year I went all over Newcastle looking for a particular tree and I finally found it at Mount Hutton (I HATE going there) Our beautiful tree finally came out of the box last weekend, and as beautiful as it looked, we all stood back a bit shocked at how big it is, it touches the ceiling, Allira's first comment was "where's the star going to go?"

I have accumulated so much to decorate the whole house with, the girls have banned me from buying more Santas... pish tosh nasty children :P
We decorate the tree in red and gold and 5 different strands of lights, there are home made decorations, and stuff the girls made when they were in pre-school, pink Christmas balls from when the girls were born and sweet little santas that were knitted by my ex mother in-law who has now passed on, stars, witches hats and brooms (they're really Harry Potter decorations that I bought in NY a while ago) and beautiful glass decorations that I had engraved.

There's lot of sparkly things!

We have a family tradition when we start to decorate...we have plates of snacks, we put Christmas music on, we sing, we laugh, we have fun!

And with a little bit of bending, the Star sits beautifully on top of the tree

I love this time of year.... This will be our best Christmas in years and I love that we can make it last a month

Cause I feel that when I’m with you It’s alright, I know it’s right

2008-11-28T12:31:00.004+11:00

"I know you'll never hit me"

"I could never hit the body I worship"

I will never forget your words and for the first time in years I'm actually letting myself trust.
I must want this because I no longer feel like throwing up when I think about the future :)

Thank you

x

I HATE? no....I LOVE... pt 4

2008-11-20T12:57:00.001+11:00

I could've made this an "I HATE" post but I have decided to make it into a positive.

I LOVE...

Finding the strength that I forgot I had and being strong enough to use it!

This morning I took Allira to her new High School for orientation and to hand in her enrolment forms.
After the quick parent meeting I went to the office to discuss financial assistance.
I don't like asking for financial help, but I'm learning that it's there for a reason.
I spoke to the lady at the office with a smile and a "good morning" and explained to her that a little help may be required and how do I go about getting that.

She got the news letter and showed me that the yr 7 contributions are about $50 which is for cooking and a couple of other things. Then she showed me the list for year 8 and holy crap that was HUGE! I said ok next year should be fine, it will be year 8 that will be a problem. Office lady then says...

"Well, so you can afford the fees, your daughter should choose the less expensive subjects"

??!!!!WTF!!!!???

Hang on one friggin second lady.
Oh I was fuming inside, 6 months ago I would have just said "ok" but not anymore!
I kept the smile on my face, looked at her and calmly said

"Just because we don't have a lot of money does NOT mean that my daughter should be disadvantaged during her education, financial support is available at schools for a reason, and my daughter will be choosing the subjects that she wants to do"

I was very proud of myself for calmly telling her that what she said was downright rude.

Because I don't smell like alcohol, or cigarettes and am not walking around stoned
Because I am not a minority
Because I look younger than I am
Because I am articulate
Because I dress cleanly and I match
DOESN'T mean we have money and it DOESN'T mean that people can speak to me the way she did!!

My jeans cost me $3 at an op shop and my top was $10 and I look damn good! My family is a good example of how well people can dress without having much money and buying a lot of stuff at op shops.

That woman and others like her should NEVER assume that someone can afford something that should be free in the first place!

Financial assistance in schools should be available to all students who need it!
Whether they come from a previously well off family who has hit hard times, or they are a child who's parent's don't have their best interests at heart.
NO ONE should EVER be made to feel like they are a lesser person because they aren't rolling in money.

It's not fun asking for financial help, it's actually quite humiliating for me, I know it wont always be like this though..

Ahhh........yes, Strength... I has it

I LOVE .... pt 3

2008-11-19T09:24:00.002+11:00

I know.. sickening isn't it, I'm still happy and I'm not even medicated! I'm going it alone without the Lexapro, yay me :)
I keep thinking about Glain on monday night saying that she doesn't like it when people smile all the time.. that makes me smile lol Glain has the most beautiful skin, not in a "it puts the lotion on" (silence of the lambs reference... very funny) kind of way... but just beautiful, she so ethereal.

OK.. on with spreading the love

I Love.....
Dr E!
She's been my doc for over 15 years, she told me when I was pregnant with both of my girls, and even came to visit me in hospital to see Boo (Allira was born in Wollongong) She is a caring woman who has seen me through everything and has been supportive and not dismissive.

I Love....
Radiographers at the place near the Ibis in Newcastle. It's where I ask to go when something needs scanning, x-raying etc. I like that they're friendly and don't say "you'll have to wait to speak to your doctor" when you're worried about something. They scanned my lump yesterday and were happy to put my mind at ease

I Love......
Finding out that my lump isn't a cyst! It's a lymph node and should hopefully go down, it's a bit cranky about a festy ear infection.

I Love......
Waking up to the sound of rain :) perfect way to start the day

I Love....
My new fuji s5800 camera that lets me annoy my cat by taking macro pictures

Ahhh another happy day awaits :)

I LOVE... pt 2

2008-11-18T09:45:00.003+11:00

yes, I'm still all loved up

I Love.....

Allira for making the yummiest chocolate mousse, she's turning into an excellent little chef :)

I Love.......

Boo, for what she wrote about me, it made me cry at 3am this morning when I couldn't sleep

I Love.....

Left over chocolate mousse for breakfast!!

I Love.......

Weight loss!!!!
2.9kgs in the last week. And yes I can see where there might be an issue with the chocolate mousse for breakfast but, omg it's so good.

I Love....

Friends in far away places
Thank you so much to G for helping me with something, I really appreciate it :)

last for the day.....

I Love

KokoBlack hot chocolate!
It is absolutely divine, perfect, bliss, yum
happy now Ozz? lol
pity the closest one to me is in the ACT, be quicker to fly to Melbourne. I'll meet you at Maccas Ozz :P

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I LOVE......

2008-11-17T11:52:00.007+11:00

I have decided that there is enough misery, so every day I am going to list things I love :)

I love.......

My Girls :)

They happily go along with my insanity!
Late Saturday night I said we were going for a walk, small complaints from Bianca, pfft.. like I care. We walked down to the Ocean Baths and jumped in, fully clothed, Bianca in her dress. It was fun! lots of laughs, lots of screams.. water was freezing. Standing on the edge, holding hands and jumping in. These are some of the good times that I wouldn't change for the world.

Bianca has her own blog FyreSpryte

I love....

Glen
Always have. Before we even met at the airport in Canada almost 10 years ago, I adored him.
No man has ever treated me the way he has. He loved the girls as though they were his own. I am eternally grateful for our chance meeting on ICQ, I still have the ring he made me out of one of those wire twist tie thingies...I wish he could be here for Christmas, I guess I'll have to wait for January... Swap hemispheres and Marry me dammit! :P

I love....

David Duchovny!
Yes he was a lusty man in The X-files and 15 years later he's still just as lusty in Californication. Last night's episode had me laughing hard!

I love....

My new found strength
I am glad I found it now, instead of still looking for it

xxxxxxxxxxx

I'm not horny

2008-11-14T10:20:00.003+11:00

I went to Dr E yesterday about the horn sprouting out of my head, bit worried about it, just needed to know what it was...

It's completely unrelated to the ear infection, It's not lymph nodes, it's not a horn, it's a cyst. I have a friggin cyst growing in my head!!!
I wish I was a hypochondriac and none of this was real

She said I've been through too much this year, so it wont be cut out til the new year, fair enough.
I'm having all day headaches in the right back of my head, I don't know if this is from the ear infection or the cyst, so it's a wait and see thing and back to the doc on Monday.

And my car is still dead

Life is still good though (I only cried a little yesterday :)

It hurts

2008-11-11T08:11:00.005+11:00

have middle ear infection
who gets a middle ear infection after the age of 6, I am a multiple of 6.
So I am on the only antibiotic that I'm not allergic to
and lots of advil
whole right side of my head is aching
my throat, my eye, my ear, my scalp
I feel like shit
I'm miserable
I'm in tears
I'd go and buy myself flowers to cheer me up, but...
My car died at the chemist, my portable jump starter recharger thingo is dead too, wont recharge
and I have an ungrateful daughter, which hurts the most

Fuck off, leave me alone, don't call me, shut up

2008-11-09T20:34:00.005+11:00

Why is it that my ex ex boyfriend's mother (not the last abuser, the one before that) feels the need to call me?
She's a nice woman, but extremely domineering and someone you wouldn't want to cross. So when she'd call, I'd listen, and make the occasional grunt, until one night Boo said to me "Why did you give up an hour of your life to talk to her?"
A light went on in my head.. exactly! why the hell am I taking time out of my life to listen to her wark on about the son who hurt me? The lying one who convinced me he had bowel cancer and was getting radiotherapy at the john hunter, yeah the john hunter doesn't do radiotherapy! but I believed him when he said he wanted to go alone and didn't want me turning up out of the blue. I supported him through all his friggin custody hearings, got high blood pressure, ended up on all sorts of medication from the stress, and then I get traded in, as his mother said one day "He doesn't need you anymore, you served your purpose" Pfft yes, I SUCK at choosing decent men.
She called tonight re: my fish tank which was taken to her place, and she conveniently snuck into the conversation did I "know that the ex is now engaged to the 23yr old neighbour that I was dumped for ?" no I didn't know, "well it was in the paper" I don't care "I just thought you might like to know" fuck off and die.
I am soooooooooooooooo much happier not having a mother in-law
Yes I am having a 15 minute pity party because I am pissed that everyone, yes EVERYONE'S life is moving forward except mine....
It's a pity party and I am allowed to be unreasonable
And I am also the happiest I have been in years, thank Goddess for Prince William and alcohol :P
Just kidding, I don't drink... much

ok over it

Dream realised? I think so

2008-11-05T15:49:00.007+11:00

Congratulations to Barack Obama and his family!
I think it is wonderful that he is President of the United States.
His speeches are awe inspiring, uplifting and fills me with hope. Even though I'm not American, I am aware that what ever happens in that country, there is a ripple effect.

So many people voted for the first time, because unlike here, it's not compulsory to vote in the US.
When people aged over 100, are voting for the first time, it's quite obvious that they're ready for change.

It's an amazing opportunity

Months ago when I saw him say this

“I think about my own two daughters, Sasha and Malia; and, sometimes it makes me stop and it makes me wonder, ‘What kind of America will our daughters grow up in? What kind of America will our daughters grow up in? Will our daughters grow up with the same opportunities as our sons? Will our daughters have the same rights, the same dreams and the same freedoms to pursue their own version of happiness?’”

That simple speech to me showed how passionate he was about his family, about people, equality and change and I knew he'd win, I just knew as a lot of people did and I annoyed someone with it quite often.

I am well aware that he doesn't have a magic wand to make every perfect overnight
But I do believe It is the start of something truly special

He is the President of the United States, and he just happens to be black

Poor Boo is just disappointed that there wont be anymore Sarah Palin videos on Saturday night Live lol

Craptacular

2008-11-05T10:25:00.003+11:00

ooooooohhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrgaaaaaaaaa

blerk

staying in bed
the world's best bed, no.. the universe's best bed
slept 10 hours, was lovely,
have nails in my throat

the cats wont get me my book which is way over there, and I need a drink, wonder if I'll dehydrate before the girls get home... why do I have cats if they can't take care of me!

why the hell do we need live coverage of the election in the US???!?!?
(3 hours on channel 7 and 4 hours on channel 9)
seriously! 30 minutes tops if we have to, but 4 friggin hours?!
thank god for doc phil and oprah...
blah, I think I'll knock myself out before then

gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

goodnight

Ye Olde Tania of the Tangent

2008-11-01T20:21:00.005+11:00

I'm feeling a touch blerty today, so I'll be going off on all sorts of tangents
Get it all out in one long blog post

Swimming is still awesomely brilliant, I've lost 2 kilos this week, and I can see some toning, yay me :)
Had to buy a new sunscreen, my skin is so sensitive. Our sunscreens just weren't doing their job and I do buy good ones, with the correct UVB UVA protector thingos and still get burned. A few years ago when I wasn't wearing sunscreen, I got 2nd degree burns on my chest when the girls and I went for a walk. Boo had sunscreen on, Allira didn't and all she got was a pink nose. I was at the friggin hospital a week later in absolute agony still, I still have an obviously different area on my chest all year round, stupid stupid stupid, see told you I was stupid.

Disturbed is an awesome band, so strong in their music and lyrics, fills me up and makes me want to sing loud! I'm Alive, Overburdened, Guarded and Ten Thousand Fists, are brilliant. Would've loved to have seen them in concert again. I saw them in NY in 2000 with Godsmack and Stone Temple Pilots. BEST.CONCERT.EVER

Timmy asked me to a Halloween party last night, was so much fun!!!! I love dressing up and being someone else. I was looking oh so sexy last night in my vinyl dress, can't believe I could get into it! long black velvet gloves, high high FM boots, lots of makeup and Boo straightened my hair and I looked like every mother should look, like an awesomely sexy don't fuck with me Mistress. I had no idea whose party we were going to, I just knew I needed to go out and have fun, and fun I had!
I drank, I laughed, I danced, I drank, I made friends, I gave out too much information, I drank, I broke my FM boots on uneven ground and hurt my ankle, so I drank some more! and came home and got Boo's sweet flat red shoes which she told me to wear before I first left for the party, it's funny that she was giving me motherly advice. So I went back to the party, thanks to Nathan driving me and drank some more!
We left that party and went to another one and I must have been a novelty cos I was adored as I should be and had numerous requests for the pleasure of my company. I left many blue lipstick smoodges. Oh yeah and I drank some more

I finally crawled home at 4am and then got online to torment Mr NY hahahahaha was fun wasn't it :P
Finally got to sleep about 6am and woke up at 11:15am to a sore ankle and a barrage of questions from Allira, but all I heard was thump thump thump, jesus is that what a hangover feels like? never had one before, I credit the good german drinking genes lol went to make coffee and god friggin dammit there was no milk, still half asleep put on a singlet and a skirt and went to walk down to the shop to get milk, Allira said "mum atleast put a bra on" pffft
I got milk and all sorts of crap I never buy, I haven't bought a Saturday paper in ages! I hate the way they look messy, I also bought a coke zero, blerk, yuck, I don't drink coke. But I had coffee when I got home.

Oh something funny, watching an add for a pizza and it has a ton of different meats on it, Allira says "jeeeez it's like sucking on a pig" hahahahahaha she's funny

I took a couple of advil and a few hours later Allira and I walked 6kms to go and get my car from Timmy's place, I could've caught the bus but I needed to work off alcohol calories.

I had such a good night!

I HATE being ignored, makes me insane. If I've done something to piss you off, then tell me, but don't ignore me, that's so fucking childish and I'm better without that hurt in my life

NEVER MAKE SOMEONE A PRIORITY WHEN THEY ONLY MAKE YOU AN OPTION
Something I have been telling myself for the past few months
I wont be anyone's "option" EVER again

How bad was the weather yesterday! 36 degrees!!, I swam 1.6kms, I only got out of the water when my mind went blank and I couldn't remember what I'd done.
I hate hate hate high temps, yes I'm supposedly like Lizzie Borden :P Closing all the blinds first thing in the morning makes a huge difference to the temperature inside our place, we don't have air conditioning so we have to do something so I don't go mental

I haven't eaten today, I should probably get something, but i'm not hungry either, probably just have an Xndo... watch out for another eating disorder

Hahahaha Iron Chef is flipping hillarious, the voice overs are so funny, they're too enthusiastic, I love the way they voice over everything including the laughs, cos you know, we wouldn't understand a Japanese laugh, it's so different to an English one

Boo is happy now, I've got cream for my eczema,
I think she was getting sick of me walking around with my breasts out saying '"LOOK AT MY BOOB.... LOOK AT IT!!!"
because I was scratching the hell out of it and it was all red and hiddeous
she'd calmly say "Mum, put it away and go to the doctor"
So I finally went to the doctor. I was trying to clear it up myself, but it wasn't working.
Stupid eczema, I get it when I'm stressed.

hmm... I think I'm hungry
The cat is next to me snoring
I want to add photos from last night dammit, but I have no idea where the cable to get the pics off my phone is.

have a great weekend everyone :)

toodle pip

Bikinis are me

2008-10-29T22:36:00.008+11:00

Swimming again today, I love it! nothing to stress me, back to being free from everything!
Another kilometre, weather was blah, water was beautiful, I am so grateful to be living here.

I love going down to the pool on cloudy, rainy days, there's usually less than 10 people swimming and no one to go into my lane. I HATE people swimming in my lane, it's mine dammit. (Ok I was wrong when I told Lisa that there's nothing for me to be OCT(D) about at the pool, I get nervous when someone is in my lane when I get to the pool and have been known not to start my laps til my lane is free)

On cold days I jump straight into the water and after a few seconds of asking myself wtf am I doing in the freezing water, I remind myself that you work off more calories in cold water because your body works harder to keep you warm, plus I'll be toning up and being stunning.

Yesterday I went through my swimmer drawer and I have 14 bikinis! and one tankini. I like changing them around, swapping tops and bottoms, today it was silver bottoms and a black top, my theory is that I'll wear what I want and be happy being me, if people don't like it, then they don't have to look.

yes I know .. I'm gorgeous
any takers?
:)

Washing the stupid off

2008-10-28T13:19:00.008+11:00

I went swimming this morning.

I haven't been swimming in months, I needed to do laps at Merewether because it's probably the only place I go where I can feel completely free.

It was overcast and cool, the water temp was 18, and I was happy.

Lots to think about, wondered how many laps I would do considering that it's been so long, I didn't need to worry, I swam a kilometre, 20 laps. That's my usual, but on occasion I do more, up to 60 laps. Maybe I should have done more. I'm going to start swimming daily again

I wasn't as free minded as I usually am when I swim, the whole time I was thinking about everything that has happened over the last few months, including Saturday night. I had a good night and that's all that should be important.

I need to lose this damn weight so I can't blame everything on it.
What is it? do you see me for me, not my fat, my huge thighs, my fat gut, don't tell me I'm beautiful if you don't mean it. Does it bother you that I am what I am... in every aspect of me?

letting it go now

Stupid...

2008-10-27T15:39:00.003+11:00

Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

Yep... that says it

Who am I

2008-10-24T15:51:00.020+11:00

I was doing my YAAD homework today, left the "Who am I" bit til last.
I've read through the questions and have spent the past couple of hours thinking about who I am. What shaped the person I am now? I know that supposedly adults are a product of their upbringing, so our childhood makes us who we are. But I know there's more to it than that.
Do I like who I am? What made me who I am? What would I change about me?
I know relationships (with partners, not family) played a big part in who I am today...but at this moment..I like who I am today. I wont be defined by stereotypes, yes abuse shapes a person, but so does so many other things, there are a million things that make me me.
I am a mother, a sister, a daughter, a grand daughter, a niece, an aunty, a friend
I have OCD tendencies, I like to walk/ dance/ play in the rain. I always worry that I cause things to happen. I love my bed, I hate not having the security of my home, I had my wedding photos done in a cemetery and even though I'm divorced now, I still love the pictures. I used to weigh over 100kgs.....*and has been pointed out by someone who knows, the heat makes me a little cranky :P
here's more........

My full name- Tania Marie
- Age - 36
- Height - 160cm
- Natural hair colour- born blonde, but now it's brown I suppose
- Eye colour - blue/grey
- Number of siblings - 1 sister
- Glasses/contacts - Glasses for reading, driving at night etc
- Piercings - ears and another umm.. place. Had my nose and belly button done a years ago, but they're not in anymore
- Tattoos - 5

- FAVOURITE
- Colour- turquoise
- Band - Godsmack
- Song - too many
- Stuffed animal - my bear Hudson
- Video game - Primal
- TV show - lots
- Movie - lots
- Book -
- Food - oh there are so many..
- Flower- they're all beautiful, but I love roses
- Scent - fresia, rose, gardenia, good food
- Animal -
- Cartoon- Brandy and Mr Whiskers, Spongebob

- DO YOU
Play an instrument? no
Watch TV more than 60 hours a week? no
Like to sing? yes
Have a job? no
Have a cell phone? yes
Like to play sports? not competitively
Have a boyfriend? no
Have a crush on someone? no
Live somewhere NOT in the united states? yes
Have more than 5 TVs in your house? no
Have any special talents/skills? I am creative
Have any faults? I forget bad things people do to me too quickly. I think I can help make people happy.
Exercise daily? most days
Speak any other languages? no
Go a day without food? yes, have gone a few days without it
Stay up for more than 24 hours? have done it
Read music, not just tabs? nope
Roll your tongue? no
Eat a whole pizza? yeah.. sadly lol

– HAVE YOU EVER
Seen a shooting star? yes
Been to any other countries besides the united states? yes... Canada, England, Scotland, Vanuatu
Had a serious surgery? it's all serious
Stolen something important to someone else? no
Gone out in public in your pajamas? yes
Been arrested? arrested, not charged
Done drugs? smoked a few joints
Laughed and had milk come out of your nose? not milk, coffee
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator? yes
Been in love? yes
Been to a casino? yes
Ran over an animal and killed it? no
Broken a bone? yes
Gotten stitches? yes
Gone skinny dipping in winter? yes
Made homemade muffins? yes
Been to niagra falls? yes

WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU
Brushed your teeth - this afternoon
Saw A Movie In Theaters - about a month ago- Dark Knight
Read a book - this week
Went to the grocery store - yesterday
Got sick - July
Cursed – today
PICK ONE
Fruit/vegetables - vegies
Black/white - black
Lights on/lights off - off
TV/movie - good tv
Car/truck - car
Body spray/lotion - what ever I'm in the mood for
Pillows/blankets - both
Headache/stomach ache - stomach
Paint/charcoal - charcoal
Chinese food/mexican food - mexican
Summer/winter - winter
Snow/rain - snow
Fog/misty - misty
Rock/rap - rock
Meat/vegetarian - meat
Chocolate/vanilla - chocolate
Sprinkles/icing - icing
Cake/pie - cake
French toast/french fries - chips :P
Strawberries/blueberries - strawberries
Ocean/swimming pool -ocean swimming pool
Hugs/kisses - depends
Cookies/muffins - either
Moon/mars - Moon

FRIENDSHIP
Have you ever been in love? Yes
Are you single? yes
Are you in a relationship? no
Do you believe there is someone for everyone? yes
What is your idea of the best date? somewhere comfortable- warm weather, picnic on the beach with wine, and then a walk. Cold weather- cosy restaurant
What was your first kiss like? On a bus, scared to death
How old were you when you got your first kiss? 13
Do you think love is a load of shit? sometimes when I'm feeling cynical

WORD ASSOCIATION
Free - peace
Space - stars
Taste - chocolate mousse and rasberries
Red - rose
Deep - ocean
Heart - break
Rain - dance
Bed - mine
Jump - joy

I....
am - happy
want - love
need - hugs
crave - hugs
love - too easily
hate - crying
feel - relaxed
miss - travelling
am annoyed by - stupid people
would rather - be in Scotland
am tired of - my sore arm
will always - love my children

SILLY STUFF
What is your favourite genre of music? hard rock
What time is it now? 4pm
What day is it? Friday
Whens the last time you called someone? 2:15pm
How much money do you have right now? $7
Are you hungry? no
Do you like parades? depends.. boring ones no, but ones like "Rolling Thunder" in Washington DC was pretty awesome to watch
Do you like the moon? yes I do
What are you going to do when youre done with this? try and nap
If you could have any magical power what would it be? the ability to do what ever I want like Jeanie in I dream of Jeanie
Have you ever had a picnic? yes

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
funny? yes
pretty? sometimes
sarcastic? yes
lazy? yes
hyper? sometimes, ok rarely
friendly? yes
evil? no
smart? yes
strong? yes
talented? no
dorky? no

WOULD YOU EVER:
Sky dive? yes
Play strip poker? done it
Run away? done it
Not take a shower for a week? god no
Ask someone out? done it
Visit a foreign country for more than a month? went to America for 3 months
Go scuba diving? done it
Write a book? would love to
Become a rockstar? hahahaa

Take me Home

2008-10-22T17:49:00.007+11:00

Sometimes I find a song that fills me with emotion and takes me on a journey and this song is one of them.

I have been watching a show called True Blood, and I LOVE it. During a heartbreaking scene in episode 6, there is an unbelievably haunting song, the song playing is called Take me Home by Lisbeth Scott.

On her website, Lisbeth says "I sing to comfort, heal, move, transport and awaken the divine voice within us all"

I love closing my eyes and going where the music takes me, I don't think of it as a song about death. I see myself on a beautiful green grass covered hill, I'm by a large tree, looking out into the distance, looking out at grass, hills and the ocean and I am peaceful and blessed. I assume it's my home in Scotland. I'm positive I lived there in a past life.. have you ever been somewhere and just felt like you'd come home?

When Mr NY and I went to Scotland, I had an overwhelming feeling that I'd 'come home' I felt so at peace there, I NEED to go back, it's not just a 'want' it's a definite 'need'. The photo on the side that looks black and white, is a place called Loch Awe, it was after 3pm and I was walking along the shore line, the sun was shining through the clouds and took the photo, with my 35mm canon slr and the photo came back greyscale, it was the only photo in the roll that came back the way it did, there's something in Scotland for me. While I'm off on my tangent, I'll add the photo here

I just love it.

Turning my tangent around and back to the song............

I love finding truly special songs

Please listen to it at amazon.com (click the little play button, it's not very much of the song) or at cdbaby.com (on the left hand side underneath "tracks" click the 'play' button and then open, I used real player)

Let me know what you think :)

Just Breathe

2008-10-19T19:51:00.003+11:00

My mood changed last week after having been so good for so long..
Having realised what it was that caused it, I took measures so it doesn't happen again. I am enjoying the way my mind is working now, having had it be a foggy mess for too long.

The economy isn't the best, Christmas is coming, people are worried.
I have a tiny flat, a mountain of bills, a buggered right arm, and a smile that isn't leaving my face

This has been a fantastic week, Mr Rudd's little bonus will come in handy, we're deciding as a family where it should go. I cashed in some flybuys points to get some KMart vouchers for buying Christmas pressies, I got a survey worth 600 points which will get me a $50 fuel card, my rehabilitation place is giving me $150 to cover 3 of my counselling sessions (must send the receipts tomorrow) My neighbour took me out to dinner, nice guy.. his massive German Shepherd dog loves me.. I'm supposedly the first person Tal (the dog) has adored, he doesn't bark at me, I can walk into mickscott's yard and Tal brings me his ball...hahaha very funny because he's a guard dog :)

One day at a time, breathe through everything, relax, ask myself questions, take my vitex agnus castus, unclutter my house (I'm still working on the loungeroom, and I'm still enjoying it) take a break when I need it, do yoga, go swimming... life truly is wonderful :)

Super excitingly MOIST!

2008-10-16T18:14:00.004+11:00

Everyone will be happy to know that I bought my vitex agnus castus and therefor should no longer have that debilitating PMT(S) (can't believe I went all american and used pms)
I think I associated it with the abuser because I couldn't understand why I was bawling and just decided it would have to be about him cos what else do I have to be unhappy about.
It was very nice being in time with the full moon, it's rare for me to get them so to happen on a full moon was special for me :)

Earlier this week I made a decision to put tafe on hold and I'm still trying to get my head around it, but I think it's the right thing to do.I am taking too much endone or oxycontin because my elbow hurts from the writing or from typing too much, and I actually need to concentrate and have a clear head and those two pills make it impossible for me to be able to think clearly.
I need to get other things sorted first.
I was told I need another surgery on my arm.
And I am having a big clutter clean out, clutter from my mind and home and only two days in I am feeling good. It's taking ages because....
"hello my name is Tania and I am a hoarder, it's been six days since I've bought something that I don't really NEED"

Yes I am a hoarder but everything has it's place, the bookshelves are done in category and height, the crystals are done in patterns that mean something to me etc etc
I am enjoying my clean out, I'm still doing the loungeroom, it's been two days, but I've done everything from put the playstation games into alphabetical order (Buzz big quiz comes before Buzz monsters... yes yes I have issues), sort cables and plug the dvd and video into the stereo correctly to moving furniture and putting my crystals where I can see them better. I never thought I'd admit it, but I am enjoying cleaning, LOVING cleaning, cleaning PROPERLY. The only problem is is that when it's done I will be even more OCT(D) so doing it slowly will be better

BUT
my super moistalicious thing is that the Amazing Race is back on tv tonight YAY!!!!!!
I have been watching it since it was on tv at 10.30pm or later, way way back when I was living in Wollongong.
YOU HAVE BEEN PHILIMINATED
YAY YAY YAY!!!!
HAPPY DANCE

p.s I miss you Lisa

Are you kidding me???

2008-10-14T21:50:00.004+11:00

This was PMS?!!!
I cried for five days, popped a pretty pink pill, thought that my happy pills weren't working and felt like my good work had gone to hell all because of PMS?!

It explains the 500 grams of cadbury hazelnut chocolate hahaha

but wow, I haven't had PMS this bad for many many years, for my sanity and theirs, I am going to get some vitex agnus castus tomorrow, it was the only thing that helped all those years ago :)

(and no, I have no idea about my dates for periods and pms because of PCOS)

Non medicated amusement :)

2008-10-14T10:57:00.005+11:00

Ok listen up
quit chucking crap my way... ok? seriously, no more. I think I've shown that I can climb out of that dark horrid place way too many times, so enough is enough.

This comment sticks with me

As usual the Goddess always chooses to test us when we feel that we have become strong.You have grown, yes you have, and know the Goddess is saying..."show me how much!".....Don't let this drive you back...let it be an opportunity for you to find a way round this....w.w.

It turns on a bit of a light to think this way and to know that sometimes a test is good.

But I'm starting to think the Goddesses are laughing at me, sitting there, watching the world, drinking champagne, slightly tipsy, playing a game..

"what can we throw at her now.. how about this?
*kapow*
"hahaha nooooo we can do better than that"
*zap*
"awww she's crying..pfft lightweight.."

It's a little bit funny to think of it this way, and does amuse me (I amuse easily)
And surprisingly helps me be stronger.

It's all good :)

It's a dark tunnel

2008-10-12T11:23:00.002+11:00

I've been feeling like I'm sinking back into a place I have no desire to go again.

I had an appt with Prince William on Wednesday morning and since then I have been crying, not just a few tears, but heart breaking sobs. Every day.

I had been doing so well and then all of a sudden I started crying during my appt. William said that it was good because I was finally in the grief stage. Not grieving because of missing the abuser, but grieving over the loss of what the relationship wasn't, it wasn't nurturing, supportive and loving. I think with this grieving process I have also added in the grief of my marriage breaking up and also the break up of my long term relationship before the abuser. All things that I hadn't dealt with properly. And it is destroying me. I try and do my mantras, I try and occupy myself, but I am in such a low place right now that I feel like I can't pull myself up and out of it.

The mantras are quickly forgotten and I am rolled up in a ball in bed and crying like my heart will never mend

But in being so down, I've been forgetting the abuse and I am missing him so much AND I HATE THAT.

I have to keep reminding myself

he abused me
physically emotionally mentally spiritually

nothing I did was good enough

I have to keep telling myself
I am really not missing him as a person, I am missing the person I wish he could have been

But what if one day he is the person I hope he'll be and I've missed that chance?

I truly loved him
I have to stop defending him

I never understood how abused women stay
but I learned why

I am supposedly grieving and I want to sleep I want to stop crying but I feel like there is no light

Ahhh... I needed that

2008-10-07T19:34:00.022+11:00

We spent three days in Wollongong and it was wonderful!

We lived there for 9 years, moved back to Newcastle early 2003, and have only visited friends once in the last 5 years. So it was good to go back down.

First thing we did was go to the Nan Tien Temple

I went there a lot when I lived in Wollongong, it was my 'run away' place, it's very peaceful.

This weekend was the most amount of people I have ever seen there! I used to go early when the majority of tourists weren't there. There are so many beautiful things to see, I didn't notice any changes, and I definitely have to go there for a meditation retreat weekend, anyone else interested???

The guides are more than happy to answer any questions and are really lovely people. I used to know what all the colours on the statues were for, I knew why their hands were in the position they were, and now the only things I can remember are that their long earlobes are for long life and the swastika symbol is actually a reverse to the Nazi swastika, because if you were to spin them the Buddhist symbol would spread energy out and the Nazi symbol would drag it into the centre.
It bothers me that I have forgotten almost everything :(

It's a beautiful place to wander, so many things to see, the museum has some amazing artefacts etc
The restaurant is all you can eat vegetarian and is delicious!!
Yes I think I weekend there is what I need.

Long time ago I'd wander through Corrimal and I would always
go into Boz's shop. It was a unique little shop down there, full of crystals, books, jewellery, clothes, incense, candles, soaps etc etc etc Eventually I'd talk more to Boz, I didn't really know many people in Wollongong, so I'd go and visit Boz and we'd chat, then I started working there occasionally and I LOVED it, being in there was special. If I was still in Wollongong, I'd definitely still be working with her.

Anyway... Boz and John closed the shop and created a beautiful oasis at their home in Mangerton. I couldn't believe it when I walked through the gate! It was so different to how it was 5 years ago. They should be so proud of themselves! They've always wanted to work from home, so they built a little studio, where they can do all sorts of therapies and waxing, tanning etc, It's called NuYu (which is what the shop was called) They have been studying for years and are such wonderful people, who are so good at what they do.

John did a Microcurrent treatment for the pain in my elbow and I can definitely notice a difference.
So if you're ever in Wollongong go and see Boz
and John :)

We went to Berry and Kiama, to wander through the shops and the markets. I bought crystals and macadamia oil.
But my favourite find was all the sea glass!! I was in sea glass heaven. Wandering along the shore, we found so much glass, I wish I didn't have to come home yesterday, I could've spent hours finding more. We got pieces of purple and cobalt blue! rare pieces! All because Allira wanted to see how cold the water was.

So now we're home and relaxed and I am looking forward to going back. And an Outback Steakhouse has opened in Fairy Meadow (near Wollongong) I Loved going there in NY, hope their Alice Springs chicken tastes as good here.
So who wants to come for a meditation retreat? :)

I'M GOING FLIPPIN MENTAL(ER)!!!!!

2008-10-01T01:35:00.004+10:00

so tired
can't sleep

so tired
can't sleep

can't sleep

can't sleep

hmmm.... wide awake at the moment

legs covered in spots

so itchy

scratch scratch scratch

then bleed

feeling crap,

like my tummy is full of peanut butter,

but isn't

and no I don't want to buy a friggin H2O Mop!!
or ProActive
or natural makeup

I asked Dr Google... and he says that sleep issues are possibly caused by going off lyrica

have been having sleep issues for a few days

NOT HAAAAPPPY!

going to try a hot shower and then some hot chocolate

I'm special and I've got a parking thingo to prove it

2008-09-29T20:02:00.004+10:00

I saw the teddy bear today, he said that I can quit taking the lyrica because it's doing diddly squat to ease the pain.
He discussed my options to stop the nerve being irritated and the pain in the elbow and wrist. They are.. transposing the nerve, which means lifting up the nerve at the elbow and moving it to the front of my arm where there will be less movement or transposing the nerve AND building up the something or other... I think he said cartilage...on the radial head because the 1mm that is missing is causing all sorts of problems at my elbow and wrist. The pain is driving me nuts!! "neuropathic pain" he gave me scripts for more pain relief and signed the forms for a parking permit which will come in handy when I'm in pain and need go to the shop and the girls aren't with me to carry stuff.
What it comes down to is more surgery, but hopefully my arm will be ok afterwards.

Ode to op shops, garage sales, and cheap shit

2008-09-27T20:42:00.003+10:00

Garage Sales and Op Shops

Oh garage sales and ops shops
You are my dirty pleasure
Every week I drive around
To find a beautiful treasure
This week it was lead crystal
A garnet ring, copper cauldrons,
and a mortar and pestle

Oh garage sales and op shops
You have a lot of booty
Why are you only run by old women
and not some sexy cutie?

Oh garage sales and op shops
sometimes you surely do smell
The festy clothes, the disgusting shoes
How the hell do they ever sell?

Oh garage sales and op shops
Guaranteed I will find something crappy
I can walk all day and find nothing
but it always makes me happy

Oh garage sales and op shops
You are my secret desire
I travel near and far
Excited about what I shall acquire
A candelabra? a grotty pot, A vintage dress?
but whatever I find, I know one thing
It wont be bloody silver glomesh!

by me :)

Lalalala Happy tree friends

2008-09-25T12:22:00.006+10:00

I am off my treeeeeee

I was trying to do an assignment for Tafe, due tomorrow, arm was aching in my elbow and wrist, which was making typing very difficult, so I took some endone. Lyrica supposedly makes endone less effective, so I took two endone... and now I am in slightly less pain and totally unable to concentrate enough to finish the assignment and I have just devoured a massive bag of nacho cheese doritos hahahaha

How the hell am I supposed to get a finish my course, get a job and be normal with this freakin pain, is there a job that requires I sit an the lounge all day?

Atleast I'm happy, life is good :)

Happy Thursday!

In Gratitude for the Goddesses on Earth

2008-09-24T16:04:00.005+10:00

I am in so much pain with my arm, I really needed my special parking pass today when I did grocery shopping, but wont be seeing my teddy bear specialist til next Monday. So it's pain killers and rest today.. shouldn't be typing too much either.

I just want to write something quickly about how the advice and support from the women that I have become friends with, has been invaluable.

I am going to take from Lisa and start a Gratitude list
Hope that's ok with you Lisa ? :)

These important pieces of wisdom have lifted my spirits. I want people to read what Anchell, Helen, Renata and Lisa have written, I didn't just want to comment their comments. I spent the day thinking about what they have said. Wonderful, beautiful, wise women. You and all the others who have supported me and left me comments and emails are my Goddesses on Earth, I am grateful for you all, because of you I see my strength, I understand how to cope and survive and how to smile, the drama that V has created is not my problem. I am stronger than he will ever be.
(Oops, I should also mention that I am also grateful my my God on Earth, Prince William, who called me this morning and we had a little chat)

"Its all bullshit anyway so what can he do?
Zippo"

"you have taken his comtrol away from him so this is the only way he knows to try and get it back...keep strong we're all here for you lol"

"As usual the Goddess always chooses to test us when we feel that we have become strong.You have grown, yes you have, and know the Goddes is saying..."show me how much!".....Dont let this drive you back...let it be an opportunity for you to find a way round this....w.w."

"Overall- view yourself as a huge , strong fortress in the middle of the ocean, in the middle of the worst storm in recorded history.
The waves crash, the thunder, lightening and hail rain down, but the tower stands strong- nothing can even dent it.
make yourself this tower-absolutly rooted to the spot- Ex is but a bit of hail and V is a bit of lightening.
They cant hurt you, you are too strong."

Thank you

I am WOMAN hear me roar!

2008-09-24T15:52:00.002+10:00

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh, yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

Helen Reddy and Ray Burton

What is my fear? What am I afraid of?

2008-09-24T01:09:00.004+10:00

I am very afraid, I am trying to pinpoint what is making me sick to my stomach right now. It's 1:10am and I have been worrying since I received a phone call at 12:10am. Phone call was from ex V, I let it go to voice mail, and it was to let me know that my ex-husband had phoned him and he had gotten off the phone "an hour ago" I am assuming he said that to insinuate that it was a long phone call. He didn't say what the call was about, just that I should start letting my ex-husband know how the girls are.

????? WTF?????

Ok, my ex-husband called ex V.. so does that mean ex-husband believes what was in the email? the email that made me out to be a liar, an abuser, and mentally unstable.
And how did ex-husband get ex V's phone number? I think that ex V has been sending emails that weren't also sent to me like the evil one on Sunday night.

What is my fear?

1. I think I am scared the my ex-husband is going to try something regarding the girls, try and have them leave me. Ex-husband's wife has made certain that her ex doesn't have anything to do with her son, so they are very aware of how to manipulate to get what they want.

Is my fear warranted?

Yesterday I would have said no, but now knowing that my ex-husband has phoned ex V, I think I should be worried that something is going to happen.

2. I am worried that this isn't going to end. I contacted the police again tonight and asked them if I had worded my email to ex V correctly.

On Sunday September 21st 2008, I requested that you make no further contact with me, my children, my family and friends, and since that request you have written three emails and made one phone call.

Please be advised that if you make any further contact of any form for any reason, including a reply to this email, I will be going to the police to request an Apprehended Violence Order (AVO)

This is apparently perfectly worded and enough warning. But I am thinking I might go to the Chamber Magistrate and try to do something now.

Is my fear warranted?

I think sending this email will be enough to make him stop all contact.
If not, then I get an AVO and I will be able to get letters from Prince William and my Doc if needed.

If he and my ex want to become best friends then so be it, I hope they'll be very happy together. If ex-husband tries to take the girls because of false information from ex-V, then he wont get far.

I feel better mentally, physically I feel ill
How do I sleep now? I was soundly asleep before ex V called
There's nothing but crap on tv!

Exhausted, Sickened, Puffy, but so very very Strong

2008-09-22T13:03:00.005+10:00

from post secret

Well.. I feel better than last night
He didn't use the photos or video, and part of me wished he did. But what he did do, was vomit out an email that he sent to my ex husband and to me.

Some background regarding my ex-husband, he doesn't see the girls, he doesn't contact them, doesn't acknowledge them. I have tried over the years to make contact so the girls could have a relationship with him, but he calls maybe twice and then never calls again, I am not involved with the calls, I don't speak to him, the phone was immediately passed to the girls, because it wasn't about me, it was for their benefit, because he is their father. My ex husband has a wife who told him that she 'hates' the girls and doesn't want to be around them because they remind her of me, my ex told me this many years ago. For B's birthday this year, ex V asked me what he should get her, I said maybe he could email ex husband and ask him to phone B for her birthday, he did that and ex husband did actually call.

Ex V wrote the most hurtful, disgusting email I could imagine. He used truths, half truths and lies (as my sister said) and put them into an email designed to do nothing but make me look like the worst kind of person imaginable and to hurt me, and he succeeded for a few hours.
I was an absolute mess when I first read through some of it, as Lisa can attest to, she was someone I called because I knew that just the natural calmness in her voice would be beneficial. I still haven't read through the whole email, I don't want to and I don't need to.

The small part I did read through used words such as "you told me that. remember"
I am assuming that he used words like that to make it look as though everything he said is the truth.
The truths that he did use were some things that I held close and shared with him because I loved him very much, but he put them into an evil email and padded them out with disgusting lies.

A few things about what he did made me very fearful.

1. He took important things and twisted them in such a vile way and told them to someone else.
2. He has written things that could possibly make me seem a terrible mother and my ex could use these things against me if he chose to.
3. My ex husband's wife has always ALWAYS despised me, she has accused me of things that I haven't done and really couldn't be bothered doing, she wasn't that important to me that I would take time out to do anything to her. She would get pleasure from this email, at my expense.
4. I was absolutely blown away, scared, disgusted, sickened that anyone ANYONE could have such a cruel part of themselves that would make them think that this was ok.

Today is a new day

Yesterday when I was going through my bedroom I put up my dream catcher that I bought at a Native American reservation and when I woke up this morning my bed was almost perfectly made, I slept so soundly and I do not remember my dreams.

I am calmer

While I was in the shower, my beautiful daughter A read the first email that ex V sent (I had them printed and sorted in a plastic folder to take to the police station) and she looked a bit miserable, she called ex V some names and asked me why I was happy today, I told her that if I spent the morning miserable then that is how I would spend my day and isn't it better to have a happy day, that made her smile.

Walking A to school I found a $10 note in the gutter

I called my mum to tell her what was happening and that there were certain kinds of photos, I am able to be quite honest with my parents and for that I am grateful. I said to my mother "what did I do to deserve to be treated like this for so long?" and straight away I answered my own question, I believe that this is a small dark dead end alley on my path, I was given this because I needed it to move on and find my strength, so I am ok.

There were tears and laughs at Rose Cottage, and I am eternally grateful for the ladies there and their wisdom, jokes and other perspectives.

I did go to the police, it was extremely humiliating to have them read the email, but they said they can't do anything because there are no threats in the emails, I was advised to write an email stating that if there is any further contact of any form I will get an AVO.

I know I am stronger for having gone through the physical, emotional and mental abuse that this man has put me through. I now like myself and I am honestly happy to be me. I have aged physically way too much, but I have also aged spiritually and mentally, I'm still not a bloody crone though lol

he did it

2008-09-21T20:46:00.003+10:00

I have never known anyone so cruel
he made good on his threat, it had nothing to do with photos
I feel sick, but I can get through this

Oh no no no.. what did I do

2008-09-21T18:33:00.002+10:00

I have seriously messed up.
I was staying away from the ex boyfriend, going to counselling, moving on, gaining strength, understanding my triggers and the way he 'grooms' me and last week when my medication was doubled and I was lonely (yes I am going to use that as an excuse because I'd been brilliant for a few months) I got a message from ex b asking me to meet him for coffee, so I said ok then. When it came down to it, I didn't go. I stopped replying to messages again, didn't answer the 300 phone calls, except one (I'm so stupid) and today I get an email that is just pure evil....The subject is "I know you now" And this is some of it..

"thanx for waking me up to the person that you are.

you don't email me. you deleted me from msn. you don't message. you don't call. you're not interested in counselling together. you couldn't be bothered to meet me the other day for coffee.
I called you on friday night several times, messaged you with no reply. i called on saturday, messaged you. your excuse was that you left your phone at home. it obviously wasn't important enough for you to keep your phone with you incase i messaged or called over the weekend.
you just deal with your own pain and fuck everybody else.

no you're not missing me at all because you are too wrapped up in yourself. I hope that works for you.
you lied about loving me. i see that now. you just wanted me as someone else that you could blame, because that works for you.

I thought i'd keep in contact because i love you and i didn't want things to be left like this. i thought we were both better than this. now i know that you're not. I was stupid for thinking that you cared. I hope you can get yourself sorted out at counselling. I hope you can be a better person.

There's more about me supposedly berating his children. He said I lied about his daughter saying that she didn't like being with him because of his anger, which the poor girl did say, and he goes on to say that I will start saying nasty stuff about his youngest son who I really cared about...

Anyway, I was furious when I read it and I didn't stop and breath and think, I just called him and my first words were "How dare you"
He swore at me and put me down, I kept my cool and was strong with my words, until he said "Do you want everyone to know about you?" I didn't understand what he meant, and then he said "The truth will come out about you" I said "What? are you threatening me?" and he said it again "The truth will come out about you" and again I asked if he was threatening me and he said "Yes" well my blood ran cold, all I can think of is that he has certain photos of me and a video :( I am disgusted with myself for getting into this situation, if I didn't do things he wanted I was berated, it was just easier to do it.

This is a man who made posters of his ex (who he has 3 children with) and stuck them to poles and I think he put them in letter boxes near where she lives, granted he did it because of the state of the house where his kids were, and the posters didn't have her face, but this to me means he's capable of anything.

There are so many "what ifs" I just have to suck it up and have faith that now that my path is going in a positive direction, if anything happens I have the strength to hold my head high and deal with it with dignity... I just wish I was thin in the photos and video (trying to find a lighter side)

Yesterday = basketcase

2008-09-18T09:36:00.003+10:00

Is it worse to dwell on one thing or move on from it and make room in your head for all the other things that you've hidden deep inside?

Normally when I see Prince William, we discuss what happened in the last relationship but because I am moving forward and feeling happy about being me, there is more room for other things to surface, yesterday I blurted out all sorts of stuff, my fears for my daughters, my happy father's day meeting Roxy, my love of Rose Cottage and the people there, my family history and laughing about my father's Uncle Emile who smashed a chair on the priest's desk (I have to write about what I learned on the weekend, it's really interesting) but then I talked about what my ex-husband did to me. Talking about past abuses apparently is a good thing. I had hidden that so very very deep within me that when it came out, it came out in a big way and it stayed with me all day, it's still with me now. I called mum and cried and cried and I told her what happened, do I feel better or worse for actually sharing it with someone who I haven't paid.
I haven't cried this much in weeks.

I am lonely, I know that. But I am not lonely for a man, I am well aware that at this time in my life I don't want one or need one. When all I can think about a relationship is that they will yell at me and call me names, or break my things or break me, then obviously relationships are a no no.
So yesterday when I said I was really lonely, what I meant was that I am lonely for a friend that will hug me and let me cry if I need to, without judgement, someone to have coffee with, go to movies, whatever... just a friend. I don't know how to make close friendships, my only close female friend lives in Nelson Bay. I need to go for a walk on the beach

Blah sigh hmm...deflate

2008-09-17T12:25:00.005+10:00

It's Wednesday and I feel deflated, life has been sucked out.
Monday I had another appt with Teddy Bear specialist for my arm. It was 2 weeks after I'd started the Lyrica and it hadn't made any changes, my arm has been kinda bad, stiff, sore, it feels dead, my wrist has been oh so painful too, last scan showed fluid, but no cysts which is good.
So anyway.. the lyrica dose has been doubled. Now I lose my balance, I use the wall to get to my bedroom at night, I slur my words and instead of laughing at me, Bianca seems to be quite worried. If there wasn't a light at the end of the tunnel for this drug, I would quit it now, I can't stand what it is doing to me. Only 4 more weeks to go to see if this stupid pill works on my nerve.

Teddy bear said that I should get a mobility parking permit because carrying things for even a few minutes is quite difficult. I'm in two minds about it, one it will be fantastic when I need it, especially at Christmas. I wont abuse it, if there's a normal park close, then I'll leave the disabled parking for someone else, and two.. I feel that getting the parking permit will make me feel defeated. Sometimes when I am laughing and looking happy, I am in absolute agony, If someone makes a smart arse comment when they see me get out of the car with no obvious problem, then I can see myself telling them to go fuck themselves, but I'll say it with a smile :)

I missed Tafe AGAIN yesterday, I hate missing it, but these stupid pills have to be taken twice a day. My teachers are understanding, and the nice lady with the physical disabilities unit is very helpful.

This morning I had my therapy appointment with Prince William. I really didn't think I needed to go because I've been so happy lately and I am moving forward and the money could go on a bill, but I went, and well lordy didn't I cry. I talked about the dog we found, Roxy, I came to the conclusion that Roxy came into my life because I needed affection, I found it easy to cuddle her because I miss having someone who isn't family, to hug, I miss affection, I miss cuddling, I miss someone holding me, I'm crying :(
I told him something that I'd never told anyone about something my ex-husband did to me and the floodgates opened, I wanted to roll up into the fetal position and cry until I passed out, but Prince William is just so good at helping me get through things. Because I am moving on from the last relationship which I used to dwell on, there is now more room for me to think about things from the past, not to dwell on them but to work on them and let them go. Prince says I am doing a lot better, he has extended my appointments out to 3 weeks.

I feel so drained... I tried going op shopping, didn't find anything, still can't find any silver glomesh :(

If it wasn't for my beautiful Arella, I'd probably be crying all day. I can't wait for my girls to get home, don't feel like not having someone to talk to, Arella doesn't answer me, but she does dribble occasionally, god I'm lonely... really really lonely :(

I have new toys :)

2008-09-14T18:47:00.012+10:00

My birthday week is coming to an end and I have new toys!

This is toy number one
A beautiful piece of selenite, as soon as I saw it I had to have it, it's my kind of perfect.

Toy number two

A lovely mermaid dish that I bought at The Rocks, she has a little chip on her tail (which you have to search for) so she was reduced to $5.

Toy number three
I found this at an op shop, it was $3 and I had to have it. It's marked 'ITALY' and I think it's unusual. The stand has 3 dragons on it. I think it's brass, but has been embossed.
I took it to my mum and dad's yesterday to see if they knew what it was, dad straight away said tea strainer lol That never occurred to me! We decided that it belonged to Italian royalty, a king named Luigi owned it.. we were drinking.. not tea :)

Toy Four
It's the bestest.. I spoiled myself

The last time I saw my hairdresser Liza, she straightened my hair with a ghd, I'd attempted to do it a few times with our straightener but it hadn't turned out so great, so I was a bit apprehensive, but when it was done I was almost in tears, I'd had an emotional day and when I saw myself I felt unbelievable, I actually felt good about the way I look and I hadn't felt like that in a long time. So for my birthday I splurged big time and bought myself a ghd straightener. I wanted to keep feeling good about my appearance so $250 is a small price to pay to feel good. Not that I don't feel good about my farrah fawcet hair, but having a change as good as Liza and the ghd gave me is wonderful. I am happy to say that we can recreate the amazing hair at home without Liza lol and I feel just as good when I look in the mirror :)

My new baby

From Farrah to ummm... this

Our family birthdays are usually finished off with a BBQ at mum and dad's place. They're not the steak and sausage kind of BBQs, they're always something gourmet fancy and we love it :)
I got my gifts from my sister and her family (who live in Vienna) and my parents yesterday.

A gorgeous necklace from my sis, the starfish are full of swarovski crystals

And from my parents..the funkiest BBQ! It's perfect for our balcony.

I had a wonderful birthday, a birthday without tears of sadness, with lots of happy birthday wishes, and a day spent with my family (my daddy was working but there were phonecalls etc) who I love dearly... Every birthday will be this good :)

Sept 11th

2008-09-11T17:54:00.004+10:00

I find it difficult to express myself about things that have happened that have had an effect on people and the world.
September 11th 2001 had a massive ripple effect all throughout the world. The tragedy that happened that day will never leave me or anyone else I know. I'll never forget the agony and tears, the pictures from that day... I still can't look at them now.
New York became my second home, I was in love with a man from New York, he would fly me over there every few months. I loved NY, I had no problem going on a carriage ride through Central Park at 2am, it's a great city. The last time we were there was July 2001, we went everywhere that a plane was taken over.
One of my most favourite photos was taken on November 3rd 2000. We were coming back from the Statue of Liberty on the ferry. My camera was always around my neck, we were at the front of the ferry taking in the city, it was very cold and overcast, I was looking at the World Trade Centres and the clouds opened and the sun shone straight onto the towers lighting them up, I took a photo. It only lasted a moment but it will always stay with me.
The photo hasn't been retouched, this is what it looked like

Less than a year later they were gone.

A way this effected me and my family was, even though I had gone on many international flights, I have a deep fear of flying and this made it even worse. Mr NY and I were supposed to go to Ireland in Nov 2001, we were planning on getting engaged while we were there, I'd chosen my ring and we were excited about the trip, scared but excited. After Sept 11th, I couldn't fly anymore the thought of it had me petrified. So we didn't go to Ireland and we didn't get engaged.
I know this might sound petty... but that's not how I mean this to come across, I just wrote about it because it was something that had an impact on my life in more ways than one even though I am thousands of miles away... I could be married right now, I might have had another baby, I could've possibly been living in NY.
But I didn't lose anyone, I didn't know any of the over 3000 people who were murdered that day... my thoughts are with the families and the people who lived through the nightmare

9-9 Today is my Re-Birthday! Hip Hip Hooray! Update

2008-09-09T20:19:00.003+10:00

I had an amazing day!
I forgot what it was like to have a truly happy birthday, today I realised what that was like and it was perfect!

My girls and I went to Sydney, my mum was already down there to get some super spectacular coffee (can't get it in Newy) for their amazing coffee machine, so we met at the Lowenbrau Kellar at The Rocks at 11.30.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrr
my head is aching... will finish this tomorrow

toodle pip

Continuing on....

Lunch at the German restaurant was really lovely, it bought back a lot of childhood memories, I grew up on this kind of food. I was over flowing with happiness, I wish my dad could have been there but he had to work.

Mum and I had the big Stein of beer and the I got the girls Lowenbrau non alcoholic beer, I love that they were poured into proper beer glasses and not soft drink glasses.

Bianca's first sip

You light weight! where are those German genes girl?!
Eins! Zwei! G'Suffa!

The girls had Schnitzel and both said it was the best Schnitzel they ever had apart from the one I make :)

mum had
Jägerpfanne mit Spätzle
Medallions of Veal Topped with Ham, Cheese and
Mushroom Sauce

I had
Schlachtplatte
Löwenbräu's Selection of Bavarian Specialities –
Sausages, Chicken Schnitzel, Roast Pork Belly Served
with Mashed Potato and Sauerkraut

Oh what a lunch! 3 different kinds of sausages including a REAL frankfurt, and lieberkase which I absolutely love. I asked if I could have half red cabbage and half sauerkraut, because I love both of them. The whole meal was delicious!

It started us talking about the "olden days" and how my Opa hid my Oma in a barn to hide her from soldiers during WW2 and mum told me that they still have my great great grandparent's wedding rings, which my great great grandfather made out of silver while in Serbia. I need to get all of this written down. It sounds like I have a really interesting family history and if I don't learn about it soon I could lose part of my history that I wont be able to get back.

Another interesting thing..we were discussing all the 9's in my life and mum told me that I was 7 pound 2 ounces! There's another 9 that I didn't know about.

Best Birthday lunch ever!
And the server told me that because it was my birthday, I got my meal free!!

One of the most surprising things about the day was all of the birthday messages! I haven't experienced anything like it since I left school. I was getting messages all day, from old boyfriends (good and bad boyfriends) my ex father in-law (which is special that he still thinks to send me a card) my best friend Kylie, a lot of old and new friends, my hairdresser... it was just so nice. I am obviously projecting so much positive energy into the universe which is coming back and that makes me even happier, pretty soon I'll be sickly happy lol

There was no need for dinner..
My birthday cake was a choclate swiss roll that Allira made which had berries and fresh cream all rolled up inside and lots of whipped cream and strawberries on the outside, it was beautiful!!

I am blessed, I am happy, I am at peace with who I am
Happy re-Birthday to me

It's my b-b-b-birthday.... tomorrow :)

2008-09-08T21:30:00.005+10:00

Happy birthday eve to me!

Prince William told me to make my birthday this year my "rebirthday".

It's a new year, it's the first birthday in many many years that there hasn't been a boyfriend to upset me and make me cry on what is supposed to be my day, because golly gee it would be terrible for the attention to actually be on me for 24 hours. So this year my birthday is about my happiness and the only person I have to rely on for a good day is me (and please every god/dess available... make my girls not argue tomorrow *cross fingers* *squeeze eyes* *saying please a bazillion times*)

I'm excited about my day!

Beautiful Dog Update

2008-09-08T12:11:00.002+10:00

Her name is Roxy and she comes from "The Hill"
We took her to the RSPCA this morning and we waited while they checked to see if she was microchipped and luckily she is microchipped, desexed and registered. They tried contacting her owners but weren't able to speak to them yet.
We're so happy that she has a home, and crossing our fingers that she wasn't dumped :)
Makes me angry that she didn't have a collar on though!!

Happy Father's Day to me and a Stray dog

2008-09-07T19:58:00.003+10:00

Yes happy father's day to me, my kids don't have a father, not even one they see every fortnight or school holidays, so I am mum and dad. And every year my kids and I celebrate Father's day for me, I love that they recognise what I do on my own. A drew this in the sand, it says "Happy Father's day Mum" :)

The weather was beautiful so we went for a long long walk. We walked along the beach near where we live and then all along the coast up to Nobby's and down to the foreshore and into the mall. We had lunch at kentucky and on the walk home we saw a dog, trying to lick every crevice of the ground near a building looking for food, she was eating dead moths and anything else that was slightly edible. I had some left over chicken in my bag so I picked the meat off and gave it to her, it didn't even hit the ground, poor thing was starving. She started following us home, I decided she could and I would call the RSPCA. I was absolutely blown away by this dog. When we came to a crossing, I'd tell her to sit and she would, I'd say come and and she'd walk, her facial expressions were beautiful and heart warming. Touching a dog freaks me, I am slowly bringing myself to give Trev more than a couple of tap pats, but with this gorgeous dog... by the end of the day I was hugging her! I wanted to shower her with hugs and pats. My girls were stunned at the affection I was giving this dog, but they were just as affectionate :)

I called RSPCA and they weren't interested because she wasn't injured?! they told me to call the council and gave me a number, the man I spoke to said they'd finished collecting dogs for the day but I could take her to the 'surrender cages' at the RSPCA near where we are. Oh that knocked me, the thought of dumping this beauiful dog in a cage made me feel ill, but it was pretty much my only option because we live in flats. We stopped at coles so I could get her some food, the girls stayed outside with her and when I came out A was rubbing the dog's tummy, when the dog saw me she jumped up and came running wagging her tail! I LOVE THIS DOG! we went to the park across the road and I opened a tin off food, she inhaled it, she was so hungry, so I opened another one and that was gone just as quickly, she drank so much water, so thirsty... I wonder if anyone is missing her?

She ran around the park with A, both of them having a ball! She was picking up palm fronds and running off with them, jumping, playing, what a beautiful animal!

At home a couple of neighbours came over to see her, everyone had suggestions, but no one wanted to keep her, they all commented on how beautiful she is.

When I opened the car door for her, she jumped in and sat down, she looked adorable! We took her down to the beach, yes I was getting too attached to her but my reasoning was that if I was taking her to the RSPCA, she would go into a cage, if she wasn't microchipped then she'd be put up for adoption and if no one adopts her she'll be put down, so I wanted to make this day full of love and fun. When we got to the beach she walked with us and when her and A hit the sand, her personality came out! what an amazing animal, she became a massive bundle of fun, we laughed and ran all over the beach, she was jumping off the retaining walls and skidding through the sand, it was hillarious. She was playing fetch with the tennis ball and when she punctured it and it was stuck on her teeth, A stuck her hand in the dog's mouth and got the ball out... there was no fear from A and I, very bizarre behaviour from me, normally I'd be in a panic about those teeth.

When the dog was done she went and sat next to B for a cuddle, it was so sweet, I took photos, I know I'm too attached lol

I really didn't want to take her to the surrender cages, it's going to be a cold night, I wanted her to be comfortable, so on the drive to the RSPCA, I pulled over and asked B to call her friend, her family was happy to have the dog for the night, I wish it was permanently but it isn't. I have to pick her up tomorrow and take her. I hope a miracle happens and they decide they want her.

I had such a ball playing with this dog, I know she was only given to us for a short time, but I wonder why she was even sent to us???

Does anyone want her? she is such an amazing animal, she had me cuddling her! I never thought I would ever hug a dog, but I really don't think that was the reason she came to us today.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

2008-09-06T07:09:00.002+10:00

Frustration? nervous? angry? scared? worried?
who knows
I woke up this morning, too early, it wasn't even 6am, and I feel HORRIBLE! I'm not sure how I feel, or why I feel it, I just feel odd, maybe it's because I took that stupid pill at midnight.

Oh Hey! funny thing happened last night! My acoustic guitar played, on it's own! very bizarre, and funny. Boo and I were in the loungeroom, the guitar was about 6ft away from me, and it strummed, both Boo and I went WTF?! We went to the guitar to check it, I thought a string had snapped, but no the guitar is still perfect. We have a spirit who likes to play guitar, I hope they play more!

It's 7.15, the weather is horrendous, like it usually is around my birthday, my arm is aching, I need a coffee

What's happening to my brain?!

2008-09-04T13:36:00.004+10:00

It's raining and I love it!
The rain is hitting the windows which makes me very happy, nature is cleaning my windows for me, so I don't have to clean them, yay! we live quite high up and can see the ocean, so clean windows are a good thing.

ok the real rant.....
I have been on some kind of medication every day for too many years, I don't enjoy it.. well some of them I enjoy, I like the trippy feeling from the oxycontin and the endone, that's fun, but I've only ever taken them when I've been in pain, weird, I've never been addicted to anything other than bad men, oh and making sure my wardrobe is colour and length co-ordinated and my books are aligned in size order, I also hate things that aren't in some kind of pattern, like in stores where there are products all out of order, one there three there, none in any kind of order.. I like to line them up properly so I can see them looking happy, I know, weird, it's all part of my anxiety issues apparently, no wonder Lisa calls me O.C.T, I prefer to think that my brain is wired in a way where I see things differently.

Ok back to where I started.. pills, medications, pain killers of varying strengths, antidepressants, asthma inhalers and preventers, I'm sick of them!!
In the morning I take a lexapro, I honestly don't know what I would do without it, it has helped me function. I also have to suck on a symbicort turbuhaler because I cough and cough, ever since my surgery when I ended up with breathing issues. Ok so this symbicort thing makes me shake, the first day I took it I thought I was having a panic attack, it was bad, fast heart rate, couldn't stop shaking, crying etc. I rang the pharmacy to find out if it was a side effect and it was, oh joy. But I had tafe that day and I was told that I needed to sit and just ride it out. So I did, and I missed another day of tafe, the shaking didn't stop til about 2 in the afternoon.

So now I have a new pill to take, if you read back over the blog, I've had 2 surgeries for my arm because I broke my elbow skateboarding in Dec 2004 (don't laugh it's been a nightmare) It's been 4 years of pain, 4 years of cortisone injections and endone and oxytcontin. But I'm still in pain. My specialist the Teddy Bear, has now got me trying lyrica. Lyrica is a drug for epilepsy, should act on the nerves. A scan showed my ulnar nerve is twice the size it should be. So this medication should hopefully settle it down, and if in 6 weeks it doesn't, I have another surgery. Teddy Bear gave the lyrica to me and said "Now Tania this medication will make you drowsy for atleast a week or two..ok?" He was looking at me like he really wanted to say "Now Tania this medication will seriously fuck you up for a few weeks" Because that's what it does!!

AFU! All fucked up!
I thought it would be gentle sweet sleepy drowsy, so the first time I took it, I took it in the carpark at tafe because I didn't want to drive incase I was sleepy. It took a little while to hit, but when it did, I was STONED! I was giggling at the ceiling, making jokes with Jay, laughing at EVERYTHING, the teacher asked me why I was smiling so much! When I got home I sat next to B and picked up the phone and the video remote and said "wow the remote looks like the phone" and B said "you're stoned" Later than night I called my mum and cried and cried about how stupid I was feeling, it's funny when it's happening, but when I thought back on the day I was disgusted with myself. I was scared to take it again, and I have to take one in the morning, one at night, so I take the night one right before bed.

The second day was yesterday and it was horrible again, I was giggly and wobbly. I had to call my person at the rehabilitation service because I have to keep her up to date or centrelink gets the shits. So anyway... the phone call was bad, I was stoned, giggly, and talking loudly! Poor Julie, I was blurting out everything.. again I felt stupid.
I mess my words up, I don't put the right words together if I'm saying something in a hurry.
I was losing my balance, I was walking in my loungeroom and I lost my balance, I put my hand on the coffee table so I didn't smash my face, and instead I broke my beautiful Goddess bowl that I made. I was upset. But I am more concerned about the what this drug is doing to my brain. It's really quite scary.
I have to sort my day around this stupid pill, I can't take it if I need to drive so everything has to be done in morning before I take the pill, I have to shower first or I worry that I'll slip, I have to walk slowly and cautiously SO FRUSTRATING!@!! The effects of this pill last for hours, yesterday I took it at 11am and I was still a stoned mess at 5.30pm

I honestly hate all these chemicals going into my body, I feel like a drama queen, I hate telling people about what is going on. I had to email the physical disabilities unit at tafe to let them know what was happening so the teachers could be aware of why I was a bit odd, it's embarassing, I hate feeling 'weird', please only let this continue for a few more days at the most because there's no way I could live my life like this for 6 weeks.

I'm Alive

2008-09-01T15:43:00.007+10:00

I started a blog in 2005, it was all about my struggle to lose weight while having the chronic disorder PCOS, but the blog turned into a 'oh poor me, I'm fat, my boyfriend hates me, why can't I be normal' blog, so I stopped writing it last October. I was going to start a whole new fresh blog, but then I decided that all the things that had happened to me are part of me, so I transferred the blog to a new site name, I just deleted some of the posts that were still too raw and that needed to stay firmly in the past. They're still over at my PCOS blog, but they have no place here. My original ones before I met him came over here, so they can still be read :)

I'm different to the person that I was. I have experienced things I never thought I would. My weight went over 100 kilos.. never thought that would happen, I was abused.. never in my wildest dreams did I think that would happen, he cheated and I took him back... ALWAYS told myself that that would be a relationship killer, I've had surgeries.. but I was always so healthy, I lost myself... but I'm back

I changed myself into someone who was weak, I let people who I thought loved me turn me into someone who not only did I not recognise, but people who had known me for years would ask me "where's the strong Tania gone..?"
I stopped being open about who I was and tried to be someone I thought would be accepted and loved. The things that weren't changed by controlling people, I changed. I hid myself and my identity and started being quiet, not speaking up about what I believed in because I was scared of being put down, it was easier.

But recently with the help of some wonderful people, my family, my doctor.. Dr E, my counsellor.. William, Liza the hairdresser who made me open my eyes, and the wonderful people at a wonderful little cottage, have made me understand that I'm a worthwhile person. I still have my faults but I'm working on being better to myself and eventually I will be completely at peace.

Disturbed have a song called "I'm Alive" and the lyrics have always felt so empowering..
I don't know what the inspiration for the song was, but to me the lyrics make me feel strong and never again will I go through what I've lived with for too many years

The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away
There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
To change myself, I'd rather die
Though they will not understand
I will make the greatest sacrifice
You can't predict where the outcome lies
You'll never take me alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive

I'm alive, I'm me, I'm happy, I am a witch and I am beautiful, I wont change for anyone, ever again

Godsmack - Running Blind acoustic

2007-05-18T22:42:00.001+10:00

Perfect
Favourite band, favourite song

relief

2006-11-01T00:00:00.002+11:00

I don't want to be here, I think about ways that I can leave. I look at my boxes of morphine tablets and I want to take them all.
I am so over the pain of lonliness, relationships, my arm, my future, everything.
I don't want to cry anymore, and that's all I seem to do
2 reasons keep me here

Bride of Frankenstien

2006-10-31T14:49:00.001+11:00

I am never ever ever EVER going to have surgery again!

So that boob job that I wanted is not going to happen, it'll be push up bras and I might get me some chicken fillets, because there is no way I am EVER going to willinging have surgery.

I had a guy draw up the antibiotic that I'd just finished telling him that I am allergic to (steven johnson's syndrome is a bitch) luckily the anaesthetist heard him and reminded him that I was allergic to it. Apart from that, I was out with the first injection, no counting back from 100 for me.

I was so worried about the surgery that it didn't even occur to me that recovery would be a bitch.

First thing I remember was that I couldn't breath, so I had oxygen etc, then the pain hit, holy hell!

I had an allergic reaction to the morphine drip (great another thing to add to the red allergy band) so they changed that to fentanyl wow that's good stuff :) "Fentanyl has an analgesic potency of about 80 times that of morphine"

So anyway, I was in hospital for 4 days which was fun apart from the pain and the pain and then the pain

dorsal scapholunate ganglion

2006-10-18T19:05:00.000+10:00

So how would you like to have a dorsal scapholunate ganglion, I know! me too!

yay I've got one! (and MRI's suck arse)

That's what's been making my wrist hurt, so every time I warked about the pain my wrist it was because I have a dorsal scapholunate ganglion!!!!

say it with me dorsal scapholunate ganglion, dorsal scapholunate ganglion, dorsal scapholunate ganglion.

If anyone can figure out what it is, please contact me.

Surgery is at 9am tomorrow

I have to be at the hospital at 7
Super! More washing with icko hospital antibacterial soap while paying special attention to my happy bits

SEND FREAKIN FLOWERS

or your best wishes :)

love and smoochies

Update
dorsal scapholunate ganglion is a cyst, the one I have formed in a tear in my ligament and has to be surgically removed

This is the ghost of me past

2006-10-17T15:06:00.000+10:00

I died during surgery and that's why I haven't been online for a while, but I'm back now :)

Ok I lied, I didn't even have surgery.
I was all gowned up and anti-bacterialised and waiting and waiting and my surgeon came to tell me that there were problems with the surgery before mine (I am hoping that isn't doc speak for "oops-a -daisy we killed the guy")
blah whatever, couldn't be helped, no point getting upset about it, like the stupid woman who made the comment "Hospitals have to realise that patients have lives too" yes and I like mine and would prefer not to piss anyone off who could do things to me while I'm under a general.
Surgery has been rebooked for Thursday 19th, and I wont get bumped this time, cos I get preference, yay lucky me :)

*Insert impending doom music here

2006-10-05T08:03:00.001+10:00

Today is the day, I am leaving for hospital in 3 hours, surgery is in 6 hours. I should actually be in the shower washing my whole body, "while paying special attention to my genitalia" with some antibacterial soap stuff that they gave me, I'm also supposed to wash my hair with it, can just imagine how that's going to make my beautiful hair feel.. like friggin straw I'm guessing.
So anyway.. put simply I'm scared to death, damn didn't want to use that word. Radial Head resection, sounds like great fun, hopefully I shall be stoned off my head on pain killers by this time tonight.
Ok I'm off to pay special attention to my genitalia, damn they even have picture instructions on how I should wash hahaha

Sliced and diced

2006-09-27T08:25:00.000+10:00

Did you know that one in 10000 people die during a general anaesthetic? Did you also know that there are lots of (happy now richy dear?) complications to be had as well?
I can even list them

* Injury at the injection site
* Infection
* Breathing problems
* Short term damage to nerves
* Allergic reaction, for example, asthma attack
* Having sensation (and pain) during the operation
* Damage to the mouth, teeth, lips or tongue
* Damage to vocal cords or larynx
* Lung damage
* Heart attack
* Brain damage
* Stroke
* Kidney failure
* Liver failure
* Paraplegia
* Quadriplegia.

Woo hoo!! So now I am super excited about having my operation!
I've never been knocked out for anything, but October the 5th is the day that I get to go unconscious for a few hours. All going well I'll be out on the 6th. Stupid broken elbow (dec 2004), because of stupid skateboarding, actually I still love skateboarding :)
My big teddy bear specialist got all happy about being able to attempt to straighten my arm while I'm knocked out, his face looked like a kid at christmas, so I mentioned morphine a few times, I don't know whether or not he thought I was being serious, but hell yes I'm being serious, give me pain drugs and keep them coming!
I've asked myself over and over whether or not I should get this done, but as the last cortisone injection gradually wears off, I know that any permanent pain relief would be great. There's no guarantee that anything will improve though. And because I am the only parent that my daughters have, I worry that I could be doing the wrong thing by them if something goes horribly wrong, yes I know that chances of that are teeny but I worry about everything.

So anyway, I'm getting prepared, writing my will, cleaning my house, hiding the toys, have got the awesome egyptian cotton sheets reading for my return, no doubt I will wash them again before I go into hospital because there's nothing like freshly sun dried egyptian cotton sheets (no fabric softener!!).. heaven!
I've asked Ky to bring me some gai pric from Sanook at Corlette OMG YUM! what else do I need? oh yeah lots of dvds, new scrubs collection is out today!!

The other things I worry about is saying stupid stuff. I say so many dumb things while I am awake, so I can just imagine what I'll be saying while I'm coming out of the anaesthetic!

And in other news,

Poor little A has broken her finger.

Her bus driver that takes her from school to the train station decided that the engine wasn't working to his satisfaction and told the kids that he was going to take the bus back to the depot so if they were in a hurry they would have to get out and run to the train station to get to their trains.

So A ran down the street to get to her train on time, she dodged some people and gracefully flew over a a big mosaic flower pot, hurting her leg and bending her finger in a position that it wasn't supposed to go in. Poor little duck was helped to the station by a nice lady, and caught her train home, her pointy finger (ok INDEX finger) on her left hand was very swollen, we took her to Hospital and after 5 hours we were told that her finger is broken, her x-rays look cooooool, nice break, luckily it didn't involve the growth plate, couple of millimetres lower and it would have, so her finger should grow normally. They strapped her finger because it's too swollen for anything else and we have to go to the fracture clinic today so they can look at it again. I did ask the doctor if she could keep doing the dishes and the evil man said no?! how fair is that?! now B and I have to do them!!!!

She was very brave and didn't cry much (I know!! this is kid that stubs her toe and cries so the street can hear!! yet she breaks a finger and hardly cries?!) she started crying after 4 hours in the hospital, poor little flower was getting very frustrated
Luckily she can still play playstation

It's my B B B Birthday!!!!

2006-09-09T18:37:00.000+10:00

Yes it's my birthday, I am older and wiser and thinner and gorgeouser!
I am home and online cos the freaking torrential downpour that's happening outside is keeping me here, but i'm ok with that cos I bought wine yesterday :)
There's also left over chinese from last night's birthday eve dinner, there's a few cakes, loads of grolsch and the sound of freakin music is on TV hoo freakin ray! Actually I got DVDs yesterday, thank god for blockbusters two night new release thingy, it meant that I didn't have to leave the house after my champagne brekky. Lucky I went to the gym before brekky!
So happy birthday to meeeeeee happy birthday toooo meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee gorgeous beautiful meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee happy birthday to me, hip hip hooray hip hip hoooooooooray more beeeer mooooooore beeeeeeeeeer woooooooooooooooooo!

I've got Nuthin'

2006-08-27T14:10:00.000+10:00

Yep that pretty much sums up my recent weeks. I wish I had something exciting to say but it's all just been

Doctors visits because I'm a head case

CT scan on my elbow because it's FUCKED! don't ever take for granted that you can straighten your arm. B refers to me as gumby arm, oh haha

One big arse house clean out, apparently it's all to do with me being a head case but atleast my house is getting soooo clean

Quit tafe, yeah more head case stuff, never not completed a course in my life, even through my divorce I didn't quit, but well.. yep anyway

oh oh I did do something! I joined a gym, yeah I know, I'm moist with excitement too. I swear if I'm not looking hot in a bikini by christmas I'm going to cry and cry and eat chocolate

OW OW OW MUTHER FREAKING OW!!!!

2006-08-12T17:48:00.000+10:00

God dammit!!!
That is my foot! my bleeding, aching foot!! (excuse pic quality, used my phone camera)
I haven't been too good the past few weeks, let things get on top of me, I could make a list of the dramas but I can't be bothered, because separately they sound trivial, but all together they've made me feel the lowest I have been since my divorce 6 years ago. BUT instead of dwelling on them, I've made a plan to get over them :) that does not include going to counselling "mmm hmmm yes, ok yesss, ok that's $90 when can you come next week?" screw that, if I'm paying you $90, you can solve my problems for me bitch, not nod and say "hmm mmm yes" a lot. Ok back to my foot...
The boyfriend I had when I was 12, who's now back in my life.. and who loves my butt! (yes I knew there was someone out there who did!) well anyway.. he called me this morning to see if I wanted to go for a walk on the beach, I could see it was a beautiful day, we're so lucky in this country, it's winter and it's a perfect day for the beach, so we met at my fav beach and walked around the rocks to the old nudie beach, i said OLD nudist beach meaning that they stopped it being a nudie beach cos the rich bitches on the top of the hill complained about having their perfect view spoilt by people enjoying being nekkid, so OLD nude beach..not nude beach for OLD people! yuck yuck yuck old man grey pubes blech! yeah ok I looked a few times :?
So we walked and it was nice, it's funny having him back in my life, he seems to remember all sorts of things about me, I don't remember much, but I love talking to him. Ok so everytime Vic and I go for a walk along this particular part of this particular beach, I manage to hurt myself. First time, I slipped on the rocks landed on my chunky butt and was in absolute agony, there I am trying to look gorgeous, it was our second time seeing each other and I'm flat on my back soaking wet and covered in green slime trying not to cry like a baby. I laughed oh ha ha and that night I had to take drugs not happy drugs, but pain drugs because the pain was excrutiating and was that way for many weeks afterwards, screwed a muscle at the top of my leg. Right back today, we have a lot of fun together, he's intelligent and really yum, so anyway I'm looking cute, hair's tied back, nice black jeans, t-shirt etc I'm finally feeling good, laughing lots, we're walking along the rocks, I splash him with water, he splashes me and splashes me and splashes me again (wtf?!), so I bring my leg back, kick water at him as hard as I can, swing my leg back and swipe it across some oysters, well fuck me, IT HURT!! the pain came, the blood flowed and I didn't cry, said a few swear words, held my breath, wanted to kill Vic, because it's his fault, and nice people offered advice, and I would have pushed them on the rocks if i could have moved. As the blood kept flowing, it was quite hypnotic, I thought I would take a photo cos it's better to laugh than cry and I hadn't seen so much blood in a long time. So there you go, my day was pretty darn good even though it ended with a sore bloody foot :)

Never

2006-08-09T09:31:00.000+10:00

never again will i feel inferior
I wont be walked upon
I am not yours to destroy
you will not bring me down
and how many times
do you have to be told
I am my own person
I am not yours to mould
I can hold my head up high
knowing that I wont change
my soul is forever mine
and my memories will not be erased
but I am stronger for all
the struggles that I have had to face
the pain will never leave
and there's a part of my heart reserved
especially for the agony
that people say I deserved
each heartbreak makes me stonger
my tears are empowering to me
knowing that no longer
will I surrender to you
and one day
I will be free

Seriously.. what were you thinking?!

2006-07-10T10:54:00.000+10:00

BWAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Krystal Krystal Krystal,
When your makeup was taken away you showed us how naturally beautiful you really are, I can't stand you, you irritate me like a sandy crotch, and I'm enjoying seeing you fly your true catty bitch flag, but why the hell would you fuck up your pretty head with this????

I don't think anyone in the Big Brother House actually wants to say this, but I have to, sweety you look ridiculous.
The makeup.. what can really be said about the "oops shit I slipped with my eyeliner" look
the only people to pull that off were Elvira, and Agnes Moorehead as Endora oh and Cleopatra!

The hair, oh wow, the hair, set a match to it and *poof* it would be gone, and so would the house. It. just .keeps .getting. bigger.
Does anyone in the house actually like Krystal? why would they tell her she looks good.
"Oh Krystal you are so beautiful, what? no Krystal..your hair is perfect"
I would be in another room pissing myself laughing, I wish I wish I wish ..I could have seen Gaelen's face when he saw her last night.

My darling daughter B, said Krystal looked like she was trying to grow a boob out her head.. Then proceeded to call Krystal "TITHEAD" hahahaha (B loves Little Nicky)

Damn I've never criticised anyone like this before, it feels..kinda..dirty.. hehe